Alucarda (1978)

Alucarda is an unheralded gem and even within the horror community I don’t think too many people are familiar with this Mexican film by Juan López Moctezuma. This is a pity, because the film boasts beautiful visuals, controversial themes and violent deaths.

Alucarda is about two teenage girls living in a Catholic convent that also serves as an orphanage. Justine arrives at the convent after her parents die, leaving no one to care for her. Taken in by the nuns (who wear weird, mummy-like wrappings) Justine is placed in a room with Alucarda and the two girls quickly become inseparable. On a walk in the forest one day, they happen on a band of gypsies selling charms and trinkets. After a gypsy tells Alucarda and Justine they have only darkness in their future, the girls run away and stumble upon an enormous old crypt in the middle of the woods. While they are exploring, they open an old coffin and unleash a demonic force that possesses them. Back at the convent, the demonic force is unleashed upon the kind nuns and other inhabitants.

The visuals of the film border on gothic, with misty forests, decrepit crypts and Catholic imagery. The convent itself is lit by flickering candles and its sparse, utilitarian rooms are only decorated with crosses. Its church has rows upon rows of crosses, each fitted with an agonizing Christ. The stone crypt that the girls explore is festooned with faded red banners, creepy statues and lots of vines growing over everything. The gothic feel is reminiscent of many old Hammer films, with the subject matter just being a bit more dark and controversial.

For its time, the film was controversial, as it dealt with lesbianism, Satanism, sacrilege, the occult and more. While these themes are considered “tame” today, don’t be mistaken – the film still packs a punch. From a kiss that turns into Alucarda licking the blood off a naked Justine, to a gypsy Satanist that can invoke the Devil, to bloody psychic nuns to midnight orgies, to reanimated corpses to a fiery, Carrie-esque conclusion, this film will definitely keep your attention.

However, I feel like the above paragraph also does a disservice to Alucarda, as it is as not as exploitative as it may seen. The arresting visuals, engaging storyline and multi-layered themes heighten the film and make it into something much more substantial than your standard exploitative occult flick. The themes of evil corrupting even the most innocent, but also of redemption and ultimate faith, will resonate with viewers, regardless on their view of religion.

Alucarda is an underrated gem, and one that more fans of classic horror should definitely seek out.

Buy it on Amazon!

Zombeak (2010)

Zombie chickens are one thing, but how about zombie-chickens possessed by Satan?! That’s the general gist of Zombeak, a cheap but fun low-budget film. It is about a group of Satanists who kidnap a trash-talking waitress. They have plans to conjure Satan and have their master impregnate the waitress with the Antichrist. However, the waitress’ hick boyfriend, a gun-happy cop and her boss bust into the Satanist’s decrepit house before the ritual can be completed…but not before Satan has been summoned. Satan soon takes over the body of a sacrificed chicken and all hell soon breaks loose.

Zombeak is a fun, low-budget film. I liked how it wasn’t just a straight-up zombie poultry flick (we’ve already got the great Poultrygeist and Thankskilling for that!), but actually adds more dimension to the story by incorporating the Satanic subplot. And how can I pass up a film whose tagline is “Murder Most Foul”?!

I guess my biggest gripe with this film was the slim plot, which led to a lot of repetition. The flick is only 70 minutes long, but unfortunately takes 20 or 30 minutes to get going and get to the good stuff involving the Satan-possessed zombie chicken. When it finally gets to that point, I finally got engaged in the movie but the limited scope of the plot made me lose interest again.

However, I did like the schlocky feel of the film and enjoyed the characters, especially the trash-talking waitress as well as the Satanic priestess. Props to both actresses for their wonderfully spot-on performances! Films like this usually don’t have much character development, and Zombeak was no exception, however these two characters were the only ones I was really rooting for!

While the special effects are obviously low-budget, I thought their look actually fit well into the overall tone of the film. The zombie-chicken itself is pretty hilarious, but it works well with the goofy feel of the movie. Victims get pecked to death before becoming possessed themselves, and their makeup looked pretty cool.

The film is so over-the-top and shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Despite its issues with pacing and plot, I still felt that Zombeak was a commendable effort from those involved in this indie production. It’s a fun, nitty-gritty film that would be fun to watch with a group of friends and several frothy beers.

Check out Zombeak’s official site!

Hallow's End (2003)

Here is another Halloween-themed film plumbed from the depths of Netflix that I decided to give a looksie. You see, I’m on a quest to watch as many Halloween-related horror flicks as possible, no matter how crappy they may be! After having to sit through titles like Mr. Halloween, I wasn’t expecting much with Hallow’s End. In some respects, it was as awful as I expected, but I was surprised that there were instances where I actually enjoyed the film.

Do you remember the Halloween episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Simpsons where the characters become whatever costume they are dressed up as on Halloween night? Hallow’s End is like that, only it is set in a haunted attraction with a higher ratio of terrifying creatures like vampires, zombies and monsters!

Ok, I really have to say I dug the haunted attraction (appropriately called “Hallow’s End”) where the film was set. It was a bare bones haunt (well, what do you expect when frat boys execute it?), but the atmosphere was still Halloween-y. There were lots of great shots of the haunt, the actors of the haunt and patrons in costume and so on, all of which I enjoyed.

However, the film took forever to get going. The first half shows the frat brothers and their girlfriends setting up the haunt (and in the process finding a mysterious spell book that sets everything in motion), but there is too much annoying fighting between the two main male leads. The horrible acting doesn’t really help either. Instead of focusing on the stupid squabbles between characters, I wish the film spent more time on the backstory of the location (the opening scenes show a bunch of Satanists performing a ritual, but the film doesn’t really expand on this confusing intro) and the spell book. There is also a character named Pumpkin Jack that has a large part in the story, but appears on-screen for less than 10 minutes. I found myself wondering more about him than any of the other characters. As for the two main male leads (the good guy vs. the bad guy), they were both unlikable. The “good” guy is wimpy and never defends himself or those around him while the “bad” guy is just a stereotypical asshole and one-dimensional. The fact that both of them have girlfriends in the film is pretty unbelievable.

The real action doesn’t kick in until the last 20 or so minutes of the movie as people start turning into their costumes. We get vampires, zombies, serial killers, etc. and there are some pretty fun scenes here. Nothing too gory or shocking (this is low-budget, after all), but nonetheless entertaining! It doesn’t quite make up for the slow pacing of the beginning of the movie, but at least its interesting and the concept, though half-assed and not developed enough, is pretty original and not your typical slasher.

If you are a Halloween nut, you’ll appreciate the spook house location of Hallow’s End. It’s a low-budget film, but it actually looks quite well-done, especially the sets in the haunt. However, it has some glaring issues, mainly the pacing, acting and storyline. If you are looking for a Halloween-themed movie to watch and have exhausted all the regular Halloween flicks, Hallow’s End might be worth a look, at least for a rental. It certainly isn’t the worst, but it’s far from the best.

Available from Amazon!

Hack-O-Lantern (1988)

In my quest to watch every Halloween-themed horror flick I can get my hands on, I decided to give the obscure Hack-O-Lantern a whirl. This film combines one of my favorite subgenres of horror, satanic cults, with my favorite holiday, Halloween. What could go wrong, right?

The film opens with a young boy named Tommy as he is visited by his friendly grandfather on Halloween. Grandpa gives him his pick of pumpkins as well as an ominous looking pendant. Tommy’s family doesn’t like grandpa visiting his grandson and Tommy’s father goes after good ol’ grandpa to give him a piece of his mind. However, grandpa isn’t as nice as he seems…he’s actually the leader of a satanic cult and they dispatch Tommy’s dear old dad right quick.

The film then jumps ahead several years to the eve of Tommy’s 18^th birthday that happens to coincide with Halloween. Grandpa has grand plans for Tommy’s initiation into his satanic cult, but Tommy’s beleaguered mother pleads with him to reconsider. Also concerned for Tommy’s well-being are his younger sister and brother, who is a rookie cop.

With Halloween celebrations in full swing, a robed, Devil-masked killer starts murdering townsfolk. Can Tommy’s family stop him from joining his Grandpa in the Dark Arts or are they already too late?

At least the title got it right…HACK-O-Lantern is an apt title for this painfully silly “horror” movie. Good god, this movie felt like it dragged on and on though it clocked in at under an hour and a half. It had its entertaining parts (more on these later), but overall this is a serious piece of cinematic doody. The first glaring evidence of this was the ridiculous acting from Hy Pyke, who played Grandpa. Are all Satanist leaders this effeminate and non-threatening? And then we have the actor who played Tommy, Gregory Scott Thomas (whom you might recognize as Mac’s father on the hilarious TV show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Tommy is supposed to be nearing 18 in the film, but Scott Thomas is seriously mis-cast as he looks like a ‘roided out, 30-year-old jock rather than a young teenage follower of Satan.

Then, there are all the wacky and weird scenes throughout the movie. These are the “entertaining” bits I mentioned above. First is a seriously strange dream sequence/metal video that features an exotic voodoo-like dancer (check her out on the flick’s cover above) who, 1.) has multiple arms like a Hindu goddess, and, 2.) shoots horrible-looking lasers out of her eyes that zap the band members. This is a seriously WTF scene, but wait! It gets better…There’s the whole branding scene where nubile young Satan worshippers get their butts branded with a pentagram, another horrendous dime store metal band that screeches during a Halloween party that features random strippers and a five minute sequence of a “comedian” doing stupid impressions…of turkeys. Not to mention the amount of devil’s horns the characters throw around…except instead of the traditional holding up of just pointer and pinky fingers to hail the devil, the characters hold up pinky, pointer AND thumb…which actually means “I love you” in sign language and NOT “hail Satan”. Those silly satanists! Seriously, though, Grandpa, Tommy and other cult members throw the horns around non-stop…so much that you could in fact make a drinking game out of their appearances, taking a shot every time someone flashes the devil’s horns. However, you would probably be sloshed in 20 minutes…but perhaps that would be a better state of mind in which to watch the movie. Maybe if you’re drunk it would at least be kinda enjoyable.

Plus, there is the whole sleazy aspect of the film. We are talking random nudity (and not good nudity, it’s all low-budget ‘80s nudity here!) like the previous stripperella at the party mentioned above, plus a few non-sexy sex scenes. There is also the whole subtext of incest that pops up throughout the film. It is hinted that Tommy is actually the son of his mom and his grandpa. Yup, how ‘bout a big old EWWWWW from the audience, eh? I was half expecting that Tommy put the moves on his mom, but thankfully the film didn’t go down that road!

As for the kills? They were almost an afterthought and the only decent one worth mentioning is when a dude gets a shovel through his noggin. Yes, it is a low-budget film but the kills took a long time coming…too little too late in my opinion. It’s like the film couldn’t decide if it wanted to focus on the masked killer or the satanic cult and it ended up not giving enough attention to either. I also think too much time was spent on Tommy’s family, including his sister, brother and mother, instead of focusing on the supposed main character of the film, Tommy. The only time we saw him was when he was brooding in his room, listening to his crappy metal music and having weird dreams, or slamming the door in his poor mom’s face.

The ending had a nice little twist as to who the killer was, but by then I was really too bored to care. I watched Hack-O-Lantern for some fun Halloween thrills, but found it more of a chore to sit through. A film with a cool name like Hack-O-Lantern deserves to be somewhat entertaining, but this was more like Crap-O-Lantern.

If you are a brave soul, the VHS is available on Amazon!

The Legacy (1979)

Always a sucker for ‘70s thrillers set in old mansions with an occult/satanic twist, I decided to check out The Legacy, a 1979 flick starring Sam Elliott and Katharine Ross. While it focused less on the occult than I expected and was set up more of like a murder mystery whodunit, I found myself enjoying The Legacy, creepy cats and all (more on this later).

The film is about Los Angeles architect Margaret Walsh (Katharine Ross) who receives a mysterious job offer from England. Before her job starts, she and her boyfriend Pete (Sam Elliott) embark on a bike ride through Europe, but trouble starts when an accident puts their fate in the hands of the wealthy Jason Mountolive (John Standing), who insists they recuperate at his sprawling estate. Soon, other guests begin arriving and Margaret realizes she may have been handpicked and brought to the estate to inherit a sinister legacy. As various guests begin dying off, can Margaret and Pete escape before it is too late?

As far as 70s satanic films go, The Legacy pretty middle-of-the-road. It’s not one of the best but it’s certainly not one of the worst. However, I appreciate that it’s not your typical satanic cult film and not a lot of emphasis is placed on the “black magick” aspect of the film. Instead, it focuses on the mystery of why Margaret is part of the proceedings and who is going to die next.

The story takes a while to get going, as the first 30 or so minutes are spent on Margaret and Pete exploring the estate and puzzling over the other guests and the rather unhelpful help. The “mystery” as to why they are there and why guests are dying is pretty obvious, but it’s still fun to watch them slowly piece it all together.

Of course, it has its WTF moments – like the horrible opening credits that feature the worst song EVER to assault my ears in a horror movie, or the copious shots of cats throughout the estate (which are never really explained, though I guess they are Mountolive’s or the Devil’s minions keeping an eye on things), or repetitive shots of Margaret and Pete driving round and round on country roads trying to escape but somehow always ending up at the estate – but it also hosts some neat-o moments. The first death, featuring a drowning in a pool, comes pretty unexpectedly and jars you awake after the somewhat slow first 30 minutes of the film. There is also a scene that occurs a bit later featuring a rock star (played by Roger Daltrey) choking on a chicken bone and an emergency tracheotomy being performed on him that’s quite well-done! And who can forget the reveal of Mountolive on his deathbed?

Sure, the gore is non-existent and some of the deaths are a little cheesy (especially the one where Charles Gray’s character burns to death), but director Richard Marquand (who would go on to direct 1983’s Return of the Jedi) does a pretty good job of delivering an atmospheric, not-quite-satanic occult/supernatural story. The use of the mansion, with its labyrinth of seemingly never-ending rooms and grounds, creates a creepy atmosphere as the estate takes on a character all its own. Marquand even creates a claustrophobic feeling, even with all that space, that makes the audience feel as trapped as the guests. And the ending just feels pitch-perfect in a dark, twisted way!

The Legacy is an entertaining, though at times cheesy, occult flick from the ‘70s. From the awful opening music number to the silly “sinister” shots of cats (yeah, WTF?!) this movie had me giggling most of the time, but it also had its moments of tension and shocks and was entertaining throughout it’s hour and a half running time. It may not be entirely memorable, but The Legacy decides a look at least once!

Available from Amazon!

The Commune (2009)

I really wanted to love this movie, fiends, I really did!! First off, it’s written, directed, produced, etc. by firecracker filmmaker Lis Fies. I just love her spunk and attitude, especially when we interviewed her for Women in Horror Month! Secondly, it sounded like it was going to be an homage to the sleazy 70s satanic slashers where a creepy cult goes after a nubile young virgin. I love me some killer cult horror flicks! Thirdly, I had heard so much hype about this movie I was thinking there was no way I could dislike it.

Oops…I was wrong. Ultimately I was let down by The Commune.

Soon to be 16-year-old Jenny (Chauntal Lewis, looking, ahem, more than slightly older than 15) is sent to live with her hippie dad on a commune for the summer. The community of hippies seems pretty harmless at first, with their stereotypical Earth Mother worship, yoga classes and uber-healthy diets, but things take a sinister turn as Jenny’s 16^th birthday approaches. Does the commune want to turn her into a hemp-wearing flower child or do they have more ominous plans for her?

Technically, The Commune was impressive. As a director, Fies excels at making the film look like it had a much bigger budget than it did. The film looks sharp and professional and includes many establishing shots of the commune to give the audience a feel for its atmosphere. I liked that Fies took the time to set up different shots and compositions to make the film visually interesting.

Also impressive was the acting (even though some of the actors couldn’t pass for the ages they were portraying…ahem Chauntal Lewis!). Chauntal Lewis did a great job with the naïve Jenny. While at first she comes off as bratty and annoying, her character really starts to grow on you after a while. I also thought that Stuart G. Bennett did an amazingly job as the creepy Dr. Polieos, Jenny’s dad, with glances at his daughter that last far too long and leave you feeling very icky.

However, despite these glimmers of greatness, the film overall lacked a certain “oomph!” I was looking for and in the end was pretty predictable. The script seemed a bit bare and it seemed the film would have worked better as a short. Without very much of anything happening, the pacing was off and the film felt drawn out and slow. Besides a few startling moments the film had neither scares nor did it create a tense, suspenseful atmosphere. The characters seemed pretty one-dimensional as well, with only Jenny and Dr. Polieos fully fleshed out. I would have like to have seen more menace from the members of the commune and more development of their characters. I understand the filmmaker may have wanted to make them appear as “sheep”, but they all could have used more edginess in order to give the film more suspense. And portraying them as “weird” or “evil” just because they ate healthy and were “hippies” seemed like lazy and irresponsible screenwriting to me.

The Commune is supposed to be based on Greek tragedy with a 70s psycho-sexual slant (which sounds pretty cool, right?), but for me it just failed to deliver anything but yawns, something I’m definitely not looking for when watching a horror movie. The technical aspects of the film make me look forward to Lis Fies future work behind the camera, but I do hope she bones up on her screenwriting skills and conceives a less predictable story than The Commune.

Check out the official site!

Book Review: How to Make Friends with Demons by Graham Joyce

William Heaney is a man well acquainted with demons. These demons are not his broken family – his wife has left him for a celebrity chef, his snobbish teenaged son despises him, and his daughter’s new boyfriend resembles Nosferatu – nor his drinking problem, nor his unfulfilling government job, but real demons.

Demons are real, and William has identified one thousand five hundred and sixty-seven smoky figures, dwelling on the shadowy fringes of human life, influencing our decisions with their sweet and poisoned voices.

After a series of seemingly unconnected personal encounters, William Heaney’s life is thrown into a direction he does not fully comprehend. Past and present collide. Long-dormant choices and forgotten deceptions surface. Secrets threaten to become exposed. To weather these changes, William Heaney must learn one thing: how to make friends with demons.

Though not a straight-forward horror novel, How to Make Friends with Demons is an absorbing genre-bender from author Graham Joyce. The character of William Heaney is immediately likable. From his charitable work with GoPoint, a shelter for the homeless to his “everyman” problems, including his strained family relations – we can easily relate to Heaney’s thoughts and actions. Yet, we also learn that Heaney runs a forgery ring, copying rare literature and using charlatan’s methods to sell the forgeries. However, he always donates all his profit to GoPoint. We also learn about his more sinister side and how he came to recognize demons. It seems that back in his college days a dorm mate of his conjured a powerfully evil demon from an incantation Heaney himself had put together. Even since those fateful events and subsequent consequences Heaney has been able to recognize demons that plague humans, even his own. As you can see, William Heaney is a very complex character, and despite his flaws and poor choices, Joyce has written him in such an “Average Joe” way that the reader can identify with him.

Heaney isn’t the only well-developed character, though. Joyce has populated the book with some very memorable, very colorful characters. These include Heaney’s forgery partners-in-crime artist Stinx and model-celebrity Jaz, inspirational GoPoint founder Antonia Bowen, Heaney’s mysterious love interest Yasmin, a disturbed ex-soldier named Seamus, college dorm mate Fraser, and of course, Heaney’s estranged family.

The fascinating characters could have been enough to make an entertaining novel, but Joyce pushes it farther and places the characters in intriguing storylines. I was captivated by all the different events, past and present, surrounding Heaney’s life, and how in the end they all came together to form a cohesive and stimulating story. There isn’t that much “horror”, but the quick glimpses of shadowy demons and the occult circumstances surrounding some deaths during Heaney’s college days were decidedly creepy. Surprisingly, though, the novel ends on a more heartfelt and uplifting note. Throughout its pages it also hits on many different themes, such as alienation and redemption, which everyone can easily associate with.

How to Make Friends with Demons is a rare find in horror literature these days. It presents true horror in the form of human’s own cruel nature and also shows us how our demons can be overcome. It is an intelligent and interesting novel for anyone wanting a more low-key and realistic approach to horror that features unforgettable characters and many intriguing plot twists.

Check it out on Amazon!

Book Review: The Picture of Contented New Wealth by Tariq Goddard

The Picture of Contented New Wealth is an intellectual horror story set in a creepy old house in the English countryside. Something evil has been lurking in its dark paneled walls for as long as the house has stood, but ever since the Conti family has moved in the presence seems more…malign.

The evil presence soon reveals itself as demonic in nature, no matter how unbelieving the secular family is. Mrs. Conti soon becomes possessed and her young son falls under her power. It is up to the incredulous Mr. Conti to find a way to save his family.

Here is the official book description:

“In the brilliant red doom of a Hampshire Sunset, Brigit Conti can hear a voice behind her ears that is not her own. Bed-bound, and complaining of a rare bone disease that no Doctor can diagnose, her husband fears that the house they have purchased is a portal through which an older, more malign energy has passed, possessing his wife and son. Through their successive deterioration, his secular and agnostic world-view undergoes a metamorphosis, drawing him to a strange man from the hills: the Rector, their unlikely saviour. Or are he and his family merely victims of their own self-serving yuppie way of life?

The Picture of Contented New Wealth is a gothic tragedy set in the nineteen eighties, bringing proper characterization and a literary sensibility to the traditional horror story. Its mix of generic elements and mystical realism deal with the irreducibility of evil and its successful normalization in to our daily and dominant reality.” 

This eloquent novel is not your typical haunted house or possession story. Author Tariq Goddard weaves some heavy philosophical and religious themes throughout the novel, yet “heavy” shouldn’t be taken to mean that they weigh the book down. These themes help bolster the book’s story and make perfect sense in the grand scheme of things.

Goddard makes wonderful use of the large house the Conti’s move into, called Tyger Tyger, which, of course, brings to mind William Blake’s poem The Tyger (“Tyger! Tyger! burning bright/ In the forests of the night,/What immortal hand or eye/Could frame thy fearful symmetry?”). And Tyger Tyger House certainly does burn bright…with all the fires of Hell! Its long, shadowy corridors, whispering voices, shadowy figures and things that just don’t seem right certainly sent shivers up my spine! The experiences the family members face in the house are downright unsettling, including their son claiming to play with the family’s long-dead cat or their au pere’s horrifyingly real nightmares.

Equally horrifying is the possession of Mrs. Conti. Her husband is so disbelieving of the supernatural that he thinks she is just mentally ill, but after his continued experiences with both the house, strange occurrences and his sick wife, comes to believe in the supernatural. Mrs. Conti’s attacks keep getting worse, her appearance changing along with her demeanor. Her transformation is chilling to read and yet you can’t help but wanting to read more.

I haven’t personally read any of author Goddard’s previous works, but I sincerely hope that in his literary future he decides to write another horror novel. The Picture of Contented New Wealth crawled deep under my skin and remained there long after I had finished reading it. Its metaphysical horror story will certainly get you thinking all the while you cower under the covers!

Order it on Amazon!

The Devil's Nightmare (1971)

Another little seen Satanic film from 1971 is The Devil’s Nightmare (La Plus Longue Nuit du Diable) aka Castle of Death aka Nightmare of Terror aka Succubus, etc., etc. Usually only familiar in Euro-sleaze or Euro-horror circles, The Devil’s Nightmare is a surprisingly entertaining flick dripping with gothic atmosphere and surreal scenes.

The film begins during WWII, where the Baron’s wife is giving birth. Upon learning that the babe is a girl and that his wife died in childbirth, he stabs the baby to death. Quite a shocking opening from a 1970’s film!

We then jump ahead a few years, where a reporter is interviewing the Baron in his dark and dreary castle about his family’s past. He seems to think his family is cursed, having made a pact with the Devil centuries ago that states the oldest daughter of each generation must serve the devil by becoming a succubus (and explaining the earlier scene where he killed his daughter). After this illuminating interview, the reporter makes the mistake of tarrying too long taking photographs of the castle and meets a grisly end. We then meet a group of travelers who are forced to take refuge in the Baron’s castle after becoming lost and taking directions from a creepy, corpse-like man. Each of these seven travelers is supposed to represent one of the Seven Deadly Sins (Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride), though some are easier to distinguish than others.

That night, they are introduced to a mysterious visitor (played by stunning redhead Erika Blanc, known for her sleazy Euro-horror roles in films like The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave and Kill, Baby… Kill!), who begins to lead each traveler down the road of temptation! Turns out she is a succubus and lures the sinners to their damnation with their specific vices. The only one who doesn’t fall under her decadent-but-deadly spell is the lone priest in the group, but can he stop her and the Devil before all their souls are damned to Hell?

While the story, written by Jean Brismée (who also directed) and Pierre-Claude Garnier, seems like a pretty straightforward allegory inspired by medieval morality tales, it also features a surprising and clever twist ending. I definitely didn’t see the ending coming, and when it actually happened it threw me for a loop! Quite the wicked little surprise that shows you should never make a deal with the Devil! Besides the ending, the story is kept lively by the colorful and sinful characters, keeping the audience rooting for their deaths! There is the annoying married couple, with the sleazy husband who covets other women (Envy) and the distrustful yet rich wife (Greed), a nymphomaniac brunette (Lust), a lazy blonde (Sloth), a holier-than-thou priest (Pride), a cranky old man (Wrath) and a hungry tour guide (Gluttony).

There isn’t much gore to speak of, but some of the ways the travelers are done away with are pretty amusing. The glutton of the group eats himself to death and chokes on poisoned wine (and the close-ups of him stuffing his greasy mouth are probably the most disturbing of the movie) while a greedy woman drowns in a mound of gold. Other kill scenes make little sense and don’t seem to tie into the specific person’s sin (like the Sloth woman dying from snakebite while she sleeps). Still, the scenes of the succubus stalking her prey, with her sunken cheekbones and ghoulish makeup, are always entertaining.

I also enjoyed the Baron’s creepy gothic castle that looked like it was transplanted straight from Transylvania. With its intricate stonework, gaudy Baroque furnishings and rich red drapes, Dracula would have felt right at home! Of course, Satan’s succubus considered it pretty comfy as well.

My only complaints were that the film drags a bit too much in certain parts, especially during some drawn-out lesbian scenes that go on for way too long. Maybe certain guys will enjoy them, but the soft-focus, girl-on-girl action did nothing for me, especially with the ridiculous paisley decorating scheme and the horrible ‘70s music lurking in the background. I also wished that some of the deaths tied more into each traveler’s particular sin instead of running out of ideas halfway through the film and having them die in seemingly random ways.

Though The Devil’s Nightmare certainly has its faults, I was still surprised by the entertainment value it offered. This film isn’t for everyone, but those that appreciate classic Euro-horror will most likely get a kick out of it. If you haven’t seen it, it at least deserves one viewing! It would be a sin not to see it!

Order it on Amazon!

The Brotherhood of Satan (1971)

In this little-seen and underrated Satanic flick, elderly residents of a isolated town have taken to snatching children and turning them into followers of Satan. Once they’ve collected enough children, a ritual will be held to transpose the senior citizens souls into the bodies of the kids, giving them renewed life!

Meanwhile, Ben (Charles Bateman), his girlfriend Nicky (Ahna Capri) and his daughter K.T. (Geri Reischl) are on their way to grandmother’s house when they happen upon a horrible accident and drive to the nearest town for help. Unfortunately, it’s the same Satanic town mentioned above and there they are met with hysterical townsfolk. They drive away, but car trouble forces them back into town. Once back in, a supernatural force keeps them and the rest of the townsfolk trapped. Seems that the senior citizen Satanists need one more child to perform their Black Mass, and that child is K.T. Will Ben save his daughter and the town before it’s too late and the small fry of Satan are unleashed?

The Brotherhood of Satan certainly has a convoluted and confusing way of unfolding its narrative, but as the pieces come together you are drawn further and further into the story. Besides its weird narrative structure, the film also boasts some odd scenes including a toy tank turning into a real tank and crushing a car and a dancing doll that causes the death of some parents, among others. The real highlight of the film for me was the Satan-worshipping party the seniors had. It was just like a potluck, except upon entry each person pledged their allegiance to Satan and one of their own was tried for allowing her grandson to be baptized. When she was deemed guilty, the ferocity and rage her brethren had towards her was truly frightening. There are also clever ideas used throughout the movie, including children’s toys as the instruments of murder (I don’t want to speak too much on this lest I give anything away, but toys come to (larger than) life to exact murder on parents).

Though the film is very PG-ish and lacks much blood and/or gore, the use of weird camera angles, an evocative score, creepy kids, the colorful visuals and the disorienting narrative really help give it a nightmarish, disturbing quality. Director Bernard McEveety and writers L.Q. Jones (who also stars as the town’s sheriff), Sean MacGregor and William Welch did an excellent job with the film, and I can’t understand why it hasn’t gotten more recognition over the years. It certainly isn’t perfect (especially with the confusing narrative structure), but it certainly deserves another look from horror fans.

If you are looking for a quirky ‘70s Satanic movie, The Brotherhood of Satan is one that should not be overlooked. With shades of Rosemary’s Baby and Race with the Devil, it really deserves a bigger audience!

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Fever Night aka Band of Satanic Outsiders (2009)

Have you ever been so blown away by a film that it left you at a loss for words? That the film was just so rad that to try to describe it in words would do it a disservice? For a reviewer like myself, this can be quite problematic. On one hand, I got to see an amazing film that melted my face off with its awesomeness, but on the other hand its hard to describe to others just how good it was, leaving me with a bit of writer’s block.

Well, Fever Night definitely leaves me feeling inadequate in the face of its genius.

Fever Night (or Static Age aka Band of Satanic Outsiders) is an acid-trip, psychotomimetic horror film about three Satanists who are faced with serious repercussions after going into the woods one night and worshipping the Devil. The trouble starts when Terry (Melanie Rose Wilson) is accidentally run over as the three try to get their car out of some mud. This leaves Elliot (Peter Tullio) and Warren (Philip Nolan Marlatt) to traipse through the dark woods towards a bright light hoping to find help…

As their desperation to get out of the forest increases, they come across foreboding signs like dead birds, animal skulls, anthropomorphic foliage…and Satan himself. Will they be able to survive their descent into Hell or are their fates already sealed?

Fever Night is an independent, low-budget production that took over two years to make. As filmmakers, writers and directors Jordan Harris and Andrew Schrader say themselves on the film’s Myspace page:

“This truly independent production – lit primarily with portable work lamps and shot by a crew of three [Jordan Harris, Andrew Schrader, Steven Getz] – launched pre-production from a parent’s floor with stolen grant money from the filmmakers’ alma mater.

The shoestring budget increased gradually over the two-year production; as the two directors pooled every dollar they could from odd jobs like writing final exam papers for lazy college students.”

Considering this is the filmmakers’ first film (not to mention their meager budget), I am absolutely blown away by the high quality of the film in everything from the directing to the writing to the acting to the cinematography to the score! Absolutely every single piece of the film fits beautifully into the overall picture and everything comes together to form a top-notch film. This is the kind of film most first-time filmmakers (or hell, even experienced filmmakers) WISH they could make!

The film’s look is very retro, right down to the opening titles and the trippy music by the band Thee Oh Sees. The film itself is slightly grainy, giving it that grindhouse grit of films from the ‘70s. Though the film is set at night, there is an impressive use of psychedelic colors used throughout that just adds to the retro atmosphere and makes you feel as if you are running through a Dario Argento color palette (think Suspiria psychedelics). Though the primary lighting equipment was merely work lights, I loved the lighting in Fever Night. It adds to the dizzyingly disorienting atmosphere of the film and really makes it feel like you are alongside Elliot and Warren, trying to find your way through the hellish forest with just a pair of flashlights.

Besides the hallucinatory look of the film, the special FX are also top notch. We are treated to many freaky instances, including bloody bird carcasses, a goat skull that bleeds and floats on its own before morphing into Baphomet, bloody wounds, someone that comes back from the dead to haunt the remaining friends (with some killer makeup effects to match) and so on. All of the effects used were believable and looked real, a feat that most independent productions have a problem pulling off. This may not be a gore-drenched picture, and it doesn’t need to be. The effects used throughout are enough to jar the viewer.

Now, one thing that indie productions usually lack is good acting…but again, Fever Night succeeds where most others fail! The three lead actors, Melanie Rose Wilson (“Terry”), Philip Nolan Marlatt (“Warren”) and Peter Tullio (“Elliot”) do an amazing job of bringing their characters to life and making them believable, especially after encountering all the crazy satanic stuff they see. Some actors may have been tempted to play their characters as over-the-top, but these three “keep it real” and rein it in to give credible, strong performances. I especially liked Marlatt’s portrayal of the meek Warren, who slowly but surely loses his innocence as the night progresses.

Fever Night is a mind-blowing acid trip of a film that takes you through themes of life and death, good and evil with a healthy dose of disorientation and debauchery. This is one of the best independent films I’ve seen this year and I definitely see it making my “top 10” list at the end of the year. I could try to sing its praises all day long, but in the end it truly must be seen to be believed…

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The Masque of the Red Death (1964)

The 1960’s brought us a plethora of Edgar Allen Poe stories that were adapted for the screen. Behind these was the “King of the B’s” Roger Corman, who brought audiences Poe titles like The Fall of the House of Usher (1960), The Pit and the Pendulum (1961), The Raven (1963) and, of course, The Masque of the Red Death. The Masque of the Red Death is arguable the best of Corman’s Poe adaptations. It is an ambitions film, featuring lavish sets, period costumes, Bacchanalian indulgences and a strong performance by the prince of horror himself, Vincent Price. Though the film takes a few liberties with Poe’s original story, namely adding some Satanism to the mix, it remains fairly faithful to the short story and certainly stands heads above other Corman films.

Prince Prospero (Vincent Price) is a wicked ruler, leaving the peasants to die from a strange plague called the Red Death that is sweeping the land while he and his noble friends wall themselves up in his castle. They ignore the outside world and indulge in every kind of debauchery available while breaking all the seven deadly sins of greed, gluttony, lust, sloth, envy, pride and even wrath. Prince Prospero is a Satan worshipper, though, and enjoys watching the corruption of his guests. He is baffled by peasant Francesca’s (Jane Asher) steadfast faith, and is determined to corrupt her pure spirit. Meanwhile, the Red Death creeps closer and closer to the castle, and no amount of brick and mortar or weapons can keep Death away.

The Masque of the Red Death is one of my favorite Poe stories, and Corman’s film is like watching it come alive. The stunning visuals and vibrant colors are all captured in the film. I especially liked the set design and how the different colored rooms in Prospero’s castle were presented. The contrast of light and dark is well represented within the visuals of the film; even the order of the rooms goes from bright to dark to bright to dark again. The good vs. evil theme was supported by the color schemes, including the fact that Francesca wore white in her first appearance of the castle and Prospero’s garb was always dark.

Besides the obvious color symbolism, the medieval and gothic visuals are striking. This is one of Corman’s most colorful films, and the large palette used seems decadent and sinful in itself! The bright, bold interiors of the castle are quite a contrast to the bleak peasant village and fog-shrouded countryside. The theme of class struggle within the film can be seen not only in the actions of the nobles, but also in the gaudy colors they parade around in. Of course, all, both peasant and noble, are made equal by the Red Death! This is another theme the film explores. It doesn’t matter what you believe or how much money you have because no one escapes death.

Moving on from the abundant themes found within the film, I must say that Vincent Price’s performance as the cruel Prince Prospero is a joy to watch! He is absolutely perfect as the villain, even forcing his guests to behave like animals at one point!! He does everything for his own amusement and entertainment and his lavish, non-stop ball is just a means for him to further corrupt his guests. His cold, detached demeanor makes you shiver in anticipation, but his maliciousness makes you want to keep watching what he’ll do next! On the contrary (because the film is all about contrasts), the peasant Francesca, played marvelously by Jane Asher, does things for others instead of herself. She basically sacrifices herself to save her father and the man she loves from Prince Prospero, all the while infuriating and fascinating Prospero with her acts of love and kindness.

In a film all about juxtaposing good vs. evil, it’s odd to note that though Prospero is obviously evil, Price gives him a charming subtext that is almost irresistible. No matter how evil we see him as, we can’t help but want to know more about him. It’s hard to say if this is because of how the character is written or because of how Price played him, but this temptation to follow Prospero remains.

Overall, The Masque of the Red Death is probably the best adaptation to date of the Edgar Allen Poe story. It stays faithful enough to the story but holds the audience’s interest by adding a satanic subplot to the proceedings. It also explores the sharp contrasts between good and evil through use of symbolic use of colors, costumes, sets and other visuals. The Masque of the Red Death is Corman at the top of his game during his “Poe” period, and I encourage anyone who is a fan of the “King of the B’s” or Vincent Price to check out this lavish production!

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Beyond the Door (1974)

Feeling very much like a mix of Rosemary’s Baby and The Exorcist, Beyond the Door (aka Chi Sei? and The Devil Within Her) tells the story of Jessica Barrett (Juliet Mills), a seemingly happy ‘70s housewife with two bratty, potty-mouthed kids and husband Robert (Gabriele Lavia) who is a successful music producer. Things take a turn for the worse when Jessica discovers she is pregnant. When Robert finds her in the bathroom puking up blood, Jessica swears that the baby is trying to kill her. She begins hearing strange, guttural voices and laughter and acting strangely. Upon visiting the doctor, she is shocked to find out that the fetus is developing at an accelerated rate. There is also a strange man named Dimitri (Richard Johnson) hanging around, who is either intends to help or harm Jessica. It all comes to a head when Jessica becomes possessed by the devil inside of her, spewing bile and threats to all around her. Can she be helped or will she give birth to the damned thing inside of her?

Beyond the Door is a great Satanic possession film form 1974. It probably isn’t a must-see for all horror fans, but those that enjoy films in this particular sub-genre should definitely give it a look. Though it sometimes has an unintentionally funny feel to it, it has a great atmosphere, a few nice scares and enough gross-out puke to give The Exorcist a run for its money!

Beyond the Door came out just a year after The Exorcist, and though it is similar I wouldn’t call it a direct rip-off. Though, like Regan in The Exorcist, Jessica takes on a whole new, unflattering look, spews a lot of groddy greenish-brown puke and turns her head all the way around, the similarities don’t make the film any less engrossing. The film also shares some close similarities with Rosemary’s Baby, like when Jessica eats a rotten banana peel off the street just like Rosemary eats raw meat in Rosemary’s Baby. Even though Beyond the Door has been called a “rip-off” of earlier horror flicks, I still found it to be an enjoyable film and worth seeing.

One thing that makes it such a treat is the crazy kid characters. The little boy, Ken (David Colin Jr.) loves to say curse words and his older sister, Gail (Barbara Fiorini), loves to talk like a hep cat and has fifteen copies of the same book she always lugs around with her. I’m not really sure what the point of making these kids so weird was, but it sure kept me entertained!! The characters of the parents, Jessica and Robert, were a little more normal, but they certainly didn’t act like normal parents!

Besides the quirky characters, the narrative of the story flowed pretty normally. I loved how it opened upon this candlelit church with an eerie voiceover of the “star” of the story! Though there were some plot holes and things that were never quite tied up, overall I enjoyed the story the film presented. The story was engaging, the characters were unique, the situation was scary and the location was visually arresting.

Speaking of locations, Beyond the Door’s location of sunny San Francisco, with additional scenes filmed in Italy, gave the film a beautiful, dreamlike quality that juxtaposed well with the horror later in the film. The protagonists’ apartment and surroundings are all beautiful…but things start to take a sinister turn as Jessica becomes possessed by the devil inside her. The children’s toys take on a sinister look, cupboards slam on their own, plates are hurled against the walls before breaking into hundreds of pieces and Jessica herself becomes menacing as the demon takes over her body. The contrast between the airy apartment before the possession and the dark, isolated apartment it becomes during the possession really heightens the tension and illustrates the dramatic change Jessica has gone through.

Beyond the Door is a forgotten possession film that really should be seen by fans of the sub-genre. Though it obviously “borrowed” heavily from The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby, it is still a pretty good film that deserves to be seen!

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Rock N Roll Nightmare (1987)

In the cheesy headbangin’ horror movie Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (aka The Edge of Hell) we get to see Jon Mikl Thor in all his Aqua Net glory as lead singer Triton in an 80s hair band (see their #1 hit “We Live to Rock!”) They’ve rented a creepy Canadian (apparently Canada is “where it’s happening, man”!) farmhouse to get away from it all and focus on their music. Their record label even converted the old barn out back into a recording studio! Except, instead of headbanging the band members just want to bang their girlfriends/wives/groupies/each other. Well, we all know that when people go their separate ways in horror flicks it’s an invitation to trouble…sure enough, out pop some demons to take over the band members’ bodies…Why? Cuz that’s how they roll, that’s why. Soon, the only one left standing is Triton himself, who must face the big baddie of all demons…Satan himself. Triton’s got a hidden secret, though…plus, he distracts Satan by rockin’ nothing more than a studded speedo!

Fiends, I will admit to you (if you haven’t figured it out from the synopsis alone) that this is one pretty awful movie, but you just aren’t living until you’ve seen the pure ridiculousness of the epic final battle between Triton and puppets! The barely-there plot, meandering scenes and semi-annoying characters are all forgotten when Triton throws down in front of Satan. Of course, it looks like he is just fighting himself because he has to react to puppets, but that’s all part of this film’s charm!

There is just too much cheesiness to discuss in so short a time. While it’s nowhere near as zany as Hard Rock Zombies, it still has plenty of so-bad-they’re-good moments. Where do I even start? Well, first there’s the 10 minute long intro that consists of watching the band’s van drive up and down country roads. And if to reemphasize that they are hard rockin’ bad boys, they’ve got handcuffs attached to the rear view mirror…that way you know they’re hardcore! Next, I could go on and on about Triton’s ridiculous wardrobe – from a sparkly, metallic tuxedo coat to a polka dot blouse that’s about 10 sizes too small…but fashion doesn’t really make the movie, but it does give you something extra to laugh at!

As for what happens the whole hour or so before the epic final battle? People wander off and have boring sex, the band plays a few songs, more annoying songs are played throughout the film on the radios throughout the farmhouse, a gaggle of groupies shows up for five seconds (not sure what happened to them, but pretty sure they got eaten…hopefully) and, oh yeah, there are a few demon attacks here and there. There is definitely not much of a plot here, and most of the film just seems to aimlessly meander from one scene to the next.

As for the demons, though there are a few cool skeletal ones, the rest are mostly little puppets that look like one-eyed monsters (ya, THAT kind of one-eyed monster…this movie really takes the phrase “rock out with your cock out” a little TOO literally!). They don’t really look all that menacing, but more like adult Sesame Street rejects. As for Satan’s creature effects – he basically looks like he’s pieced together from discarded remnants of the ants in THEM! It also appears that he likes to fight dirty by hurling one-eyed puppet starfish at our hero (whose reaction to them is priceless!). The ensuing “epic” battle makes the performances in pro-wrestling look Oscar-worthy!

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare is a fun movie if you don’t expect too much. It doesn’t deliver much except a few good laughs, but sometimes that’s all you need for a good time! It is so ridiculous that it begs to be seen at least once by every horror fan.

RAWK!

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Book Review: Evil Ways by Justin Gustainis

It’s been a while since I’ve had the pleasure of reading a good occult-themed horror novel. Luckily my dry spell has been broken by Justin Gustainis’ Evil Ways, the second book in his Quincey Morris Supernatural Investigation series.

Quincey Morris and his partner, white witch Libby Chastain, are investigating a series of child murders where the victims’ organs are removed…while the children are still alive. These ritualistic murders are occurring throughout the country and obviously being perpetrated by an organized group of black magic practitioners. Equally troubling are the murders of many white witches throughout the United States.

It is obvious that those behind the ritualistic killings are extremely skilled in black magic and preparing to unleash hell on earth, unless Morris and Chastain, along with their allies, FBI agents Fenton and O’Connell and assassin Hannah Widmark, can stop them before they complete their ritual on Walpurgis Night.

Evil Ways is a quick read, made all the more enjoyable by Gustainis’ effective handle on prose, dialogue and characterizations. Gustainis wrote Evil Ways so that it stands on its own and you don’t have to have read the first novel in the series to grasp the characters’ relationships and motivations. The characters are fleshed out just enough for newbies, but not overly so where fans of Gustainis earlier work would feel like the information is repetitive. The writing style is quick and snappy, and filled with witty (and believable) dialogue between characters.

It is obvious that Gustainis did some pretty hefty occult research before writing the book. The novel is filled with spells, symbols, rituals, incantations that all operate under a certain set of rules (for example, white witches cannot harm anyone with their magic). Gustainis was extremely consistent with all the tenets of magic and because of this consistency made the novel that much more believable. It is hard to pull off a novel about witches, wizards and the occult without coming off as cheesy, but this is definitely one of the best fiction books I’ve read on the subject and was a definite joy to read. The spells cast and rituals performed got downright nasty (resurrecting victims as zombies and sending them to attack someone) and some were very inventive (conjuring a water sprite in the shower to attack some hit men).

I also enjoyed the wide variety of characters. There were many different storylines happening simultaneously to all the characters in the book that helped quicken the pace of the novel. Something was always happening to someone, whether it was the evil wizard Pardee preparing for Walpurgis Night, the white witches that were being hunted down, the hit men doing the witch hunting, investigators Fenton and O’Connell trying to get to the bottom of the child murders, badass assassin Hannah Widmark or the colorful Morris and resourceful Chastain. Even the characters that were only around for a chapter were well developed!

If you are looking for a fast-paced, intense, thrilling and fun book to read, look no further than Evil Ways. I am definitely going to keep my eye on Gustainis’ future novels and plan on going back to read Black Magic Woman!

Available from Amazon!

Trick or Treat (1986)

To get in the Halloween spirit, I decided to watch the festively named Trick or Treat, the one that features Ozzy Osbourne and Gene Simmons in cameo roles. Trick or Treat isn’t a great movie by any means, but it has a certain spellbinding charm that keeps it entertaining, and not just for metalheads.

Eddie (Marc Price, or “Skippy” from Family Ties as most people remember him) is a metalhead outcast at his high school. The jocks always pick on him and pull cruel pranks on him, like pushing him naked out into the school gym when the girl’s volleyball team is practicing. His outlet for all his anger and pent-up frustration is metal music, and his idol is rock star Sammi Curr (Tony Fields). When Sammi dies in a hotel fire, Eddie is devastated. A radio DJ (Gene Simmons) gives Eddie the studio master of Sammi’s unreleased record to cheer him up. After playing the record backwards, Eddie unwittingly unleashes the spirit of Sammi. At first, Eddie finds Sammi to be useful at getting revenge on the jocks, but soon realizes Sammi is evil. Sammi becomes more and more powerful until he materializes in the flesh on Halloween night to raise hell…

Trick or Treat was quite a surprise and I really found myself enjoying it. Though there aren’t any scares, its entertainment value alone makes it worth watching. The story is pretty original and I love how the filmmakers took a look at metal music and the big controversy that surrounded it in the ‘80s.

My one big gripe with the film was the poor pacing at the beginning. The first 30 – 45 minutes just crawl by and consist of scenes of Eddie being tormented at school, then getting home and blaring his metal music, then going back to school and being hassled again and returning home to listen to more metal in his gloomy room, rinse, repeat…you get the idea. I think just one scene of this would have elicited enough sympathy for Eddie at which point we could have gotten to the real action of the film.

The real action doesn’t start until somewhere around the one-hour mark, when Sammi is finally unleashed and starts strutting around, zapping people. My favorite part is when Sammi crashes the high school’s Halloween dance and puts on a killer performance – literally! He shoots electrical charges out of his guitar that basically pulverize his victims. He can also move through electrical currents and can get you pretty much anywhere there’s electricity.

The logistics, as well as the how’s and why’s of Sammi’s satanic, electrifying ways are never quite explained, but that niggling little problem is easily quieted by the overall fun you’ll have watching this flick. Besides a few unexplained, illogical plot points and a slow start, the film’s story (by Rhet Topham, with the screenplay written by Joel Soisson, Michael S. Murphey and Rhet Topham) is actually quite inventive. I mean, where else could you find an outcast metalhead conjuring up his dead rock star idol with a satanic ritual, causing irreparable harm to the neighborhood on Halloween? Not to mention all the killer ‘80s hair metal fashion – leather, chains, piercings, tattoos, and who can for get the big, frizzy, poofy hair!

The music, performed mainly by Fastway, is actually pretty good. It’ll put you in that metal state of mind! And, of course, the cameos by Ozzy Osbourne (as a conservative, religious/political pundit speaking out against metal music on TV) and Gene Simmons (as a radio DJ) are pretty enjoyable as well!

Surprisingly, the acting (even by Osbourne and Simmons) is well done. Marc Price plays a convincing teenager that’s fed up with the status quo and the mainstream. He is very relatable and I know many people (myself included) can relate to him and what he is going through in high school. I also loved Tony Fields’ portrayal of Sammi Curr…he completely nails it and had me checking on IMDB to see if he really was a rock star! He is just that good!

For a nostalgic kick, Trick or Treat is a fun movie that’ll take you back to hair metal’s heyday. Don’t expect any scares, but you’ll definitively be entertained by Trick or Treat’s music and unique story.

Metalhead or not, Trick or Treat is a definite horror movie treat!

Available from Amazon!

Catacombs (2008)

Catacombs is another direct-to-DVD horror flick from (surprise, surprise) Lionsgate that stars Shannyn Sossamon as American Victoria who visits her sister Carolyn (singer Pink) in Paris. As soon as she gets into the “City of Lights,” Victoria is whisked off by her sister for a round of shopping to get ready for a big party that is going on that night put on by Carolyn’s friends. Despite Victoria’s protests that she is tired and really doesn’t feel much like partying (as her dependence on a little bottle of prescription pills makes evident), her sister Carolyn gets her all gussied up and drags her to the party…which just happens to be underneath Paris, in the famous Catacombs.

The Catacombs are, as Carolyn likes to put it, “Paris’ dark little secret,” where at least 7 million bodies where piled up when churches and cemeteries literally were overflowing with dead bodies. Someone came up with the bright idea to intern the dead beneath the city, and voila! The Catacombs were born. Today, the Catacombs are mostly off limits, though I believe you can still catch a quick glimpse on a short tour. It seems that young people regularly break into the Catacombs to party, as is the case with Carolyn’s friends.
Her friend Jean Michele (Mihai Stanescu) orchestrates these underground raves with great success. The Catacombs have over 300 miles of tunnels, so he never plans a party in the same place, which also helps keep the cops off their tail.

Anywho, despite Victoria’s lamentations about partying in a big ol’ crypt, the party is soon in full swing. Carolyn’s friends begin regaling Victoria with stories about the Catacombs, like the many mysterious disappearances or people who became lost in the many miles of tunnels. They also tell her about a satanic cult that raised the “antichrist” down in the darkness of the Catacombs. The cult purposely turned him into a crazed, killing machine and now he supposedly goes around wearing a skinned goat head and slaughtering people who venture into his domain.

Soon enough, Victoria and her sister run into Mr. Goat Head, and he proceeds to kill Carolyn. Victoria gets away, but only to get back to the party just as the cops arrive to break it up. In the chaos, she knocks her head on a stone wall and is out cold…when she wakes up she finds herself all alone and lost within the Catacombs…but she’s not as alone as she thinks…

Geesh! A satanic serial killer who wears a skinned goat head?? C’mon, you’d think writers/directors Tomm Coker and David Elliot could do better than that…and apparently they thought so too because Mr. Goat Head disappears for the rest of the film (!) in favor of following Victoria and a stinky Frenchman from the party as they wander through the dark catacombs. Ok, watching two people who can’t even communicate (though they still yell at each other in their respective languages – because volume makes things much clearer to understand, oui?) stumble through the unremarkable tunnels (the cool bone monuments the Catacombs are known for are barely shown) isn’t my idea of entertainment, especially since these scenes make up the bulk of the movie. You want tension, suspense or, GASP!, scares with your horror movie?? Look elsewhere because they are all sorely lacking in Catacombs.

To make matters worse, none of the characters where likable or people you could relate with. Victoria is a downer and isn’t even happy to be in Paris!! We are never told why she is so depressed or why she has to keep taking pills, so we are never given a chance to feel sympathetic for her. She just comes off as a whiner and is very poorly written “Final Girl” character. Carolyn is just an uncaring bitch so you’re glad when she is offed early in the film. The rest of the characters don’t matter much and are all pretty much interchangeable.

The actors weren’t given much to work with, so their performances weren’t the best. I absolutely adore Shannyn Sossamon, but her character is unlikable, which makes her performance suffer. The character of Victoria is so weak and poorly written that it is clear the writers have no concept of complex human emotions, personalities or psyches. As mentioned before, the characters are so abysmally one-dimensional that it is hard for the actors to give decent performances. All of the actors come off bland and unremarkable. As for Pink, she plays the bossy, bitchy sister okay, but her and Sossamon have absolutely no chemistry and were not at all believable as sisters.

On the technical side, the film is shot like a music video for the ADD generation. There are lots of quick cuts, lots of strobe lighting effects, blue/red hues and rapid-fire editing. The shots of the rave, with its choppy cuts mixed with the disorienting flashing lights, gets really annoying after the first five seconds. The flashbacks to the satanic cult (complete with goat heads, long fingernails, black robes, a bloody birth, etc.) looked like a low-grade Cradle of Filth video. What works in music videos certainly doesn’t work in film, though. The quick cuts and editing just come off as amateurish and annoying. Amateur hour continues with scenes that go on far too long, like the opening scene with a random girl running down countless tunnels and the scenes of Victoria wandering through the Catacombs.

Speaking of the girl from the opening, no mention of her is ever made again…which seems to happen a lot to characters in this movie. Characters crop up, but then they are discarded or forgotten about, like the main serial killer!! That should give you an idea about the disjointed nature of the film. The story feels like it was written by two 15 year olds and doesn’t take the time to build up characters or establish a solid mythology (but it also lacks the gore and nudity most 15-year-old boys would put in a horror flick…). It’s just a messy, boring mess of a film that happens to have a cool setting. Oh, and let’s not forget about the “twist” ending…(sigh!)

If you are interested in learning more about the Catacombs in Paris, rent a documentary, read a book or watch some videos online…because despite the fact that the only thing going for this movie is the setting, Catacombs does no justice to the real thing. In fact, it does no justice to the horror genre, either.

Available from Amazon!

Killer Pad (2008)

I was highly anticipating the release of Killer Pad, as it marked the return of Robert Englund to directing (after 1989′s 976-EVIL). After being a horror icon (as Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street films, as well as roles in many other horror films) for so long, I was really interested to see what Englund would do with Killer Pad. It seemed like a fun premise with a bunch of dumb, partying 20-somethings stuck in an evil house…it kinda sounded like Bachelor Party crossed with Night of the Demons.

Wicked cool, right?

Sadly…no. Instead of wicked cool, I got wretchedly abysmal, and that is being far too kind.

Three best friends (Shane McRae, Eric Jungmann, Daniel Franzese) move out to California after coming into some money from their pet bulldog’s botched grooming attempt. They can finally move out of their parent’s houses at 23 and decide to drive cross-country to California to make sure they get as far away from them as possible!! Or something to do with meeting hot chicks, I guess…Anyway, a tranny realtor (Bobby Lee from Mad TV) hooks them up with…you guessed it…a KILLER PAD! It’s a cozy mansion tucked away in the Hollywood Hills, perfect for our trio of bachelors who take the time to neatly decorate the place with tasteful (and color-matching) home furnishings! There is a tiny problem though…their house sits on the portal to hell and all kinds of satanic activity starts occurring. No matter, because our clueless guys blame all the weird things happening (hmmm…goat bones, poltergeist activity and a hound of hell in the basement) on squatters! Of course! The homeless have been coming into their home, re-arranging their furniture and making pentagrams out of beer cans! It makes perfect sense!! Anyways, they soon meet the three hotties (Emily Foxler, Corri English, Noureen DeWulf) next door who are a bit more devilish than what they seem (never would have seen THAT coming). The girls insist that the boys throw a party with faux rap group Demon Seed performing. The boys easily cave and decide to use their killer pad to throw the most wicked party ever (even Joey Lawrence…yep, that Joey Lawrence of Blossom fame, shows up)…until Satan the hermaphrodite (yep, you read that right) crashes it and people start getting killed!

This movie was written so poorly it makes the writers of the bottom-of-the-barrel comedies Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans seem alright in comparison. Writer Dan Stoller (whose only credit is Killer Pad) fails us not in just one genre, but in two. Killer Pad is neither an effective horror movie nor an effective comedy. There are no scares, no gore and the “jokes” feel like they are trying to rip off the lowly Dude, Where’s My Car or the newer, lamer National Lampoons that seem to be released every other week. Not once did I laugh during Killer Pad (this is no exaggeration; nary a “tee hee” escaped my lips). The jokes were achingly pathetic and mainly revolved around the naivety and stupidity of the main characters.

Don’t even get me started on the embarrassing characters! These cardboard cut-outs were just plain dumb, but not in an endearing kind of way. Their characters just sucked. All they did the entire movie was stand there and smile while making the most annoying and asinine assumptions known to man. Their comments made conversations with frat boys who’ve been on a drinking binge for 24 hours straight seem more intelligent.

The acting surely didn’t help the film, with both the three guys and the three girls coming off completely flat and annoying. Who cares about their names when they all played the same dumb character and were completely interchangeable?

This is supposed to be a horror comedy about a house party gone horrible wrong…but there is no gore and no nudity to save it from its poor story, characters and acting. Most of the time, it doesn’t even feel like a horror movie, but a brainless, vapid buddy flick (and at times, a gay pr0no). I’m not saying a horror film needs gore or nudity to be effective, but I think it may have made my suffering through this useless piece of tripe a little more bearable.

Robert Englund should be ashamed to have his name attached to Killer Pad, as it has no redeeming qualities. I can’t believe that he agreed to direct this piece of rubbish. I wish this film would have forever languished on Lionsgate’s shelves instead of being released, but now I can just hope it burns in hell…or sits collecting dust in the Wal-mart bargain bin.

Just know that YOU will be in hell if you decide to make yourself suffer through this tedious and dull movie.

Available from Amazon!

Sheitan (2006)

I was just bombarded with the strange and disturbing Sheitan, a horror film from France directed by Kim Chapiron and written by Kim and Christian Chapiron. Sheitan is a shocking, disturbing and crazy film that features some of the oddest and unsettling characters this side of a David Lynch film.

A group of twentysomethings meet the seemingly sweet and innocent Eve (Roxane Mesquida) at a club on Christmas Eve. Eve invites them back to her run-down farmhouse in the French countryside, where her parents are out of town. Once there, they meet the strange housekeeper, Joseph (Vincent Cassel). He and the rest of the countryfolk there seem slightly…off. The kids slowly start to ask themselves, just what is wrong with everyone? Then, one by one, the club kids fall victim to Joseph’s plan, one that involves his pregnant “wife,” their unborn baby and Sheitan, the devil himself.

Sheitan is a very uncomfortable movie to watch. It’s not that it’s a gory or gross-out movie (though the film has its share of gross-outs…how ‘bout that birthing scene?), but that the characters are just so strange and everything feels off-kilter. Joseph spends the entire film leering maniacally, while Eve always seems to be hiding something behind her big, seductive doe eyes. The townsfolk the kids run into are equally weird, giggling amongst themselves at the kids’ expense while “playing” rape in the hot springs (never mind that they are all related). There’s also plenty of nasty violence, incest, sex and devil worship to shock and satiate even the most jaded of viewers.

Though the kids that follow Eve out to the French countryside aren’t all that likable (the guys just want to get laid, they fight amongst each other over girls, one of them is cheating on his girlfriend, and the lone female of the group doesn’t really have a personality) you still feel uneasy for them when things begin to get awkward. When the shit really hits the fan, you’re in a panic, just like the characters. Also like the characters, we as an audience are never quite sure what is going on, but the tension and unease keeps mounting until the disturbing finale.

The acting is exceptionally well-done, especially by Vincent Cassel playing the creepy Joseph, who repeatedly steals the show. His lascivious performance made me feel like I needed a scalding shower after watching Sheitan, but I just couldn’t take my eyes off of him! The other actors did a great job as well, including Roxane Mesquida as Eve and Olivier Bartelemy, Nicolas Le Phat Tan, Leila Bekhti, and Ladj Ly as the club kids in for a hellish holiday!

The only complaint some genre fans might have is that it takes quite a while for something to truly “happen.” During that time, though, I defy you not to be creeped out by Vincent Cassel’s character or the rest of the inbred townsfolk. In my opinion, the film makes up for some slow spots by throwing in some black humor that will have you rolling on the floor when you’re not cringing at the screen!

Sheitan is an absolute nutjob, but I loved every dirty second of it. Its disturbing story, creepy location and, most of all, oddball characters make Sheitan a must-see. While it sounds like a run-of-the-mill slasher (a bunch of horny, attractive kids stuck in isolation somewhere are tracked down by a psycho killer), I assure you it is anything but standard fare. Sheitan will leave you dizzy with disturbance.

Available from Amazon!

The Convent (2000)

The Convent is a raucous, ridiculous and fun film directed by Mike Mendez before he did The Gravedancers. Fans of gory horror films that feature a prominent vein of goofy comedy are sure to love The Convent.

It’s 1959, and a Catholic school girl, named Christine, approaches a convent with a leather jacket slouched over her shoulders, a cigarette dangling from her mouth, big sunglasses on, a barrel of gasoline and a bag of weapons, all to the sounds of “You Don’t Own Me.” She enters the convent and proceeds to beat the nuns and priest inside with a baseball bat before lighting them on fire and gunning them down. The whole place soon goes up in flames and the story becomes local legend…

Forty years later, the convent is abandoned and is said to still be haunted by the nuns and priest. Rumor has it that Christine went bonkers after the nuns forced her to have an abortion. Christine was locked up in a mental institution for a number of years, but now she resides in town, living as a recluse.

A group of college kids go looking for a little excitement at the convent, but soon get kicked out by two cops (Bill Mosely and Coolio in two memorable cameos!), all except for Goth chick Mo, that is. She is snatched up by the local satanic cult as a virginal sacrifice. Things go kablooey and the demons are mistakenly set loose by the bumbling Satanists.

When the rest of the college kids begrudgingly return to look for Mo, they are attacked by the demons and they themselves are turned into demons. The demons don the nuns’ and priest’s clothes and are intent on bringing forth the Antichrist. One of the few survivors, Clorissa, escapes to find Christine (the adult Christine is played by the kick ass Adrienne Barbeau) to see if she can again stop the nuns. Turns out Christine killed the nuns and priest not because of a clandestine abortion, but because they were demons who wanted her unborn baby to turn into the Antichrist! The demons have returned to try and finish the ritual that they started, this time with Clorissa’s geeky and virginal brother. Can Christine save the day…again?!

Director Mike Mendez really packed this movie chock-full of his love for cheesy, over-the-top ‘80s horror films like Night of the Demons, Evil Dead and Demons. His exuberance and excitement for the genre is apparent and contagious!! If anything, this movie will make you appreciate the giddiness Mendez has for the genre and hopefully you’ll start feeling equally giddy!

This is a movie that never takes itself seriously and has fun emulating horror films from the past. It winks at the audience while paying homage to ‘80s horror and creating a wholeheartedly entertaining flick. From the stereotypical characters (jock, stoner, rich boy, horny couple, geek, Goth, Final Girl, Satanists, etc.) to its over-the-top gore (decapitations, head squishings/explosions, stabbings, shootings etc.), The Convent is a real throwback film.

It also helps that the script, written by Chaton Anderson, is downright hilarious! And not with that subtle, self-effacing, satirical humor so popular nowadays, either! No, the one-liners are packed full of cheesy, corny goodness, like something straight outta the 80s!

The special effects are worth mentioning as well, as the demonic nuns ooze florescent-colored blood (quite a clever way of getting around the MPAA rating board; this movie got away with a PG rating). The gore is never hardcore or realistic, but it’s never meant to be that way. Instead, it functions as mostly comedic and over-the-top, but that’s exactly what Mendez was going for.

Adrienne Barbeau (The Fog, Creepshow) is perfectly cast as the adult, tough-as-nails Christine. Her whisky-drinking, chain-smoking, Harley-riding, gun-toting and otherwise larger-than-life demeanor fits beautifully in the action-packed film. It is also a pleasure to see Bill Mosley (House of 1,000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects) in a small cameo as a dope-smoking cop along with Coolio. The rest of the cast gives pretty cheesy performances, but that’s the whole point, isn’t it?

If you’re in the mood for a fun film that reflects the energy and enthusiasm of 80’s horror movies, look no further than The Convent.

Available on Amazon!