Book Review: Grave Humor by M.T. Coffin

I love frequenting cemeteries. They are so peaceful, so beautiful and so…funny? If you’ve ever taken the time to read headstones, you know exactly what I mean. There are some pretty amusing epitaphs and unfortunate names that grace the tombstones of cemeteries out there. And now you don’t even have to step foot in a cemetery to get a good laugh out of them!

The new book Grave Humor: A Photo Tour of Funny, Ironic and Ridiculous Tombstones by M.T. Coffin is a creepy-cute book that will tickle your funny bone! It’ll delight you with its witty jokes, quirky gothic illustrations and funny photos!

Check out the official description:

People act like being dead is so serious.

But if you’ve spent any time in a cemetery, you know a lot of those dearly departed have to be rolling over in their graves – with laughter. This collection of ironic, comic and just plain ridiculous tombstones proves that it’s possible to have a sense of humor about kicking the bucket. Just be careful you don’t laugh yourself to death.

Who says death is a serious subject? From amusing epitaphs (“I knew this would happen”) to comical burials (the Maxwell-House plot), this irreverent anthology of cemetery humor proves there is humor even in death. This book celebrates the lighter side of death through photos capturing amusing and ironic monuments to the dearly departed.

Sections include: “The Last Laugh: Funny Epitaphs”; “True to Form: Snapshots of Humorous and Oddly Designed Headstones”; “Dumm and Dummer: Rib-Tickling Eternal Pairings”; and “Die Laughing: Monuments to Utterly Unfortunate Names”. Readers will get even more laughs from the irreverent captions and illustrations.

This book is perfect for the morbidly inclined, taphophiles, goths, or those that like to poke a little fun at Death. I also think it’s a perfect book to purchase for Halloween! Grave Humor’s bold, eye-catching design will certainly make for a conversation starter among guests…just make sure they don’t die of laughter!

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The Premature Burial (1962)

The Premature Burial is the only Roger Corman film based on an Edgar Allen Poe story that does not feature Vincent Price in the lead role. Before principal photography started, Corman had a spat with American International Pictures, the studios responsible for the rest of Corman’s Poe pictures. Corman decided to take The Premature Burial to another studio, but because Price was in an exclusive contract with AIP, the lead went instead to Ray Milland. Before filming began, though, AIP re-acquired the production.

The Premature Burial is certainly not the best film from Corman’s Poe period, but that is definitely not due to Milland replacing Price. The story itself seems stuffy and dragged out, and not even the stunning gothic visuals can save it.

The film tells the tale of wealthy Guy Carrell (Ray Milland), a man obsessed with his fear of being buried alive. He is convinced that his father suffered from catalepsy (a catatonic-like state where one appears dead and has no reaction to stimuli, but in actuality is still alive) and was buried alive. Furthermore, he believes catalepsy runs in the family and that he will end up just like his father. His sweetheart, Emily Gault (Hazel Court), convinces Guy to marry her even though he suffers from these peculiarities and his sister, Kate (Heather Angel), disapproves of Emily.

For a while, Guy appears okay until strange circumstances surrounding his mansion force him to face his old phobia. He then constructs an elaborate mausoleum with enough bells and whistles to allow him to escape and alert people should he be interned while still alive. Emily and her doctor friend, Miles Archer (Richard Ney) convince Guy that his behavior isn’t healthy and make him destroy the tricked-out mausoleum. Soon after, Guy suffers a heart attack after a distressing discovery…is he really dead or will he be buried alive?

As stated above, The Premature Burial is definitely not the best Roger Corman had to offer during his Poe period of filmmaking. Overall, it’s a bit drab and boring compared with his other films like The Masque of the Red Death. The story doesn’t capture the terror of Poe’s original story and even devolves into silliness most of the time.

The best part of the film certainly involved the unveiling of Guy’s fool-proof mausoleum. Should he be buried alive, the crypt featured a collapsible coffin, a way to unlock the front door, a rope ladder up to the roof, a large bell to alert others of his presence, food, alcohol and even poison as a last resort! This was definitely a pimped out palace of the dead! The rest of the film just dragged, though, and the “reveal” ending really made no sense, especially since there was absolutely no mention or even suggestion of it throughout the rest of the film. The last few minutes felt very tacked on and unnecessary.

As for the actors, they did a commendable job moving through the stiff story. Ray Milland is certainly no Vincent Price, but he played a wonderful Guy and really made his phobia believable. Hazel Court, a regular in Corman’s flicks, also did a good job as the concerned wife Emily, even if the script gave her little to do but run after her husband and nag at him all the time.

The atmosphere of fog-shrouded cemeteries, eerie woods and a stuffy mansion was wonderful, but just wasn’t enough to support the entire film. Though I loved the scenes in the graveyard, in the woods and in the crypt, the gothic visuals just weren’t enough to make The Premature Burial a film worth watching again.
The Premature Burial certainly isn’t a horrible film, but it doesn’t have the same heart and spirit that many other Corman flicks from his Poe heyday have. You’ll find yourself wishing that the movie would prematurely end if you find yourself watching it!

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I Sell the Dead (2009)

I have always loved the evocative atmosphere of old horror films. You know the ones – they always seem to feature fog-shrouded cemeteries, an ominous score, stark trees silhouetted against an October moon and just a deliciously macabre feel to them. So when I heard about I Sell the Dead, a film that promised the same kind of spooky atmosphere combined with a morbid buddy comedy, I was definitely eager to see it.

The tongue-in-cheek horror comedy definitely lived up to my expectations, even surpassing them at times. Not only is the romantically macabre atmosphere of old horror films perfectly captured, but the story is gleefully unique with a good heaping of gallows humor thrown in for good measure!

The film is told in flashback form, but opens in the present 1800’s Ireland with convicted grave robber Willy Grimes (Larry Fessenden) meeting an unkindly end at the guillotine. His partner, Arthur Blake (Dominic Monaghan), is awaiting a similar fate when he is visited by Father Duffy (Ron Perlman), a rather odd priest who seems to take unusual delight in hearing all about Blake and Grime’s misdeeds. For five hours before his scheduled execution, Blake recounts how he fell into the corpse snatching business with Grimes, their ghoulish client Dr. Vernon Quint (Angus Scrimm) who always needed fresh corpses for his mysterious experiments, the many unusual “undead” things he and Grimes were paid to dig up and their unfortunate run-ins with the House of Murphy, a rival grave robbing gang.

I Sell the Dead is no doubt one of the best horror films I’ve seen all year! I really think 19^th century Ireland, with its bawdy bars, decrepit old cemeteries, moon-lit back alleys, desolated moors and strange isles populated by the undead, was the perfect setting for the film. It definitely captured that old Hammer horror atmosphere, giving the film a nostalgic feel. What’s even more amazing is because of a small budget the movie was filmed in New York! When there wasn’t enough money to construct elaborate sets, existing locations were used (such as for the pub used in the film) and backgrounds and such were added in by computer effects and mixed art media like photography, painting and illustration. Yet, when you watch the film, it is absolutely seamless!

Besides the nostalgic look of the film, the story, written by Glenn McQuaid (who also directed) is also absolutely delightful. As I watched the story unfold, I was just as gleeful as a kid on Christmas morning! When was the last time you saw a film that made you want to crow its praises from rooftops? Besides the fact that the story keeps popping up with surprises as to what Grimes and Blake would dig up next, the whole repartee between Grimes and Blake reminded me of Abbott and Costello-style shenanigans. There is some slapstick, but most of it is witty banter. Even the dialogue between other characters, especially Blake and Father Duffy, is very playful. The whole story has this irreverent, imaginative feel to it, but it is not without its moments of horror. Though the undead they encounter are more cartoonish than serious, there are several nice jolts throughout the film. I especially enjoyed a discovery of a vampire, though the two main characters had no idea what they had dug up and proceeded to remove the garlic around the undead’s neck as well as removing a stake through her heart. As a result, hilarity and horror ensues. Even the addition of the not-undead-but-still-damn-scary House of Murphy gang was pleasurable and added another dimension to an already colorful film!

The characters are fancifully drawn, with even the lesser characters being fully fleshed out. Besides the main characters of Arthur Blake (Dominic Monaghan), Willy Grimes (Larry Fessenden) and Father Duffy (Ron Perlman), I loved the menacing members of the House of Murphy, including Cornelius Murphy (John Speredakos) with his grim childhood at the hands of the cruel Murphy senior, Valentine Kelly (Heather Bullock) whose face was so disfigured by a fire that she now wears a blank, white mask that she only removes when she is about to kill someone and Bulger (Alisdair Stewart) whose toothy maw is full of razor-sharp dog teeth. Then, of course, is the sinister Dr. Quint (Angus Scrimm), who keeps demanding more and more bodies from Grimes and Blake and corpulent barkeep Ronnie (Joel Garland), among the many memorable faces! Plus, all of the actors delivered stellar performances. I have to make special mention of Daniel Manche, who played the young Arthur Blake! Hats off to the rest of the excellent cast, including a rather gleeful performance from the “Tall Man” himself, Angus Scrimm!

I really cannot speak highly enough of I Sell the Dead. It is a whimsically macabre film that will delight and entertain all horror fans. So far, I Sell the Dead is one of my favorite films from 2009!

Available from Amazon!

Frightmare (1983)

Not to be confused with the 1974 English cannibal film of the same name, Frightmare (aka The Horror Star) is the story of recently deceased horror veteran Conrad Radzoff (Ferdinand Mayne) who claims that death will be his best performance yet! The night after he is entombed into his specially constructed mausoleum (complete with a blinking neon star), a group of drama students break into the crypt and decide to take old Conrad back to their place for some partying! After a creepy dinner with the diners all wearing masks, they each take turns dancing with the corpse and one girl even goes to far as to smooch him! They put Conrad back into his coffin, but are too tuckered out to take him back to his final resting place, so they just put him in their attic and call it a night.

The next morning the cops discover Conrad is missing from the mausoleum and his widow enlists the help of a psychic medium to find out where he is. Turns out he’s in hell, but is hellbent on returning and getting revenge on the young whippersnappers that disturbed his slumber. His widow heartily agrees, saying, “Burn them! Burn them! BURN THEM!”

Having been summoned, Conrad rises from the dead and stalks the kids in the house, killing them one by one.

What is so interesting about Frightmare is that it tries to bridge the gap from Gothic-tinged Hammer horror (think fog-shrouded cemeteries, genteel-looking old men in Dracula capes, damsels in distress) with the kids-being-stalked-by-an-unstoppable-killer slasher formula. I liked the “classic horror” atmosphere of the film, but the slasher aspect felt a bit off. The story had some holes (a cop, who looks more like a mafia don, keeps popping up but doesn’t add anything to the story), pacing problems, awful dialogue (“We did something BAD!”) and the kills left a lot to be desired. Even though the result is a mixed bag, this seemingly strange combination of old and new horror styles makes Frightmare worth a look anyway.

The film was written and directed by Norman Thaddeus Vane and one good thing about his script is that he spent more time developing the character of Conrad Ragzoff than he did the kids’ characters. I felt much more empathy for Conrad than I did any of the annoying college kids, who exist mostly to get picked off. Conrad is one of the best things about the film, and the character is obviously an homage to Christopher Lee. Actor Ferdinand Mayne even resembles Lee and has the same kind of aristocratic air as he does.

Speaking of Mayne, he was truly a joy to watch in this role, especially in the opening scenes when he is still alive and in the videos he leaves behind for the funeral and those that appear to greet visitors to his crypt. Another actor to note in the film is Jeffrey Combs, who plays one of the clueless kids in one of his earlier roles. Most of the actors who play the college drama students don’t have much to do, but they all do a pretty good job of playing stupid and dying horribly. Even the “Final Girl”, just sits around and whimpers and only survives because she faints dead away at the sight of the resurrected Conrad.

As for the deaths, Conrad kills most of the kids with telekinetic powers rather than with his bare hands. One girl spontaneously combusts into a fireball, another girl gets squashed by a flying coffin, a guy gets locked in Conrad’s crypt as it fills with poisonous gas, another guy gets decapitated by a flying sword, and so on. The only “hands-on” deaths occur when a guy gets his tongue/jaw ripped out and then strangled, a woman gets her mouth stuffed with a wad of cash and another guy gets stuffed into a coffin and burnt alive in the crematorium. It was disappointing that the deaths weren’t at all gory (especially since at least half of the film was trying for that slasher vibe), but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. Instead, the film treated the deaths in the more restrained, classic horror tradition instead of going all-out like a slasher flick.

Still, there are some pretty silly scenes throughout the film besides the previously mentioned death scenes. One was the partying scene where the kids pass around Conrad’s corpse like he’s a party favor, which is so disturbing it borders on ludicrous! Another more “laugh-out-loud” scene is the over-the-top séance scene where Conrad’s widow and psychic medium are trying to contact the dead Conrad. The ladies put on such hysterical performances here that I dare you not to laugh! The film also features some god-awful music and sound effects that sound just like one of those cheap Halloween party CD’s, complete with howling and growling.

Frightmare has a lot of issues and I think it would have a lot of problems connecting with horror fans today. Still, it is an interesting little movie that tries to combine old-school horror with the slasher formula. Sometimes it doesn’t succeed, but it is still interesting enough to check out, especially if you love Gothic-tinged horror movies. Though Frightmare isn’t a “must-see” for all horror fans, those that appreciate both the old and new aspects of horror filmmaking may just find themselves enjoying it like I did!

Buy it on Amazon!

Cannibal Flesh Riot! (2007)

Gris Grimly is well-known as an artist of the macabre, lending his creepy creativeness to gothic tales like Edgar Allan Poe’s Tales of Mystery and Madness and Edgar Allen Poe’s Tales of Death and Dementia, The Dangerous Alphabet, Boris and Bella and many, many more books. His art is striking, immediately recognizable and gruesomely gorgeous for fans with an inkling for the darker side of life.

Now Gris Grimly has taken on another medium – film. His 34 minute short film Cannibal Flesh Riot!, which he wrote, directed and produced, is just as much a fiendish feast for the eyes as his artwork is. Cannibal Flesh Riot! is a love letter from Grimly to old, black and white horror films and will have you falling in love all over again with Grimly.

After a very charming introduction by Gris Grimly himself explaining exactly what “ghouls” are (they are definitely different from your standard zombie or vampire), the film opens with a police investigation of a very unusual illegal exhumation at the local cemetery. The lieutenant (played by fellow amazing artist D.W. Frydendall) is baffled as to why there a fresh corpse exhumed from his grave and left above ground while his final resting place has been filled in with dirt again…just who or WHAT is buried in the dead man’s place?

We then cut back to the previous night, where we meet lanky Stash and hunchbacked Hub. Stash and Hub are centuries-old ghouls who eat the flesh of the dead…but they prefer fresh meat, so they are on the prowl for a freshly interned corpse. As they stalk through the cemetery they discuss important topics such as how to properly season a corpse, the plethora of condiments (relish is “pickle vomit” according to Stash), how to deal with nosy authorities and why humans dress up their food to make it look like people in order to make it appetizing (like the California Raisins or the McDonald’s characters).

As the ghouls start digging up a grave for their dinner, they get a very unexpected and unwelcome surprise…

Cannibal Flesh Riot! evokes the feel of our beloved, black and white B-horror movies. It is filmed in grainy black and white with added scratches and dirt that really adds to the creeptastic atmosphere. There are even moments when stop-motion animation is used and within this film it works extremely well, only adding to the overall, old-school horror feel of Cannibal Flesh Riot!

The look of the film is a mix between Tim Burton visuals and old gothic horror films. Some scenes are even reminiscent of German expressionist films, complete with exaggerated and askew angles. The film also feels like old horror TV shows like The Vampira Show with bats on strings flying across the screen. The cemetery, with its crumbling, crooked headstones is just pure gothic horror goodness!

The story, written by Grimly, is extremely engaging and you get quite connected to the characters of Stash and Hub. It’s towards the end that you remember that these two ghouls are bloodthirsty villains out for dead human flesh! Even then, I was still rooting for them! I loved the witty banter between them and the characters themselves are quirky and endlessly entertaining. Grimly’s story (along with the visuals) just put a big smile on my face throughout the entire film!

David Backus as Stash and Dustin Loreque as Hub are just fantastic as the ghouls. I couldn’t imagine anyone else playing the two characters. They both give rabble-rousing performances that really make the film. Without their amazing acting some of the dialogue could have come off sounding too over-the-top and campy, but Backus and Loreque fully immerse themselves in their characters and make their dialogue believable and entertaining!

The special effects used were also pretty cool…the last sequence when Stash and Hub are “surprised” by something is filmed entirely in stop-motion, but it is damn impressive! It reminded me of Ray Harryhausen’s stop-motion effects on Jason and the Argonauts, especially with a scene involving a skeleton! The stop-motion animation is done extremely well and fits perfectly into the atmosphere of the film.

Also adding to the already spooky atmosphere of the film is the amazing score by Hola Ghost. The slowly-building, ominous score really complements the creeping fog, hooting owls and hanging moss of the cemetery. It adds so much to the film and Hola Ghost should really be commended for crafting such a creeping menace of a score!

I just cannot speak highly enough of Cannibal Flesh Riot! After its success, I sincerely hope Gris Grimly will pursue more film projects (his next film project is entitled Gris Grimly’s Wounded Embark of the Lovesick Mind). I know that I can’t wait to re-watch (and re-watch and re-watch) this film, as well as sharing its genius with my friends.

If you are a horror fan that appreciates the classics, it is almost guaranteed that you will adore Cannibal Flesh Riot! as mush as I did! Cannibal Flesh Riot! is like horror film comfort food…it is familiar, satisfying and you’ll come back to it for seconds (and thirds…and fourths…)!

Just hold the relish, please…

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One Dark Night (1983)

The 80’s was a grand time for horror movies and it sees like you can always find a hidden gem no matter how many horror movies you’ve already seen. One such hidden gem is 1983’s One Dark Night (aka Dark Night aka Entity Force aka Mausoleum aka Night in the Crypt aka Night of Darkness aka Rest in Peace). It may not be a perfect horror movie, but it is one fun flick that will no doubt entertain!

High school student Julie (Meg Tilly) has always wanted to be one of the Sisters, an ultra-cool clique of girls that sports snazzy satin jackets and go around sneering at people. Problem is, Julie is dating jock Steve (David Mason Daniels), who just happens to be the ex of Carol (Robin Evans), the leader of the Sisters. To get back at Julie, Carol devises one last initiation for her…one where she must spent the entire night locked in a mausoleum.

Carol and her two Sisters Kitty (Leslie Speights) and Leslie (the cutie-patootie E.G. Daily!) fully expect Julie to back out once their plan is revealed, but Julie is determined to prove herself and accepts the challenge, even when boyfriend Steve tries to dissuade her from joining the silly clique. Julie is dropped off at the mausoleum and locked in, given only a sleeping bag, a flashlight and a “sleeping” pill to keep her company while the other girls drive off to plan other hijinks for later in the evening.

What the girls don’t know is that the famous psychic Raymar was interned in the mausoleum earlier that day. He died of unknown causes and was found dead, along with a group of equally dead young women, in an apartment that looked like a war zone. Silverware and plates were embedded in the walls and much of the furniture was smashed. According to some, Raymar was a “psychic vampire” and could drain the life energy from people. He is now entombed in a crypt, but can still use his psychic powers to terrorize, including moving corpses (and other objects, including busting out of his coffin) with his mind.

Meanwhile, Raymar’s estranged daughter Olivia (Melissa Newman) is discovering the truth about the father she never knew as well as her own psychic powers, much to the chagrin of her husband (played by Adam West! Yes, THAT Adam West!).

When Raymar unleashes his electromagnetic powers, Julie, as well as Carol and Kitty who have snuck into the mausoleum to spook her, are terrorized by Raymar as he tries to scare them with moving corpses so he can drain their tasty, tasty life force. Will anyone live through One Dark Night?

This gem follows the familiar pattern of 80’s horror that involved initiations (Hell Night, anyone?), but just because the formula is familiar doesn’t make this flick any less fun! From the cheesy dialogue to the atrocious fashions to the creepy corpses and spooky location, One Dark Night is a crowd-pleasing movie.

The story, written by Michael Hawes and Tom McLoughlin (who also directed), is surprisingly original. There aren’t many horror films that tell tales of psychic vampires, but this one tells it rather well (despite the cheesy instances of lightening bolts shooting out of Raymar’s eyes)! Also, I enjoyed the subplot of Raymar’s daughter Olivia and her discover of her father’s (and her own) powers. While at times it felt a little tacked on, overall it worked with the film and helped make things more interesting.

The acting wasn’t anything spectacular, but Meg Tilly was great as the determined Julie and the bitch Sisters were a hoot (except what was up with Kitty and her always chomping on a toothbrush??). It was also fun to see Adam West play Olivia’s straight-laced and stodgy husband.

The special effects on the corpses were extremely well done and the corpses looked amazing! The corpses here shouldn’t be mistaken with the “undead” or zombies, as they were just dead bodies that Raymar would control and move with his mind. So instead of walking, the corpses hovered a few inches off the floor, which was pretty damn creepy if you ask me. Also, there wasn’t any bloody gore to speak of, just raggedy old flesh and tons of maggots and worms! My favorite little snippet was when one of the girls was being suffocated by several corpses and she put her foot through the stomach of one of them. Maggots proceeded to spill out! Needless to say, it was wicked cool!

One Dark Night isn’t perfect, though, and some will find the dialogue a bit lacking and there are a few scenes that drag on forever. Did we really need a full-fledged tour of the mausoleum as Julie slowly walks through it?. Every hallway looked the same anyway! The ending and the subplot involving Olivia both felt a bit too convenient at times as well. If you want to get nit-picky, there were also some plot holes and characters that didn’t get developed. Despite these flaws, though, One Dark Night was entirely enjoyable and I didn’t get hung up on any of the negatives of the film.

There are few 80’s movies that can take you back to being a kid again, just kicking it in front of a late-night horror movie on TV, but One Dark Night is one that brings the joyful feeling back. This movie isn’t perfect and isn’t a horror masterpiece, but there’s just something about it that recalls the awesomeness of 80’s horror and just the love of horror in general.

If you haven’t checked it out yet, I highly recommend you do some for nostalgic terror! Just a tip, though, don’t watch the “Alternative Director’s Cut” unless you’ve already seen the theatrical cut. The director’s cut is very rough and utilized work prints that don’t feature sound. You definitely won’t have fun when you’re sitting there frustrated because you can’t hear what’s going on!

Available on Amazon!

The Iron Rose (1973)

Though the French filmmaker Jean Rollin might be known to the casual cinephile more for his erotic vampire films, his little-known 1973 film The Iron Rose (La Rose de Fer) is instead a very surreal, macabre and poetic film that addresses Rollins’ penchant for darkly introspective films. The Iron Rose definitely appealed to my gothic sensibilities, but its slow pace and focus on visuals instead of plot it won’t appeal to everyone.

A young couple decides to explore an old cemetery after a long day of bicycling through the French countryside. The two just met at a wedding reception the night before but waste no time in descending into a crypt for some hanky-panky. When the come up for air, they realize that night has fallen. In the dark, the cemetery becomes a very foreboding place and the two quickly search out the gates to get out. The thing is, they just can’t find them! As the night continues, the two keep searching for a way out; all the while the woman becomes more and more comfortable with being with the dead in the cemetery.

With its setting in a ramshackle and romantic (ok, most would call it creepy) cemetery, The Iron Rose is requisite viewing for those that revel in the darker and more macabre side of life. Its gothic atmosphere (wildly overgrown cemetery, crumbling architecture) and striking visuals (the opening scene of a woman in red standing at the edge of a roaring sea, the eerie shots of the cemetery) are a tribute to Rollins’ talent as a filmmaker and are the reason why the film succeeds.

The film has little dialogue and not much of a story (“lovers get stuck in a cemetery at night, get spooked, go a little batty” just about covers it), instead relying upon atmosphere, ambiance and emotion to draw the audience in (of course, beautiful actress Francoise Pascal probably doesn’t hurt either). The film is bathed in gothic atmosphere and aches with angst. There are no spooks, no psychos and no monsters stalking the young couple…just the hundreds of dead surrounding them, reminding them of their own mortality.

On the down side, the film is slowly (but deliberately!) paced with not much happening. The couple runs around a lot, knocks over a few headstones, gets into a violent fight, makes love in an open grave filled with bones and the woman begins reciting some darkly themed poetry and philosophy. If you are looking for a straightforward, gory horror film, The Iron Rose isn’t for you. The thing is, though, the slightly repetitive nature of the film works in its favor. We, like the protagonists, feel like we are trapped in a surreal nightmare that we just can’t escape. For some of us, including the female protagonist, this dark atmosphere is beguiling, bewitching and we don’t want to leave it.

More of an art film than a horror movie, The Iron Rose is nonetheless a beautifully enchanting piece of work that deserves to be more widely seen. It also shows what a lyrically visual filmmaker Rollins’ was and continued to be throughout his career.

If you are in the mood for an artistically gothic film, no other rose would smell as sweet as The Iron Rose.

Available from Amazon!

Catacombs (2008)

Catacombs is another direct-to-DVD horror flick from (surprise, surprise) Lionsgate that stars Shannyn Sossamon as American Victoria who visits her sister Carolyn (singer Pink) in Paris. As soon as she gets into the “City of Lights,” Victoria is whisked off by her sister for a round of shopping to get ready for a big party that is going on that night put on by Carolyn’s friends. Despite Victoria’s protests that she is tired and really doesn’t feel much like partying (as her dependence on a little bottle of prescription pills makes evident), her sister Carolyn gets her all gussied up and drags her to the party…which just happens to be underneath Paris, in the famous Catacombs.

The Catacombs are, as Carolyn likes to put it, “Paris’ dark little secret,” where at least 7 million bodies where piled up when churches and cemeteries literally were overflowing with dead bodies. Someone came up with the bright idea to intern the dead beneath the city, and voila! The Catacombs were born. Today, the Catacombs are mostly off limits, though I believe you can still catch a quick glimpse on a short tour. It seems that young people regularly break into the Catacombs to party, as is the case with Carolyn’s friends.
Her friend Jean Michele (Mihai Stanescu) orchestrates these underground raves with great success. The Catacombs have over 300 miles of tunnels, so he never plans a party in the same place, which also helps keep the cops off their tail.

Anywho, despite Victoria’s lamentations about partying in a big ol’ crypt, the party is soon in full swing. Carolyn’s friends begin regaling Victoria with stories about the Catacombs, like the many mysterious disappearances or people who became lost in the many miles of tunnels. They also tell her about a satanic cult that raised the “antichrist” down in the darkness of the Catacombs. The cult purposely turned him into a crazed, killing machine and now he supposedly goes around wearing a skinned goat head and slaughtering people who venture into his domain.

Soon enough, Victoria and her sister run into Mr. Goat Head, and he proceeds to kill Carolyn. Victoria gets away, but only to get back to the party just as the cops arrive to break it up. In the chaos, she knocks her head on a stone wall and is out cold…when she wakes up she finds herself all alone and lost within the Catacombs…but she’s not as alone as she thinks…

Geesh! A satanic serial killer who wears a skinned goat head?? C’mon, you’d think writers/directors Tomm Coker and David Elliot could do better than that…and apparently they thought so too because Mr. Goat Head disappears for the rest of the film (!) in favor of following Victoria and a stinky Frenchman from the party as they wander through the dark catacombs. Ok, watching two people who can’t even communicate (though they still yell at each other in their respective languages – because volume makes things much clearer to understand, oui?) stumble through the unremarkable tunnels (the cool bone monuments the Catacombs are known for are barely shown) isn’t my idea of entertainment, especially since these scenes make up the bulk of the movie. You want tension, suspense or, GASP!, scares with your horror movie?? Look elsewhere because they are all sorely lacking in Catacombs.

To make matters worse, none of the characters where likable or people you could relate with. Victoria is a downer and isn’t even happy to be in Paris!! We are never told why she is so depressed or why she has to keep taking pills, so we are never given a chance to feel sympathetic for her. She just comes off as a whiner and is very poorly written “Final Girl” character. Carolyn is just an uncaring bitch so you’re glad when she is offed early in the film. The rest of the characters don’t matter much and are all pretty much interchangeable.

The actors weren’t given much to work with, so their performances weren’t the best. I absolutely adore Shannyn Sossamon, but her character is unlikable, which makes her performance suffer. The character of Victoria is so weak and poorly written that it is clear the writers have no concept of complex human emotions, personalities or psyches. As mentioned before, the characters are so abysmally one-dimensional that it is hard for the actors to give decent performances. All of the actors come off bland and unremarkable. As for Pink, she plays the bossy, bitchy sister okay, but her and Sossamon have absolutely no chemistry and were not at all believable as sisters.

On the technical side, the film is shot like a music video for the ADD generation. There are lots of quick cuts, lots of strobe lighting effects, blue/red hues and rapid-fire editing. The shots of the rave, with its choppy cuts mixed with the disorienting flashing lights, gets really annoying after the first five seconds. The flashbacks to the satanic cult (complete with goat heads, long fingernails, black robes, a bloody birth, etc.) looked like a low-grade Cradle of Filth video. What works in music videos certainly doesn’t work in film, though. The quick cuts and editing just come off as amateurish and annoying. Amateur hour continues with scenes that go on far too long, like the opening scene with a random girl running down countless tunnels and the scenes of Victoria wandering through the Catacombs.

Speaking of the girl from the opening, no mention of her is ever made again…which seems to happen a lot to characters in this movie. Characters crop up, but then they are discarded or forgotten about, like the main serial killer!! That should give you an idea about the disjointed nature of the film. The story feels like it was written by two 15 year olds and doesn’t take the time to build up characters or establish a solid mythology (but it also lacks the gore and nudity most 15-year-old boys would put in a horror flick…). It’s just a messy, boring mess of a film that happens to have a cool setting. Oh, and let’s not forget about the “twist” ending…(sigh!)

If you are interested in learning more about the Catacombs in Paris, rent a documentary, read a book or watch some videos online…because despite the fact that the only thing going for this movie is the setting, Catacombs does no justice to the real thing. In fact, it does no justice to the horror genre, either.

Available from Amazon!

The Dead One (2007)

Another day, another comic book adaptation to film, eh? Today it is Javier Hernandez’s El Muerto: The Aztec Zombie that has been remade into The Dead One (El Muerto).

As a young boy crossing illegally into the United States, Diego (Darien Dikeos) follows an old Indian (Billy Drago) who makes him give a blood sacrifice to the Aztec gods. Years later, Diego (Wilmer Valderrama) is all grown up and passionate about celebrating the Day of the Dead. He paints his face to look like a skull, puts on his best black mariachi-inspired suit, complete with bone tailoring, and begins driving to the festivities. Problem is, he never gets there. He crashes his car and dies. The Aztec gods have returned to claim their blood sacrifice.

Diego wakes on the Day of the Dead, in his now permanent costume, to find that he’s been dead a whole year. He sees his friends and girlfriend, Maria (Angie Cepeda), praying over his grave in the cemetery. After being lost and confused (for a little too long), he discovers that the Aztec gods have tapped him to help them reclaim power and kill those whose bloodline was responsible for wiping out the Aztec religion.

Through the love of his amor, Maria, and help from his best friend Zak (Joel David Moore), Diego is able to resist the evil and fight against it. Still, people close to Maria and the church where she works continue to die horrible deaths. Can Diego stop the old Aztec evil from bringing about the end of the world or will he succumb to it?

When I originally heard about this film and its mix of Aztec mythology and Mexican folklore, I was really intrigued. It sounded very original and one of the few horror movies that focused on the Latino community. Then I watched it…and while it has some pretty nifty ideas floating around there somewhere, it was all lost on the presentation.

The Dead One falls victim to a slooooowly-moving story line. I appreciate the fact that it dives headlong into the story at the beginning and doesn’t waste time explaining the Day of the Dead to the audience, but from the time Diego comes back, undead, it just halts and we see the same scenes played out a few too many times. Diego looking confused. A bad CGI storm signifying the arrival of the evil Aztec gods. A dewy-eyed Maria, remembering promises of undying love. Diego running and hiding from police, friends, etc. Over and over again, we get these same scenes. Not to mention the anticlimactic fight scene between Diego and an Aztec baddie (funny, Billy Drago doesn’t really look Aztec…).

For a slow moving, repetitive flick, it sure doesn’t explain much. Anyone not familiar with Latin culture, Aztec mythology, Catholicism or Mexican folklore may have a hard time following along. I wasn’t too sure what was going on most of the time. One minute, they are talking about the end of the world and the next the Aztec gods are just planning on reclaiming world dominance. I was a bit fuzzy on the whole Aztec mythology and Diego’s reason for coming back one year after his death. Was he called back because of the love between him and Maria or because the Aztec gods sent him back?

The movie wasn’t all bad, though. Despite its poorly paced and convoluted storyline, the acting was pretty decent. It was a kick to see Billy Drago both as an “old Indian” and in drag and Wilmer Valderrama did a fine job as someone other than “Fez” from That 70’s Show. It also has good performances from familiar faces Michael Parks (Kill Bill), Tony Plana (Ugly Betty), Maria Conchita Alonso and Tony Amendola. This film showcases a very talented Latino cast…if only they had had a better script to work with!

The direction by Brian Cox (no, not the actor) was pretty basic and pedestrian, but still above average for a low-budget film. Still, since this was a comic book adaptation, I expected more KAPOW! and WHAM! action and instead of just dreary interior scenes over and over again. The only real “showdown” scene is at the end and it really is a sad sight for a comic book movie. Cox also wrote the script and shows the same problem…no clue on pacing and he makes it more of a teenybopper love story than one it’s supposed to be, which is a action-packed horror film.

Besides lack of action, there is also a serious lack of horror in the movie. Instead of horror, it really should be classified as drama (or the previously mentioned love story). Besides all the supernatural happenings and the scenes of the laughable Aztec god, there really isn’t anything remotely scary about The Dead One. It’s mostly about the love between Diego and Maria, but, DAMMIT, I wanna be watching a horror movie, not an Oxygen Network flick!

No matter how much I wanted to enjoy The Dead One (El Muerto), it was pretty near impossible not to wish I was six feet under instead of watching this dreary excuse for a horror movie. Still, I did enjoy the acting and it is a great Latino cast. The real fault here is the direction and script, which is a real shame because of the rich foundation laid by Javier Hernandez in his comic book.

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City of the Living Dead (1980)

I picked up City of the Living Dead (aka The Gates of Hell) on my last jaunt to my favorite store, Second Spin. I was convinced I already owned a copy or had at least watched this Fulci flick, but I was delighted to find I had NOT seen it.

City of the Living Dead has pretty much been slammed by critics, much to my chagrin. Why this sweet little supernatural/zombie flick packed to the teeth with gory goodness has been so lambasted is simply beyond me, for I thoroughly enjoyed it.

In the town of Dunwich a priest (Fabrizio Jovine) commits suicide in a cemetery and opens up the gates to hell. Meanwhile, a psychic (Catriona MacColl) has a vision of this priest and the hell on earth that will ensue after his suicide. This psychic seems to die from fright during the séance, but awakens after she’s been buried alive. A newspaper reporter (Christopher George) poking around her grave for a story rescues her. She then convinces him the world will end in 48 hours unless they find this mysterious town of Dunwich and stop the undead priest from unleashing hell on earth. Back in Dunwich, the undead priest is hard at work and zombies are rising from graves and killing people. When the psychic and reporter finally find Dunwich, they team up with a few others, including a psychologist (Carlo De Mejo) and a young child (Luca Venantini), to fight off the impending zombie apocalypse. Can they stop it before it’s too late?

I am really surprised more people didn’t dig this movie, because I thought it was abso-fucking-lutely fantastic! When you go into a Fulci flick, you have to realize that you won’t get a very well-developed story or even one that makes sense. What you will get, however, is a highly atmospheric and stylized, gore-filled treat! City of the Living Dead is no different, packed with eerie shots of a fog-filled cemetery, a creepy, undead priest and some cringeworthy gore!

The visuals are outstanding, with Fulci creating some seriously nightmarish images. Characters keep seeing the creepy priest appear and disappear, zombies begin stumbling around the nearly-deserted streets and the city of Dunwich begins to take on a very apocalyptic feel. Fabio Frizzi’s dark score helps to heighten the atmosphere and kept me on the edge of my seat!

Besides the sinister visuals, Fulci gives us a heaping plateful of his trademark ooey gooey gore. Once the priest puts the impending apocalypse into motion, people start behaving a little…oddly. In one very memorable scene, a father catches his daughter hanging out in the garage with a guy and suspects the worse. He punishes the man (who in earlier scenes we see is a disturbing sexual deviant, played by none other than Italian horror icon Giovanni Lombardo Radice) by drilling right through his skull in a fantastically shot scene! In another legendary scene, the priest appears and makes a girl cry blood tears and slowly regurgitate her own intestines. Truly a sick, sick sight, but oh so worth it!

Now, no matter how much I enjoyed this flick it still has some very serious flaws. The most glaringly obvious is the poor storyline. The story itself is pretty nonsensical and there are plenty of plot holes to jar your enjoyment of the film. Believability MUST be suspended quite a bit to believe the sequence of events portrayed in the film. Example – without any explanation, the zombies in this film, including the undead priest, can teleport. Pretty handy for freaking people the fuck out! Also, the psychic coming back to life after nearly being buried alive is pretty implausible…didn’t they stuff corpses with embalming fluid and whatnot back then?

The dialogue is pretty horrendous as well, with the characters endlessly babbling about Dunwich being built upon the remains of Salem, going back and forth on how they must stop the priest and on and on. The film gets a lot better towards the end when there is more screaming than talking. Yet, I found myself being able to overlook the bad dialogue and just enjoy the action happening on-screen.

While City of the Living Dead certainly has its flaws and isn’t the best Fulci flick around, it still has a certain charm that made me love it. For those that haven’t experienced Fulci’s unique style of filmmaking (shame on you!) I would NOT recommend this film. It’s a little too all over the place for a starting point. Instead, I’d suggest first checking out Zombi or The Beyond. Still, those that haven’t yet peeped this gorelicious treat are truly missing out on an atmospheric and grue-filled flick!

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Castle of Blood (1964)

Exquisitely creepy and essentially gothic, Antonio Margheriti’s Castle of Blood is the perfect moody film for dark, stormy nights. Heck, I watched it while the sun was still shining and it still made my apartment feel like a dank, dark crypt. Much like Mario Bava’s classic Black Sunday, Castle of Blood is full of foggy cemeteries, beautiful damsels in distress, cursed ghosts and a very gloomy yet suspenseful atmosphere.

Journalist Alan Foster is planning to meet with great author Edgar Allan Poe at a pub. When he arrives, Poe is regaling a group of men with one of his fantastical tales. After the tale is finished, Poe goes on to tell Alan that his tales are based on truth. Poe’s friend, Lord Blackwood, agrees with him and he and Poe challenge the scoffing Alan to stay at a supposedly haunted castle overnight. It is a special night, the night of the dead, where the ghosts of the castle supposedly come back to reenact their last moments on earth. According to Blackwood, no one has ever been able to last the entire night in the castle.

Alan begrudgingly agrees to the proposition and the three take a two hour carriage ride to the isolated and seemingly abandoned castle. Poe and Blackwood drop Alan off and tell him they shall return at dawn to see how he fared. Alan opens the creaky iron gates of the castle, creeps through an overgrown cemetery and is spooked by a little black cat before heading into the dark castle. Here he does some exploring and finds that he is not alone. A woman named Elisabeth appears and soon she and Alan have fallen in love. Trouble is, Elisabeth is a ghost and soon the other inhabitants of the castle appear. Alan starts to wonder if he is going mad but soon discovers that the apparitions are after more than his sanity…they want his blood!

For fans of old, black and white, atmospheric haunted house movies, Castle of Blood is a must-see. If, on the other hand, you need constant gore and action to keep your attention during a movie you may want to skip this one. The first 10 minutes alone show Alan just making his way into the castle and poking around. I love these kind of movies, though, the kind that are full of creaky doors, black cats, overgrown cemeteries, eerie fog, nefarious mysteries and murders!

The acting is quite well-done, though perhaps a bit over-dramatic for today’s audiences. Still, Barbara Steele shines as the doomed Elisabeth Blackwood and Georges Riviere is excellent as the unbelieving Alan Foster. The rest of the cast does a spectacular job as well and each character helps create a foreboding atmosphere as the movie progresses to the finale.

Margheriti’s direction is excellent. Everything is in the chiarcoscuro style and very Gothic-inspired. Scenes of rolling fog in between gnarled trees and broken tombstones look gorgeously creepy and the cramped, dark corners of the castle are truly claustrophobic. Margheriti builds on the dread with each scene and really delivers at the end.

The Synapse DVD release of Castle of Blood has previously unreleased scenes, such as a lesbian scene, a nude scene and a few extra scenes that add further explanation. These scenes were so rare to find that the only prints that existed were French. Therefore, you will notice that when these scenes pop up they have French audio with English subtitles. After getting over the language switch, you’ll find that these never-before-seen-scenes add a lot to the overall movie. Synapse has done a great service to movie fans by adding these “lost” scenes back into this film.

Castle of Blood is a must-see for fans of old haunted house films. The Synapse DVD is highly recommended for its restoration of “lost” scenes, but I recommend seeing this film any way you can!

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The Gravedancers (2006)

You know, it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen a decent ghost story. This is why I was very excited to see The Gravedancers, part of the After Dark Horrorfest. I had missed it in theaters, so I was all over it when it came out on DVD. Did it live up to my expectations? Well, yes and no…

After attending the funeral of their friend, three friends sneak back into the cemetery at night to say their final farewells to their buddy. After getting drunk, they find a mysterious black card that contains a poem. Standing on a headstone, Sid (Marcus Thomas), one of the friends, reads the poem out loud. Meanwhile, Kira (Josie Maran) and Harris (Dominic Purcell of Prison Break fame) make with the smoochies, despite the fact that Harris is married to the devoted Allison (Clare Kramer). After the poem gets Kira and Harris’ attention, the three friends begin dancing atop some graves, just as the poem says to.

The next day, things seem to go back to normal (you know, except for the fact that Allison suspects something is going on with Kira and her husband). The next few weeks bring an array of strange occurrences to Harris and Allison’s new house. Pipes clank, the cat hisses at nothing and the piano plays by itself. Thinking that Kira might be stalking them like she’s done in the past, the two go to confront her at her house after one particularly frightening episode…but find her badly beaten and possibly raped by what she says is an invisible force. After dropping Kira at the hospital, Harris and Allison go to Sid’s, who is also experiencing paranormal activity in the form of small fires breaking out around his apartment. He has hired two paranormal investigators to get to the bottom of the haunting. Before long, the fact that the three friends danced on graves is revealed and the investigators tell them this is grave desecration. Upon further investigation it is revealed that the graves they danced upon belonged to the “condemned” – the murderers, psychopaths, rapists, criminally insane and the like. The poem that was read was actually a spell to release the spirits of the dead. Now, an ax-wielding adulteress is after Harris, a child pyromaniac is after Sid and, worst of all, a sadistic rapist/murderer is after Kira. The ghosts are active for one month, but are getting stronger each day. The friends must find a way to put the ghosts at peace before the ghosts lay them to rest.

I have mixed feelings about this film. It starts off pretty sweetly, all slow and moody as the ghosts begin their haunting. As the ghosts get stronger, their scare tactics get bigger and bigger. When the ghosts are actually able to manifest, they look delightfully creepy (and yes, perhaps even a little cheesy). The creepiest of them all is the gaunt, naked old rapist/murderer who is after Kira. Yet, the (unintentionally?) hilarious and over-the-top ending is what killed the movie for me. There’s nothing like a cheesy, huge CGI ghost-head chasing a Hummer that is plowing through wall after wall of a mansion to kill any residual creepiness.

Yet, I can’t help but remember how enjoyable ¾ of the movie was! Sure, it could have been a lot better, but this film is what it is, and it was fun! There’s nothing new here and no twists or very many surprises, but this movie is pure, brainless entertainment. Director Mike Mendez realized that this story has been done before (and better), so he just decided to have fun with it. Sure it didn’t live up to my expectations as my new favorite ghost film, but it did entertain me!

There are a few tension-filled scenes, my favorite being when Harris and Allison find Allison cowering in the corner of her house, covered in bite marks. Verrryyy creepy. Or check out the scene with Allison in the hospital. I’ll never look at a gurney the same again! When Sid, Kira, Harris and Allison all take refuge in the massive mansion of the paranormal investigators, the creeps really kick in as the three ghosts begin their attacks in earnest. Throat-slashings, being burning alive, ax murders, inappropriate fondling…it’s all here!

If you are in the mood for some “horror-lite” cinema, check out The Gravedancers for some pure popcorn cinema! The ending is entirely silly, but the rest of the film is quite enjoyable and definitely worth a rental.

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Return of the Living Dead (1985)

I watched this movie for the first time last night, expecting a horrible, throw-away movie that I would never watch again. Wow was I surprised! I loved this movie!

Freddy is learning the ropes at his new job at a medical supply store. His supervisor, Frank, shows him where they keep the human skeletons, the fresh corpses, the dissected-in-half dogs and all sorts of other weird and creepy stuff. Frank tells Freddy that the movie Night of the Living Dead was based on true events. He tells Freddy that the government was in possession of a chemical that re-animates dead corpses. One such outbreak occurred at a hospital, and somehow those re-animated corpses were shipped to their medical supply store and reside in the basement. Frank and Freddy head down there to have a looksie, but Frank accidentally releases the chemical gas.

Meanwhile, Freddy's punk (and new wave and goth and preppy) friends are waiting to pick him up from work. They have a few hours to kill so they decide to go to the Resurrection (nyuck nyuck) Cemetery across the street from the medical supply store to get the party started. Freddy has a very diverse group of friends - preppy Tina, punks Spider, Casey and Scuz, goth-like punks Trash and Suicide and new-waver Chuck.

Back at the medical supply store, Freddy and Frank wake up to find dead things are coming back to life. They quickly call the owner, Ernie, and after the three of them chop up a re-animated corpse and it still won't die, they decide to go to the mortuary by the cemetery and cremate the remains.

Burt is the mortician and after Ernie explains what is happening, Burt agrees to let them cremate the still-moving body parts. After they burn the body, the smoke drifts up into the atmosphere, but soon comes back down to earth as it starts to rain heavily. The chemicals rain down on the punks, who run for cover after they notice this rain burns! Soon, corpses are digging their way out of their graves and going after the punks.

Back at the mortuary, Frank and Ernie aren't doing too well - the paramedics come and tell them that technically, they are dead. They have no heart beat, no blood pressure, no temperature, and yet they are talking and coherent. Hmmmm...imagine that!

Soon, the remaining punks join those in the mortuary as they try and escape from the zombie hordes who just want braiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnsssss...more braiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnns!

Wow, this movie was completely enjoyable! It was funny, it paid homage to Romero, it had its gory moments and a well developed (yet simple) story. The acting was kinda over the top or just plain bad at times, but this worked with the overall campy and fun tone of the movie. The shock at the end is great too - they finally call an emergency number for the government, thinking they will get help, but...KABLOOEY!!

If you haven't seen this movie, watch it - this is one that DOES deserve its cult status!

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Phantasm (1979)

One of the many movies I recently received was Phantasm...basically a boy discovers something very odd and creepy going on at the local cemetery. Corpses are disappearing, small Ewok type creatures are running around, and spinning orbs of death fly through the crematorium. Behind this all is the creepy mortician, the "Tall Man." The boy finally convinces his older brother what's going on and together they try to solve the mystery and stop the Tall Man for good.

This movie was pretty hard to find and I paid wayyyyy much more for it than I usually do for movies. Was it worth it? I'm not entirely sure...this movie was plenty enjoyable and it is a cult favorite, but...it wasn't really scary. It was fun to watch and had a slight sci-fi edge with the revelation of who the Tall Man was...but I can't say it's favorites. Gore was minimal, acting was ok, but the story was pretty unique for a horror flick. I am glad I finally got to watch it, and I am glad I own it now. I would definitely give this film a second chance and I am in loooooooooove with the cemetery in the movie! I wish my town had THAT cemetery (minus all the supernatural stuff happening - especially the deadly flying orbs!!). I would recommend this for someone who wants to see a slightly different horror movie with a light sci-fi touch.

Note: Now that they've re-released it on DVD, it's widely available!

Order it for yourself on Amazon!

Originally posted on Fatally-Yours.com.