The Boogeyman (2010)

The Boogeyman is an Irish short film adaptation of Stephen King’s tale. Directed by Gerard Lough, the film opens with bereaved father Andrew (Simon Fogarty) explaining his story to a psychiatrist and saying how he is responsible for his three children’s deaths at the hands of “the boogeyman”. As Andrew recounts his tale, we see what unfolded through flashbacks.

To be honest, I haven’t read King’s story, so I can’t account for how faithful Lough’s adaptation is. Unfortunately, I found this to be a fairly dull short that lacks action, likable characters and tension.

The first problem was with the character of Andrew. Though King’s characters are usually rough around the edges, they are ultimately likable in that “everyman” way. However, Andrew comes off as inherently unlikable, complaining about his wife and expressing how he never really wanted kids. This is quite a shaky way to start a story, especially since it takes a while for Andrew to (sort-of) redeem himself. By the time he actually does express some love for his family, it was already too late and I was already anti-Andrew and couldn’t care less what happened to him.

I also thought it odd he wasn’t suspected more by the police in his children’s deaths. Perhaps if more people suspected him it would have upped the ante and made him a more sympathetic character, but by his own admission he is only telling the story to the psychiatrist to get it off his chest. I think the intention of the filmmaker was to create tension in the viewer, making them wonder if Andrew had really killed his children instead of the boogeyman. However, this intention fell flat and I really never felt the tension or urgency to find out who the true murderer was.

The story unfolded at a languid pace as well, and I just didn’t feel any sort of suspense while watching it. It would have helped if more had been shown of the flashbacks, but instead the story focused more on showing Andrew talking to the psychiatrist. I did read that the production had issues finding child actors for the roles due to the subject matter, but I think the story could have been shot around those problems.

As for the direction, it was okay…nothing too special except for a lot of blue and grey muted colors on display. The direction and editing were fairly plain, and since the story was a bit slow it could have used a little more punch.

Another problem was the silly boogeyman costume design, which was anything but scary. Instead, it just looked like a dude wearing a cheap, plastic Halloween mask. I wish the boogeyman character had been shown less, because a shadow on a wall or eyes peering from a closet would have been much more effective and creepy rather than seeing that ridiculous costume.

The Boogeyman is a slow-paced short that unfortunately couldn’t keep my attention. It lacks tension, likable characters and any sort of scares.

And Soon the Darkness (2010)

Two American girls are on a bicycle tour through remote Argentina, but decide to set out on their own for the last few days of their vacation. Stephanie (Amber Heard) is trying to get over a recent break-up while Ellie (Odette Yustman) is the more free-spirited, wild one. After the two have an argument, Stephanie leaves Ellie sunbathing alone by an isolated river. When Stephanie returns to reconcile with her friend, she finds Ellie missing. While searching for her friend and getting no help from the local police, Stephanie turns to a fellow American named Michael (Karl Urban) for help. However, it seems that even Michael has his own secrets that make Stephanie distrust him. With no one to trust, will Stephanie be able to find Ellie before this movie turns into another Turistas or Hostel? Hmmmm…I’m betting not…

I was ready and willing to give And Soon the Darkness a chance…I figured it might do something new and put a twist on the whole tourists-in-peril sub-genre. I was even willing to put up with the poor man’s versions of Megan Fox (Yustman) and Scarlett Johansson (Heard). The film started off okay…especially since it was actually filmed in Argentina and the vistas were pretty spectacular. However, the film didn’t offer anything unique in regards to its storyline, which really is a pity considering the beautiful location they had to work with. Instead it limps along the well-tread “torture porn” road with a bit of black market sex slavery thrown in for good measure. If I had wanted to see that I would have just re-watched the excellent Shuttle (watch it NOW if you haven’t seen it yet) instead of sitting through this bland “horror” film.

In fact “bland” is an apt word to describe And Soon the Darkness, as it applies to nearly everything in the film. Bland acting, bland writing, a bland storyline, bland torture…The only thing that wasn’t bland was the direction by Marcos Efron and the cinematography by Gabriel Beristain. Of course, the natural beauty of Argentina may have made capturing its loveliness easy! I would even go so far as to say that if the film was re-cut it could be used as a way to promote tourism for the country (providing they cut out all the kidnapping, unfriendly locals, crooked police and torture…which should be easy since the film doesn’t really boast many of these scenes).

If you’re looking for horror, though, you’ll be sadly disappointed with And Soon the Darkness. While it has some great touristy shots that look like they belong in National Geographic, the film’s storyline fails to evoke any real scares since its premise is something we’ve all seen before (and in better films). It tries for a slow burn but falters in that it never actually goes anywhere. By the time Stephanie figured out what was going on I was beyond caring anyway and I just had to throw my hands up in the air when the story went the clichéd way of so many other films. I was at the very least hoping for a bit of a twist at the end that would differentiate this film from its ilk, but no such luck.

What I do find interesting is that this film is actually a remake of a 1970’s film of the same name, something I did not find out until after viewing the 2010 version. Despite the remake’s failure, I’m just a little bit curious as to how the original compares and may seek it out. If it turns out to be a fantastic film, I may have to actually thank And Soon the Darkness for actually doing something for me besides showing me pretty pictures of Argentina. For now though, the only thing that And Soon the Darkness did was bore me to death…and make me want to visit rural Argentina, even though the film should have had the opposite effect in both instances.

Available on Amazon!

The Possession of David O'Reilly (2010)

After I heard someone call this the film that Paranormal Activity should have been, I knew I had to check it out. I wasn’t too thrilled by Paranormal Activity (I didn’t hate it, I just thought it didn’t live up to its potential), so I was eager for a film that may have done it right.

The Possession of David O’Reilly is a British film about a happy couple that agrees to temporary take in their friend David after he splits from his girlfriend. They soon discover that all isn’t right with David – he is increasingly paranoid, sleepwalks, wakes up screaming and claims to see supernatural entities. As the couple begins to experience unexplainable events themselves, they realize David’s wild claims may have some validity and soon find themselves in a fight for their lives.

Alright, so I may not have liked Paranormal Activity, but I liked this film even less. Whoever said this film is what Paranormal Activity should have been was on crack. This just feels like a cheap knock-off that was poorly made. It starts off promisingly enough, with David showing up ominously on his friends’ doorstep in the middle of the night. His deterioration occurs quickly as he starts hearing strange growlings and prowlings from outside. This was all fine and dandy, but we never seen him pre-crazy, so right off the bat I assumed he was certifiable and everything he saw was fake. Now, I’m not saying if that is how it turns out in the end or not, but just that seed of doubt pretty much made me dismiss the entirety of the film.

Though this film has been compared to Paranormal Activity, it is not all captured on hand-held video cameras from the characters. There is still plenty of shaky cam and shots from the characters’ perspectives, but they are not carrying around camcorders capturing everything. There is a motion-detection security system that the married couple has installed in their home, but though it is highlighted at the beginning of the film it plays a disappointingly small part in the film overall. This is a squandered opportunity in my opinion.

Also, the characters make so many stupid decisions you can’t really cheer them on, but instead cheer for them to die. They could choose to leave the house at any time, but instead remain cooped up inside waiting for the entities to arrive with the darkness. And was the weird sub-plot with the pregnant woman really necessary? It didn’t add anything to the story and when it was revealed who she really was this plot point just kind of disappeared from the rest of the film. It also didn’t seem believable that the married couple just believed David without much proof. If my friend started acting crazy you better believe I’d call the nut house to take them away instead of believing they saw scary monsters in the dark.

I did like that the monstrous entities could only be seen in the dark, but even this plot point was undeveloped. If it wasn’t dark, were they still able to kill in the light? If so, then why not just leave the lights on? I also didn’t like how much we saw of the entities. Less would have been more in this case, no matter how cool they looked.

There was also some very weird editing going on in the film. There are multiple scenes where the music swells dramatically, indicating that we should be seeing something…but the scene is empty of any creepy stuff. I even rewound the film to see if I had missed something in several scenes, but nothing was there. These scenes were so frustrating because instead of delivering scares they deliver absolutely nothing.

The Possession of David O’Reilly had some good ideas, but really failed to use them to make an engaging story. Instead, we get a confusing, messy story that doesn’t live up to any of its potential. Even Paranormal Activity is better than this frustrating film.

Buy it on Amazon!

Mr. Halloween (2007)

Ugh, where do I even begin with this movie? Since I am absolutely famished for new Halloween horror films every time around this time of year, I’ve decided to scrape the bottom of the barrel with films like Mr. Halloween. However, after sitting through this nearly 2 hour long amateur horror flick, I wish I would have just stuck to the Halloween classics!

Mr. Halloween (played by Edgar Allan Poe lookalike Bill Loomis) is the titular character who every year builds a haunted house for Halloween. Problem is, some people think his props are a little too real…and they are right. Mr. Halloween is butchering kids all over town to use as props in his twisted haunted house. Despite the high number of missing children in the small town, the local cop is ineffectual and doesn’t do anything about the problem. It’s up to a couple of the town’s kids to stop Mr. Halloween…but what if they are next?

Again…ugh. I certainly picked a winner with this one! You know, it didn’t start off so bad. It had the low-budget hallmarks of bad acting, horrible script, amateur FX, etc., but there was some nice fall foliage on display and the geeky characters were kinda likable. However, these “likable” characters quickly showed just how lame-brained they were by sneaking around Mr. Halloween’s house and getting themselves sliced and diced into bloody props. The rest of the characters, including a high school kid with one of the most ridiculous mustaches I’ve ever seen, survive until the next Halloween, but they also make the mistake of poking around where they shouldn’t. The characters had such horrible dialogue and made such stupid mistakes that I didn’t care if they survived. And the “final girl” was one of the most annoying characters I’ve had the displeasure of seeing in a horror flick. The only reason she makes it so far is dumb luck and that she was always around another character that Mr. Halloween conveniently picked off first. All she did the entire film was ask stupid questions, scream and whine.

Oh, and by the way, pay no attention to the artwork on the DVD cover. There is no little girl or stupid clown in this asinine movie. Neither of those images appear anywhere in the film and I’m baffled by their use on the cover! As mentioned above, the killer is an Edgar Allan Poe lookalike and dresses in a blue jumpsuit Michael Myers would be proud of. However, the character is more weird than scary. He never really talks, spends all day strapped to an old electric chair and spends nights tromping around his Halloween props. How stupid do the people in this town have to be to not realize he’s the guy kidnapping their kids?? The lack of logic in this film just boggles the mind…

I had to endure nearly two hours of this agony, but with this review I hope to spare you from watching this irredeemable piece of crap. Yes, it is low-budget and I’m sure the first time filmmakers put a lot of time and effort into this thing…but good intentions and hard work don’t necessarily pay off if you have a script written by what seems like 5-year-olds.

Available from Amazon!

Sutures (2009)

A battered woman stumbles out of the wilderness and is admitted into the hospital…once she has been treated Detective Zane (Jason London) visits her to ask about her ordeal. The young woman, named Sienna (Allison Lange), recounts how she and her pre-med friends headed up to an isolated castle for some rest and relaxation. However, a mysterious man in black followed them, and one by one they were kidnapped and taken to a dank underground “hospital” where crazed Doctor Hopkins (Andrew Prine) utilized his new “patients” for experiments as well as harvesting their organs for the black market. However he and his staff treated them, one by one they ended up dead…except for Sienna, who happened to escape.

As Sienna recounts her tale to the Detective, she tells him more about the man in black, whose name was Alexander Tatum (Carlos Lauchu). Alexander should have been a renowned surgeon, but a tragic past and a daughter diagnosed with a rare disease lead him to help Doctor Hopkins in exchange for a possible cure for his sick daughter.

Will Detective Zane get to the bottom of the killings? Will Alexander come after Sienna now that she’s escaped?

Yes, this is another kids-getting-kidnapped-for-their-organs movie like a ton of other “torture porn” flicks out there. And, in my opinion, it’s one of the most boring. I was expecting some nicely done gore and a familiar but entertaining story…however I didn’t really get anything I was hoping for. The movie never really “grabbed” me and I was bored from the first couple of scenes all the way to the end. You don’t know how many times my finger was itching for the fast-forward button!

However, even though I didn’t like the film, let me rattle off some technical strengths it had…First off, it was competently shot thanks to director Tammi Sutton. I thought the lighting was great and the scenes in the underground black market “hospital” were very atmospheric. The acting was also pretty decent; I especially liked the performances from Allison Lange as survivor girl Sienna and Carlos Lauchu as the dark and mysterious Alexander.

These few strengths, however, were not enough to make Sutures a good or enjoyable film. I’ve read positive reviews of the film, all of which left me scratching my head. Did we watch the same film? The film started somewhat strongly enough once it got past the boring bits of showing Sienna and Detective Zane in the hospital. The group of pre-med students was typical, but at least the characters had distinct personalities. Things started getting rocky when attention was averted to Alexander. At first he was an intriguing and mysterious presence, but that mysteriousness was all stripped bare as soon as he killed a gas station attendant. By that time, too much had been shown of the killer and my interest in him waned.

Then, somehow Alexander became like a ninja and was able to infiltrate the castle and soundlessly kidnap the kids one by one. This just seemed implausible to me and was pretty groan-worthy. The action then moved to the underground hospital and started to feel awfully like Hostel. Except that instead of people paying to torture youths, Doctor Hopkins had set up a kind of underground medical school. He had the victims pumped full of exotic diseases and gave them fatal wounds, then challenged his med students to keep them stable. Or he just ripped their organs and breast implants out to sell on the black market. An interesting concept, but it was never developed to its potential. Plus, this storyline diverted attention from the much more interesting Alexander (maybe by “interesting” I just mean hot, ok!), who was demoted from lead killer to the Doctor’s lackey.

With all these intersecting storylines things got convoluted pretty fast. There’s the story of Detective Zane trying to get answers from Sienna, then Alexander’s tragic past flashbacks, then the Doctor’s black market hospital and Sienna’s survival of the hospital. It just tries for too much and while the twist ending tries to tie up loose ends, it just fails. The ending might come as a surprise, but that’s only because it is so ludicrous.

Making things even more confusing was the editing, which jumps from past to present randomly and with little explanation. Look, I don’t need my hand held when watching a film, but the jumpy editing made things hard to follow and the film really should have been more streamlined.

Plus, who the F cast the kids who are supposed to be some of the characters as children in flashbacks?? Did no one notice they were completely different races than the adult characters? It’s called common sense and continuity, people, and the filmmakers failed on both accounts!

All of these problems may have been forgiven had there been any memorable bloodshed in the film, but the gore is all pretty typical. Well-done, but uninteresting. People who have been infected with a disease spew up black bile, limbs are hacked off, organs and implants are cut out, people are shot and so on, but nothing that really stood out to me. Perhaps I’m just a jaded horror viewer, but none of the gore in Sutures grabbed me.

Sutures is a forgettable film that lacks a cohesive narrative and an engaging story. It’s poorly put together and not even the gore scenes are memorable. To me, it was a very bland horror flick with few redeeming qualities. If watching horror flicks about organ harvesting rings is your thing, then by all means have at it. However, if you like your horror original, scary and gruesome, Sutures is not a good match. My body definitely rejected it (nyuck, nyuck!).

Available from Amazon!

Death of a Ghost Hunter (2008)

Ever since The Blair Witch Project there have been a plethora of “found footage” faux documentaries. Some are good while others are just groan-worthy. Can you guess which category Death of a Ghost Hunter falls into?

Death of a Ghost Hunter is about paranormal investigator Carter Simms (Patti Tindall) investigating a supposedly haunted house. The history of the house is that an entire family was slaughtered there, including husband, young son and daughter. Supposedly, when the mother discovered them all dead she blew her brains out because she couldn’t deal with their deaths. There have been reports of a haunting ever since this tragedy. The owner of the house, who has never lived there himself, tells Carter she will be joined by a few other people to help her document anything that occurs.

I wasn’t expecting much out of this movie, but the first half hour or so was actually pretty promising. We found out the whole cursed history of the house and one of the investigators (a 20-something church girl who was there to ensure the dead were “honored”) becomes especially affected by the surroundings. There is also a very creepy moment where the investigators discover something in their footage (a little hand gripping a doorframe and a small head slowly peering around – ya, it’s on the DVD cover) that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end!

However, this was the ONLY scary part of the film and the rest just went downhill from there. The other “ghostly” appearances were too obvious and the special FX looked lame. The best films make you believe something is there but either don’t show it or only show a peek, but in most of Death of a Ghost Hunter they show too much and it ruins the tense mood of the first part of the film.

Also ruining the mood were the many plot holes and plot inconsistencies. When the investigators found a bunch of incriminating photos I practically threw up my hands and said, “Right. Like the police wouldn’t have found those!” Or how the police couldn’t have figured out the killer from all the forensic evidence.

When the mood is ruined for the rest of the film I pretty much stopped caring about the characters. I thought the actors all gave okay performances, but their characters were written just kinda blah. A huge backstory wasn’t necessarily needed, but something that would make the audience relate to them would have been nice and perhaps make us care for them more.

To top it all off, the “finale” dragged on for far too long and really should have ended with the death of a ghost hunter (I’m not giving anything away, it’s all there in the title!). Instead, it was drawn out for another 20 minutes or so (all I know is that it felt like FOR-evvvver!). At this point I just wanted the movie to end, but it just kept going and going and going…

I will say that the “Jesus box” (a huge box with crucifixes all over it that is worn over the head and has an eyehole to see out of) used throughout the film and prominently in the end was pretty creepy.  However, that and the previous scare I mentioned do not make a good movie all on their own. This film was just riddled with too many pacing, storyline, character and mood problems to call it a good (or even okay) film. I understand the limitations of plot, but if they had stayed away from the cheesy ghost visuals (with the exception of that first scare) and beefed up their story a little bit and shortened the ending I think it would have made a much better film. As it stands, though, Death of a Ghost Hunter is a weak entry into the faux documentary subgenre.

Available from Amazon!

Uncle Sam (1997)

When it comes to 4^th of July, horror fiends pretty much only have one genre film to watch – Uncle Sam. I admit I am a little obsessed with horror films set during holidays, but for some reason I had never seen Uncle Sam. Once July rolls around the movie I usually watch is Jaws (which is only incidentally related to Independence Day), but this year I was determined to watch Uncle Sam…even if I got to it AFTER the 4^th had already passed!

Uncle Sam tells the tale of uber-patriot Sam Harper who is killed while serving his country in the Middle East. His body is shipped back to his hometown, where his nephew Jody lives with his mom and aunt. Jody worships his uncle and aspires to be just like him. Somehow Uncle Sam is brought back to life, dons an “Uncle Sam” costume and goes around killing any un-patriotic townsfolk.

While Uncle Sam is certainly a “holiday horror” movie and evokes the spirit of summertime and 4^th of July, it is a pretty awful movie. Now I understand why I avoided it for so long! From its inconsistent, silly and plot-hole filled storyline to its slow pace, the movie just isn’t that enjoyable. First off, when Sam is shipped back to his hometown his coffin just sits nonchalantly in the house for days! Who in the world just leaves a coffin in the middle of their front room anyway? Secondly, it never really explains HOW he comes back to life. One minute some kids are burning an American flag and the next he is at attention offing the juvenile delinquents. Also, characters, like a crippled kid, show up the last half of the movie as major players when they should have been included since the first half of the film! The film also moves slowly, there aren’t that many kills, and Uncle Sam isn’t scary.

I expected much more from director William Lustig (Maniac, Maniac Cop series) and writer Larry Cohen (Maniac Cop, It’s Alive, God Told Me To), but instead got a watered down, sub-par slasher flick. The one thing that Uncle Sam has going for it is its scathing political commentary, which was way ahead of its time. The Patriot Act didn’t go into effect ‘til years after Uncle Sam was released, but the film really feels like an indictment of that law and how it punishes people that are deemed “un-patriotic” for the silliest of reasons. There’s also a nice social commentary on the United States military and government.

Other than that, though, there isn’t much to recommend for Uncle Sam. It’s too much of a jumbled mess to truly enjoy, though there are a few entertaining kills. For example, the ridiculous potato sack race scene where a cheater ends up losing his head to Uncle Sam’s hatchet is pretty entertaining. Another well-done scene is a fireworks display where the mayor (or senator? I don’t remember) has his body covered in fireworks and mouth stuffed with explosives before being blown up by Uncle Sam.

However, two mildly entertaining scenes do not make up for the fact that Uncle Sam is pretty mediocre…not even the late, great Isaac Hayes (I cannot help but imagine Chef from South Park whenever I hear his voice!) can save this messy mish-mash of a film.

Next year I’ll just stick to re-watching the Jaws films instead of ever watching this weak supernatural slasher again!

Available from Amazon!

Red Mist (2008)

After loving Paddy Breathnach’s hallucinogenic and freaky Shrooms, I was excited to check out Red Mist, another film from the Irish director. In Shrooms, Breathnach combined many different horror tropes to create a very inventive and visually stylish film, something I hoped would be replicated in Red Mist. Breathnach does use familiar horror scenarios in Mist, but they are so cliché that the film is just a bore to sit through.

The story is about some stereotypical med students (the good girl, the goth, the bookworm, the asshole, the rich girl, the sensitive guy, etc.) who apparently think they are all still in high school because they pick on socially awkward stutterer Kenneth (Andrew Lee Potts). As in most horror films of this ilk, a prank goes horribly wrong and dear old Kenny ends up on a coma. No one wants to implicate themselves, so they decide to keep the secret within the group and not tell the police or hospital staff. The only one who seems upset over this decision and the overall situation is good girl Catherine (Arielle Kebbel), who feels somewhat responsible since Kenneth had a crush on her. She secretly pumps Kenneth full of experimental drugs that she hopes will pull him out of his coma…unfortunately all that awakens is Ken’s spirit and it’s out for revenge! Kenneth’s spirit begins taking over bodies and killing off the group one by one as payback for leaving him in a coma. Can Catherine stop Kenneth before she’s next?

I really wanted to like this movie since it was directed by Paddy Breathnach, but the more I think about it the more I dislike it. It just felt so generic and predictable, not to mention how silly the premise was. I mean, a coma patient’s spirit possessing others’ bodies and killing people for revenge? Really??? The story just kinda plodded along, and while the direction was competent the film just couldn’t keep my interest, especially with some gaping plot holes (since when can med students pick up any drugs they fancy in the hospital pharmacy?). The film tries to combine elements of a slasher movie, medical drama and possession tale but here the combo just doesn’t work. While the clever combination of sub-genres worked in Breathnach’s Shrooms, here it just feels trite and lazy.

Besides the snooze-worthy story, the characters are pretty unlikable. They try to give Kenneth a tragic backstory, but it never really goes anywhere and the opening scenes (which are quite horrifying and effective) are never really referenced again in the film. Plus, all of the other characters are stereotypes and even the final girl Catherine is bland, so there is really no one to truly root for. The acting varies from grating to annoying to tolerable, so it’s not like the actors make their characters any more likable.

To top it off, none of the deaths are memorable. One girl gets her head slammed multiple times in a car door, another gets her wrists slit open, one slams her head repeatedly against a mirror and stabs herself, a dude gets seduced and then gets Drain-O poured down his gullet, yada, yada, yada. Nothing to write home about.

The only positive thing about the film was the direction, which creates a surprisingly claustrophobic feel in such sprawling hospital. The lighting, believe it or not, is also very well done and while it’s not something I talk about in every film review I believe it bears mention here. However, technical details will not save a doomed film, and the fact still remains that there are better, more entertaining films out there besides Red Mist. Shrooms, for example!

Red Mist was a disappointing effort from director Paddy Breathnach. It’s just plain boring, too cliché and its premise is silly (but not in a good way). Furthermore it has shoddy character development and the acting isn’t what you would call Oscar worthy. It may have nice direction and technical details, but those alone don’t make a memorable film and already Red Mist is dissipating from my memory. Skip it.

Available from Amazon!

The Crazies (2010)

I’ve never been a big fan of George A. Romero’s 1973 film The Crazies. I’ve probably only seen it a few times and remember being very underwhelmed by the horror flick. I understand its message and significance, and while I appreciate a good socially conscious film, the original Romero film just didn’t grab me and was largely forgettable.

So, I wasn’t too excited for the 2010 remake, helmed by Breck Eisner (same dude who is in discussions to direct remakes of The Brood and Creature from the Black Lagoon…ugh, it never ends! He also directed an episode for Fear Itself). I saw The Crazies reboot when it was released on DVD last week, but it has taken me this long to write a review since the remake, like the original, left me feeling pretty “meh”.

A military plane crashes in a small Midwest town and releases a secret biological weapon into the town’s water supply. As people become exposed they become gravely ill, ultimately descending into homicidal madness. Soon, the military quarantines the town to contain the virus at all costs. Sheriff David Dutton (Timothy Olyphant), his pregnant wife Doctor Judy Dutton (Radha Mitchell) and a few other uninfected inhabitants attempt to escape, but who can they trust when anyone can be infected?

This remake doesn’t really try anything differently and is pretty much the same film as the original except it looks more slick and polished. It starts off pretty strongly (a man holding a gun stumbles across a baseball game, a mad look in his eyes, as Sheriff Dutton pleads with him to put the gun down – a scene you’ve undoubtedly seen in the trailer), but after the characters and plot are established the story begins to wear thin and the proceedings become pretty boring.

However, the film also has its positives. For one, the acting was pretty decent. Timothy Olyphant and Radha Mitchell do a good job as the married couple, though their chemistry felt a little off at times. And dang…Olyphant looks mighty fine in that police uniform! Joe Anderson who plays the deputy also gave a strong performance, especially towards the end. Everyone else in the cast did a good job, so not many complaints from me regarding the acting.

I also thought the special effects were quite good and the “infected”, with bloodshot eyes, sores erupting on their faces, their blank-eyed stares, looked great! There is a scene at a truck stop where a few groddy infected attack the Sheriff and his wife that is VERY effective and actually made me jump! The film isn’t gore-focused, but has its fair share of bloodshed. One memorable scene that comes to mind is the pitchfork scene where a “crazy” kabobs a victim with the implement.

Saying all that, I was still bored watching the film. A few good scenes do not a movie make, and while The Crazies isn’t a horrible, dumbed-down remake like most horror “reimagings” are, I was still managed to be let down. The story is just too familiar, not only because it’s a remake, but because we’ve seen virus/quarantine movies so many times before…and yet films like 28 Days/Weeks Later and [REC] actually managed to keep me from falling asleep while watching them, something I can’t say for The Crazies.

Saying The Crazies is one of the better horror remakes out there really isn’t saying much, and while The Crazies is better than most reboots coming out of Hollywood,  it still failed to entertain me.

Watch at your own risk!

Available from Amazon!

Night of the Hunted (1980)

I love Jean Rollin films – usually. Their dreamy imagery contrasted against shocking violence usually makes for a memorable viewing experience (see The Grapes of Death, The Living Dead Girl, etc.). Even the French director’s more subtle and “tame” films, like The Iron Rose) have a certain charm that I find irresistible. However, today I’m sad to report that I’ve found a Rollin film I just couldn’t get into – Night of the Hunted. While it still boasts Rollin’s signature style (the usual gratuitous nudity and gore), I found Hunted to be a disappointing, boring effort.

Elisabeth (porn actress Brigitte Lahaie) stumbles out of the woods onto a darkened road to escape…something. Young Robert (Vincent Gardère) drives by and picks up the disoriented beauty, who has lost her memory and can’t remember what she is running from or even who she is. Robert takes her back to his apartment in Paris, the obligatory “bow-chikka-bow-bow” happens (in a very long scene, I might add) and the next morning Robert leaves her there and goes to work. A man claiming to be Elisabeth’s doctor and his assistant kidnap her and take her back to a hospital housed in a towering skyscraper where she joins other zombie-like people who’ve lost their memories. Elisabeth vows to escape with Robert’s help, but in the meantime other patients start lashing out, with murders and lots of awkward sex occurring.

Sigh. This movie is more like a bad softcore porno than anything else, with not much attention given to other parts of the story. I was extremely bored during most of the film, even fast forwarding through much of it since nothing really happens. Elisabeth and other patients wander around aimlessly, have nervous breakdowns about not remembering anything, are raped by the staff (and one sleazy janitor in particular who has a painfully weird/uncomfortable rape scene) and are experimented on by the doctor running the hospital.

Gone is Rollins’ stylish imagery and replaced by a cold, institutionalized setting. Not even the gore is eye-popping since it is set in such a bland place. Sure, there is tons of nudity (full-frontal, both male and female), but the unattractive cast make it a chore to sit through and the sex feels vanilla, especially for a Rollin’s flick. The film just feels too sterile and constrained by its setting to ever achieve anything truly great and gets bogged down by a lackluster story and slow pace.

Not one of Jean Rollin’s best efforts, Night of the Hunted is only recommended for hardcore Rollin fans…and even then with trepidation.

Available from Amazon!

The Commune (2009)

I really wanted to love this movie, fiends, I really did!! First off, it’s written, directed, produced, etc. by firecracker filmmaker Lis Fies. I just love her spunk and attitude, especially when we interviewed her for Women in Horror Month! Secondly, it sounded like it was going to be an homage to the sleazy 70s satanic slashers where a creepy cult goes after a nubile young virgin. I love me some killer cult horror flicks! Thirdly, I had heard so much hype about this movie I was thinking there was no way I could dislike it.

Oops…I was wrong. Ultimately I was let down by The Commune.

Soon to be 16-year-old Jenny (Chauntal Lewis, looking, ahem, more than slightly older than 15) is sent to live with her hippie dad on a commune for the summer. The community of hippies seems pretty harmless at first, with their stereotypical Earth Mother worship, yoga classes and uber-healthy diets, but things take a sinister turn as Jenny’s 16^th birthday approaches. Does the commune want to turn her into a hemp-wearing flower child or do they have more ominous plans for her?

Technically, The Commune was impressive. As a director, Fies excels at making the film look like it had a much bigger budget than it did. The film looks sharp and professional and includes many establishing shots of the commune to give the audience a feel for its atmosphere. I liked that Fies took the time to set up different shots and compositions to make the film visually interesting.

Also impressive was the acting (even though some of the actors couldn’t pass for the ages they were portraying…ahem Chauntal Lewis!). Chauntal Lewis did a great job with the naïve Jenny. While at first she comes off as bratty and annoying, her character really starts to grow on you after a while. I also thought that Stuart G. Bennett did an amazingly job as the creepy Dr. Polieos, Jenny’s dad, with glances at his daughter that last far too long and leave you feeling very icky.

However, despite these glimmers of greatness, the film overall lacked a certain “oomph!” I was looking for and in the end was pretty predictable. The script seemed a bit bare and it seemed the film would have worked better as a short. Without very much of anything happening, the pacing was off and the film felt drawn out and slow. Besides a few startling moments the film had neither scares nor did it create a tense, suspenseful atmosphere. The characters seemed pretty one-dimensional as well, with only Jenny and Dr. Polieos fully fleshed out. I would have like to have seen more menace from the members of the commune and more development of their characters. I understand the filmmaker may have wanted to make them appear as “sheep”, but they all could have used more edginess in order to give the film more suspense. And portraying them as “weird” or “evil” just because they ate healthy and were “hippies” seemed like lazy and irresponsible screenwriting to me.

The Commune is supposed to be based on Greek tragedy with a 70s psycho-sexual slant (which sounds pretty cool, right?), but for me it just failed to deliver anything but yawns, something I’m definitely not looking for when watching a horror movie. The technical aspects of the film make me look forward to Lis Fies future work behind the camera, but I do hope she bones up on her screenwriting skills and conceives a less predictable story than The Commune.

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Shutter Island (2010)

From the previews, Shutter Island looked like another slam dunk for legendary director Martin Scorsese. It looked like it was chock full of chills and thrills, from the surreal sequence of Leonardo DiCaprio’s character holding a woman who turns to ash to the foreboding look of the island itself. It continues to top the box office and even the reviews for it have been mostly positive.

However, I wasn’t too terribly impressed with this ho-hum thriller.

It’s 1954 and U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels (Leonard DiCaprio) arrives on the high security Shutter Island, home of some of the most criminally insane patients in the U.S., to investigate the disappearance of a female patient with his new partner, Chuck (Mark Ruffalo).

As Teddy and Chuck get deeper and deeper into their investigation, twists and turns appear around every corner. The man who caused Teddy’s wife’s death is supposedly a patient at the institution, there appears to be some mad Nazi-like experimentation going on with the prisoners, a mysterious lighthouse stands guarded day and night, the missing woman either vanished into thin air or had help, and the patients seem to be cooperating with the doctors to hide something from the Marshals. Through all this, Teddy has nightmares about his wife as her death haunts him.

As Teddy uncovers more secrets, he starts to believe that there is a conspiracy afoot and starts to believe he will never make it off the island.

I had been looking forward to Shutter Island ever since I first heard about it, but after seeing it I can say I expected a little more from it. I’m not saying it’s a terrible film by any means, but if you can guess the big twist just minutes into the movie, it’s safe to say it has some flaws.

Before we get to the flaws, though, let’s discuss its merits. The first thing I enjoyed was the woefully gloomy atmosphere. From the dilapidated cells of the institution to the constant stormy weather (oh ya, they experience a hurricane) and grey surf that pounds the rocky island and drab clothing of the nurses and orderlies, the film just gives off a dismal feeling. And the cinematography – from the dizzying heights of the high rocky cliffs to the claustrophobic cells of the institution – is breathtaking.

However, no matter how pretty it looks the film starts to drag after the first hour or so. There also aren’t very many “scary” instances, though there are quite a few horrifying ones. One occurs when Teddy sees an old woman with only a few clumps of hair on her head as he arrives to the institution (see preview). There are a few other startling patients Teddy has encounters with, but not many. And if you hope to see more scenes like the one where his wife turns to ash in his arms (as seen in the preview) you can probably forget about it – the main focus of the film is Teddy and his partner digging for clues in the rain as to the whereabouts of the missing patient, and later, what the institution is hiding.

While Shutter Island wasn’t a bad film, I was expecting something a bit more complex and interesting from a Scorsese “psychological thriller”. Yet, Shutter Island didn’t really thrill me and I left the theater thinking “meh”. Am I glad I saw it? Sure, but would I ever want to see it again? Probably not.

Available from Amazon!

Open Graves (2010)

You would think that after so many horror movies, characters would know not to accept gifts/directions/help from creepy locals – especially if the local treated you like a stupid tourist one minute but is overly friendly and generous the next. Well, the dense characters in Open Graves have either never seen a horror movie or are just plain dumb, because they have no problem accepting a cursed board game from a local, even when it’s under suspicious circumstances.

You see, the game, entitled Mamba, is an ancient game made by priests out of the skin and body parts of a condemned witch. Anyone who plays it is subject to the game’s fickle cards, so if you die in the game you die in real life. The winner, though, will have the ability to have his or her wish granted. Of course, the characters don’t exactly know this when they decide to play the game one drunken night, but when they start dropping like flies, they realize that the game is causing their untimely deaths. Then it’s a race against time to try and beat the game…and ultimately cheat death.

I have to give it to Lionsgate, the premise of Open Graves sounded pretty solid on paper and the first few minutes, featuring the torture of the condemned witch and the creation of the Mamba game, had me hooked. From there, though, everything went south…fast. One of the biggest affronts was the “development” (or lack thereof) of the characters. They were basically portrayed as vapid, stupid people who only cared about getting laid, getting drunk and getting high. I know the studio is trying to skew to teen audiences, but c’mon! Just once I’d like to see one of these types of films feature smart, savvy characters. Also, the characters were supposed to be “international surfers” (the film is set in Spain) but never once did I see any surfing going on. I don’t know why writers Bruce A. Taylor and Roderick Taylor decided to stick that into the story, but it was another completely pointless shtick among many other plots holes, like the fact that the game was written in English when it had its origins in the Spanish Inquisition or the lame subplot featuring a desperate detective hunting down the game.

My enjoyment of the film just plummeted after the dumbed-down characters were introduced and I begin to notice all the plot holes. My interest deteriorated even more when I witnessed the poor execution by director Álvaro de Armiñán. Nothing in the direction stood out as making this film memorable. The most memorable thing about it was how close the kill scenes were to the Final Destination films. You know the set up – character enters a room/area where there are a bunch of objects made to look threatening, but the thing that kills him or her comes out of nowhere (like snakes dropping out of the sky…who the hell thought that was a clever idea?). Yup, Open Graves was chock full of these annoying scenes, and since they are so familiar, there was no chance of suspense or scares.

Speaking of the kill scenes, the final straw to this awful film was the horrible CGI they used for the truly ridiculous kills. For example, ridiculousness meets bad CGI animals when one guy gets pushed off a cliff by a firefly (I kid you not – and the firefly is kinda like the mascot for the Mamba game and it reappears throughout the film) and then is eaten by blood-thirsty crabs. Another example would be when another character has black mamba snakes drop out of the sky(!) and chase him through a lumberyard before he succumbs to their venom. Then there is the big “twist” of a finale, which again, is just ludicrous and features CGI on-par with a SyFy release (hey, what-do-you-know, Open Graves WAS released on SyFy!) that just makes you role your eyes and shout to the heavens “WHY?” The only outstanding death in the whole film was when a girl met her end in a fiery car crash and tried to crawl out while her whole body was a mass of charred skin still on fire. Nonetheless, this scene doesn’t make up for the atrociousness of the rest of the film.

Not even a phoned-in performance from Eliza Dushku makes this worth a look. Keep Open Graves closed and let this film rest in peace.

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Diagnosis: Death (2009)

The big selling point of Diagnosis: Death is that it features the trio from cult comedy show Flight of the Conchords (Bret McKenzie, Rhys Darby and Jemaine Clement) but fans of the show shouldn’t get too excited…each are only in the film for less than a few scenes and none of them play pivotal characters.

Perhaps a better selling point for horror fans is that the official synopsis compares it to Peter Jackson’s early films like Dead Alive and Bad Taste…too bad Diagnosis: Death doesn’t remotely live up to this comparison. Perhaps a more precise title of the film would have been Diagnosis: Zzzzzzzzz, because it nearly put me to sleep.

Teacher Andre (Raybon Kan) and student Juliet (Jessica Grace Smith), both with terminal disease, are both undergoing experimental treatments at a drug-testing facility, lead by the Nurse Ratchet-type Nurse Margaret Bates (Suze Tye). A side effect of the drug is hallucinations, but when both Andre and Juliet start experiencing the same sinister visions of a horrific double murder that may have occurred at the facility, they decide to get to the bottom of the mystery…even if it threatens their lives.

Diagnosis: Death does have its moments of laugh-out-loud quirky humor, but that is the only part of the film that actually rings true. The horrific elements of the film fall severely short, complete with stereotypical Ju-On/Grudge-type scares (a creepy kid, suicide/murder, watery footprints, etc.) and horrendously rendered “ghosts” (including a ridiculously out-of-place scene where ghostly skeletons are boning…ok, that scene alone might be worth a rental). I will say there are some disturbing scenes, including a hanged woman and said creepy kid hiding under a desk, but they were too far apart and the rest of the film dragged.

The film felt unbalanced and at times it felt like I was watching two different movies – a comedy on one hand and a B-horror film on the other – and it just didn’t feel like the elements of horror and comedy ever melded together to create a cohesive film. It’s a pity that the pacing and storyline were so off, because the actors all did a good job. The film is based in New Zealand, and I believe most of the actors are from there. Raybon kan and Jessica Grace Smith were great in their roles, though their age differences made things a bit awkward at times. I especially enjoyed Suze Tye’s performance as the no-nonsense Nurse Bates. And, of course, The Flight of the Conchords guys all did a great job in their brief performances…but seriously, we are talking mere minutes of screen time, so don’t get too excited.

Despite a few positives, Diagnosis: Death arrives DOA and unfortunately can’t be resuscitated with even the quirkiest of humor. Unless you wanna see a couple of wispy, CGI skeletons doing it doggy style, steer clear!

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The Canyon (2009)

What comes to mind when you think of the Grand Canyon? Wide, expansive spaces? Majestic views? Awe-inspiring vistas? Certainly fear and/or tragedy isn’t one of the first things you think of (well, I hope not anyway!), but the Grand Canyon has had its share of shocking deaths within its deep walls.

According to Wikipedia, “About 600 deaths have occurred in the Grand Canyon since the 1870s. Some of these deaths occurred as the result of overly zealous photographic endeavors, some were the result of airplane collisions within the canyon, and some visitors drowned in the Colorado River. Many hikers overestimate their fitness level, become dehydrated and confused, and must be rescued.”

The Canyon preys upon people’s fear of being lost in the wilderness and of nature in general. It tells the tale of city slickers and eloped newlyweds Nick (Eion Bailey) and Lori (Yvonne Strahovski) who decide to spend their honeymoon taking a mule ride down to the Grand Canyon’s floor. Problem is, they need a permit and permits have to be booked months in advance. They think all hope is lost, but then they meet weathered tour guide Henry (Will Patton), who promises he can procure the necessary permits and guide them down the Grand Canyon. Things start off well, but when they reach the canyon floor disaster strikes when Henry suffers a nasty fall off his mule and is bitten by rattlesnakes. Without their mules and no way to reach the outside world for help, Nick and Lori must find their way out of the canyon…before it is too late.

I’ll be honest, I was intrigued by the trailers for The Canyon. I thought there was a chance for the film, a take on the nature-run-amuck subgenre, to actually be good. Unfortunately, the film is as bland as vanilla and never pushes boundaries.

The best part of the film, the beautiful setting, is the most fleeting and ill-used. Sure, the characters are constantly surrounded by the towering canyon walls, but the Grand Canyon’s vastness isn’t quite captured. I wish director Richard Harrah and cinematographer Nelson Cragg had tried to make the titular character a bit more menacing and scary. It would have been nice to see the Grand Canyon become a character onto itself, but it became secondary to the other natural horrors experienced by the married couple.

Also, the script by Steve Allrich was painfully generic. The only thing that really stood out was the wily character of Henry (which also yielded the only stand out performance, by Will Patton). The characters of Nick and Lori were boring and I couldn’t really root for them because I knew so little about them. Plus, they make some truly bone-headed decisions (hey, let’s climb this cliff that goes hundreds of feet straight up! Hey, let’s not backtrack our steps but try to find another way out!). And, again, the biggest underdeveloped character was the Grand Canyon itself. It was supposed to be this formidable opponent of the married couple, but it really felt like the film could have been set anywhere and it wouldn’t have made that much of a difference. It really is a pity, because the Grand Canyon definitely has the potential to be formidable, but this film just didn’t capitalize enough on its location.

I kept waiting and waiting for The Canyon to become thrilling, but the moment never came. There were some shocking scenes (including a pretty tense amputation scene), but they never amounted to much. The Canyon is just far too safe and generic for me…and wasted a perfectly frightening setting!

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Offspring (2009)

I had highly anticipated seeing Offspring, another film adapted from a Jack Ketchum novel with the script actually being written by Ketchum (he also makes a small cameo appearance in the film). The other two recent films that were adapted from Ketchum’s work, The Lost and The Girl Next Door, were both disturbing and extreme, so I was really looking forward to what they did with Offspring. Unfortunately, I was left luke-warm with this film and feel it is the weakest Ketchum adaptation to screen to date.

Offspring has a relatively straight-forward plot…a small New England town and its rural-dwelling residents are terrorized by a group of feral cannibals that are descendants from a lighthouse keeper that went missing with his family in the 1800’s. They’ve been living in the wild on the coast of northern New England and Canada and eating human flesh ever since.

This being a Ketchum-based story you can expect all the usual nasty and uncomfortable violence aimed at women and children, and this film has it in spades. Babies and children get slaughtered, women get brutalized and most of the men end up as gory slabs of meat. There’s lots of gore and blood on display, but it’s never so over-the-top that it becomes memorable. In fact, the only real gory bits that were memorable included the opening scene where a drunken mother stumbles back to her home after a night out to find her babysitter and baby butchered by the group of the feral kids and another scene where a captive woman is “eaten out” in a horrifying way. Maybe I’m just jaded, but while the violence was non-stop it didn’t really resonate with me.

Obviously, this film has its moments of shocking violence (we are dealing with feral cannibals here), made even more disturbing when it’s aimed at or perpetrated by children, but this dark tone is (unintentionally) lightened by the ridiculous look of the cannibal family. From their bushy hair to their ridiculous rags that made them look more like they were emulating the Lost Boys from Disney’s Peter Pan rather than frightening flesh-eating kids. Big points off for making the villains more silly than scary.

Despite the silliness of the costumes, there was one actress whose commanding presence was very frightening, and that was Pollyanna McIntosh. She played the matriarch of the cannibals and her snarling commands and brutal force were probably the scariest of the entire film. It was definitely nice to see such a vicious female villain for once! While the other actors all did a decent job, McIntosh was the real standout. I also appreciated that the female victims were actually resourceful and fought back against their cannibalistic captors instead of just weeping in a corner.

Director Andrew van den Houten did a great job evoking that atmosphere of the isolated and deserted New England coastline. There were a lot of aerial shots of the rocky coastline and desolate forests to show just how a freaky-looking cannibal family and its decedents could survive without detection. I also thought the evocative and sparse score, by Ryan Shore, was absolutely stunning and really made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. If anything in the film created a foreboding atmosphere, it was Shore’s score.

Sadly, there aren’t many scares in the film, just a lot of gory cannibal scenes that quickly get repetitive. Sure, Ketchum throws in an estranged asshole husband into the mix and the ineffectual police, but the real focus is always on the cannibals vs. the innocent family. It just wasn’t enough for a full-length movie and the premise starts to feel stretched thin towards the end. The “psychos-in-the-woods” bit has been done to death, and this is just a slight variation on the Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Wrong Turn, etc. formula. There just isn’t enough originality and uniqueness to the story considering all the past and present inbred/hillbilly/backwoods cannibal movies.

Offspring has its flaws and definitely isn’t for those seeking something completely unique. Rather, it is recommended for Ketchum fans who want to see his work adapted to the screen and to those that would like to see taboos of children killing/children getting killed broken. Regular horror fans may be bored at the repetitive nature of the film and gorehounds will be disappointed by lack of memorable kills (though there are plenty of blood and body parts flung around).

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Seventh Moon (2009)

Eduardo Sánchez returns to direct his third film after co-helming The Blair Witch Project and directing his under-appreciated Altered. Like his previous films, Seventh Moon keeps the cast small and the action psychologically intense, creating an atmospheric film. Yet, Seventh Moon is probably my least favorite of Sánchez’s projects, hampered by unnecessary shaky cam and too much repetition.

Newlyweds Melissa (Amy Smart) and Yul (Tim Chiou) are honeymooning in Yul’s home country, China, during Hungry Ghost month. Every seventh moon on the seventh month the gates between the living and the dead open and the dead are free to roam the earth. Chinese leave offerings for the dead so they won’t enter their homes and play evil tricks on the. Melissa and Yul happily go along with the traditions, but don’t believe in the ancient legends. They have their driver, Ping (Dennis Chan), drive them to a destination in the country, but Ping gets lost and must wander to a nearby village to ask for directions. When he doesn’t come back, Melissa and Yul go looking for him, but find only live animal offerings tied up in the village’s courtyard. None of the villagers will open their doors and Yul can’t quite make out what they keep chanting. Sufficiently spooked, Yul and Melissa head back to the car and try to drive away, but after something dashes across the dirt road, they crash the car and must continue on foot as the spirits of the dead close in on them.

From the get-go Seventh Moon failed to really grab me. From Yul and Melissa taking part in the rituals and burning offerings in the city to when they ended up in the desolate countryside I just never got fully invested in the story or the characters. I appreciated that the writers, Jamie Nash and Eduardo Sánchez, tried something new and didn’t stick with a traditional Western horror story but I just didn’t enjoy how the story was executed.

First of all, the unnecessary shaky cam got really annoying really fast. Its use made sense in The Blair Witch Project, but I was baffled by its use here. Does Sánchez really want to be known as “that guy” who uses unnecessary shaky cam in all his films? I understand using it to put the audience “in the moment”, but its use here just distracted me from the actual story and took me out of the story rather than making me feel a part of it. Plus, there were several frustrating scenes where you couldn’t see what was going on. Perhaps this was the intent of the filmmaker in order to make it spookier, but to me it just made the film more frustrating to watch.

Second, the story was rather undeveloped and the film is basically just one big chase scene. Melissa and Yul flee from the ghosts, hide somewhere, the ghosts discover them, they run again, hide again and start the whole process over…and over…and over. Gets really boring really fast. And, of course, the whole “don’t trust country-folk” moral of the story is itself pretty generic.

As for the good, I really enjoyed Amy Smart’s performance as Melissa. Despite all her screaming, she was definitely the one in charge and kept a level head throughout the whole ordeal. Unlike some horror heroines, she didn’t just sit there and sob and rely on the guy to save her. Instead, she was the leader, crafted the plans and in the end faced off with the ghosts herself. Kudos to Nash and Sánchez for creating a strong female lead! We need more of these kick ass heroines in horror movies!

I also thought that the last scene in the film (despite the shaky cam used) was pretty damn heart-stopping, as Melissa is chased by what looks like hundreds of ghosts (you can see this in the trailer below, so, no, I’m not spoiling anything!). The ghosts themselves were pretty eerie, and Sánchez wisely kept them out of focus for the main bulk of the film. Their design was simple, but, boy, was it ever effective! I’ve got to give special FX company Spectral Motion props for making Asian ghosts scary again!

Still, despite the positives, the repetitive scenes and shaky cam movements spoiled Seventh Moon for me. A mediocre effort from Sánchez that stands in sharp contrast to his far superior earlier films.

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Sick Girl (2009)

Sick Girl is an independent production that I eagerly looked forward to seeing. I mean, how can you go wrong with a twisted and disturbing story who’s synopsis describes the crazy lead character as someone who “wants to f**k her older brother, protect her younger brother and torture everyone else out in her barn”?!

I was looking forward to a brutal characterization of a take-no-prisoners female character, but when I finally got around to seeing this flick I was pretty let down. It features plenty of disturbing and shocking imagery, but that’s pretty much all the film offered and therefore was devoid of any depth or real reason for even being made.

In Sick Girl, Izzy (Leslie Andrews) is left to care for her little brother Kevin (Charlie Trepany) after her older brother leaves to fight in the war overseas. Their parents passed away many years prior and the only adult in Izzy and Kevin’s life is big biker Barney (John McGarr), who looks after Kevin while Izzy is off terrorizing people. And terrorize she does – she blows away a random bunch of Catholic schoolgirls on a bus, teaches her brother’s bullies a lesson and even castrates a random dude. She’s got her own little torture barn out behind her house, where she brings victims she wants to get a little more intimate with. Yup, Izzy is a sadistic killer, but neither Kevin nor Barney has any idea about her crazy, murderous streak.

The film felt like it was made solely for shock’s worth, but hardcore horror fans won’t really be fazed by most of the violence in Sick Girl and more mainstream audiences won’t pick it up in the first place. It just feels like an unbalanced, pointless exercise in “shock cinema” that ultimately fails in the end.

The acting ranged from mediocre to pretty competent. I thought Charlie Trepany (as little brother Kevin) and John McGarr (as gentle giant Barney) did a consistently good job with their characters, but I can’t decide if I liked or loathed Leslie Andrews’ acting as Izzy. At times it felt like she was more wooden than an actor in a school play, but other times her far-away stare and sudden violence felt very real. Or was it the character that was really that disjointed? Either way, I am torn on Andrews’ performance.

I will say that I enjoyed the gritty, natural look of the film. The rural atmosphere, with its rolling fields and red barns, was a nice break from the urban atmosphere of most “disturbed killer” movies. The stark, empty setting complemented the emptiness and loneliness of Izzy’s character. Director Eben McGarr (who also wrote the film) perfectly captured the washed-out, naturally lit look of ‘70s exploitation flicks.

So, the film looks pretty, but what is it trying to say? That life’s not fair? That some of us just can’t handle the stresses of life and snap? The message definitely isn’t clear, and in fact the lead character of Izzy isn’t even sympathetic. Izzy is so f’ed up that you don’t feel sorry for her, and in fact, begin feeling sorry for her intended victims, even though they themselves are far from innocent. In fact, in her barn Izzy has tied up a horny teen, a bitchy schoolgirl and a sadistic bully. Her punishments for these predators turned prey include castration, rape with a handmade strap-on and allowing a starved rat to eat someone’s face off (while they are still alive). You end up feeling sorrier for these victims than for Izzy. And is she just trying to protect her family or does her violence extend to anyone and everyone? These guidelines are never really set up, so by the time the disturbing conclusion rolls around, you really don’t feel anything at all. There is no emotional impact, and I for one was glad the movie was finally over and that I never had to watch it again.

I love a good, shocking movie, especially when so many play it safe. What makes shocking cinema so good, though, are the underlying themes and ideas that really make you think long after you’ve seen the films and been bombarded with their disturbing imagery. Unfortunately, Sick Girl fails to accomplish this and just shows disturbing imagery for the shock value and nothing more. Which, to me, made it a displeasure to watch and very forgettable upon its conclusion. Sorry, Sick Girl, but I just wish someone had put you out of your misery before I watched you.

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The Last House on the Left (2009)

Another week, another horror movie remake. This time around, it’s Wes Craven’s cringe-worthy classic, The Last House on the Left (which is loosely based on Ingmar Bergman’s The Virgin Spring), being remade by director Dennis Iliadis and written by Adam Alleca and Carl Ellsworth. Wes Craven’s original is a gritty and shocking film whose disturbing subject matter should at least be experienced once (that’s as much as I could handle). The remake, while competently made, lacks the down-and-dirty look and intense feel of the original. It is among one of the better reboots out there, but if you look at recent remade films out there like Friday the 13^th, it’s not saying much.

Following the story of the original pretty closely, the remake tells the story of upper class family the Collingwood’s – doctor daddy John (Tony Goldwyn), overprotective mother Emma (Monica Potter) and 17-year-old Mari (Sara Paxton) – who are heading to their isolated summer house for a relaxing vacation. The first day there, Mari begs mom and dad to take the car into town to visit her friend Paige (Martha MacIsaac). They acquiesce, and Mari roars into town, looking to have some fun with Paige.

They meet twitchy Justin (Spencer Treat Clark), who invites them back to his motel room to get high. Once there, the impromptu party is interrupted by Justin’s dad and recently escaped convict, Krug (Garret Dillahunt), Uncle Francis (Aaron Paul) and Sadie (Riki Lindhome). Turns out they are all on the run after killing some cops and don’t want to leave the girls behind as witnesses. They drag Mari and Paige out to the woods, torture them, rape one of them, and leave them both for dead.

The quartet of killers seeks respite from a harsh storm in the nearby house of the Collingwood’s, not realizing that they are the parents of Mari. When the parents realize what they have done to their daughter, they seek swift revenge on the murderers.

This is a pretty cut and dry remake with just a few changes made to the script (well, and one big and glaringly evident change that you can see in the trailer). Nothing is really done to make it its own film or to make it a better film, period. I will credit the writers with not dumbing down most of the film (well, except for the dialogue) like other remakes, but they really should have risked a bit more with the script and written something different to make this remake stand out. Unfortunately, while it’s a well-made and watchable film, it is easily forgotten whereas the original will be seared in my mind forever.

As for the brutal rape scene, yes, it is graphic and seems to go on forever, but the rest of the girls’ tortures seemed easy and breezy in comparison. Where in the original film their entire ordeal was horrific and humiliating, in the remake it is the rape scene that is the most brutal. Why is this a problem? Well, with the rape scene being the most disturbing, all of the other scenes that are supposed to be filled with tension pale in comparison. The rest of the film is just easy to sit through, which made it rather dull. Even the blood-splattered revenge sequence, while ultimately satisfying (except for the SILLIEST use of a microwave this side of Microwave Massacre!), felt like it lacked viciousness.

Also lacking viciousness was the acting from Garret Dillahunt, who played Krug. He was about as scary as a box of kittens and didn’t have a glimmer of intimidation in his glare. As the leader, he was supposed to be the most frightening of the killers, but I was no way threatened by him and felt he did a poor job portraying a sadistic psychopath, especially when compared with David Hess’ unnerving original performance. Aaron Paul and Riki Lindhome did a much better job playing Krug’s thugs, Francis and Sadie, both giving creepy and menacing performances. I also thought Sara Paxton did a fantastic job playing Mari, with fantastic performances also coming from Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn as her parents.

The original The Last House on the Left was a fantastic social commentary on the paranoia of the changing times (Craven was inspired to write the film in response to the atrocities going on during the Vietnam War), loss of innocence, not trusting strangers, and a “what if” scenario to see what people would do when pushed to their physical, emotional and psychological limits. The remake sticks to these original concepts, but doesn’t realize that times have changed and these themes have been done to death and that perhaps new, more current ones should be explored. Therefore, it brings nothing new to the table and is ultimately a forgettable movie. However, I will say that it is much better than the teeny-bopper, bubblegum horror remakes like Friday the 13^th, Prom Night, etc. that the studios insist on putting out. If you have your mind set on seeing a remake, I would tepidly recommend this House…but not without reservations.

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Caesar and Otto's Summer Camp Massacre (2009)

Looking at the DVD for Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre, there is no doubt that the intent of the movie is to spoof such horror classics like Sleepaway Camp and the Friday the 13^th films. Now, there are many low budget films that try to spoof horror films – but few succeed in actually being funny. So, looking at the DVD I was wary about popping it in, fearing it would be painful to sit through. Not even the promise of it starring Brinke Stevens and Felissa Rose got me excited and the synopsis didn’t sound entirely promising:

After punching out the police chief’s mentally challenged brother, belligerent nancy-boy, Caesar, is on the run. Together, he and his slovenly brother, Otto, take on new identities as counselors at the strangely vacant Camp Sunsmile.

The summer camp has attracted a motley crew of Hollywood outcasts, each with something to hide. But when the mysterious Carrie (Felissa Rose, star of Sleepaway Camp) shows up, the counselors begin disappearing one by one.

Soon, Caesar and Otto find themselves on the edge of a summer camp killer’s blade as they run, duck and swoosh for their lives!

So, the DVD sat on my desk for quite a few weeks before I reluctantly decided to pop it in the DVD player. What followed was a slapdash, wacky and silly film that had its moments, but overall didn’t stand out enough for me to enjoy.

It is supposed to be a comedy, but many of its jokes fall very flat. I love when movies poke fun at the clichés of horror films, but all the jokes I heard in Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre felt reused and recycled. There are also lots of sight gags, including severed arms, chainsaw mishaps and Three Stooges-style physical humor, but none of it elicited more than a brief smile from me. No folks, I’m not dead inside but I require a little more than people getting bumped on the head for kicks, especially in a full-length movie.

The jokes weren’t all that funny, but did the film actually use some likable characters? Eh, not so much. The lead character, Caesar (played by writer/director Dave Campfield), is extremely flamboyant and his screechy voice gets on your nerves after a while…think Chris Kattan playing Corky Romano. I wish we had seen more of Otto (Paul Chomicki), the “gentle giant” of the pair, because he seemed entirely more interesting than Caesar and his bumbling personality. I did enjoy the character of the head camp counselor, played by Ken MacFarlane. His character was a bit on the fruity side too, but he put on a great performance. I also liked the character of Carrie, played by Felissa Rose, who is basically reprising of her role of Angela from Sleepaway Camp. It’s also a joy to see Rose again in a fun role that kinda makes us forget about her part in the atrocious Return to Sleepaway Camp.

As for the horror part of the film, it doesn’t offer much. While there is a killer stalking the camp counselors, the actual kills are done off camera and there is no over-the-top gore featured here either. Since the comedy part of the film doesn’t hold up, it would have been nice for some blood and guts to make up for that fact…unfortunately, this isn’t the case. However, I did enjoy the “mad scientist” lab at the end of the film and the killer’s ensuing explanation as to why he or she is so gung-ho about killing people.

Despite a few shining moments, Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre just wasn’t my kind of flick. Though for an indie it was very competently filmed, it lacked good jokes…I mean, how many times have we heard the one about the chick in the horror film that gets naked and then gets killed by the masked murderer? With these tired old jokes and quickly exhausting an arsenal of slapstick, the film’s hour and a half running length feels much, much longer than it actually is.

Overall, Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre was a disappointing effort for me. Though it is very well filmed, the slapstick humor just didn’t resonate with me and the film felt goofy but not funny. While it does elicit some brief smiles here and there, there’s just not enough fresh material to keep the film afloat for its entire running time. Perhaps it would have been better suited as a short film, but as a feature-length it feels drawn-out and never-ending.

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