Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl is another wacky, over-the-top and ultra-gory film from filmmakers Yoshihiro Nishimura (Tokyo Gore Police, Meatball Machine) and Naoyuki Tomomatsu (Zombie Self-Defense Force, Stacy). If you are a fan of zany, weird and off-kilter horror films drenched in cartoonish gore, Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl might be right up your alley!

Monami (Yukie Kawamura) is just your basic love-struck high-schooler mooning over the dreamy Mizushima (Takumi Saitô). She professes her love with a chocolate candy she presents him on Valentine’s Day, but when Mizushima bites into it he discovers it is filled with blood…Monami’s blood. Turns out she is really a vampire and wants to turn him so they can spend the rest of their long lives together. However, Mizushima’s current girlfriend Keiko (Eri Otoguro) doesn’t take the news too kindly…but after she confronts Monami she meets a bloody end (but perhaps not in the way you would expect). However, she is soon resurrected by her mad scientist father, who patches her together with body parts from her schoolmates and resurrects her as Frankenstein Girl. Frankenstein Girl then faces off against Vampire Girl in the final battle for Mizushima’s heart.

Ok, how can you go wrong with gore so over-the-top it’s comical, butt-kicking chicks, weird Japanese fashion, melodramatic high school angst, a Dr. Frankenstein mad scientist, vampires, geisha Frankenstein monsters, and some of the most seriously disturbing high school clubs this side of Sweet Valley High? You can’t, that’s how! Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl is a seriously strange film, but that’s why I liked it so much!

The majority of the film deals with the love triangle between Monami, Mizushima and Keiko in the setting of their high school. During this part of the film we meet the main characters’ classmates, including a group of Japanese girls pretending to be black (complete with extreme caricatures/stereotypes like big lips, Afros, gold chains, etc.) who run a black power club and another group of girls who belong to the wrist-cutting club. Both of these clubs and their members were so over-the-top that you just can’t help but laugh! It also pokes fun at stereotypical Japanese schoolgirl and gothic Lolita fashions.  Then there is Keiko’s dad, who at first appears to be a mild-mannered science teacher and assistant principal…however, it is revealed later that he is a cackling mad scientist who is killing off students to try to bring them back to life, Frankenstein-style. He even has a wacky costume complete with traditional Japanese robes, long white wig and Kabuki makeup. Again, another outrageous character you can’t help but laugh at.

The film carries this comical tone throughout, even during the gory fight scenes. The opening scene alone, where Monami battles three Frankenstein monster-like girls, sets the tone for the rest of the film because it is just so gosh darn goofy! Monami strips the skin off the girls’ faces and in the midst of it raining blood she neatly stacks the clacking skulls one on top of the other. The rest of the gore is equally graphic, but still humorous. And you can’t beat the final battle that occurs on top of a fake Eiffel Tower!

My one gripe is that the film focuses too much on the teenage angst and drama (even if it is in a satirical, humorous way) and we don’t get to see the Vampire Girl and Frankenstein Girl battle until the very end. Keiko doesn’t even turn into Frankenstein Girl until nearly the end, which is kind of a let down since this means Frankenstein Girl doesn’t get much screen time. And for being a vampire, Monami doesn’t spill that much blood with her fangs (no attacks on fellow classmates, for example), not to mention that she can walk in the sun (though too much exposure makes her woozy).

Despite these quibbles, I had a very fun time with Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl. While it is not as shocking as other extreme Asian films, its silliness definitely won me over. And despite its ridiculous nature, the film spills quite a bit of grue. If you are a fan of bizarre and outlandish cinema, I highly encourage you to check out Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl!

Available from Amazon

Zombeak (2010)

Zombie chickens are one thing, but how about zombie-chickens possessed by Satan?! That’s the general gist of Zombeak, a cheap but fun low-budget film. It is about a group of Satanists who kidnap a trash-talking waitress. They have plans to conjure Satan and have their master impregnate the waitress with the Antichrist. However, the waitress’ hick boyfriend, a gun-happy cop and her boss bust into the Satanist’s decrepit house before the ritual can be completed…but not before Satan has been summoned. Satan soon takes over the body of a sacrificed chicken and all hell soon breaks loose.

Zombeak is a fun, low-budget film. I liked how it wasn’t just a straight-up zombie poultry flick (we’ve already got the great Poultrygeist and Thankskilling for that!), but actually adds more dimension to the story by incorporating the Satanic subplot. And how can I pass up a film whose tagline is “Murder Most Foul”?!

I guess my biggest gripe with this film was the slim plot, which led to a lot of repetition. The flick is only 70 minutes long, but unfortunately takes 20 or 30 minutes to get going and get to the good stuff involving the Satan-possessed zombie chicken. When it finally gets to that point, I finally got engaged in the movie but the limited scope of the plot made me lose interest again.

However, I did like the schlocky feel of the film and enjoyed the characters, especially the trash-talking waitress as well as the Satanic priestess. Props to both actresses for their wonderfully spot-on performances! Films like this usually don’t have much character development, and Zombeak was no exception, however these two characters were the only ones I was really rooting for!

While the special effects are obviously low-budget, I thought their look actually fit well into the overall tone of the film. The zombie-chicken itself is pretty hilarious, but it works well with the goofy feel of the movie. Victims get pecked to death before becoming possessed themselves, and their makeup looked pretty cool.

The film is so over-the-top and shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Despite its issues with pacing and plot, I still felt that Zombeak was a commendable effort from those involved in this indie production. It’s a fun, nitty-gritty film that would be fun to watch with a group of friends and several frothy beers.

Check out Zombeak’s official site!

Ninjas vs. Vampires (2010)

From the creator’s of the cult smash Ninjas vs. Zombies comes Ninjas vs. Vampires, a fun independent film that boasts plenty of action, comedy and horror! Written and directed by Justin Timpane, Ninjas vs. Vampires is full of hilarious one-liners, lots of sword-swinging, martial arts action, spilled blood and even a bit of magic.

It tells the tale of Aaron, who moments after he is rejected by the girl of his dreams is attacked by vampires. Luckily they are both saved by mysterious ninjas. Aaron tracks down the ninjas for answers and soon becomes involved in the ninja vs. vampire war.

As mentioned above, this was a fun independent film of pretty high quality. It did have its flaws, namely some over-acting and cheesy effects, but its flaws soon became part of its quirky charm! What really made me dig the film so much was the witty dialogue, delivered by aplomb by the leads. The dialogue really made me care for the good guys and made me want to keep watching.

I also thought the action scenes between the vampires and the ninjas were really well-choreographed and entertaining to boot. Sure, some of the special effects involving fire, muzzle blasts, etc. were unrealistic-looking, but considering the low budget nature of the film I was willing to let these flaws slide. Plus, the martial arts/action scenes were kick ass regardless of the weak CGI.

The storyline was well-written, with enough exposition to help us understand the “rules” of the vampires and the ninja’s accelerated training. I also liked how they incorporated magic into the plot without coming off as cheesy. Timpane did a great job developing the characters and giving them distinct voices. I really dug the lead of Aaron, played by Jay Saunders, but all the characters were pretty likable. The only one I didn’t really like was the lead vampire, who just seemed a bit too stereotypical to me. The actor who played the lead vamp came off kind of wooden as well.

However, overall Ninjas vs. Vampires is a fun, action-filmed romp that was surprisingly entertaining. It had awesome action sequences, characters we cared about and an engaging and unique storyline. Want to find out who wins this war? Then check out Ninjas vs. Vampires to find out!

Buy it on Amazon!

Hack-O-Lantern (1988)

In my quest to watch every Halloween-themed horror flick I can get my hands on, I decided to give the obscure Hack-O-Lantern a whirl. This film combines one of my favorite subgenres of horror, satanic cults, with my favorite holiday, Halloween. What could go wrong, right?

The film opens with a young boy named Tommy as he is visited by his friendly grandfather on Halloween. Grandpa gives him his pick of pumpkins as well as an ominous looking pendant. Tommy’s family doesn’t like grandpa visiting his grandson and Tommy’s father goes after good ol’ grandpa to give him a piece of his mind. However, grandpa isn’t as nice as he seems…he’s actually the leader of a satanic cult and they dispatch Tommy’s dear old dad right quick.

The film then jumps ahead several years to the eve of Tommy’s 18^th birthday that happens to coincide with Halloween. Grandpa has grand plans for Tommy’s initiation into his satanic cult, but Tommy’s beleaguered mother pleads with him to reconsider. Also concerned for Tommy’s well-being are his younger sister and brother, who is a rookie cop.

With Halloween celebrations in full swing, a robed, Devil-masked killer starts murdering townsfolk. Can Tommy’s family stop him from joining his Grandpa in the Dark Arts or are they already too late?

At least the title got it right…HACK-O-Lantern is an apt title for this painfully silly “horror” movie. Good god, this movie felt like it dragged on and on though it clocked in at under an hour and a half. It had its entertaining parts (more on these later), but overall this is a serious piece of cinematic doody. The first glaring evidence of this was the ridiculous acting from Hy Pyke, who played Grandpa. Are all Satanist leaders this effeminate and non-threatening? And then we have the actor who played Tommy, Gregory Scott Thomas (whom you might recognize as Mac’s father on the hilarious TV show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Tommy is supposed to be nearing 18 in the film, but Scott Thomas is seriously mis-cast as he looks like a ‘roided out, 30-year-old jock rather than a young teenage follower of Satan.

Then, there are all the wacky and weird scenes throughout the movie. These are the “entertaining” bits I mentioned above. First is a seriously strange dream sequence/metal video that features an exotic voodoo-like dancer (check her out on the flick’s cover above) who, 1.) has multiple arms like a Hindu goddess, and, 2.) shoots horrible-looking lasers out of her eyes that zap the band members. This is a seriously WTF scene, but wait! It gets better…There’s the whole branding scene where nubile young Satan worshippers get their butts branded with a pentagram, another horrendous dime store metal band that screeches during a Halloween party that features random strippers and a five minute sequence of a “comedian” doing stupid impressions…of turkeys. Not to mention the amount of devil’s horns the characters throw around…except instead of the traditional holding up of just pointer and pinky fingers to hail the devil, the characters hold up pinky, pointer AND thumb…which actually means “I love you” in sign language and NOT “hail Satan”. Those silly satanists! Seriously, though, Grandpa, Tommy and other cult members throw the horns around non-stop…so much that you could in fact make a drinking game out of their appearances, taking a shot every time someone flashes the devil’s horns. However, you would probably be sloshed in 20 minutes…but perhaps that would be a better state of mind in which to watch the movie. Maybe if you’re drunk it would at least be kinda enjoyable.

Plus, there is the whole sleazy aspect of the film. We are talking random nudity (and not good nudity, it’s all low-budget ‘80s nudity here!) like the previous stripperella at the party mentioned above, plus a few non-sexy sex scenes. There is also the whole subtext of incest that pops up throughout the film. It is hinted that Tommy is actually the son of his mom and his grandpa. Yup, how ‘bout a big old EWWWWW from the audience, eh? I was half expecting that Tommy put the moves on his mom, but thankfully the film didn’t go down that road!

As for the kills? They were almost an afterthought and the only decent one worth mentioning is when a dude gets a shovel through his noggin. Yes, it is a low-budget film but the kills took a long time coming…too little too late in my opinion. It’s like the film couldn’t decide if it wanted to focus on the masked killer or the satanic cult and it ended up not giving enough attention to either. I also think too much time was spent on Tommy’s family, including his sister, brother and mother, instead of focusing on the supposed main character of the film, Tommy. The only time we saw him was when he was brooding in his room, listening to his crappy metal music and having weird dreams, or slamming the door in his poor mom’s face.

The ending had a nice little twist as to who the killer was, but by then I was really too bored to care. I watched Hack-O-Lantern for some fun Halloween thrills, but found it more of a chore to sit through. A film with a cool name like Hack-O-Lantern deserves to be somewhat entertaining, but this was more like Crap-O-Lantern.

If you are a brave soul, the VHS is available on Amazon!

Brainjacked (2010)

A runaway named Tristan is lured by the charming Laney to a secret underworld run by a neurosurgeon that takes in teenagers with no place left to go. However, he prescribes each and every one of them trepanation, the practice of drilling holes into a person’s skull to alleviate mental anguish and psychological issues. Tristan submits to the operation to stop his head-grinding migraines, but the doctor has a nefarious ulterior motive for the operations…he turns these teenagers into mindless slaves that do his bidding!

Brainjacked promised a pretty cool plot, so I was ready for something that combined sci-fi thrills with some good old fashioned gore and plenty of laughs…but I ended up laughing for all the wrong reasons. I mean, how are you supposed to take seriously a film that features a doctor with a drill in place of a hand?? You’d think the writers would capitalize on this silliness and make the film light-hearted with plenty of laughs, but unfortunately Brainjacked is played straight as an arrow.

And, you know, if it had any comedy (intentional, that is) at all it might have actually been a decent movie! Disappointingly, it’s actually pretty dull and doesn’t capitalize on the fun of a “mad doctor”. Not even the gory “drill” effects could save this picture from the doldrums. Plus, all the drilling gets old pretty fast.

The film could have also benefitted by a more experienced director and editor. Some scenes are way too jumpy (like the confusing and frenetic opening scenes) while others just drag and drag. Also, the narrative structure of the story definitely needs some work. I really didn’t care for the opening scenes and how Tristan is introduced to the audience. I also thought it was odd how Laney just happened upon Tristan that night and decided to bring him back to the doctor. A bit too convenient for my taste…

Though Brainjacked had an interesting premise, in execution it just failed to delivery anything but boredom. It takes itself too seriously when it really should have had fun with its plot. I mean trepanation, crazy doctors, teenage sex slaves and teenagers programmed to kill?? It sounds like it could have made a great B-movie had it lightened up a little. Oh well…when this film comes out at the end of August, I’d avoid it unless you have a trepanation fetish!

Available from Amazon!

Offerings (1989)

Good god…what the hell did I just watch? This bottom of the barrel offering (sorry, couldn’t resist) is an atrocious mix of awful characters, bad acting, threadbare story and weak kills. However, it is also (unintentionally?) hilarious, with characters who are trying to play Valley Girls over their twangy Oklahoman accents, a pizza party that turns cannibalistic and a hefty cop who likes to bust kids with boxes of porno mags in abandoned houses.

While all these shenanigans sound like a grand old time, they are assuredly not!

The plot is an oversimplified mix of Halloween and Slumber Party Massacre. It begins with a young mute boy who is not only abused at home (how ‘bout some cigarette ashes in your eggs, honey?) but also by the neighborhood kids. His only friend is a little blonde girl who stands up for him. However, one day the other kids “accidentally” cause the outcast to fall down a well…and after that he spends the next 10 years in a mental asylum because apparently he also killed his mother. When 10 years are up, our young scrappy psycho breaks out by killing a few nurses and returns to his boyhood home. To reminisce about happy childhood memories, you ask? Why no, silly, he’s returned to hunt down all the bullies that taunted him and regale his little blonde girlfriend with “offerings” of their slaughtered body parts like ears, a nose, etc. It’s up to Little Miss Blonde, her BFF and the corpulent sheriff to find out how to stop the psycho before he kills again. At least so that the icky “offerings” will stop. They are like, totally groddy!

Yeesh, this is one sorry excuse for a slasher flick! Of course the filmmakers themselves have admitted to making this just as an excuse to party, but why did they have to subject everyone else to this awful film?

Ok, ok, so it does have its moments of hilarity, unintentional or intentional. Take for example, the funny tasting “sausage” pizza the kids have at Little Miss Blonde’s house. It turns out the mystery meat is the other white meat…human! Yum! How sweet of the psycho to send the kids some snacks before their untimely demises! Then there are the obnoxious Valley Girl accents used by most of the characters…yes way! Or how ‘bout the little kid busted for reading (a box of) naughty magazines and telling the dense cop his name is “Ben Dover” before running away and flipping the policeman the bird? Pretty amusing stuff…

…However, the rest of the movie (like the remaining 98%) just plain sucked! The storyline drags, the pacing is horrible and it is just…weird! Like the scene where one of the kid’s parents are eating cake at 3 AM…it’s just feels so off and out of place! The kills are pretty absurd too, including a cheesy vice kill scene. All of the kills (and most of the movie) leave a lot to be desired.

Offerings is a pretty crappy movie that rips off Halloween, Slumber Party Massacre and numerous other slashers, and while I can’t really recommend it, it does have its entertaining moments. Be warned – these moments are far and in-between, so watch at your own risk!

Available on Amazon!

Witchouse (1999)

Full Moon Pictures’ films are always hit and miss (mostly miss, at least for me), so I had pretty low expectations for Witchouse. Like most Full Moon Pictures’ movies, it is low-budget, has no-name actors (except for Ariauna Albright and an ex-Red Power Ranger!) and has a plot that sounds ripped off from Night of the Demons. However, I adore Night of the Demons, so I can’t deny that there was a part of me really hoping that Witchouse was a hidden horror gem.

Well, Witchouse wasn’t the gem I wished for, but it still wasn’t THAT bad.

The plot is awfully familiar: gothy outcast invites kids who have wronged her to a party at an isolated, creepy house, conjures a demon to get revenge and pretty soon everyone is popping up as scrunchy-faced demons.

You are probably thinking you’ve seen this all before in better movies (which is exactly what I thought when the film started) because Witchouse is pretty much a lower budget version of Night of the Demons. It has some pretty bad acting and silly effects, but despite these flaws, it still manages to have that Full Moon charm!

Take the first killing: a couple is first to arrive at the creepy house and head down to the basement for some quality “bow-chikka-bow-wow” time. However, they are not alone in the basement and a silhouetted shape seems to glide over to them, eyes glowing green, before they are both impaled. The green glowing eyes completely sold this scene for me, despite the fact that it never happens or is referenced again in the movie! I also thought a scene where a potential victim uses a silver plate to reflect some bolts of electricity being hurled by a demon was pretty cool. The effects were certainly cheesy, but they reminded me of old-school horror movies, which gave me the warm fuzzies! Both of these scenes could be described as “bad” and/or “corny” by most movie viewers, but I found them oddly endearing. Charming scenes like this make this otherwise derivative movie worthwhile!

While director David DeCoteau is known for parading around male flesh, Witchouse is remarkable restrained in this respect. The few pecs he does put on display are amazingly refined, though, and there are a few instances of men running around in their tighty-whities (both which I enjoyed!). There is also restraint when it comes to gore, as most deaths occur off screen and the focus is more on the special makeup FX of the demons. They look okay, but nothing too special.

The story, by Matthew Jason Walsh, is pretty generic as discussed earlier. The characters and dialogue are both pretty bland, but one stoner couple is pretty hilarious AND the girl totally kicks a demon’s ass. It’s pretty sweet when she just cold clocks the demon and it goes tumbling backwards into a room. However, the rest of the characters are all pretty interchangeable and forgettable, so there’s not really anyone to root for.

Still, Witchouse has its moments despite its many flaws! If you enjoy cheesy, corny B-movies from Full Moon Pictures you should definitely check this out. Just keep your expectations low, drink a few beers and enjoy this Night of the Demons-lite movie!

Available from Amazon!

Uncle Sam (1997)

When it comes to 4^th of July, horror fiends pretty much only have one genre film to watch – Uncle Sam. I admit I am a little obsessed with horror films set during holidays, but for some reason I had never seen Uncle Sam. Once July rolls around the movie I usually watch is Jaws (which is only incidentally related to Independence Day), but this year I was determined to watch Uncle Sam…even if I got to it AFTER the 4^th had already passed!

Uncle Sam tells the tale of uber-patriot Sam Harper who is killed while serving his country in the Middle East. His body is shipped back to his hometown, where his nephew Jody lives with his mom and aunt. Jody worships his uncle and aspires to be just like him. Somehow Uncle Sam is brought back to life, dons an “Uncle Sam” costume and goes around killing any un-patriotic townsfolk.

While Uncle Sam is certainly a “holiday horror” movie and evokes the spirit of summertime and 4^th of July, it is a pretty awful movie. Now I understand why I avoided it for so long! From its inconsistent, silly and plot-hole filled storyline to its slow pace, the movie just isn’t that enjoyable. First off, when Sam is shipped back to his hometown his coffin just sits nonchalantly in the house for days! Who in the world just leaves a coffin in the middle of their front room anyway? Secondly, it never really explains HOW he comes back to life. One minute some kids are burning an American flag and the next he is at attention offing the juvenile delinquents. Also, characters, like a crippled kid, show up the last half of the movie as major players when they should have been included since the first half of the film! The film also moves slowly, there aren’t that many kills, and Uncle Sam isn’t scary.

I expected much more from director William Lustig (Maniac, Maniac Cop series) and writer Larry Cohen (Maniac Cop, It’s Alive, God Told Me To), but instead got a watered down, sub-par slasher flick. The one thing that Uncle Sam has going for it is its scathing political commentary, which was way ahead of its time. The Patriot Act didn’t go into effect ‘til years after Uncle Sam was released, but the film really feels like an indictment of that law and how it punishes people that are deemed “un-patriotic” for the silliest of reasons. There’s also a nice social commentary on the United States military and government.

Other than that, though, there isn’t much to recommend for Uncle Sam. It’s too much of a jumbled mess to truly enjoy, though there are a few entertaining kills. For example, the ridiculous potato sack race scene where a cheater ends up losing his head to Uncle Sam’s hatchet is pretty entertaining. Another well-done scene is a fireworks display where the mayor (or senator? I don’t remember) has his body covered in fireworks and mouth stuffed with explosives before being blown up by Uncle Sam.

However, two mildly entertaining scenes do not make up for the fact that Uncle Sam is pretty mediocre…not even the late, great Isaac Hayes (I cannot help but imagine Chef from South Park whenever I hear his voice!) can save this messy mish-mash of a film.

Next year I’ll just stick to re-watching the Jaws films instead of ever watching this weak supernatural slasher again!

Available from Amazon!

Blades (1989)

How did this little Troma movie pass under my radar for so many years? I mean, killer lawnmowers tend to attract attention but I don’t recall ever hearing about Blades, which, while it sounds like an ice skating movie is actually about a killer machine mowing down golfers at the Tall Grass Country Club.

When I stumbled upon this movie in my Netflix “watch instantly” queue, I just couldn’t pass it up! How could I resist a movie whose tagline is: “Golf – A Game of Hooks, Slices and … Slaughter”? Well, I couldn’t resist and settled in to watch this wacky and entertaining B-movie.

A series of gruesome murders is taking place at the prestigious Tall Grass Country Club. Golfers are being dismembered left and right, but with a live televised golf tournament coming up the owner refuses to shut the place down. Resident golf pros Roy (Robert North) and Kelly (Victoria Scott) set out to stop the murders, but are shocked to find that the culprit is an evil lawnmower out for blood. Can the pair of golf pros stop the killer machine before it mows down anymore unsuspecting golfers?

Blades is certainly not the perfect B-movie; for a Troma film it feels pretty restrained and lacks the outrageousness of most of their films. It also tends to drag in some places and the finale feels a bit stretched out. For a satire/parody it doesn’t quite go far enough and the laughs are far and in between (though I really liked the special ops caddies). However, I found myself enjoying the zany film, with its crazy ‘80s country club attire (think Lacoste polos, pastel- or neon-colored visors and high-waisted jeans…oh wait, I guess golf fashion really hasn’t changed!), random humor and its flesh-hungry killer machine (that looked more of like a combine rather than a lawnmower).

Even the two leads didn’t bug me (though they were a little bland) and Robert North and Victoria Scott did a good job in their roles as the resident golf pros Roy and Kelly. The rest of the cast was pretty hammy (intentionally, as this is supposed to be a parody of slasher flicks) and served their roles well (I especially liked William Towner as the country club owner Norman Osgood – “It’s on TV!!”).

Blades even has a sort of Caddyshack-like feel to some of their humorous scenes, and I half expected Bill Murray to pop up to defend his golf course against the ravages of a rogue lawnmower. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it “Caddyshack for horror lovers”, as I’m sure some reviewers have, but with the golf course setting and its zany humor it’s hard not to make the comparison. In reality, director Thomas R. Rondinella intended it to be a Jaws spoof, replacing the ocean with a golf course and the shark with a lawnmower. Yes, it’s pretty silly but it is also pretty entertaining as well! I especially liked the POV shots of the lawnmower stalking its victims through the grass and the fact that the leads got trapped on a broken-down van down by the river in the middle of the course by the lawnmower just like the people were trapped on a sinking boat at the end of Jaws.

Still, I felt the comedy in Blades was a little too restrained. With that you’d think they’d amp up the splatter, but besides a few shredded legs and various bloody body parts strewn about the golf course there’s hardly any gore in the film. Even a scene where a young caddy gets “eaten” and large sprays of blood arc out of the woods doesn’t satisfy because the blood looks so fake.

Sometimes you just have to take a chance on a film, and while Blades certainly isn’t a Tromasterpiece it still managed to entertain me. If you like your films a little bit silly and can appreciate the humor in a bunch of golfers running for their lives from a killer lawnmower, do yourself a favor and check out Blades.

Available (only on VHS) from Amazon!

Squirm (1976)

Killer worms…yup, you read that right. That is pretty much the premise of Squirm, a B-movie from writer/director Jeff Lieberman (Just Before Dawn, Satan’s Little Helper, Blue Sunshine). While this is no doubt one of Lieberman’s worst horror films, it still holds a certain campy charm and should be viewed at least once for its over-the-top and silly story.

From the opening scenes of extreme close-ups of worms screaming (yup…screeching their little tails off!!), you know you’ve entered campy territory! We are then introduced to the main characters after a huge storm has hit their backwater Southern town. They don’t know it yet, but lightening from the storm fried all the worms in the vicinity and made them angry little buggers hungry for flesh! Meanwhile, a city slicker named Mick (Don Scardino) arrives in town to visit his girlfriend Geri (Patricia Pearcy). Mick and Geri keep stumbling over dead bodies, stripped down to the bone, and Mick is determined to solve this strange mystery. He suspects his girlfriend’s next door neighbor, Roger (R.A. Dow) who just so happen to run a worm farm, and starts nosing around for evidence or clues. The townspeople don’t take too kindly to this outsider, so when he discovers that killer worms are behind the murders, no one believes him. It’s up to Mick and Geri to find a way to stop the flesh-eating worms, but will they be able to make it out alive?

Make no mistake, Squirm is an awful movie, but it’s also one of those so-bad-it’s-good flicks that make for a fun viewing experience if watched within the proper state of mind.

Let’s get all the bad elements out of the way – first of all, the acting is atrocious! The actors play the Southern characters completely over the top and, good God, their accents are awful! None of the actors (save for the guy who plays the Sheriff) were Southern and their terribly twangy and grating “accents” can attest to that! Besides the accents, most of the characters were just annoying and I didn’t care whether they lived or became worm food.

Secondly, the plot has lots of unbelievable elements (a dude from New York is really gonna come alllllll the way to a backwoods Southern town to slum it with a small-town girl? Really???) not to mention the silly premise of electricity turning worms deadly.  ‘Nuff said.

Third, the pacing during the first part of the film is off and nothing much happens until 45 minutes or so in…the first part where Mick runs around looking for clues feels more like a Scooby Doo plotline than anything else, and gets pretty boring.

Despite all these problems, a certain charm worms (I couldn’t resist) its way into the film. A surprising scene involving worms burrowing into someone’s face is pretty shocking and the scenes of a massive army of glistening, squirming worms invading a house are impressive and cringe-worthy.

This was one of director Jeff Lieberman’s earlier films and despite its campiness (intentional or unintentional) I am glad that he went on to film more straight-faced horror like the underrated Just Before Dawn as well as other “outrageous” horror films like Satan’s Little Helper. While Squirm isn’t his best work, it is still pretty gosh darn entertaining!

Go ahead and open this can of worms (sorry…had to be done!)!

Available from Amazon!

Hellgate (1989)

Hellgate has got to be one of the worst, all-over-the-place horror films I’ve ever seen! From the weird gags to groan-worthy jokes to the silly ghost/zombie/ghost town/magical crystals/revenge storylines that crisscross the mess of the movie, I was shaking my head is disbelief most of its running time. However, though there is no doubt this is a horribly bad movie, it still has a certain charm to it.

The film opens with a bunch of college kids on vacation who have rented a cabin in the woods. While they wait for their last friend to arrive, they tell scary stories, including the local tale of the Hellgate Hitchhiker. In the 1950s, a motorcycle gang kidnapped poodle skirt cutie Josie (apparently, poodle skirts use that rip-away technology that stripper clothes utilize!) and took her to the town of Hellgate. No one besides her dad tries to help her, which results in him killing her by accident. Years later, the father still grieves for his daughter but when a crystal is found that appears to reanimate the dead (and make turtles moo like cows or make the newly undead explode or liquefy passerby), he decides to bring back his precious daughter and get revenge on everyone. Josie now haunts Hellgate’s back roads and tries to lure unsuspecting strangers back to Hellgate, which has become a ghost town.

Meanwhile, it turns out the buddy of the college kids gets lost on the way to the cabin and is seduced by Josie (who strikes weird poses like she’s a newbie on American’s Next Top Model or something), but gets away right before her father zaps him with the crystal’s laser beam (I’m not making this up). He finally makes it to the cabin but convinces his friends to return to Hellgate in case Josie needs help. There they are greeted by the rest of the undead denizens of Hellgate…

This movie is flippin’ all over the place and from the first couple of scenes there is TONS to make fun of (Josie’s lame attempts at escape from the bikers, her black granny panties, the fact that no one helps when she is kidnapped, not even a guy with a big-ass shotgun (!), the silly scene where she is killed when a motorcycle crashes through a brick wall she just happened to be standing in front of – and this was only 5 minutes into the movie!!). The silliness only continues from there…some of it good (the banter between the college kids), some of it groan-inducing (ahem, the mooing turtle).

Despite its weird charm, the film still seems confused as to what it really is – sometimes it plays it straight, other times it plays it outrageous, and it tries to cram way too many sub-genres (ghosts, haunted towns, zombies, etc.) into its already silly story. For the most part it doesn’t work and I was rolling my eyes more than I was laughing or enjoying myself. However, this film is such a disaster I couldn’t look away! Its over-the-top nature (Zombie can-can dancers! Copious scenes of glass breaking in slow-mo! Tons of shots of Josie lying in bed pouting over the escaped college student while her nipple pokes through a huge wine stain on her dress! The crystal’s laser making things go all explody!) and straight-up weirdness kept me watching ‘til the bitter end.

Besides just laughing at the bizarre nature of the film, I will say that the zombie make-up, especially in the scene with the cars (these zombies can drive…but in this movie I guess anything is possible), is pretty kick ass. The scene itself, with the zombies starting to crowd around the college students, is one of the few well-done scenes in the film and really stands out against the rest of the trashiness of the rest of the movie.

If you are looking for a truly BAD movie to torture your friends and neighbors with that you can still laugh it, a good option may be Hellgate. At least you can have a few laughs in between the eye rolling and the exasperated sighs. However, under no circumstances would this ever be considered a GOOD movie! Thank god this was the last film for BOTH director William A. Levey and writer Michael O’Rourke!

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The Legacy (1979)

Always a sucker for ‘70s thrillers set in old mansions with an occult/satanic twist, I decided to check out The Legacy, a 1979 flick starring Sam Elliott and Katharine Ross. While it focused less on the occult than I expected and was set up more of like a murder mystery whodunit, I found myself enjoying The Legacy, creepy cats and all (more on this later).

The film is about Los Angeles architect Margaret Walsh (Katharine Ross) who receives a mysterious job offer from England. Before her job starts, she and her boyfriend Pete (Sam Elliott) embark on a bike ride through Europe, but trouble starts when an accident puts their fate in the hands of the wealthy Jason Mountolive (John Standing), who insists they recuperate at his sprawling estate. Soon, other guests begin arriving and Margaret realizes she may have been handpicked and brought to the estate to inherit a sinister legacy. As various guests begin dying off, can Margaret and Pete escape before it is too late?

As far as 70s satanic films go, The Legacy pretty middle-of-the-road. It’s not one of the best but it’s certainly not one of the worst. However, I appreciate that it’s not your typical satanic cult film and not a lot of emphasis is placed on the “black magick” aspect of the film. Instead, it focuses on the mystery of why Margaret is part of the proceedings and who is going to die next.

The story takes a while to get going, as the first 30 or so minutes are spent on Margaret and Pete exploring the estate and puzzling over the other guests and the rather unhelpful help. The “mystery” as to why they are there and why guests are dying is pretty obvious, but it’s still fun to watch them slowly piece it all together.

Of course, it has its WTF moments – like the horrible opening credits that feature the worst song EVER to assault my ears in a horror movie, or the copious shots of cats throughout the estate (which are never really explained, though I guess they are Mountolive’s or the Devil’s minions keeping an eye on things), or repetitive shots of Margaret and Pete driving round and round on country roads trying to escape but somehow always ending up at the estate – but it also hosts some neat-o moments. The first death, featuring a drowning in a pool, comes pretty unexpectedly and jars you awake after the somewhat slow first 30 minutes of the film. There is also a scene that occurs a bit later featuring a rock star (played by Roger Daltrey) choking on a chicken bone and an emergency tracheotomy being performed on him that’s quite well-done! And who can forget the reveal of Mountolive on his deathbed?

Sure, the gore is non-existent and some of the deaths are a little cheesy (especially the one where Charles Gray’s character burns to death), but director Richard Marquand (who would go on to direct 1983’s Return of the Jedi) does a pretty good job of delivering an atmospheric, not-quite-satanic occult/supernatural story. The use of the mansion, with its labyrinth of seemingly never-ending rooms and grounds, creates a creepy atmosphere as the estate takes on a character all its own. Marquand even creates a claustrophobic feeling, even with all that space, that makes the audience feel as trapped as the guests. And the ending just feels pitch-perfect in a dark, twisted way!

The Legacy is an entertaining, though at times cheesy, occult flick from the ‘70s. From the awful opening music number to the silly “sinister” shots of cats (yeah, WTF?!) this movie had me giggling most of the time, but it also had its moments of tension and shocks and was entertaining throughout it’s hour and a half running time. It may not be entirely memorable, but The Legacy decides a look at least once!

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Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2010)

It’s never a good sign when a director quits a production half-way through, which is exactly what happened with Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever. Director Ti West (The House of the Devil, The Roost) just didn’t agree with the direction the studios wanted to take the film, so he bailed on the production. He was never replaced and the film was completed without a director. Usually, this spells disaster for a film, but Cabin Fever 2 still managed to be surprisingly entertaining!

This silly and fun sequel bears no resemblance to Eli Roth’s great Cabin Fever (which, for the record, I love!). First off, instead of an isolated cabin the location has been moved to a crowded high school. Secondly, the tone is totally different. Gone is the tension and suspense from Roth’s flick as it’s replaced with funny gross-out gags and outrageous gore. In fact, it helps to think of this sequel as a whole different story, because besides the flesh-eating virus it really doesn’t feel or look like the original!

The film picks up right where Cabin Fever left off – Rider Strong’s character has escaped the cabin in the woods only to realize he still has a very short shelf life. Meanwhile, the contaminated water containing the flesh-eating virus is bottled in a plant and shipped off to the local high school, which is gearing up for their prom. The prom ends up being ground zero for a whole new epidemic as the teens meet all kinds of nasty fates while the military quarantines the whole school. Can anyone make it out alive?

While I expected this sequel to be downright awful, I was pleasantly surprised by its energy, quirkiness and gore factor! If you like gross-out gore shocks, you are going to love Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever! There is copious vomiting along with buckets of blood, sores, pus, infected private parts and lots of ooey gooey ickiness! The action is completely over-the-top and every few minutes I found myself saying “ewwwwww” or “grossssssssssss”!! It’s not easy to gross me out but this film definitely did the trick!

I also enjoyed seeing the familiar faces of Giuseppe Andrews as party-hardy Sheriff Winston and the brief appearance from Rider Strong, both from the original! Other recognizable faces included Marc Senter from The Lost and Noah Segan from Deadgirl. The characters weren’t too terribly annoying, and I was actually rooting for the lead characters!

It’s too bad Ti West walked away from this film, because it’s buckets of mindless fun! It may not resemble the original at all, but it sure is an entertaining way to be grossed out!

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Thankskilling (2009)

Horror fans don’t have a lot (if any) options when it comes to horror-themed Thanksgiving holiday movies. When Eli Roth’s faux Thanksgiving trailer was seen during the Grindhouse double-feature in 2007, interest in a feature-length Thanksgiving-themed movie only grew (speaking of which, Roth’s horrifying holiday vision is supposedly in the works).

Well, now horror fans have another option with Thankskilling, and independent production from In Broad Daylight Pictures being released November 17^th, 2009. Thankskilling comes off as a wacky Troma film, filled with bad acting, ridiculous situations, silly one-liners and hell, a talking turkey! You definitely need a sense of humor to get through Thankskilling, just like you need one to get through seeing your relatives during the holidays.

Thankskilling is about a group of friends that drive home for Thanksgiving, but inadvertently find themselves and their community terrorized by a talking, killer turkey. The turkey was resurrected 510 years after a Native American placed a curse on the pilgrims after the very first Thanksgiving.

Dear lord, I’m sure glad I was in a Vicodin haze while watching Thankskilling. This is a campy, over-the-top film that is completely silly and isn’t to be taken seriously. The best parts are when the turkey is on screen…he is completely hilarious! There is even a part where he skins and wears someone’s face a la Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre that’s pretty awesome! And take a look at some of the gut-busting lines he utters: “I’m gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce” after threatening one of the characters or “You just got stuffed!” after raping a character or the infamous “gobble, gobble motherfucker!”

The rest of the characters are all basically brain dead and are intended to poke fun at all the stereotypical horror situations. There’s the slob of a redneck, the nerdy bookworm, the jock, the slutty airhead and the Final Girl. The characters’ parents all play minor parts in the film as well, and I really enjoyed the silly Sheriff’s character!

Of course, some of the acting is pretty bad, but most of the actors are decent. I really enjoyed Chuck Lamb as Sheriff Roud and Aaron Ringhiser-Carlson as the redneck Billy. And whoever voiced the turkey was just brilliant!

Some situations are so unbearably stupid, though, that my disbelief was wayyy too suspended. For example, a dog peeing on the turkey’s grave resurrects him. Really? Writers Kevin Stewart and Jordan Downey couldn’t think of anything more creative than that to bring back the killer turkey? Or how unbelievably dumb the characters are in certain situations (hmmm if a turkey was wearing my dad’s face you’d think I’d notice!). I understand that this was the tone for the film and part of its appeal, but if you don’t enjoy horror-comedy hybrids that are this outrageous, you probably won’t enjoy Thankskilling.

For a low budget film, I really was impressed with the look of the killer turkey. Besides being hilarious, he also looked pretty awesome. I believe they used a puppet, and whenever he spoke it did indeed look realistic. The gory effects were pretty good too…I especially enjoyed when one of the characters ate the turkey and the turkey ate its way out through his stomach! The skinned face of one of the characters looked pretty realistic as well. And the turkey used an electric carver, a meat thermometer and other Thanksgiving utensils as killing tools! Unfortunately, there were some instances of CGI that were noticeable, but luckily these weren’t too numerous or distracting.

If you enjoy campy horror-comedies in the vein of over-the-top Troma releases, you just may count Thankskilling as one of your blessings this Thanksgiving. If those aren’t your thing, though, you way want to steer as clear of Thankskilling as you would dry turkey and nosy relatives!

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Strange Behavior (1981)

Strange Behavior (aka Dead Kids) is a little-seen 1981 horror film that is probably best remembered for a zany party scene where a bunch of teens are dancing up a storm to some god-awful ‘60s music that sounds like it was better suited for Grease 2. And, yes, the teens soon join in for a choreographed number that’ll probably make you gag a little. Still, despite this and a few other glaringly out-of-place scenes throughout the film, I found Strange Behavior to be a surprisingly entertaining flick.

In the seemingly idyllic burg of Galesberg, Illinois, it seems that things aren’t so peaceful. Kids are getting murdered left and right, and top cop John Brady (Michael Murphy), thinks it has something to do with the strange behavioral experiments going on at the local university. Brady seems to have a history with the scientist in charge of the suspicious experiments, Dr. Le Sangel (Arthur Dignam), only problem is that the Doctor is long dead (though he still “teaches” college classes via archival footage), having been replaced by his protégé, the icy Dr. Parkinson (Fiona Lewis). Still, the experiments have continued, but now the kids who volunteer for the mysterious experiments are turning out a bit robotic and zombie-like…

Meanwhile, Brady’s son Pete (Dan Shor) enrolls himself in these experiments under Dr. Parkinson’s care in hopes he can make enough money to cover his college application fees. There he meets love interest Caroline (Dey Young), who is a clueless receptionist that knows nothing of what goes on behind Dr. Parkinson’s closed doors.

Do the experiments have anything to do with the rash of murders occurring in the sleepy burg? Well, you can bet your bottom dollar they do, but can Brady get to the bottom of them before his own son becomes a mindless killing machine?

Strange Behavior was definitely a fun film to watch, despite its few wacky scenes and offbeat humor. In fact, its goofiness made it even more fun to watch! The party scene is classic enough, but there is also a hilarious scene where an older deputy is going through files and files of college transcripts to try and find a “fat girl” that fits the killer’s description…really, just watch it and you’ll understand!

The sly humor used throughout certainly doesn’t underscore the gore, though, and there is plenty to go around. People get stabbed, limbs get hacked off, a victim’s body is strung up in a field like a scarecrow, people’s heads get bashed and so on. Certainly not the goriest of films, even by slasher standards, but Strange Behavior does a decent job spreading some crimson around.

The story, written by Bill Condon (who would go on to write/direct Gods and Monsters and Dreamgirls) and Michael Laughlin, does have its plot holes, namely not entirely explaining why and how certain people were targeted to be killed. Were some of the victim’s random or were they all selected to be killed? This was never cleared up satisfactorily for me. Also, the pacing in the beginning and the end dragged a bit for me. The beginning had a pretty typical opening that didn’t immediately grab my attention. Then the end felt unnecessarily drawn out…and what was it with the cheesy wedding scene at the end? There were definitely some parts that could have been heavily edited. I never really did get the connection between Brady and his love interest (played by Louise Fletcher), who I guess was the housekeeper…that part of the story added nothing to the overall story and should have been dropped from the script. It’s almost if Condon and Laughlin were trying to cram as much as they could into the story, but I wished they had focused a bit more on the murders rather than unnecessary characters.

The characters, for a change from most slashers, are well-developed and stay away from most horror movie stereotypes. You really could sympathize with Brady and his son Pete as they both try to make sense of what is going on. The cold character of Dr. Parkinson is also developed just enough so you know that deep down she’s evil. You even get a feel for the secondary characters, like Pete’s best friend Oliver (who disappears halfway through after donning a scary and oversized Tor Johnson-look-alike mask at the crrrrraaaazy costume party) and girlfriend Caroline (who wears one of the ugliest patterned pant and jacket sets I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing).

Despite some flaws and a few wacky sequences, Strange Behavior is otherwise an entertaining way to kill an hour and a half. It seems that many people aren’t familiar with this diamond in the rough, either, but nonetheless this unique film just begs to be seen. Just promise you won’t bust out any choreographed dance moves while watching!

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Caesar and Otto's Summer Camp Massacre (2009)

Looking at the DVD for Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre, there is no doubt that the intent of the movie is to spoof such horror classics like Sleepaway Camp and the Friday the 13^th films. Now, there are many low budget films that try to spoof horror films – but few succeed in actually being funny. So, looking at the DVD I was wary about popping it in, fearing it would be painful to sit through. Not even the promise of it starring Brinke Stevens and Felissa Rose got me excited and the synopsis didn’t sound entirely promising:

After punching out the police chief’s mentally challenged brother, belligerent nancy-boy, Caesar, is on the run. Together, he and his slovenly brother, Otto, take on new identities as counselors at the strangely vacant Camp Sunsmile.

The summer camp has attracted a motley crew of Hollywood outcasts, each with something to hide. But when the mysterious Carrie (Felissa Rose, star of Sleepaway Camp) shows up, the counselors begin disappearing one by one.

Soon, Caesar and Otto find themselves on the edge of a summer camp killer’s blade as they run, duck and swoosh for their lives!

So, the DVD sat on my desk for quite a few weeks before I reluctantly decided to pop it in the DVD player. What followed was a slapdash, wacky and silly film that had its moments, but overall didn’t stand out enough for me to enjoy.

It is supposed to be a comedy, but many of its jokes fall very flat. I love when movies poke fun at the clichés of horror films, but all the jokes I heard in Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre felt reused and recycled. There are also lots of sight gags, including severed arms, chainsaw mishaps and Three Stooges-style physical humor, but none of it elicited more than a brief smile from me. No folks, I’m not dead inside but I require a little more than people getting bumped on the head for kicks, especially in a full-length movie.

The jokes weren’t all that funny, but did the film actually use some likable characters? Eh, not so much. The lead character, Caesar (played by writer/director Dave Campfield), is extremely flamboyant and his screechy voice gets on your nerves after a while…think Chris Kattan playing Corky Romano. I wish we had seen more of Otto (Paul Chomicki), the “gentle giant” of the pair, because he seemed entirely more interesting than Caesar and his bumbling personality. I did enjoy the character of the head camp counselor, played by Ken MacFarlane. His character was a bit on the fruity side too, but he put on a great performance. I also liked the character of Carrie, played by Felissa Rose, who is basically reprising of her role of Angela from Sleepaway Camp. It’s also a joy to see Rose again in a fun role that kinda makes us forget about her part in the atrocious Return to Sleepaway Camp.

As for the horror part of the film, it doesn’t offer much. While there is a killer stalking the camp counselors, the actual kills are done off camera and there is no over-the-top gore featured here either. Since the comedy part of the film doesn’t hold up, it would have been nice for some blood and guts to make up for that fact…unfortunately, this isn’t the case. However, I did enjoy the “mad scientist” lab at the end of the film and the killer’s ensuing explanation as to why he or she is so gung-ho about killing people.

Despite a few shining moments, Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre just wasn’t my kind of flick. Though for an indie it was very competently filmed, it lacked good jokes…I mean, how many times have we heard the one about the chick in the horror film that gets naked and then gets killed by the masked murderer? With these tired old jokes and quickly exhausting an arsenal of slapstick, the film’s hour and a half running length feels much, much longer than it actually is.

Overall, Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre was a disappointing effort for me. Though it is very well filmed, the slapstick humor just didn’t resonate with me and the film felt goofy but not funny. While it does elicit some brief smiles here and there, there’s just not enough fresh material to keep the film afloat for its entire running time. Perhaps it would have been better suited as a short film, but as a feature-length it feels drawn-out and never-ending.

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Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

Bloodhound balloon dogs. Cotton candy cadavers. Popcorn guns. Killer pies. Circus tent UFO’s. And clowns from outer space with a taste for human blood! These are some of the wacky gags you’ll find throughout Killer Klowns from Outer Space, but despite the film’s zany feel and Z-movie reputation it has many clever moments.

If the film’s title doesn’t give it all away, the movie is about killer clown’s from outer space that land on Earth and start killing any people they come across, wrapping the corpses in cotton candy! Two college students, Mike (Grant Cramer) and Debbie (Suzanne Snyder), stumble across the clown’s spaceship, disguised as a colorful circus tent. After discovering some cadavers wrapped in cotton candy, they run back into their small town to get the cops. Of course, the older, distrusting cop, Mooney (John Vernon), thinks the two are playing some sort of prank at his expense and blows them off. Only Officer Dave (John Allen Nelson), who is Debbie’s ex, believes them and sets off to investigate. Mike’s friends the Terenzi brothers, who own an ice cream truck, also join the fight against the clowns.

Soon, the killer clowns reach town and begin offing people in creative ways…with carnivorous shadow puppets, entombing them in big balloons and cotton candy, shooting them with popcorn that turns into slithering mini-clowns, hitting them over the head with giant mallets or melting them with deadly cream pies! Can Mike, Debbie, Dave and the Terenzi brothers save the town before they all end up in the funhouse or is it already too late?

Killer Klowns from Outer Space is arguably one of the silliest yet fun B-movies you’ll come across! Brought to corny horror lovers by the Chiodo Brothers – Charles, Edward and Stephen – Killer Klowns is more fun than a barrel full of drunken monkeys! The film’s premise is decidedly lowbrow, but despite its B-movie tendencies it has a comical charm to it that raises it a bit higher (at least in my book) in comparison to other ‘80s schlock.

What also makes it so great is its colorful set design. The Chiodo Brothers obviously had a ton of fun with the bright colors and carnival-like atmosphere of the film. Everything, from the red and yellow circus tent to the labyrinth of striped and polka-dotted halls of the clowns’ spaceship, screamed demented fun! And the design of the killer clowns was equally impressive. Instead of just featuring actors in clown makeup, the killer clowns wear larger-than-life, bizarre clown masks. While some might find the costumes more corny than creepy, there was just something unsettling about the clowns and their outrageous outfits.

Despite the menacing villains, there isn’t too much to be scared of in Killer Klowns. It is rated PG-13, so it’s light on blood and gore. Still, there are some entertaining kills throughout the film. There were decapitations, puppet and shadow puppet massacres, child endangerment, a Godzilla-like “boss” clown and so on. The real star of the show, though, was the creative use of circus props used throughout the film. For example, the clowns made a balloon animal dog, which they used as a bloodhound to track down people. And the use of killer pies, cotton candy and popcorn were all very entertaining as well. The circus/carnival theme was definitely used to its max!

Killer Klowns from Outer Space is one of the most outlandish and fun of the ‘80s B-movies. It’s got a crazy energy and a madcap imagination that makes it a cult classic in the annals of horror comedies. The Chiodos brothers definitely brought us horror fans a tasty treat with Killer Klowns!

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Frightmare (1983)

Not to be confused with the 1974 English cannibal film of the same name, Frightmare (aka The Horror Star) is the story of recently deceased horror veteran Conrad Radzoff (Ferdinand Mayne) who claims that death will be his best performance yet! The night after he is entombed into his specially constructed mausoleum (complete with a blinking neon star), a group of drama students break into the crypt and decide to take old Conrad back to their place for some partying! After a creepy dinner with the diners all wearing masks, they each take turns dancing with the corpse and one girl even goes to far as to smooch him! They put Conrad back into his coffin, but are too tuckered out to take him back to his final resting place, so they just put him in their attic and call it a night.

The next morning the cops discover Conrad is missing from the mausoleum and his widow enlists the help of a psychic medium to find out where he is. Turns out he’s in hell, but is hellbent on returning and getting revenge on the young whippersnappers that disturbed his slumber. His widow heartily agrees, saying, “Burn them! Burn them! BURN THEM!”

Having been summoned, Conrad rises from the dead and stalks the kids in the house, killing them one by one.

What is so interesting about Frightmare is that it tries to bridge the gap from Gothic-tinged Hammer horror (think fog-shrouded cemeteries, genteel-looking old men in Dracula capes, damsels in distress) with the kids-being-stalked-by-an-unstoppable-killer slasher formula. I liked the “classic horror” atmosphere of the film, but the slasher aspect felt a bit off. The story had some holes (a cop, who looks more like a mafia don, keeps popping up but doesn’t add anything to the story), pacing problems, awful dialogue (“We did something BAD!”) and the kills left a lot to be desired. Even though the result is a mixed bag, this seemingly strange combination of old and new horror styles makes Frightmare worth a look anyway.

The film was written and directed by Norman Thaddeus Vane and one good thing about his script is that he spent more time developing the character of Conrad Ragzoff than he did the kids’ characters. I felt much more empathy for Conrad than I did any of the annoying college kids, who exist mostly to get picked off. Conrad is one of the best things about the film, and the character is obviously an homage to Christopher Lee. Actor Ferdinand Mayne even resembles Lee and has the same kind of aristocratic air as he does.

Speaking of Mayne, he was truly a joy to watch in this role, especially in the opening scenes when he is still alive and in the videos he leaves behind for the funeral and those that appear to greet visitors to his crypt. Another actor to note in the film is Jeffrey Combs, who plays one of the clueless kids in one of his earlier roles. Most of the actors who play the college drama students don’t have much to do, but they all do a pretty good job of playing stupid and dying horribly. Even the “Final Girl”, just sits around and whimpers and only survives because she faints dead away at the sight of the resurrected Conrad.

As for the deaths, Conrad kills most of the kids with telekinetic powers rather than with his bare hands. One girl spontaneously combusts into a fireball, another girl gets squashed by a flying coffin, a guy gets locked in Conrad’s crypt as it fills with poisonous gas, another guy gets decapitated by a flying sword, and so on. The only “hands-on” deaths occur when a guy gets his tongue/jaw ripped out and then strangled, a woman gets her mouth stuffed with a wad of cash and another guy gets stuffed into a coffin and burnt alive in the crematorium. It was disappointing that the deaths weren’t at all gory (especially since at least half of the film was trying for that slasher vibe), but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. Instead, the film treated the deaths in the more restrained, classic horror tradition instead of going all-out like a slasher flick.

Still, there are some pretty silly scenes throughout the film besides the previously mentioned death scenes. One was the partying scene where the kids pass around Conrad’s corpse like he’s a party favor, which is so disturbing it borders on ludicrous! Another more “laugh-out-loud” scene is the over-the-top séance scene where Conrad’s widow and psychic medium are trying to contact the dead Conrad. The ladies put on such hysterical performances here that I dare you not to laugh! The film also features some god-awful music and sound effects that sound just like one of those cheap Halloween party CD’s, complete with howling and growling.

Frightmare has a lot of issues and I think it would have a lot of problems connecting with horror fans today. Still, it is an interesting little movie that tries to combine old-school horror with the slasher formula. Sometimes it doesn’t succeed, but it is still interesting enough to check out, especially if you love Gothic-tinged horror movies. Though Frightmare isn’t a “must-see” for all horror fans, those that appreciate both the old and new aspects of horror filmmaking may just find themselves enjoying it like I did!

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Chopping Mall (1986)

The ‘80s gave us a large number of cheesy horror movies, but only a precious few gave us killer robots running amuck…and perhaps only one gave us killer rent-a-cop robots running rampant in a mall! That movie, of course, would be 1986’s Chopping Mall (aka Killbots)! Love it or hate it, you can’t deny Chopping Mall’s high cheese and big hair factor, making it the perfect flick to watch when you don’t want to strain your brain!

Our tale starts with a mall employing three robots as their after hours crime fighting team. They are supposed to offer non-lethal protection from intruders (as evidenced by an infomercial-type film shown to the mall tenants in the first few minutes of the film), but when lighting strikes and fries their control unit, the robots begin killing people with their super-duper lasers, clamping claws and various other robotic implements.

That same night, a group of young mall employees have decided to spend the night inside the mall in a furniture store and PAR-TAY! When the killbots get loose, though, the slowly dwindling group must find a way to escape from the robots’ metallic clutches.

Chopping Mall has all the standards of an ‘80s horror flick – boobs, gratuitous sex (ewwww, I wouldn’t wanna be the person that ends up buying that sofa!), poofy hair, bodysuits, ‘80s dancing (to music from a gen-u-ine boombox!) and crappy special FX, including the pinkish-red lasers the robots shoot. It lacks much of a story (it IS only 70 minutes long) and the gore is almost nonexistent, but besides its low budget and high cheese factor, I found myself giddily enjoying Chopping Mall!

This feature’s claim to fame is an impressive exploding head shot that’s right up there with Scanners. Courtesy of one of the robots laser beams, an unfortunate’s head explodes just like the watermelons in Gallagher’s act do. Besides that, there sadly isn’t much gore in the rest of the film. We get a few necks slit open, a guy gets electrocuted, a girl is lit on fire, and so on. There is even one extremely weak death where a robot pushes the guy over the railing and he falls three stories to his death. Talk about anticlimactic…

Besides the disappointing deaths, the film’s plot is almost nonexistent and relies on the horny kids running through the mall and trying to get away from the killbots. And I still don’t understand how the robots moved from level to level. How the heck did they fit on the escalators? Still, when you just want to turn your brain off and enjoy some robot mayhem, Chopping Mall fits the bill perfectly.

It’s nice that writers Steve Mitchell and Jim Wynorski (who also directed) tried to give us a bit of character development in the beginning (ooooh new girl and nerdy boy really hit it off! How cute!), but this is all pretty much lost on the audience when the robots come out to play. The stereotypical asshole and bitch (who are also a couple…who says opposites attract?) die first, which was nice just so they would shut up, but the rest of the couples are just kinda “meh,” just leaving us to wonder who’s gonna be short circuited next.

Despite these detractors, if you have low expectations you can totally enjoy this cheesy ’80s film. I couldn’t very well take a film too seriously that featured Casio synths throughout the entire film! The fun part IS in its cheesiness, though!

So sit back, turn off your brain and enjoy! Don’t forget to “Have a nice day”!

Available from Amazon!

Rock N Roll Nightmare (1987)

In the cheesy headbangin’ horror movie Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (aka The Edge of Hell) we get to see Jon Mikl Thor in all his Aqua Net glory as lead singer Triton in an 80s hair band (see their #1 hit “We Live to Rock!”) They’ve rented a creepy Canadian (apparently Canada is “where it’s happening, man”!) farmhouse to get away from it all and focus on their music. Their record label even converted the old barn out back into a recording studio! Except, instead of headbanging the band members just want to bang their girlfriends/wives/groupies/each other. Well, we all know that when people go their separate ways in horror flicks it’s an invitation to trouble…sure enough, out pop some demons to take over the band members’ bodies…Why? Cuz that’s how they roll, that’s why. Soon, the only one left standing is Triton himself, who must face the big baddie of all demons…Satan himself. Triton’s got a hidden secret, though…plus, he distracts Satan by rockin’ nothing more than a studded speedo!

Fiends, I will admit to you (if you haven’t figured it out from the synopsis alone) that this is one pretty awful movie, but you just aren’t living until you’ve seen the pure ridiculousness of the epic final battle between Triton and puppets! The barely-there plot, meandering scenes and semi-annoying characters are all forgotten when Triton throws down in front of Satan. Of course, it looks like he is just fighting himself because he has to react to puppets, but that’s all part of this film’s charm!

There is just too much cheesiness to discuss in so short a time. While it’s nowhere near as zany as Hard Rock Zombies, it still has plenty of so-bad-they’re-good moments. Where do I even start? Well, first there’s the 10 minute long intro that consists of watching the band’s van drive up and down country roads. And if to reemphasize that they are hard rockin’ bad boys, they’ve got handcuffs attached to the rear view mirror…that way you know they’re hardcore! Next, I could go on and on about Triton’s ridiculous wardrobe – from a sparkly, metallic tuxedo coat to a polka dot blouse that’s about 10 sizes too small…but fashion doesn’t really make the movie, but it does give you something extra to laugh at!

As for what happens the whole hour or so before the epic final battle? People wander off and have boring sex, the band plays a few songs, more annoying songs are played throughout the film on the radios throughout the farmhouse, a gaggle of groupies shows up for five seconds (not sure what happened to them, but pretty sure they got eaten…hopefully) and, oh yeah, there are a few demon attacks here and there. There is definitely not much of a plot here, and most of the film just seems to aimlessly meander from one scene to the next.

As for the demons, though there are a few cool skeletal ones, the rest are mostly little puppets that look like one-eyed monsters (ya, THAT kind of one-eyed monster…this movie really takes the phrase “rock out with your cock out” a little TOO literally!). They don’t really look all that menacing, but more like adult Sesame Street rejects. As for Satan’s creature effects – he basically looks like he’s pieced together from discarded remnants of the ants in THEM! It also appears that he likes to fight dirty by hurling one-eyed puppet starfish at our hero (whose reaction to them is priceless!). The ensuing “epic” battle makes the performances in pro-wrestling look Oscar-worthy!

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare is a fun movie if you don’t expect too much. It doesn’t deliver much except a few good laughs, but sometimes that’s all you need for a good time! It is so ridiculous that it begs to be seen at least once by every horror fan.

RAWK!

Available from Amazon!