Killer Pad (2008)

I was highly anticipating the release of Killer Pad, as it marked the return of Robert Englund to directing (after 1989′s 976-EVIL). After being a horror icon (as Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street films, as well as roles in many other horror films) for so long, I was really interested to see what Englund would do with Killer Pad. It seemed like a fun premise with a bunch of dumb, partying 20-somethings stuck in an evil house…it kinda sounded like Bachelor Party crossed with Night of the Demons.

Wicked cool, right?

Sadly…no. Instead of wicked cool, I got wretchedly abysmal, and that is being far too kind.

Three best friends (Shane McRae, Eric Jungmann, Daniel Franzese) move out to California after coming into some money from their pet bulldog’s botched grooming attempt. They can finally move out of their parent’s houses at 23 and decide to drive cross-country to California to make sure they get as far away from them as possible!! Or something to do with meeting hot chicks, I guess…Anyway, a tranny realtor (Bobby Lee from Mad TV) hooks them up with…you guessed it…a KILLER PAD! It’s a cozy mansion tucked away in the Hollywood Hills, perfect for our trio of bachelors who take the time to neatly decorate the place with tasteful (and color-matching) home furnishings! There is a tiny problem though…their house sits on the portal to hell and all kinds of satanic activity starts occurring. No matter, because our clueless guys blame all the weird things happening (hmmm…goat bones, poltergeist activity and a hound of hell in the basement) on squatters! Of course! The homeless have been coming into their home, re-arranging their furniture and making pentagrams out of beer cans! It makes perfect sense!! Anyways, they soon meet the three hotties (Emily Foxler, Corri English, Noureen DeWulf) next door who are a bit more devilish than what they seem (never would have seen THAT coming). The girls insist that the boys throw a party with faux rap group Demon Seed performing. The boys easily cave and decide to use their killer pad to throw the most wicked party ever (even Joey Lawrence…yep, that Joey Lawrence of Blossom fame, shows up)…until Satan the hermaphrodite (yep, you read that right) crashes it and people start getting killed!

This movie was written so poorly it makes the writers of the bottom-of-the-barrel comedies Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans seem alright in comparison. Writer Dan Stoller (whose only credit is Killer Pad) fails us not in just one genre, but in two. Killer Pad is neither an effective horror movie nor an effective comedy. There are no scares, no gore and the “jokes” feel like they are trying to rip off the lowly Dude, Where’s My Car or the newer, lamer National Lampoons that seem to be released every other week. Not once did I laugh during Killer Pad (this is no exaggeration; nary a “tee hee” escaped my lips). The jokes were achingly pathetic and mainly revolved around the naivety and stupidity of the main characters.

Don’t even get me started on the embarrassing characters! These cardboard cut-outs were just plain dumb, but not in an endearing kind of way. Their characters just sucked. All they did the entire movie was stand there and smile while making the most annoying and asinine assumptions known to man. Their comments made conversations with frat boys who’ve been on a drinking binge for 24 hours straight seem more intelligent.

The acting surely didn’t help the film, with both the three guys and the three girls coming off completely flat and annoying. Who cares about their names when they all played the same dumb character and were completely interchangeable?

This is supposed to be a horror comedy about a house party gone horrible wrong…but there is no gore and no nudity to save it from its poor story, characters and acting. Most of the time, it doesn’t even feel like a horror movie, but a brainless, vapid buddy flick (and at times, a gay pr0no). I’m not saying a horror film needs gore or nudity to be effective, but I think it may have made my suffering through this useless piece of tripe a little more bearable.

Robert Englund should be ashamed to have his name attached to Killer Pad, as it has no redeeming qualities. I can’t believe that he agreed to direct this piece of rubbish. I wish this film would have forever languished on Lionsgate’s shelves instead of being released, but now I can just hope it burns in hell…or sits collecting dust in the Wal-mart bargain bin.

Just know that YOU will be in hell if you decide to make yourself suffer through this tedious and dull movie.

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