The House that Cried Murder (1973)

This 1970s obscurity somehow weaseled its way to the top of my Netflix queue and let me tell you, this House is one fixer-upper!

Wealthy daddy’s girl Barbara builds an ugly, modern monstrosity just cuz she is bored and wants to truly do something with her life. She plans on moving into the house with her boyfriend, the slimy David, who works at the same firm her father owns. Despite warnings from her father that David “stinks”, Barbara gets her way and ties the knot with David. Daddy’s little girl should have listened to her father, because David really does stink! The adulterous asshole sneaks off during their wedding reception with his ex-girlfriend. Sure enough, Barbara finds him pants down in the bedroom! Barbara takes a pair of scissors to David’s arm before storming off through the wedding guests with a bloodied wedding gown and burning rubber out of there. She disappears, and neither David nor her father hears from her for days or weeks. Despite the tumultuous events of the wedding day, Barbara’s father is overly chummy with David and tells him from now on will be treating David like a son. Meanwhile, David and his ex have re-connected after their lousy rendezvous and are apparently living together. Their bliss is short-lived when they are terrorized in their own home by ominous phone messages, severed chicken heads and expensive bridal gowns.

The House that Cried Murder is one stinker of a movie. First off, the transfer is so bad that the film is littered with scratch marks, weird jump cuts and switches between being too dark or too washed out. Now, I’ve seen plenty of old films in all different states, but this is one of the worst-looking ones I’ve ever seen. Furthermore, the actually lighting in the film is nonexistent, leaving actor’s faces perpetually drenched in shadows while the rest of the surroundings are washed out. I could have overlooked all this had the film actually been decent, but it just drags on and on with no real tension or scares to speak of. Barbara may be crazy, but at least she isn’t the annoying little twat that David’s ex is…good God, I just wanted her to meet a terrible demise but I was denied even that as she is scared off by the chicken head, phone calls and other shenanigans that start to plague her and David.

The film is packed full of more filler than your average hot dog, with pointless scenes of David and his ex strolling a street fair, Barbara and David walking through a field, and so on. This film really needed to get to the action already. Only, I guess there really wasn’t too much action to really get to, now was there? The climax and ending of the film feature a neat little twist, but getting there was absolute torture and the ending doesn’t make up for the boredom I suffered sitting through this dilapidated House. I just wanted this wretchedly boring movie to end…maybe they should call this The House that Cried Uncle instead.

If you are an absolute fiend for bad ‘70s movies (with bad music to match, natch) and this is one you haven’t seen before…well, I would say to skip it anyways. However, if you are a masochist, by all means check this film out; but in my opinion this House should be condemned!

Order it on Amazon!

Hellbride (2007)

British Jinx Media is back again after their highly enjoyable Killer Killer. This time they’ve unleashed Hellbride, which isn’t nearly as good as Killer Killer, but still manages to deliver great characters, good acting and some pretty spooky otherworldly forces.

Lee (James Fisher) and Nicole (Rebecca Herod) are very much in love and Lee finally finds the perfect ring with which to propose to Nicole. Trouble is, the ring’s original owner was Josephine Stewart (Eleanor James), a Victorian bride-to-be who was cheated on by her fiancé. Josephine decided not to let on that she knew about her betrothed’s fling, but began murdering anyone and everyone associated with her wedding. When the wedding day arrived, Josephine bit off her own ring finger that held her ring and killed her fiancé. Ever since then the ring has been cursed, and any bride-to-be that wears it is soon beset by death. Lucky Nicole! She soon begins having visions of Josephine and her creepy, pointy-beaked monster minion. To make matters worse, her dad (James Kavaz) owes money to the mob and Nicole becomes entangled with the death of the mob boss’ son. With all of these problems, not to mention cold feet, will Lee and Nicole ever be able to tie the knot?

Hellbride has a lot going for it, most notably its likable characters. I fell right into Nick and Nicole’s cute relationship, and also like the awkward relationship between their two best friends, Ricky (Oli Wilkinson) and Carly (Natalie Milner), who also happen to be exes. The characters are developed just enough to get to know them and care about them. I also enjoyed the beginning of the film where Josephine’s story is told through old-fashioned black and white drawings.

The story itself feels more like a romantic comedy than anything else. One-liners, gags and lovey-doviness run throughout. It also helps that Nick is a stand-up comic, adding to the laugh-track. One of my favorite gags, though, was the character of Sinclair (Cy Henty of Killer Killer), Carly’s nerdy and sleazy cousin whom Nicole consults for supernatural help.

The acting is what elevates this film from simply being another independent feature to one that stands out. The story might need improvement, but the actors all shine in their roles. James Fisher is adorable as the sweet and loving Lee, Rebecca Herod is as cute-as-a-button and Oli Wilkinson and Natalie Milner have so much chemistry between their characters it’s hard to look away!

The biggest let-downs of the film were the mob sub-plot and the ending. The mob sub-plot involving Carly and her dad felt completely out of place in the film and didn’t add anything to it. The ending dragged on for too long and really wasn’t exciting or suspenseful. Also, certain points of the plot didn’t make sense and weren’t explained. For example, how did Josephine take corporeal form? And what was her monster minion?? It sure looked creepy, but where did it come from and how did it come to be?? Also, Killer Killer had some great visual style too it, but it seemed lost in Hellbride.

If you are looking for something scary with lottsa gore, skip this one, but if you are looking for an independent horror film that’s heavy on romantic comedy, Hellbride just might be your ticket. It’s got laughs, great acting, well-drawn characters and one creepy monster minion!

Available from Amazon!