The Horde (2010)

The Horde (aka La Horde in its native French), which was released on DVD last week, has been receiving a lot of press lately, both favorable and unfavorable. It seems that horror fans are split on this film – either they hated it with a passion or named it as one of their “best of” picks for 2010. Horror films that split the horror community right down the middle always intrigue me. It really makes me marvel at how people’s perspectives can be so different – one person may have called it the best zombie movie of 2010, but another said it was the worst POS he had ever seen. Surely everyone’s opinion is different, but films that cause such a wide divide in the horror community are even more interesting to me. So, of course I had to see The Horde to decide for myself whether it was a bloody good time or just a waste of time.

The Horde is about a group of vigilante cops that decide to take revenge on a group of gangsters that killed a fellow police officer. They storm the gang’s decrepit headquarters, housed inside a ghetto apartment building, but soon discover they are out-manned and out-gunned by the ruthless thugs. As the gang holds them hostage, a whole new dilemma presents itself as masses of fast-moving zombies start amassing outside the building. Now the remaining cops and gang members must work together to escape the hungry hordes of undead.

The Horde will no doubt delight gorehounds with its bloody set-pieces, but it also includes some timely social commentary on race, class, war, loyalty, etc. that will please more cerebral horror fans. As to the big question – whether I loved or hated the film – truth be told The Horde left me lukewarm. On the one hand I loved all the bloody action that exploded on the screen as well as the social commentary, but on the other hand I felt like I had already seen everything the film had to offer in other, perhaps better, zombie movies. After a tense and promising first act the second and third acts were a bit of a let-down. No matter how much blood and grue were tossed at the screen, no matter how many super-fast, super-strong zombies were mowed down by guns, hacked apart by machete or blown apart with grenades I just couldn’t seem to get into the latter part of the film. Maybe I’m just being a jaded horror fan, but it didn’t feel like enough creativity or originality had gone into The Horde, thus making it seem like any other zombie movie.

People might get upset over the “fast zombie” issue, but I thought it actually made the zombies even more frightening. The zombie makeup was also superb, making the zombies look even fiercer. Another complaint has been about the lack of an explanation regarding the zombie outbreak (the only thing we get is a newscast about an “epidemic” and a military safe zone that survivors should try to get to), but I actually appreciated how they kept the action focused on the building’s survivors and didn’t try expand the action to beyond the apartment building’s walls. The lack of explanation kept the action frenetic and immediate (though some of the action did get bogged down by pacing issues). Another part of the story I enjoyed were the ulterior motives of all the characters and how everyone was ultimately looking out for #1 (with a few exceptions). The relationship between two Nigerian brothers was the most intriguing, but I felt that the focus on the bloody action overshadowed the complex relationships in the end. The ending of the film, while not surprising, was satisfying in its somberness.

Though The Horde had its issues, it certainly didn’t qualify it for “worst of” status. There were plenty other horror flicks to claim that title this year. However, it also wasn’t creative enough to warrant it a “best of” nod either, at least not in my book. If you are looking for a gory zombie flick and can overlook the film’s shortcomings discussed above, then by all means check out The Horde. It’s not a perfect horror film, but it’s a pretty good time for what it is.

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Alligator (1980)

Remember the urban legend about alligators running loose in the sewers? The legend goes that gators were taken home by overeager kids wanted them as pets, only to be flushed down the toilet when they became problematic. The gators ended up in the sewers, eating stray pets, bums and the occasional kid and causing general hysteria.

The 1980 film Alligator follows this same premise, but also throws in some nefarious corporation illegally doing cruel experiments on animals and dumping their growth-hormone packed corpses into the sewers. Well, this is all well and good for Mr. Gator (whose real name is Ramon) since he has a steady diet of pumped up puppies that cause him to reach 30 – 40 feet in length! Still, the hormones cause him to have an insatiable appetite, so soon he is roaming the streets of Chicago, looking for his next bite! Who is gonna stop him? How ‘bout a misogynistic cop with a receding hair line (Robert Forster) and a gator scientist (Robin Riker) who happens to be the same kid whose daddy ended up flushing the alligator all those years ago!

This entry into the “animals attack” subgenre is pretty entertaining, but it has some awful characters…they are so bad, in fact, that I was rooting for the alligator the whole time! First, it appears that EVERYONE in the film is misogynistic…NO ONE believes a woman can be…GASP!…SMART or a SCIENTIST! Every male character talks down to the lone female character (the alligator scientist) and she pretty much just takes it. The receding-hairline cop even tells her he isn’t gonna take her to dinner unless it’s guaranteed that she is gonna bone him…and when they finally gets to dinner he is a major ass (as if he wasn’t enough of one to begin with). The misogyny in this film is so annoying it pretty much becomes amusing after a while…and it’s just begging to have a drinking game created for every offensive remark made!

On the plus side, the film has an interesting anti-animal cruelty/anti-animal testing perspective. The corporation, CEO and flunky “scientist” that are abusing and killing animals in lab tests are looked upon as the villains (as they should be). I found it interesting that the film had such a strong animal rights message considering that the alligator is blown to smithereens at the end. However, I’ll take animal welfare messages where I can get them, and it appears that Alligator at least has some good points about the cruelty of animal testing as well as showing how unnecessary it is in most cases (in most cases, I’m not saying all, as this is a very sticky subject).

Also, I found it interesting that I was cheering for the alligator the whole way through. “Ramon” kinda became like a superhero during the film as he took down the bad guys (most satisfying scene: seeing the CEO of the corporation get smooshed!). I didn’t care about our supposed “hero”, the cop, or even the woman gator scientist. No, I just wanted to see Ramon slither away and live another day to take a bite out of crime! Sadly, he doesn’t survive…

For an “animals attack” film, I sure don’t recall that much blood…there’s one memorable scene at the beginning where an alligator wrangler (you know, those guys in the swamp who put on shows for crowds, opening gators’ mouths, wrestling them, etc.) gets his leg bitten off, but from there the gator manglings all kinda blur together. Even the satisfying scene where the CEO gets his due isn’t all that bloody. However, I will say that the alligator looks great! Or maybe I was too distracted by the misogynistic cracks to notice…Anywho, director Lewis Teague used both an animatronic, mechanical alligator (which often malfunctioned) as well as a regular sized alligator in miniature sets. Though sometimes it was obvious, I think it still looked great nonetheless!

Alligator is a pretty decent “animals attack” horror film. If you can get past the annoying characters, misogyny and lack of gore, definitely check it out. If you don’t think you’ll like it, check it out anyway and just make a drinking game out of all the misogyny that occurs!

Salud!

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Book Review: The Canal by Daniel Morris

In The Canal by Daniel Morris, a deadly monster lurks beneath the waste and stink of a city’s sewage canal, leaving behind the skinned remains of its victims. Detective Joe Lombardi has a certain affinity for solving canal crimes, so he’s put on the case. His tragic past has afforded him a familiar relationship with the canal, much to the chagrin of his square partner, Alan. Alan loathes Joe and the sloppy way he dresses and conducts himself. Alan hopes to solve this case for himself so he can get rid of Joe once and for all.

Yet, as they investigate the case they realize the true sinister nature of the murderer and that it just might not be human. The case begins to eat away at both Joe and Alan as more details surface about the murders and they must act quickly before the canal takes any more victims.

The Canal is a definite page-turner, dripping with atmosphere and oozing suspense. Author Daniel Morris gruesomely describes the polluted world of the canal and the gritty city it runs through. You can almost taste the brackish water of the canal and smell its pungent sewage stench through the pages. Several scenes (including several where different characters take the plunge into the diseased waters) had me dry-heaving because like the character of Alan I’m a bit of a neat freak and germaphobe. So reading about people taking a dive into the crusty, sludgy and heavily polluted water that’s not just swimming with nasty diseases but a flesh-eating monster had my toes curling and me squirming in my seat!

I also love how we are just given quick glimpses of the mutated monstrosity of the creature that don’t give away too much. Bit by bit we see more and more, until at the end when you see just how terrifying the monster really is. I think that by holding back the author made the final reveal all the more terrifying!

The author also did a fine job developing each of the characters. I was both intrigued and disgusted by Joe and while I though Alan was initially a prick, I warmed up to him. All of the other characters, from the homeless Rose to the uptight and immaculate “downtown” detective brought in to run the case to the mysterious Paul who treats the monster like a pet and so on, were just as interesting and really helped propel the story along, adding plenty of layers and nooks and crannies to explore.

I also thought the subtle environmental message of being careful what we throw away and being aware of where our waste goes was appropriate and timely. You can either embrace the message or disregard it, but it is definitely there for those that wish to acknowledge it.

The Canal is a great read, offering many twists, turns, sights and smells that you won’t soon forget! It’s a gumshoe murder mystery with a truly terrifying monster and will make you think twice about what might be lurking in the sewage canals of your city!

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Somebody Help Me (2007)

Somebody Help Me…to survive this movie!


Somebody Help Me manages to bundle all of horror’s annoying clichés to create a trite, unoriginal and bland film. Despite the fact that this “urban thriller” stays away from stereotypical characters, that alone cannot save the convoluted script that tries to pack too many horror subgenres into one film. Any “scares” the film tried to achieve fail, because we’ve seen them all before in better horror movies! The entire movie feels familiar, because each scene has already been played out in other horror movies.

Let me know if this starts to sound familiar: two couples head up to a secluded cabin to party. It’s sickeningly sweet Serena’s (Brooklyn Sudano) 21st birthday party and her boyfriend Brendan (Marques Houston) wants to celebrate in style. His buddy Darryl (Omarion) has offered his uncle’s secluded cabin in Lake Arrowhead as their weekend getaway. Their only neighbors are a creepy older gentleman (John Wiltshire) who keeps spying on them and a little blond-haired girl (Brittany Oaks) who likes to creepily sing “Ring Around the Rosie” (and resembles the sing-song-y blond child from Nightmare on Elm Street so closely I’m surprised they didn’t get sued!). Soon, three other couples (all bland and uninteresting) show up for Serena’s birthday party and they get down…to slow dancing? I don’t know about you, but my 21st birthday party did not look like a junior high dance! The next morning, two of the five couples are missing. After lounging around in PJ’s, the remaining kids head out to search the surrounding woods…and search all day but find no trace of their friends. While in the woods, MORE of them disappear until Brendan and Darryl are the last men standing.

In the meantime, we see that a deranged plastic surgeon (Sonny King) is behind the disappearances. He has kidnapped each of the kids and stuck them in doggie cages in his cabin. One by one, he takes them out and “operates,” taking an ear, an eyeball, a scalp and plenty of blood. With the help of the ghost-like blond girl, can the guys save their girlfriends and friends from the hands of the psycho killer?

Somebody Help Me is an urban horror flick, with the lead characters being all black. Unlike the recent Hood of Horrors, I appreciated that the film stayed away from stereotypes and portrayed everyone as equals. There were no “ghetto-fied” black characters or any WASP-ish white people. I also liked how the film turned the horror stereotype of “the black guy always dies first” on its head. In Somebody Help Me, it’s the white folks that get nabbed by the killer first. Its fair treatment of both races is about the only thing I can recommend about Somebody Help Me, though.

The rest of the film is a recycled mish-mash of bad horror clichés and subgenres. On the one hand, the film starts as an old fashioned slasher, but then jumps to a ghost story and yet again switches gears to exploitative torture flick! These multiple shifts in storyline can work amazingly well in some films, but the transitions in this one are just too jarring and do not flow well at all. Also, none of the plot lines were developed to their full potential so we are left scratching our heads and asking who is the little girl? What is the plastic surgeon’s full story? What the hell is up with the creepy neighbor? It feels like these subplots were all stuffed into the film to throw as many horror clichés at the audience as possible. The result is a confused and unstable plot that brings nothing new to the table and one that you’ll quickly lose interest in.

The dialogue is equally horrible, with lines that sound like they were pulled directly from bad horror films. It got so bad that I begun to suspect this was done on purpose as a little wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the audience, but ultimately I think it was just poor writing. Poor writing also results in bland characters you care nothing about. None of the characters had any real personality or spark, so I didn’t connect with any of them. As a result, I didn’t care what happened to them. The torture scenes were plenty gruesome, but without that emotional attachment they weren’t that effective.

The acting itself wasn’t so bad, with R&B stars Houston and Omarion putting on good performances. Their girlfriends, played by Sudano and Alexis Fields, weren’t up to par, but were passable performances. The other couples were all pretty much indistinguishable and about as interesting as a piece of cardboard, but the actors did the best they could with the material they were given. I wished we had seen more of Sonny King, who played the killer, as he had immense presence.

Also, the film looks like it had fairly high production values. Even in the darker scenes (which there are a lot of…don’t any of the characters realize they can turn on a light?), the movie looks great. The direction (by Chris Stokes, who also directed You Got Served and House Party 4, as the back of the DVD proudly proclaims) isn’t flashy, but shows us what we need to see. The audio is crisp, and I didn’t need to crank the volume up super-loud to hear dialogue and crank it back down once the hip-hop/rap soundtrack came on. The high production values looked like theatrical-release quality, which gave me one more thing to enjoy about this movie.

Still, these few positive factors couldn’t save this movie. Somebody Help Me is a horror film that will feel mighty familiar to you if you’ve had any experience at all with the horror genre. We’ve got the secluded cabin, the creepy neighbor, the uncaring cops, the stupid mistake of splitting up in the woods, the masked killer, the dream sequence, the ghostly little girl singing a creepy nursery rhyme, torture in the Hostel vein and a conclusion that leaves it wide open for a sequel. There is nothing new and nothing interesting in this by-the-numbers movie, except for the fact that the leads happen to be black. While I’ll applaud the filmmakers from staying away from stereotypical race caricatures, that’s about the only positive thing I can recommend in this uninspired retread.

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Nailed (2007)

Have you ever experienced an especially vivid nightmare filled with bright lights, dark corners and ominous figures that you could swear was actually happening? When you wake up, you feel disoriented, spooked an uneasy?

If you have, then you’ll pretty much know how you’ll feel watching Nailed, a surprisingly effective horror film!

This under-the-radar film starts off like a crime drama, with two low-level thugs, Keller (Charles Porter) and Scott (Sam Sarpong), dropping off a drug delivery only to find out they are smack-dab in the middle of a huge bust. After a chase through inner-city streets, during which Scott gets shot in the arm, the two take refuge in a boarded-up house. They assume they are all alone, until they hear strange sounds coming from upstairs. When they investigate, they find a man, bandaged head to toe, lying in a bed begin cared for his “caregiver,” Adam (Wilson Jermaine Heredia). Relieved to find a doctor in the house, they force Adam to patch up Scott’s arm. Keller and Scott are forced to stay in hiding in the house because the cops are still looking for them outside. That’s when things begin to get a little strange…

I wasn’t expecting all that much from this movie…with a name like Nailed, I was half-expecting this movie to feature half the cast from Jackass, complete with copious amounts of unnecessary nudity and over-the-top gory deaths. Much to my surprise, it was completely different from what I expected. It actually had a tense atmosphere and had me on the edge of my seat, you know, genuinely frightened! Imagine a horror movie doing THAT!!

Director Adrian O’Connell utilizes the cramped space of the boarded-up house and capitalizes on the claustrophobic atmosphere. Sunlight streaming in between the slats on the windows forms a sharp contrast to the murky depths of the house, creating a disorienting feeling. The intensity of the situation is multiplied by the fact that Scott is slowly bleeding to death and Keller is freaking out over the moans and groans that the man upstairs is making.

The film is essentially carried by the performances of the three actors inside the house (I’m not counting the man in the bed, since he doesn’t do much but groan) – Porter as Keller, Sarpong as Scott and Heredia as Adam and all three manage to pull it off. Porter plays the secretive Keller as the strong, silent one until his sanity begins to slowly deteriorate. Things inside the house start getting to him and he turns from calm and collected to frantic and desperate. Sarpong plays the light-hearted but with-something-to-prove Scott with ease, and actually makes the audience care about him even though he has shot a cop and continually threatens Adam. Adam is played by Heredia in a very creepy, detached way. Adam acts calm and emotionless, even when a gun is waved in his face, which makes you think from the start that something is just not right with him.

The film builds slowly, first with a few strange things occurring, which the characters just brush off as due to stress, but soon the scares become more and more frequent. Keller discovers a doll house that looks exactly like the one they are in, complete with boarded up windows and little dolls that look like him, Scott, Adam and the man in the bed. Then he begins getting sores all over his body and starts seeing things a little more…ominous. The pacing of the film is excellent and even the beginning with the drug bust and ensuing chase fits in. Director Adrian O’Connell and writer Stephen McAnena have created quite a taut film with Nailed.

My only complaint was that the ending felt a bit generic and can be figured out when you actually get into the film. Other than that, Nailed is a solid horror film that focuses more on psychological terror and cramped spaces than grue or goo.

Check it out if you’re looking for a terrifying trip…or just go watch Jackass.

Available on Amazon!