Book Review: The Estuary by Derek Gunn

Permuted Press’ latest post-apocalyptic book is Irish author Derek Gunn’s zombie tale The Estuary. I haven’t read any of Gunn’s previous works (he is perhaps best known for his Vampire Apocalypse series), but my interest was piqued by The Estuary’s premise. I am usually a big fan of Permuted Press’ release, but I think they really dropped the ball with The Estuary…not to say that it is a bad novel by any means.

The Estuary begins with a covert Nazi mission where canisters filled with a secret weapon are being transported via mini-submarines to the front lines…but a storm takes the mini-subs perilously off course.

Fast forward to the present in the idyllic Irish hamlet of Whiteshead, where John Pender has relocated his family to try and rekindle his marriage and spend more time with his three kids. The idyllic setting is soon shattered when an old mini-sub is unearthed in the dried-up estuary and a mysterious gas leaks out of the long-dormant canisters.

The gas turns out to be a contagion that quickly infects all those that came into close contact with it. The infected turn into the walking dead who crave the flesh and blood of the living. Soon, the sleepy town is overrun with zombies and the survivors must find a way to safety!

Yet, when the remaining townspeople try to leave town, they find themselves quarantined by the army, who are prepared to use lethal force to contain the virus. The townspeople’s only hope for survival is reaching an old keep that juts up from the sea and is at the end of the estuary. But to get there they must traverse an ocean of the undead…

The Estuary had a very promising premise, but it suffers from a large number of problems that took away from my overall enjoyment of the book. The number one most annoying problem was the amount of typos in the book, which included everything from spelling, punctuation and grammar. For a published novel, the amount of typos in the book is unacceptable. Permuted Press really disappointed me with their severe lack of editing and/or proofreading. The typos are so bad that it doesn’t even appear that the book was proofread at all!

Secondly, I never felt any real connection to any of the characters and had a hard time keeping them apart. The repetition of the characters’ full first and last names every time they are mentioned was also distracting and led me to believe a new character was being introduced. Again, this could have been avoided if a good editor was used, but unfortunately this wasn’t the case.

As for the positives, there were some great action sequences, particularly towards the end of the novel. Gunn is able to write tension-filled scenes that kept me turning the pages. I really enjoyed the dwindling survivors making a run for it to get to the keep and their suspenseful last stand. Gunn’s descriptions of the infected are also excellent. These zombies don’t moan, grunt or make any kind of noise, but just silently stumble around. Their vacant, slack-jawed expressions are pretty darn frightening, especially coupled with the fact that they are so silent. They also aren’t exactly the slow, shambling type of zombies (nor are they fast sprinters), but instead can get to where they want to go pretty quickly. Gunn has created some very frightening monsters, especially since most of the survivors knew them as their former neighbors and friends.

Another enjoyable aspect of the story was the Nazi backdrop. I could have used a bit more on the Nazi’s and the background of the contagion, but the prologue did a good job of giving us a taste of the backstory.

The Estuary could have been a humdinger of a zombie novel, but unfortunately it is brought down by its many typos and lack of editing. Shame on Permuted Press for allowing a book with such potential to be released without proofreading and editing it first!! I really hope they get around to releasing a corrected version of The Estuary…because it really does deserve to be checked out typo-free!

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Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

Where can you find horrible 80’s ballads, a rock star that is a pedophile, Nazis, deformed midgets, zombies, a grandma that transforms into a werewolf, bad 80’s metal hair, music video montages, Adolf Hitler and limber but evil groupies? Hard Rock Zombies, that’s where, one of the worst films ever made!

In the opening scene, a dirty-looking blond hitchhiker (Lisa Toothman), who looks like she’s wearing nothing but a scrap of shower curtain, gets picked up by two skeevy lamebrains. Two seconds later they’ve pulled off for a bit of skinny dipping in a scum-encrusted pond where Dirty Blond drowns both dudes. Who knew drowning produced so much blood? A weird guy who was taking pictures the whole time and his pet midgets (one with a patch over one eye and the other looking more like a creature from Ghoulies) join Dirty Blond in disposing of the bodies…but not before Dirty Blond cuts one of the victim’s hands off and croons, “I wanna hold your hand!”

After this preposterous opening scene we join “the band” onstage as they perform for their 12 groupies. After the long and drawn-out song, they head backstage, strip to their skivvies and pose for pics with more groupies! Lead singer and perv Jessie (E.J. Curcio) becomes enamored of the very young-looking Cassie (Jennifer Coe), who not only looks like she’s 12, but also looks like she’s got caterpillars glued over her already bushy Groucho Marx-like eyebrows. Cassie tries to warn Jessie that his band shouldn’t play their next gig in her podunk town, but Jessie is too smitten to pay attention.

On the way to Cassie’s town Jessie practices his newest song, which he’s borrowed from a medieval incantation that was used to raise the dead. Great idea, bonehead!

The band picks up Dirty Blond, who is out hitchhiking again (what a strange pastime…) and she tells them to stay at her family’s spacious Southern-style mansion. Once they arrive they meet with the creepy midgets and the rest of Dirty Blond’s strange family, including her grandparents who let the creepy midgets watch while they have geriatric sex, a hulking, bald man who is either her brother or the gardener (he’s quite handy with the weed whacker) and the paparazzo-in-training from the pond.

After they’ve stashed all their equipment, the band heads into town and we are forced to suffer another horrible musical number – and, hey, this one’s a montage complete with band members skateboarding, scaring kids by spraying them with shaken cans of beer, dancing like idiots, posing in a gigantic wood cut-out of themselves and hamming it up while disapproving townsfolk look on. The band gets thrown in jail for being so lame, but Dirty Blond bails them out.

After almost getting electrocuted while playing another horrible song in front of their hosts, the band eats it for real at the hands of Dirty Blond’s psycho family. Dirty Blond herself takes out a guy in the shower, while grandma turns into a werewolf(!) and mauls two other band members and Jessie is taken out by baldy with the weed whacker, but not before he gives Cassie his tape for his new dead-raising single!

After the funeral, it is revealed that the members of Dirty Blond’s family are all Nazis in hiding and that her grandpa is actually the Grand Fuhrer himself, Adolf Hitler! Hitler has a hidden bunker well-stocked with poisonous gas and plans to take out the entire U.S.!

Meanwhile, Cassie is visiting the band’s grave. She plays the tape Jessie left her and – sho ‘nuff – the band comes back to life as zombies – stiff, Robot-dancin’ zombies that look like a bad KISS cover band that is.

They kill Dirty Blond and her Nazi family (who return as zombies), then drive (yup, zombies can drive) across town so they can play a showcase and impress a record executive. While we are forced to listen to another god-awful song (the third time we hear it in the film), zombies are slowly overtaking the town. The remaining townsfolk think they can repel zombies by holding out huge posters of famous people…buuuut that idea doesn’t work too well and more people become the zombies’ lunch.

One old guy suggests offering the ghouls the town’s virgin, who just happens to be Cassie. Something about the zombies not attacking the town for another 100 years if they can screw and eat a virgin. Anywho, the townspeople haul Cassie up the mountain like a sacrificial lamb and offer her to the zombies.

It’s up to Jessie and the rest of the zombified band to save his jailbait lady love and to put a stop to the zombie nonsense once and for all…but not until we suffer through yet another musical number.

Whew! Apologies for such a long synopsis, but really I wanted you to get a complete gist of the insanity of this movie! And believe me, you haven’t heard anything yet! I have yet to mention the self-cannibalizing midget or the freaky dance montages that feature Dirty Blond. In case you haven’t noticed, this movie is all over the place and you’ll be asking yourself WTF did I just watch when you are through (if you can bear and get all the way to the end, that is).

First off, the puke-inducing music is not what anyone would call “hard rock.” It just sounds like the most generic, Monster Ballad-esque sap you’ve ever heard. And they just keep playing the same damn songs over and over. Plus, they’ve got the whole pedophile angle covered even in the lyrics, which actually say “I’m so in love, but you’re so young.” Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Totally groddy! Someone call Chris Hansen with To Catch a Predator!

Considering this was at one point just supposed to be a 20 minute short movie I understand all the padding used, but did they really have to keep showing such cheesy montages? First with the band “running wild” (errrr, if “wild” means consorting with a bunch of pudgy schoolkids, riding skateboards and doing a Beatle-esque type dance down the middle of a street) through the redneck town and later on with Jessie and Cassie running at each other in slow-mo both dressed in white! And who can forget Dirty Blond doing some kind of weird 80’s dancing, first randomly in the desert then as a slinky zombie minx (who knew zombies were so flexible?). You could fill 20 bottles of Cheez-Whiz with the cheesiness coming out of just these montage scenes alone!

Then there was the whole “what were they smoking?” plot addition of Nazis and werewolves! Seriously, did they think that a strictly zombie movie would be that boring and they needed a little extra Third Reich pizazz? I really don’t know what writer/director Krishna Shah and co-writer David Allen Ball (and no, they haven’t done all that much since this, ahem, “film”) were thinking when they unleashed this horribly bad movie on an unsuspecting audience, but if they were doing drugs while dreaming this film up then it would make for a perfect “this is your brain on drugs” PSA. Just say no, kids!

You’d think with such vivid imaginations some great gore would come out of all this, but sadly the only “gore” we get is blood that looks like it was squirted right out of a Heinz ketchup bottle. The kill scenes are pretty hysterical, though, especially when geysers of blood erupt during a drowning scene and that the zombiefied band kills Hitler by what looks like a ring-around-the-rosies game gone wrong.

The craziness of the Hard Rock Zombies makes some parts entertaining, but for the most part it’s a real snoozefest. The film looses what little momentum it had at about the one hour mark and all those musical numbers certainly make it seem much longer than it actually is. I might have even fallen asleep had the music not been so gratingly bad. Yet, this film is so bad that like Troll 2 it certainly deserves to be seen at least once…but once will definitely be enough. After that you’ll want to bury Hard Rock Zombies for good.

Available from Amazon!

Book Review: Shadows in the Mist by Brian Moreland

There is something so inherently evil about Nazis that even when you hear the word it makes your skin crawl. All the atrocities they committed, all the innocent people they killed and all the secret experiments they conducted make the Devil himself look tame! Well, it looks like the terror of Nazis is back – on film and in books, you see. Most recently the Nazi zombie film Dead Snow was released and now Brian Moreland’s new supernatural Nazi novel Shadows in the Mist is available. Look out, the Nazis are coming!

Set in World War II, Shadows in the Mist tells of a platoon of soldiers led by Lieutenant Jack Chambers who have accepted a special mission to accompany a special ops unit called X-2 behind enemy lines to intercept and capture a deadly Nazi weapon that the enemy is set to unleash. As the Allies delve deep into enemy territory in the dark, mist-shrouded Hürtgen Forest, they will have to worry about more than just Nazi soldiers because something else lurks within the dense fog. Something that is rooted in the occult and involves an ancient power that is near unstoppable.

Shadows in the Mist is a fast-paced thrill ride that blends bloody scenes of combat, a history of secret societies, espionage, the Nazis’ love of the occult, nearly unstoppable monsters and the supernatural. Its vivid descriptions make you feel like you are standing shoulder to shoulder with the platoon.

Author Brian Moreland must first be commended for his remarkable attention to detail found within the pages. Moreland spent years researching WWII, Nazis and even traveled to the real-life location of the Hürtgen Forest where real battles were fought. He interviewed veterans, read countless books on the Nazis’ obsession with the occult and watched countless films on WWII. Every detail within the book, from what soldiers wore and ate to military language to the location of the book is rooted in reality. All this detail just makes the book feel more real and more immediate.

Besides the sheer detail of the book, the use of description and action also places the read front and center to the battles fought by Jack Chambers’ platoon. You can almost hear the bullets whizzing by, the rumble of the tanks, the drip-drip of the rain in the forest and the fast-beating hearts of the soldiers as they face a near-impossible mission against unimaginable monsters.

The story is tense and keeps you on the edge of your seat as you become emotionally invested in each of the characters. You really learn a lot about each of the platoon soldiers in a short amount of time and care about what happens to them. Whenever there is a soldier that is wounded or killed you feel the deep loss that their Lieutenant feels. I also liked how the story had many different surprises. Just when you think you know what the soldiers are fighting or who the “good guys” are, a twist comes out of nowhere to shock you and takes the story in an entirely different direction.

As for the mysterious Nazi soldiers the Allies end up fighting, boy, are they scary! Suited up in full SS regalia and wearing gas masks to boot, plus having some other nasty surprises up their sleeves (like glowing eyes and being seemingly unstoppable), made them very menacing villains.

From WWII history buffs to those looking for some new supernatural spooks, Shadows in the Mist should be at the top of everyone’s summer reading list. It is so fast-paced and involves you right away that you’ll never want to put it down once you start reading!

Available from Amazon!

Dead Snow (2008)

We all know the great threat zombies pose…their large hordes of shamblers are no match for just a few survivors in most cases. Yet, these shamblers are slow and don’t really possess cognitive thinking…all they are thinking about is their next serving of brains.

So wouldn’t it be a whole lot scarier if the zombies in question were military trained with the ability to be organized? And not just that, but super-evil Nazi zombies?! Plus, these zombies are wicked fast, sneaking up on their targets and slicing their necks open with rusty blades or even climbing trees to go after their prey.

These Nazi zombies aren’t just after brains or flesh either…they are searching for their long-lost Nazi gold and revenge against the villagers that stole it from them.

This is the basic premise of Norway’s Dead Snow, a rolicking zombie tale of a group of medical students who head up to the snow-covered mountains for an Easter ski vacation at their friend’s remote cabin. They don’t realized that this remote region has a dark, bloody history. In World War II, the Nazis had a stronghold nearby and made the neighboring villagers’ lives hell. The Nazis amassed a fortune in gold by stealing from the villagers and killing anyone who stood in their way. One day, the villagers finally decided to fight back. They killed as many Nazis as they could and drove the survivors back into the mountains, where they supposedly froze to death. Now, years later the group of 20-somethings has awoken the Nazi zombies who are very eager to regain their lost riches and seek revenge by killing anyone in sight…

Dead Snow is a film that is full of fun, infectious energy! Its comedy isn’t as obvious as I expected, but the balance between slapstick and splatterfest is near perfect! Though the film treads familiar horror ground (a fact that the characters even poke fun at), it has enough manic energy to propel itself forward and never once does it feel stale or too familiar.

The story, while simple and borrowing from many other horror flicks, is well-constructed and there is enough going on so that the viewer doesn’t lose interest. I liked how writers Tommy Wirkola (who also directed) and Stig Frode Henriksen split up the characters and didn’t leave them all stuck in the cabin while the Nazis besieged them. One went searching for his missing girlfriend and encountered the Nazi zombies’ headquarters in a cave, a few others made a mad dash for the car while others distracted the zombies and still others were sure-fire zombie-fodder. All this action and different locations really kept the film moving at a fast clip.

I felt that the character development was a bit lacking. I couldn’t really tell the characters apart and didn’t quite know who was dating who, who was single, etc. Since most of the characters end up as zombie snacks this wasn’t THAT big of a deal, but it did cause some frustration in the beginning of the movie. As for the actors, I thought they all did a fantastic job, whether they were playing it straight or campy.

Another thing that bothered me a bit was that it is never quite explained how the Nazi soldiers came back to life (and why they were so full of fresh, flowing, red blood if they had frozen to death 60 or so years ago!). Still, I let this slide because the rest of the film is just so darn enjoyable!!

As for the gore, you just can’t go wrong with heads getting crushed like ripe watermelons, self-amputation and self-cauterization, limbs getting ripped off, arterial blood sprays against white snow, a snow mobile bisecting a zombie, a zombie bisecting a human, intestines being used as rope and so on. Dead Snow is an extremely satisfying bloodbath! And the special effects makeup the zombies wear looks great! They look like proper evil undead Nazis, complete with rotting faces and dried-up, crusty skin.

Dead Snow is a crowd-pleasing zombie flick that is a perfect mix of slapstick and splatterfest! While it has a few flaws, these are easily overlooked in light of its exhilarating energy. It is definitely a must-see for zombie fans and will leave you with a big grin on your face after experiencing it.

All Heil Dead Snow!

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