Sole Survivor (1983)

Sole Survivor is a little-known and underappreciated horror film that had obvious influence on the Final Destination series. When I watched it a few days ago, I was surprised that I hadn’t given it a look sooner, as it was a solid, entertaining film.

Denise (Anita Skinner) is the sole survivor of a deadly plan crash. The crash and Denise’s survival was predicted by a washed-up actress named Karla (Caren Larkey) that Denise is working with on a commercial. After the crash, Karla seems to want to warn Denise of some other imminent threat and her doctor warns her of “survivor’s guilt”, where Denise may experience intense depression and guilt over her survival. Soon, strange things start to occur…Denise begins seeing menacing people and is involved in several near-death accidents. Turns out that Death is after Denise and is sending the recently deceased to try to finish her off…

Sole Survivor is a well-made film that manages to maintain a sense of tension throughout its entire running time. It also has some pretty haunting images, especially one where we see Karla’s vision of Denise after surviving the plane crash. The camera pans over the mangled, lifeless bodies of the crash victims and comes to rest on Denise, still strapped in her airplane seat with a shocked look on her face. I also thought the creepy people that come after Denise were very effective, with their slack, expressionless faces and zombie-like movements.

The story combines psychological terrors with real-life threats in a very effective manner. Its story’s twists kept my eyes glued to the screen for the entire running time and I loved the downbeat ending and creepy last scene. Sole Survivor is an intriguing and entertaining film that you should definitely check out!

Available on Amazon!

Dark Night of the Scarecrow (1981)

Dark Night of the Scarecrow, a 1981 made-for-TV movie, has finally been released on DVD! This film has been called one of the best made-for-TV movies, so I set out to see how it has held up over the years. I was also excited to check it out since it takes place around Halloween!

The film is about harmless simpleton Bubba (played by the recognizable Larry Drake), whose closest friend is a young girl named Marylee (Tonya Crowe). Though Bubba is in his 30′s, he still has the mind of a child. Though he is perfectly harmless, a few local yokels, including mailman Otis Hazelrigg (Charles Durning), perceive him as a threat. When Marylee is attacked by a dog, the men assume Bubba harmed her and form a lynch mob to hunt him down. Bubba hides in a field dressed and trussed up like a scarecrow. The ignorant men find him anyway and shoot him. Soon after, they find out Bubba didn’t hurt Marylee but actually saved her life from the dog. They go to trial, but are acquitted of all murder charges when they plead self-defense.

Soon after, all four of the men see a scarecrow that looks eerily similar to the one Bubba was dressed up as when they killed him. At first, they believe that Bubba’s mother or the District Attorney or even Marylee is out to avenge Bubba’s death. But as they each begin suffering unfortunate “accidents”, they start to believe Bubba is back from the grave.

Dark Night of the Scarecrow is a very well-done film, especially considering since it was made for television! This release has been cleaned up and looks stunning – thanks VCI Entertainment! I really wasn’t expecting much going into this film, but I was really pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it. I especially enjoyed the “revenge” aspect of the film. No matter who was doing the avenging, whether it be the District Attorney, Bubba’s mama, Marylee or Bubba himself, it was just satisfying to see the four hateful men get what they deserved!

I suppose I was expecting a slasher-esque storyline with a killer scarecrow slicing its way through a small rural town, but thankfully Dark Night of the Scarecrow avoided this. Instead, it really focused on the unlikable, greedy and ignorant murderers. As mentioned above, it sure was nice to see them become paranoid, then scared, then eventually meet their end!

Since the film was made-for-TV (and aired on the CBS channel, no less!) there really isn’t any blood or gore to speak of. Those looking for a bloody slasher had better look elsewhere! However, it doesn’t need gore to be a good movie and therefore succeeds in other areas. For one, I loved the Southern Gothic feel of the film. The scarecrow costume was definitely creepy and the scenes where it is stalking the local yokels were appropriately tense. I also loved that it was set during Halloween. A few scenes are set at a Halloween party with revelers in costumes and the climax is set in a pumpkin patch, making this movie perfect to watch this time of year!

The story, written by J.D. Feigelson, was engaging and I was enthralled the whole way through. There wasn’t a minute where I was bored, despite the slightly slower pace of the film. In addition, the characters were well fleshed out (every single one of the actors did a fantastic job with their characters) and I liked the variety of characters Feigelson gave us. The direction was also well done by Frank De Felitta (best well-known for being the author of Audrey Rose) and never once did it feel like I was watching just a made-for-TV movie. Instead, the film had a very cinematic feel and no doubt could have been released in theaters and made a pretty penny!

Dark Night of the Scarecrow is a Southern-fried creep-fest that’s a fun treat this autumn! It is one of the few “killer scarecrow” movies I’ve seen that is actually GOOD and worth seeing more than once. This film will definitely become a Halloween staple in my house and I look forward to the tradition of watching it every fall.

Available on Amazon!

Hack-O-Lantern (1988)

In my quest to watch every Halloween-themed horror flick I can get my hands on, I decided to give the obscure Hack-O-Lantern a whirl. This film combines one of my favorite subgenres of horror, satanic cults, with my favorite holiday, Halloween. What could go wrong, right?

The film opens with a young boy named Tommy as he is visited by his friendly grandfather on Halloween. Grandpa gives him his pick of pumpkins as well as an ominous looking pendant. Tommy’s family doesn’t like grandpa visiting his grandson and Tommy’s father goes after good ol’ grandpa to give him a piece of his mind. However, grandpa isn’t as nice as he seems…he’s actually the leader of a satanic cult and they dispatch Tommy’s dear old dad right quick.

The film then jumps ahead several years to the eve of Tommy’s 18^th birthday that happens to coincide with Halloween. Grandpa has grand plans for Tommy’s initiation into his satanic cult, but Tommy’s beleaguered mother pleads with him to reconsider. Also concerned for Tommy’s well-being are his younger sister and brother, who is a rookie cop.

With Halloween celebrations in full swing, a robed, Devil-masked killer starts murdering townsfolk. Can Tommy’s family stop him from joining his Grandpa in the Dark Arts or are they already too late?

At least the title got it right…HACK-O-Lantern is an apt title for this painfully silly “horror” movie. Good god, this movie felt like it dragged on and on though it clocked in at under an hour and a half. It had its entertaining parts (more on these later), but overall this is a serious piece of cinematic doody. The first glaring evidence of this was the ridiculous acting from Hy Pyke, who played Grandpa. Are all Satanist leaders this effeminate and non-threatening? And then we have the actor who played Tommy, Gregory Scott Thomas (whom you might recognize as Mac’s father on the hilarious TV show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Tommy is supposed to be nearing 18 in the film, but Scott Thomas is seriously mis-cast as he looks like a ‘roided out, 30-year-old jock rather than a young teenage follower of Satan.

Then, there are all the wacky and weird scenes throughout the movie. These are the “entertaining” bits I mentioned above. First is a seriously strange dream sequence/metal video that features an exotic voodoo-like dancer (check her out on the flick’s cover above) who, 1.) has multiple arms like a Hindu goddess, and, 2.) shoots horrible-looking lasers out of her eyes that zap the band members. This is a seriously WTF scene, but wait! It gets better…There’s the whole branding scene where nubile young Satan worshippers get their butts branded with a pentagram, another horrendous dime store metal band that screeches during a Halloween party that features random strippers and a five minute sequence of a “comedian” doing stupid impressions…of turkeys. Not to mention the amount of devil’s horns the characters throw around…except instead of the traditional holding up of just pointer and pinky fingers to hail the devil, the characters hold up pinky, pointer AND thumb…which actually means “I love you” in sign language and NOT “hail Satan”. Those silly satanists! Seriously, though, Grandpa, Tommy and other cult members throw the horns around non-stop…so much that you could in fact make a drinking game out of their appearances, taking a shot every time someone flashes the devil’s horns. However, you would probably be sloshed in 20 minutes…but perhaps that would be a better state of mind in which to watch the movie. Maybe if you’re drunk it would at least be kinda enjoyable.

Plus, there is the whole sleazy aspect of the film. We are talking random nudity (and not good nudity, it’s all low-budget ‘80s nudity here!) like the previous stripperella at the party mentioned above, plus a few non-sexy sex scenes. There is also the whole subtext of incest that pops up throughout the film. It is hinted that Tommy is actually the son of his mom and his grandpa. Yup, how ‘bout a big old EWWWWW from the audience, eh? I was half expecting that Tommy put the moves on his mom, but thankfully the film didn’t go down that road!

As for the kills? They were almost an afterthought and the only decent one worth mentioning is when a dude gets a shovel through his noggin. Yes, it is a low-budget film but the kills took a long time coming…too little too late in my opinion. It’s like the film couldn’t decide if it wanted to focus on the masked killer or the satanic cult and it ended up not giving enough attention to either. I also think too much time was spent on Tommy’s family, including his sister, brother and mother, instead of focusing on the supposed main character of the film, Tommy. The only time we saw him was when he was brooding in his room, listening to his crappy metal music and having weird dreams, or slamming the door in his poor mom’s face.

The ending had a nice little twist as to who the killer was, but by then I was really too bored to care. I watched Hack-O-Lantern for some fun Halloween thrills, but found it more of a chore to sit through. A film with a cool name like Hack-O-Lantern deserves to be somewhat entertaining, but this was more like Crap-O-Lantern.

If you are a brave soul, the VHS is available on Amazon!

Alligator (1980)

Remember the urban legend about alligators running loose in the sewers? The legend goes that gators were taken home by overeager kids wanted them as pets, only to be flushed down the toilet when they became problematic. The gators ended up in the sewers, eating stray pets, bums and the occasional kid and causing general hysteria.

The 1980 film Alligator follows this same premise, but also throws in some nefarious corporation illegally doing cruel experiments on animals and dumping their growth-hormone packed corpses into the sewers. Well, this is all well and good for Mr. Gator (whose real name is Ramon) since he has a steady diet of pumped up puppies that cause him to reach 30 – 40 feet in length! Still, the hormones cause him to have an insatiable appetite, so soon he is roaming the streets of Chicago, looking for his next bite! Who is gonna stop him? How ‘bout a misogynistic cop with a receding hair line (Robert Forster) and a gator scientist (Robin Riker) who happens to be the same kid whose daddy ended up flushing the alligator all those years ago!

This entry into the “animals attack” subgenre is pretty entertaining, but it has some awful characters…they are so bad, in fact, that I was rooting for the alligator the whole time! First, it appears that EVERYONE in the film is misogynistic…NO ONE believes a woman can be…GASP!…SMART or a SCIENTIST! Every male character talks down to the lone female character (the alligator scientist) and she pretty much just takes it. The receding-hairline cop even tells her he isn’t gonna take her to dinner unless it’s guaranteed that she is gonna bone him…and when they finally gets to dinner he is a major ass (as if he wasn’t enough of one to begin with). The misogyny in this film is so annoying it pretty much becomes amusing after a while…and it’s just begging to have a drinking game created for every offensive remark made!

On the plus side, the film has an interesting anti-animal cruelty/anti-animal testing perspective. The corporation, CEO and flunky “scientist” that are abusing and killing animals in lab tests are looked upon as the villains (as they should be). I found it interesting that the film had such a strong animal rights message considering that the alligator is blown to smithereens at the end. However, I’ll take animal welfare messages where I can get them, and it appears that Alligator at least has some good points about the cruelty of animal testing as well as showing how unnecessary it is in most cases (in most cases, I’m not saying all, as this is a very sticky subject).

Also, I found it interesting that I was cheering for the alligator the whole way through. “Ramon” kinda became like a superhero during the film as he took down the bad guys (most satisfying scene: seeing the CEO of the corporation get smooshed!). I didn’t care about our supposed “hero”, the cop, or even the woman gator scientist. No, I just wanted to see Ramon slither away and live another day to take a bite out of crime! Sadly, he doesn’t survive…

For an “animals attack” film, I sure don’t recall that much blood…there’s one memorable scene at the beginning where an alligator wrangler (you know, those guys in the swamp who put on shows for crowds, opening gators’ mouths, wrestling them, etc.) gets his leg bitten off, but from there the gator manglings all kinda blur together. Even the satisfying scene where the CEO gets his due isn’t all that bloody. However, I will say that the alligator looks great! Or maybe I was too distracted by the misogynistic cracks to notice…Anywho, director Lewis Teague used both an animatronic, mechanical alligator (which often malfunctioned) as well as a regular sized alligator in miniature sets. Though sometimes it was obvious, I think it still looked great nonetheless!

Alligator is a pretty decent “animals attack” horror film. If you can get past the annoying characters, misogyny and lack of gore, definitely check it out. If you don’t think you’ll like it, check it out anyway and just make a drinking game out of all the misogyny that occurs!

Salud!

Available from Amazon!

Offerings (1989)

Good god…what the hell did I just watch? This bottom of the barrel offering (sorry, couldn’t resist) is an atrocious mix of awful characters, bad acting, threadbare story and weak kills. However, it is also (unintentionally?) hilarious, with characters who are trying to play Valley Girls over their twangy Oklahoman accents, a pizza party that turns cannibalistic and a hefty cop who likes to bust kids with boxes of porno mags in abandoned houses.

While all these shenanigans sound like a grand old time, they are assuredly not!

The plot is an oversimplified mix of Halloween and Slumber Party Massacre. It begins with a young mute boy who is not only abused at home (how ‘bout some cigarette ashes in your eggs, honey?) but also by the neighborhood kids. His only friend is a little blonde girl who stands up for him. However, one day the other kids “accidentally” cause the outcast to fall down a well…and after that he spends the next 10 years in a mental asylum because apparently he also killed his mother. When 10 years are up, our young scrappy psycho breaks out by killing a few nurses and returns to his boyhood home. To reminisce about happy childhood memories, you ask? Why no, silly, he’s returned to hunt down all the bullies that taunted him and regale his little blonde girlfriend with “offerings” of their slaughtered body parts like ears, a nose, etc. It’s up to Little Miss Blonde, her BFF and the corpulent sheriff to find out how to stop the psycho before he kills again. At least so that the icky “offerings” will stop. They are like, totally groddy!

Yeesh, this is one sorry excuse for a slasher flick! Of course the filmmakers themselves have admitted to making this just as an excuse to party, but why did they have to subject everyone else to this awful film?

Ok, ok, so it does have its moments of hilarity, unintentional or intentional. Take for example, the funny tasting “sausage” pizza the kids have at Little Miss Blonde’s house. It turns out the mystery meat is the other white meat…human! Yum! How sweet of the psycho to send the kids some snacks before their untimely demises! Then there are the obnoxious Valley Girl accents used by most of the characters…yes way! Or how ‘bout the little kid busted for reading (a box of) naughty magazines and telling the dense cop his name is “Ben Dover” before running away and flipping the policeman the bird? Pretty amusing stuff…

…However, the rest of the movie (like the remaining 98%) just plain sucked! The storyline drags, the pacing is horrible and it is just…weird! Like the scene where one of the kid’s parents are eating cake at 3 AM…it’s just feels so off and out of place! The kills are pretty absurd too, including a cheesy vice kill scene. All of the kills (and most of the movie) leave a lot to be desired.

Offerings is a pretty crappy movie that rips off Halloween, Slumber Party Massacre and numerous other slashers, and while I can’t really recommend it, it does have its entertaining moments. Be warned – these moments are far and in-between, so watch at your own risk!

Available on Amazon!

Screamplay (1985)

Screamplay has got to be one of the most unique films I’ve ever seen. It is filmed like a washed-out, grainy black and white movie from the silent era mixed with sparse, geometric set design of German Expressionism and all pulled together by a murder mystery. I’m surprised more people don’t know about this film because it’s a very creative and mesmerizing effort from filmmaker (he co-wrote, directed, edited, did the visual effects, etc. for the whole film) and actor (he also plays the lead!) Rufus Butler Seder.

It has been released by Troma, the only studio that would pick up the film (originally, New Line expressed interest but pulled out when the film received a bad review from the Boston Film Festival). However, it is definitely not a “typical” Troma blood and boobs B-movie and I don’t think it was fairly marketed back during its release. So since then, the film has pretty much languished in obscurity…

I happened to chance upon it while browsing through Netflix and decided to give it a shot. The premise sounded pretty interesting:

“Aspiring screenwriter Edgar Allen (Rufus B. Seder) works as a janitor for room and board at the Welcome Apartments, a run-down building filled with freaky characters and bizarre plot twists that wriggle their way into Edgar’s horror movie script. Reality blurs with Edgar’s vivid imagination, driving him into a state of creative madness.”

So, I decided to give the film a whirl and had no idea how intriguing it would turn out to be…however, within the first few moments of seeing the simple sets and stark black and white film I was hooked. Screamplay has its faults and isn’t the best film out there, but its artistic merit more than makes up for its few problems.

Let me just say that I love the story (ok, that’s not a problem, but give me a minute…), written by Ed Greenberg and Seder! Basically, the writer’s creations on the page on coming to life and all the murders look like he perpetrated them. Great premise, right? Right. However, the interactions between characters feel a bit stilted and the dialogue doesn’t really grab you, causing the pace to drag at times. Even Seder admitted his film was “kinda boring” and that “When it gets to the point where the actors are acting, just sitting talking in a room, the scene pretty much goes dead” (from an excellent Movieline article on the film).

However, the film does have some very memorable lines (“You f*cked Karloff?!”), kooky, well-written characters and a storyline that speaks to every struggling creative talent in Hollyweird. In fact, anyone who has ever had any experience with the fickle entertainment industry can appreciate the many clever jabs the film makes at the expense of “the industry”.

The film’s biggest draw besides its fun storyline is its aesthetic. Filmed in washed-out black and white, with the appropriate scratches added to make it look even more vintage, the film reminded me of silent classics like Nosferatu or The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. In fact, the sparse, simple and inexpensive (they used Plexiglas to mimic a pool) sets, with their sharp corners and minimalist decoration, tended to echo German Expressionist films like Caligari. In short, the visuals of the film were entirely mesmerizing and Seder did an astounding job with the art direction (yup, another task he took on!).

Further cementing the comparison to silent films were the melodramatic performances from the oddball characters that included a sleazy landlord (played by underground film legend George Kuchar), an aging but lustful actress, a starlet, a prophetic ex-rock star and a couple of noir-like gumshoes tracking down the killer. I especially liked Seder’s performance of the manic screenwriter, who looks like he would fit perfectly with any of the silent film stars with his over-exaggerated facial expressions!

Though Screamplay won’t be a film everyone will enjoy, those that appreciate a good surrealist slasher with silent film-like aesthetics will no doubt fall in love with the underrated and little-know Screamplay. Go check it out!

Available on Amazon!

Silver Bullet (1985)

Ah, the nostalgia that a Stephen King work brings to me…his stories remind me of being in elementary school and devouring his novels. Of course, it also helped that I could identify with many of his characters, who were usually around my age in the books. I remember reading IT and then enjoying the movie on VHS (remember how it came with two VHS tapes since its 3 hour length couldn’t all fit on one?). Even though I didn’t really dig the ending of the film I loved the story and at the time was obsessed with actor Jonathan Brandis, so I pretty much wore out those VHS tapes. I enjoyed many of King’s other books and subsequent adaptations, but one (short) story I never read was Cycle of the Werewolf, which Silver Bullet is based on.

Silver Bullet is about young, wheelchair-bound Marty (Corey Haim) who lives in a small town with his family, including mom, dad, older sister and crazy Uncle Red (Gary Busey). He spends his days tormenting his older sister, hanging out with his best friend and best girl and tooling around in a tricked out wheelchair, courtesy of Uncle Red.

That is, until one day in May when the moon is full and the killings start. Townsfolk are being ripped to shreds but no one has any idea who (or what) the killer is. Every month when the moon is full the killings start again…

When the killer murders Marty’s best pal, drives his best girl and her family out of town and causes the town to cancel some firework festivities, he decides to take matters into his own hands…especially once he discovers exactly who and what the killer is. After convincing his older sister and Uncle Red, the three of them make one final stand against the monster on Halloween night.

Silver Bullet is a pretty decent Stephen King adaptation and a good werewolf film to boot! I really enjoyed how the main character was a kid and how this gave the film a sweet, nostalgic feel. The film may be rated R (there is lots of cussing and some gore), but I think it’s pretty kid-friendly and Marty is an extremely likable character you can root for all the way through. If you’re a kid you will have no problem relating to Marty and all the adventures he has (disabled or not) and if you’re an adult you’ll blissfully remember those carefree days as a kid (minus the werewolf…at least I hope so).

Corey Haim as Marty is the absolute star of the film and does a fantastic job in his role. His talent definitely shines through in this film and really makes you realize what a great actor we lost. Gary Busey is his usual scenery-chewing self in the film, but his boisterous Uncle Red gives the film a pleasant manic edge. And he’s got some of the most hilarious lines in the film (“Holy jumped-up bald-headed Jesus palomino!”). 

The film does have a few instances of bloodshed (victims getting diced and sliced, some ocular horror, etc.) but gore is not the focus of the film, so don’t go in expecting too much (it’s kid-friendly horror, remember?). However, I did like the impressive werewolf transformation scenes, especially one set in the church. Sure, some of the prosthetics look a little rubbery or fake, but at least all practical effects are used…and I was expecting much less out of the film!

Silver Bullet is a fun and entertaining werewolf film that is definitely worth viewing. Haim and Busey’s performances give the film bite, but it’s also King’s nostalgic tone and the practical effects that make this underrated flick a must-see for all Stephen King and horror fans.

Buy it on Amazon!

Blades (1989)

How did this little Troma movie pass under my radar for so many years? I mean, killer lawnmowers tend to attract attention but I don’t recall ever hearing about Blades, which, while it sounds like an ice skating movie is actually about a killer machine mowing down golfers at the Tall Grass Country Club.

When I stumbled upon this movie in my Netflix “watch instantly” queue, I just couldn’t pass it up! How could I resist a movie whose tagline is: “Golf – A Game of Hooks, Slices and … Slaughter”? Well, I couldn’t resist and settled in to watch this wacky and entertaining B-movie.

A series of gruesome murders is taking place at the prestigious Tall Grass Country Club. Golfers are being dismembered left and right, but with a live televised golf tournament coming up the owner refuses to shut the place down. Resident golf pros Roy (Robert North) and Kelly (Victoria Scott) set out to stop the murders, but are shocked to find that the culprit is an evil lawnmower out for blood. Can the pair of golf pros stop the killer machine before it mows down anymore unsuspecting golfers?

Blades is certainly not the perfect B-movie; for a Troma film it feels pretty restrained and lacks the outrageousness of most of their films. It also tends to drag in some places and the finale feels a bit stretched out. For a satire/parody it doesn’t quite go far enough and the laughs are far and in between (though I really liked the special ops caddies). However, I found myself enjoying the zany film, with its crazy ‘80s country club attire (think Lacoste polos, pastel- or neon-colored visors and high-waisted jeans…oh wait, I guess golf fashion really hasn’t changed!), random humor and its flesh-hungry killer machine (that looked more of like a combine rather than a lawnmower).

Even the two leads didn’t bug me (though they were a little bland) and Robert North and Victoria Scott did a good job in their roles as the resident golf pros Roy and Kelly. The rest of the cast was pretty hammy (intentionally, as this is supposed to be a parody of slasher flicks) and served their roles well (I especially liked William Towner as the country club owner Norman Osgood – “It’s on TV!!”).

Blades even has a sort of Caddyshack-like feel to some of their humorous scenes, and I half expected Bill Murray to pop up to defend his golf course against the ravages of a rogue lawnmower. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it “Caddyshack for horror lovers”, as I’m sure some reviewers have, but with the golf course setting and its zany humor it’s hard not to make the comparison. In reality, director Thomas R. Rondinella intended it to be a Jaws spoof, replacing the ocean with a golf course and the shark with a lawnmower. Yes, it’s pretty silly but it is also pretty entertaining as well! I especially liked the POV shots of the lawnmower stalking its victims through the grass and the fact that the leads got trapped on a broken-down van down by the river in the middle of the course by the lawnmower just like the people were trapped on a sinking boat at the end of Jaws.

Still, I felt the comedy in Blades was a little too restrained. With that you’d think they’d amp up the splatter, but besides a few shredded legs and various bloody body parts strewn about the golf course there’s hardly any gore in the film. Even a scene where a young caddy gets “eaten” and large sprays of blood arc out of the woods doesn’t satisfy because the blood looks so fake.

Sometimes you just have to take a chance on a film, and while Blades certainly isn’t a Tromasterpiece it still managed to entertain me. If you like your films a little bit silly and can appreciate the humor in a bunch of golfers running for their lives from a killer lawnmower, do yourself a favor and check out Blades.

Available (only on VHS) from Amazon!

Night of the Hunted (1980)

I love Jean Rollin films – usually. Their dreamy imagery contrasted against shocking violence usually makes for a memorable viewing experience (see The Grapes of Death, The Living Dead Girl, etc.). Even the French director’s more subtle and “tame” films, like The Iron Rose) have a certain charm that I find irresistible. However, today I’m sad to report that I’ve found a Rollin film I just couldn’t get into – Night of the Hunted. While it still boasts Rollin’s signature style (the usual gratuitous nudity and gore), I found Hunted to be a disappointing, boring effort.

Elisabeth (porn actress Brigitte Lahaie) stumbles out of the woods onto a darkened road to escape…something. Young Robert (Vincent Gardère) drives by and picks up the disoriented beauty, who has lost her memory and can’t remember what she is running from or even who she is. Robert takes her back to his apartment in Paris, the obligatory “bow-chikka-bow-bow” happens (in a very long scene, I might add) and the next morning Robert leaves her there and goes to work. A man claiming to be Elisabeth’s doctor and his assistant kidnap her and take her back to a hospital housed in a towering skyscraper where she joins other zombie-like people who’ve lost their memories. Elisabeth vows to escape with Robert’s help, but in the meantime other patients start lashing out, with murders and lots of awkward sex occurring.

Sigh. This movie is more like a bad softcore porno than anything else, with not much attention given to other parts of the story. I was extremely bored during most of the film, even fast forwarding through much of it since nothing really happens. Elisabeth and other patients wander around aimlessly, have nervous breakdowns about not remembering anything, are raped by the staff (and one sleazy janitor in particular who has a painfully weird/uncomfortable rape scene) and are experimented on by the doctor running the hospital.

Gone is Rollins’ stylish imagery and replaced by a cold, institutionalized setting. Not even the gore is eye-popping since it is set in such a bland place. Sure, there is tons of nudity (full-frontal, both male and female), but the unattractive cast make it a chore to sit through and the sex feels vanilla, especially for a Rollin’s flick. The film just feels too sterile and constrained by its setting to ever achieve anything truly great and gets bogged down by a lackluster story and slow pace.

Not one of Jean Rollin’s best efforts, Night of the Hunted is only recommended for hardcore Rollin fans…and even then with trepidation.

Available from Amazon!

Hellgate (1989)

Hellgate has got to be one of the worst, all-over-the-place horror films I’ve ever seen! From the weird gags to groan-worthy jokes to the silly ghost/zombie/ghost town/magical crystals/revenge storylines that crisscross the mess of the movie, I was shaking my head is disbelief most of its running time. However, though there is no doubt this is a horribly bad movie, it still has a certain charm to it.

The film opens with a bunch of college kids on vacation who have rented a cabin in the woods. While they wait for their last friend to arrive, they tell scary stories, including the local tale of the Hellgate Hitchhiker. In the 1950s, a motorcycle gang kidnapped poodle skirt cutie Josie (apparently, poodle skirts use that rip-away technology that stripper clothes utilize!) and took her to the town of Hellgate. No one besides her dad tries to help her, which results in him killing her by accident. Years later, the father still grieves for his daughter but when a crystal is found that appears to reanimate the dead (and make turtles moo like cows or make the newly undead explode or liquefy passerby), he decides to bring back his precious daughter and get revenge on everyone. Josie now haunts Hellgate’s back roads and tries to lure unsuspecting strangers back to Hellgate, which has become a ghost town.

Meanwhile, it turns out the buddy of the college kids gets lost on the way to the cabin and is seduced by Josie (who strikes weird poses like she’s a newbie on American’s Next Top Model or something), but gets away right before her father zaps him with the crystal’s laser beam (I’m not making this up). He finally makes it to the cabin but convinces his friends to return to Hellgate in case Josie needs help. There they are greeted by the rest of the undead denizens of Hellgate…

This movie is flippin’ all over the place and from the first couple of scenes there is TONS to make fun of (Josie’s lame attempts at escape from the bikers, her black granny panties, the fact that no one helps when she is kidnapped, not even a guy with a big-ass shotgun (!), the silly scene where she is killed when a motorcycle crashes through a brick wall she just happened to be standing in front of – and this was only 5 minutes into the movie!!). The silliness only continues from there…some of it good (the banter between the college kids), some of it groan-inducing (ahem, the mooing turtle).

Despite its weird charm, the film still seems confused as to what it really is – sometimes it plays it straight, other times it plays it outrageous, and it tries to cram way too many sub-genres (ghosts, haunted towns, zombies, etc.) into its already silly story. For the most part it doesn’t work and I was rolling my eyes more than I was laughing or enjoying myself. However, this film is such a disaster I couldn’t look away! Its over-the-top nature (Zombie can-can dancers! Copious scenes of glass breaking in slow-mo! Tons of shots of Josie lying in bed pouting over the escaped college student while her nipple pokes through a huge wine stain on her dress! The crystal’s laser making things go all explody!) and straight-up weirdness kept me watching ‘til the bitter end.

Besides just laughing at the bizarre nature of the film, I will say that the zombie make-up, especially in the scene with the cars (these zombies can drive…but in this movie I guess anything is possible), is pretty kick ass. The scene itself, with the zombies starting to crowd around the college students, is one of the few well-done scenes in the film and really stands out against the rest of the trashiness of the rest of the movie.

If you are looking for a truly BAD movie to torture your friends and neighbors with that you can still laugh it, a good option may be Hellgate. At least you can have a few laughs in between the eye rolling and the exasperated sighs. However, under no circumstances would this ever be considered a GOOD movie! Thank god this was the last film for BOTH director William A. Levey and writer Michael O’Rourke!

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Silent Scream (1980)

From the golden age of slashers, the awesome 80s, comes Silent Scream, an intriguing film that features a stark raving mad Barbara Steele! I don’t know about you, but I’ve loved Barbara Steele ever since I saw her in Mario Bava’s black and white masterpiece Black Sunday, so she was pretty much the reason I decided to check out Silent Scream.

The story is relatively simple – spunky college girl Scotty (Rebecca Balding) rents a room in a gorgeous mansion overlooking the beach. Sure, the owners are a little weird – the geeky teen is always watching TV and his mom is a bit of a recluse – but her other housemates are loads of fun! The problems start when a mysterious killer starts offing the housemates one by one…can Scotty survive the slaughter or will she be next?

I really wasn’t expecting too much out of this film, especially since it wasn’t released on DVD until recently. While it isn’t the greatest film ever made, it certainly isn’t the most horrible. Though it contains some common cliches, it still manages to be fun and entertain…and isn’t that all we really want in a slasher film?

The thing that probably sold me the most on the film was “Final Girl” Scotty. She was just so down to earth and likable, and not even cheesy scenes featuring her and her hunky blond roommate getting down to awfully corny music could ruin her appeal. The other characters were all pretty likable, and eventually we even got to see the unhinged character Barbara Steele plays. It doesn’t seem she has that much to do in this film, but when she does she does it with aplomb!

I also appreciated how the film got things off with a bang by showing us the end of the film, when the cops storm the mansion to find a bloody spectacle on their hands. It definitely lent lots of suspense to the rest of the film as we are never quite sure if anyone will be left alive by the film’s end.

Speaking of grue, this film really doesn’t boast much in that department, though there are the typical stabbings and shootings. Nothing new there. However, I did enjoy the human sand castle scene!

Also stereotypical is the killer’s back story, though I still found myself enjoying it. I also enjoyed how the whole family got caught up in the madness and fell to their own demons.

Despite its flaws, I found myself thoroughly enjoying Silent Scream. It may not be the most original movie or the most suspenseful, but it sure was a fun way to spend an hour and a half…and Barbara Steele always makes everything better!

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Strange Behavior (1981)

Strange Behavior (aka Dead Kids) is a little-seen 1981 horror film that is probably best remembered for a zany party scene where a bunch of teens are dancing up a storm to some god-awful ‘60s music that sounds like it was better suited for Grease 2. And, yes, the teens soon join in for a choreographed number that’ll probably make you gag a little. Still, despite this and a few other glaringly out-of-place scenes throughout the film, I found Strange Behavior to be a surprisingly entertaining flick.

In the seemingly idyllic burg of Galesberg, Illinois, it seems that things aren’t so peaceful. Kids are getting murdered left and right, and top cop John Brady (Michael Murphy), thinks it has something to do with the strange behavioral experiments going on at the local university. Brady seems to have a history with the scientist in charge of the suspicious experiments, Dr. Le Sangel (Arthur Dignam), only problem is that the Doctor is long dead (though he still “teaches” college classes via archival footage), having been replaced by his protégé, the icy Dr. Parkinson (Fiona Lewis). Still, the experiments have continued, but now the kids who volunteer for the mysterious experiments are turning out a bit robotic and zombie-like…

Meanwhile, Brady’s son Pete (Dan Shor) enrolls himself in these experiments under Dr. Parkinson’s care in hopes he can make enough money to cover his college application fees. There he meets love interest Caroline (Dey Young), who is a clueless receptionist that knows nothing of what goes on behind Dr. Parkinson’s closed doors.

Do the experiments have anything to do with the rash of murders occurring in the sleepy burg? Well, you can bet your bottom dollar they do, but can Brady get to the bottom of them before his own son becomes a mindless killing machine?

Strange Behavior was definitely a fun film to watch, despite its few wacky scenes and offbeat humor. In fact, its goofiness made it even more fun to watch! The party scene is classic enough, but there is also a hilarious scene where an older deputy is going through files and files of college transcripts to try and find a “fat girl” that fits the killer’s description…really, just watch it and you’ll understand!

The sly humor used throughout certainly doesn’t underscore the gore, though, and there is plenty to go around. People get stabbed, limbs get hacked off, a victim’s body is strung up in a field like a scarecrow, people’s heads get bashed and so on. Certainly not the goriest of films, even by slasher standards, but Strange Behavior does a decent job spreading some crimson around.

The story, written by Bill Condon (who would go on to write/direct Gods and Monsters and Dreamgirls) and Michael Laughlin, does have its plot holes, namely not entirely explaining why and how certain people were targeted to be killed. Were some of the victim’s random or were they all selected to be killed? This was never cleared up satisfactorily for me. Also, the pacing in the beginning and the end dragged a bit for me. The beginning had a pretty typical opening that didn’t immediately grab my attention. Then the end felt unnecessarily drawn out…and what was it with the cheesy wedding scene at the end? There were definitely some parts that could have been heavily edited. I never really did get the connection between Brady and his love interest (played by Louise Fletcher), who I guess was the housekeeper…that part of the story added nothing to the overall story and should have been dropped from the script. It’s almost if Condon and Laughlin were trying to cram as much as they could into the story, but I wished they had focused a bit more on the murders rather than unnecessary characters.

The characters, for a change from most slashers, are well-developed and stay away from most horror movie stereotypes. You really could sympathize with Brady and his son Pete as they both try to make sense of what is going on. The cold character of Dr. Parkinson is also developed just enough so you know that deep down she’s evil. You even get a feel for the secondary characters, like Pete’s best friend Oliver (who disappears halfway through after donning a scary and oversized Tor Johnson-look-alike mask at the crrrrraaaazy costume party) and girlfriend Caroline (who wears one of the ugliest patterned pant and jacket sets I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing).

Despite some flaws and a few wacky sequences, Strange Behavior is otherwise an entertaining way to kill an hour and a half. It seems that many people aren’t familiar with this diamond in the rough, either, but nonetheless this unique film just begs to be seen. Just promise you won’t bust out any choreographed dance moves while watching!

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Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

Bloodhound balloon dogs. Cotton candy cadavers. Popcorn guns. Killer pies. Circus tent UFO’s. And clowns from outer space with a taste for human blood! These are some of the wacky gags you’ll find throughout Killer Klowns from Outer Space, but despite the film’s zany feel and Z-movie reputation it has many clever moments.

If the film’s title doesn’t give it all away, the movie is about killer clown’s from outer space that land on Earth and start killing any people they come across, wrapping the corpses in cotton candy! Two college students, Mike (Grant Cramer) and Debbie (Suzanne Snyder), stumble across the clown’s spaceship, disguised as a colorful circus tent. After discovering some cadavers wrapped in cotton candy, they run back into their small town to get the cops. Of course, the older, distrusting cop, Mooney (John Vernon), thinks the two are playing some sort of prank at his expense and blows them off. Only Officer Dave (John Allen Nelson), who is Debbie’s ex, believes them and sets off to investigate. Mike’s friends the Terenzi brothers, who own an ice cream truck, also join the fight against the clowns.

Soon, the killer clowns reach town and begin offing people in creative ways…with carnivorous shadow puppets, entombing them in big balloons and cotton candy, shooting them with popcorn that turns into slithering mini-clowns, hitting them over the head with giant mallets or melting them with deadly cream pies! Can Mike, Debbie, Dave and the Terenzi brothers save the town before they all end up in the funhouse or is it already too late?

Killer Klowns from Outer Space is arguably one of the silliest yet fun B-movies you’ll come across! Brought to corny horror lovers by the Chiodo Brothers – Charles, Edward and Stephen – Killer Klowns is more fun than a barrel full of drunken monkeys! The film’s premise is decidedly lowbrow, but despite its B-movie tendencies it has a comical charm to it that raises it a bit higher (at least in my book) in comparison to other ‘80s schlock.

What also makes it so great is its colorful set design. The Chiodo Brothers obviously had a ton of fun with the bright colors and carnival-like atmosphere of the film. Everything, from the red and yellow circus tent to the labyrinth of striped and polka-dotted halls of the clowns’ spaceship, screamed demented fun! And the design of the killer clowns was equally impressive. Instead of just featuring actors in clown makeup, the killer clowns wear larger-than-life, bizarre clown masks. While some might find the costumes more corny than creepy, there was just something unsettling about the clowns and their outrageous outfits.

Despite the menacing villains, there isn’t too much to be scared of in Killer Klowns. It is rated PG-13, so it’s light on blood and gore. Still, there are some entertaining kills throughout the film. There were decapitations, puppet and shadow puppet massacres, child endangerment, a Godzilla-like “boss” clown and so on. The real star of the show, though, was the creative use of circus props used throughout the film. For example, the clowns made a balloon animal dog, which they used as a bloodhound to track down people. And the use of killer pies, cotton candy and popcorn were all very entertaining as well. The circus/carnival theme was definitely used to its max!

Killer Klowns from Outer Space is one of the most outlandish and fun of the ‘80s B-movies. It’s got a crazy energy and a madcap imagination that makes it a cult classic in the annals of horror comedies. The Chiodos brothers definitely brought us horror fans a tasty treat with Killer Klowns!

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The Unseen (1980)

You know the feeling you get when you discover a hidden gem of a movie? When you are incredulous that it never garnered that much attention and want to yell from the rooftops about the underappreciated genius of the film?! Well, I had never heard of the 1980 film The Unseen before and the premise made it sound exactly like a diamond in the rough whose virtues I could extol to the masses…errrr, well, it didn’t exactly turn out that way, but at the same time I still kind of liked the film!

The Unseen starts with a reporter named Jennifer (Barbara Bach) storming out of the Los Angeles apartment she shares with her injured ex-football star boyfriend Tony (Douglas Barr). It seems that Tony’s unrealistic drive to get back into football after a knee injury is driving Jennifer batty. She leaves on assignment and heads to north to Solvang with her camera woman Karen (Karen Lamm) and gal pal Vicki (Lois Young) to cover the Dutch settlement’s annual parade. The hotel apparently lost their reservation and since all the other hotels in town are booked, they are forced to look for lodging a tiny city 30 or so miles from Solvang. A seemingly kind museum owner, Ernest Keller (Sydney Lassick) offers them rooms in his large home, where they meet his “wife”, the nerve-wracked Virginia (Lelia Goldoni). After getting settled, Jennifer and Karen head back into town to cover the parade while an ill Vicki stays at the Keller’s to rest up. Unfortunately for her, something or someone that lives in the basement crawls up through the heating vents and tries to drag her down to “play”…but her head gets crushed in the process.

Meanwhile, Tony has followed Jennifer to Solvang, intent on resolving their issues. As they hash it out over dinner, Karen heads back to the Keller house and ends up much like Vicki did before her. We also learn about Ernest’s upbringing and that he takes “keeping it all in the family” a little too literally. By the time Jennifer arrives back at the Keller’s, they are more than ready for her to meet little Junior (Stephen Furst) in the basement.

The Unseen started out on a positive note, with three gung-ho, smart and likable ladies who will stop at nothing to get the story of the century about the little Dutch settlement that could! The first half of the film moves at a quick clip, with likable characters and their unfortunate decision to stay with the creepy Keller’s. There is a sense of unease around the couple, their home and what lurks in the basement. The first “kill” scene is entertaining, if a little over-the-top in how Vicki wildly reacts as she desperately tries to claw her way to safety as “something” drags her down an old-fashioned heating grate. The second kill is even better, as it involves a scarf tantalizingly dangling over another heating grate, just waiting for someone from below to grab hold of it and yank. Be warned, though, there is hardly any bloodshed and a very paltry body count, so don’t go looking for a gorefest with this one or you’ll be sorely disappointed.

While the first half of the film has an excellent set-up, the second half just doesn’t pack the same punch. By the time Jennifer arrives back to find a seemingly empty Keller house, the pacing starts to slow down and the last half of the film feels dragged out. It’s like they only had 10 minutes worth of story but dragged it out to 40 minutes. These last 40 minutes are spent in the basement while our heroine is lorded over by the overgrown, inbred lovechild of the Keller family. Of those 40 minutes, at least 15 are spent on showing the man-child gleefully clapping his hands and stuffing his teddybear down his soiled and no longer tight or white tighty-whities, all the while his chubby man-boobs peak through the remains of a tattered T-shirt. You gotta wonder how the heck he actually fit into the heating ducts in the first place! I also didn’t like the fact that he lost all scariness as soon as they decided to show him. It’s like all of a sudden, despite the fact that he’s already killed two people, we are supposed to feel sorry for the “special” guy. From then on the movie looses any momentum and tension it might have had as it presents its most menacing foe to be the tubby man of the house, Ernest. Plus, I can’t really feel sorry for the Final Girl because upon escaping the basement she didn’t even bother to lock the loony family in with the huge padlock that was hanging by the door. Instead, she went and hid in the chicken coop!! Obviously, she’s not the brightest bulb in the bunch…

The best scenes in the film featured the disturbing interactions between Ernest and Virginia. Right off the bat you know something ain’t right with the pair…and in a creepy scene featuring Ernest and the disembodied voice of his dead father you learn why. From then on it is just uncomfortable to watch the two together! The acting by Sydney Lassick as the over-eager Ernest and Lelia Goldoni as the unstable Virginia was certainly the best in the film. They played extremely well off one another and really made you squirm in your seat!

I wouldn’t call The Unseen a “gem” of a horror film, but despite its flaws it is still a neat little film that horror fans may enjoy. One the plus side, the presentation of the taboo subjects of incest and inbreeding is downright creepy, but on the negative side the tame killer and kills are mediocre and drag the film down. Overall, though, I’d say The Unseen is at least worth a rental!

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Maniac Cop (1988)

With one of the best taglines ever committed to a film (“You have the right to remain silent…FOREVER”), Maniac Cop is one of those action-packed popcorn flicks that are always a pleasure to watch when you need to shut your brain off for a bit. Written and produced by Larry Cohen (It’s Alive, God Told Me To, etc.) and directed by William Lustig (Maniac), Maniac Cop is one of those movies that unfortunately not too many people know about, but those that are in the know can’t stop (maniacally) singing its praises.

In New York City, innocent people are being brutally butchered by a hulking man dressed as a cop. Lieutenant Frank McCrae (Tom Atkins) is on the case and evidence soon suggests that the killer is one of the police’s own. When philandering Officer Jack Forrest’s (Bruce Campbell) wife is found dead in a hotel room, he is fingered as who the media have dubbed the “Maniac Cop”. His girlfriend, Theresa Mallory (Laurene Landon) who is also a cop, must convince Lieutenant McCrae that Jack didn’t commit the crimes, and together they must find out who the real killer is…before it’s too late.

Maniac Cop is a mish-mash of B-movie genres, spanning horror, action and cop-thriller to create an all-around entertaining film! You’ve got car chases, great action sequences, a solid mystery as to who the killer is and why he’s killing, a good smattering of gore as the “Maniac Cop” dispatches his victims and plenty of smart-ass cop-talk (“Whole city’s goin’ to hell. You can’t take a pee anywhere anymore.”).

Maniac Cop’s ability to encompass several different genres and make it all work is what really sells the flick for me. As mentioned earlier, this genre-bender takes an action-packed cop film, throws in a bit of mystery and intrigue along with a whiff of the supernatural, and blends it all with horror, all the while never taking itself too seriously. Things never get too heavy and things are kept light by the characters’ tossing about classic lines like, “Look at the size of those hematomas!” or “You always take a leak with a gun in your hand? That’s a good way to blow your balls off!”

The film also has an amazing cast. Besides the obvious bad-ass contribution of Tom Atkins, we also get Shaft himself, Richard Roundtree, as grumpy Commissioner Pike and Robert Z’Dar as the title character, whose chin rivals that of the film’s other star, Bruce Campbell. Campbell does a great job as well as the wrongly convicted cop – this film is a definite must-see for all Campbell fans! I also enjoyed performances from Laurene Landon as the tough female cop and Sheree North as the cop with something to hide.

The direction by Lustig features New York at its grittiest and dirtiest – similar to what we saw in his Maniac. The city has a grimy feel to it, from oil-slick puddles to dim streetlights, lurking hoodlums, discarded trash and dingy neon signs. This is the sleazy New York when 42^nd street was king of grindhouse and exploitation films, before Time Squares was deemed “family friendly” and overrun by MTV tween fans. This is the perfect setting in which to imagine Cohen’s rogue cop creation murdering innocent people in dark alleys while neighbors shut their windows to the screams! The nitty-gritty atmosphere of the flick just fits so well and I really couldn’t imagine any other place where the story could have been set.

Maniac Cop is something of a cult favorite, but I’m not sure why it hasn’t quite broken out of its shell and garnered a wider audience. Its mix of cop-thriller, horror and action seems like it would catch on with a variety of movie fans, but I find it surprising how few people have checked out (or even heard of) this film! If you haven’t checked this film out yet, what are you waiting for?! Maniac Cop orders you out of the house with your hands up…to go grab a copy of this classic flick now!

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Frightmare (1983)

Not to be confused with the 1974 English cannibal film of the same name, Frightmare (aka The Horror Star) is the story of recently deceased horror veteran Conrad Radzoff (Ferdinand Mayne) who claims that death will be his best performance yet! The night after he is entombed into his specially constructed mausoleum (complete with a blinking neon star), a group of drama students break into the crypt and decide to take old Conrad back to their place for some partying! After a creepy dinner with the diners all wearing masks, they each take turns dancing with the corpse and one girl even goes to far as to smooch him! They put Conrad back into his coffin, but are too tuckered out to take him back to his final resting place, so they just put him in their attic and call it a night.

The next morning the cops discover Conrad is missing from the mausoleum and his widow enlists the help of a psychic medium to find out where he is. Turns out he’s in hell, but is hellbent on returning and getting revenge on the young whippersnappers that disturbed his slumber. His widow heartily agrees, saying, “Burn them! Burn them! BURN THEM!”

Having been summoned, Conrad rises from the dead and stalks the kids in the house, killing them one by one.

What is so interesting about Frightmare is that it tries to bridge the gap from Gothic-tinged Hammer horror (think fog-shrouded cemeteries, genteel-looking old men in Dracula capes, damsels in distress) with the kids-being-stalked-by-an-unstoppable-killer slasher formula. I liked the “classic horror” atmosphere of the film, but the slasher aspect felt a bit off. The story had some holes (a cop, who looks more like a mafia don, keeps popping up but doesn’t add anything to the story), pacing problems, awful dialogue (“We did something BAD!”) and the kills left a lot to be desired. Even though the result is a mixed bag, this seemingly strange combination of old and new horror styles makes Frightmare worth a look anyway.

The film was written and directed by Norman Thaddeus Vane and one good thing about his script is that he spent more time developing the character of Conrad Ragzoff than he did the kids’ characters. I felt much more empathy for Conrad than I did any of the annoying college kids, who exist mostly to get picked off. Conrad is one of the best things about the film, and the character is obviously an homage to Christopher Lee. Actor Ferdinand Mayne even resembles Lee and has the same kind of aristocratic air as he does.

Speaking of Mayne, he was truly a joy to watch in this role, especially in the opening scenes when he is still alive and in the videos he leaves behind for the funeral and those that appear to greet visitors to his crypt. Another actor to note in the film is Jeffrey Combs, who plays one of the clueless kids in one of his earlier roles. Most of the actors who play the college drama students don’t have much to do, but they all do a pretty good job of playing stupid and dying horribly. Even the “Final Girl”, just sits around and whimpers and only survives because she faints dead away at the sight of the resurrected Conrad.

As for the deaths, Conrad kills most of the kids with telekinetic powers rather than with his bare hands. One girl spontaneously combusts into a fireball, another girl gets squashed by a flying coffin, a guy gets locked in Conrad’s crypt as it fills with poisonous gas, another guy gets decapitated by a flying sword, and so on. The only “hands-on” deaths occur when a guy gets his tongue/jaw ripped out and then strangled, a woman gets her mouth stuffed with a wad of cash and another guy gets stuffed into a coffin and burnt alive in the crematorium. It was disappointing that the deaths weren’t at all gory (especially since at least half of the film was trying for that slasher vibe), but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. Instead, the film treated the deaths in the more restrained, classic horror tradition instead of going all-out like a slasher flick.

Still, there are some pretty silly scenes throughout the film besides the previously mentioned death scenes. One was the partying scene where the kids pass around Conrad’s corpse like he’s a party favor, which is so disturbing it borders on ludicrous! Another more “laugh-out-loud” scene is the over-the-top séance scene where Conrad’s widow and psychic medium are trying to contact the dead Conrad. The ladies put on such hysterical performances here that I dare you not to laugh! The film also features some god-awful music and sound effects that sound just like one of those cheap Halloween party CD’s, complete with howling and growling.

Frightmare has a lot of issues and I think it would have a lot of problems connecting with horror fans today. Still, it is an interesting little movie that tries to combine old-school horror with the slasher formula. Sometimes it doesn’t succeed, but it is still interesting enough to check out, especially if you love Gothic-tinged horror movies. Though Frightmare isn’t a “must-see” for all horror fans, those that appreciate both the old and new aspects of horror filmmaking may just find themselves enjoying it like I did!

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Chopping Mall (1986)

The ‘80s gave us a large number of cheesy horror movies, but only a precious few gave us killer robots running amuck…and perhaps only one gave us killer rent-a-cop robots running rampant in a mall! That movie, of course, would be 1986’s Chopping Mall (aka Killbots)! Love it or hate it, you can’t deny Chopping Mall’s high cheese and big hair factor, making it the perfect flick to watch when you don’t want to strain your brain!

Our tale starts with a mall employing three robots as their after hours crime fighting team. They are supposed to offer non-lethal protection from intruders (as evidenced by an infomercial-type film shown to the mall tenants in the first few minutes of the film), but when lighting strikes and fries their control unit, the robots begin killing people with their super-duper lasers, clamping claws and various other robotic implements.

That same night, a group of young mall employees have decided to spend the night inside the mall in a furniture store and PAR-TAY! When the killbots get loose, though, the slowly dwindling group must find a way to escape from the robots’ metallic clutches.

Chopping Mall has all the standards of an ‘80s horror flick – boobs, gratuitous sex (ewwww, I wouldn’t wanna be the person that ends up buying that sofa!), poofy hair, bodysuits, ‘80s dancing (to music from a gen-u-ine boombox!) and crappy special FX, including the pinkish-red lasers the robots shoot. It lacks much of a story (it IS only 70 minutes long) and the gore is almost nonexistent, but besides its low budget and high cheese factor, I found myself giddily enjoying Chopping Mall!

This feature’s claim to fame is an impressive exploding head shot that’s right up there with Scanners. Courtesy of one of the robots laser beams, an unfortunate’s head explodes just like the watermelons in Gallagher’s act do. Besides that, there sadly isn’t much gore in the rest of the film. We get a few necks slit open, a guy gets electrocuted, a girl is lit on fire, and so on. There is even one extremely weak death where a robot pushes the guy over the railing and he falls three stories to his death. Talk about anticlimactic…

Besides the disappointing deaths, the film’s plot is almost nonexistent and relies on the horny kids running through the mall and trying to get away from the killbots. And I still don’t understand how the robots moved from level to level. How the heck did they fit on the escalators? Still, when you just want to turn your brain off and enjoy some robot mayhem, Chopping Mall fits the bill perfectly.

It’s nice that writers Steve Mitchell and Jim Wynorski (who also directed) tried to give us a bit of character development in the beginning (ooooh new girl and nerdy boy really hit it off! How cute!), but this is all pretty much lost on the audience when the robots come out to play. The stereotypical asshole and bitch (who are also a couple…who says opposites attract?) die first, which was nice just so they would shut up, but the rest of the couples are just kinda “meh,” just leaving us to wonder who’s gonna be short circuited next.

Despite these detractors, if you have low expectations you can totally enjoy this cheesy ’80s film. I couldn’t very well take a film too seriously that featured Casio synths throughout the entire film! The fun part IS in its cheesiness, though!

So sit back, turn off your brain and enjoy! Don’t forget to “Have a nice day”!

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Night of the Creeps (1986)

There are few alien slug/zombie movies that work well, but the cult classic Night of the Creeps is one of the best, if not THE best at mashing together sci-fi thrills with horror movie spills! It even inspired James Gunn’s under-appreciated film Slither!

With the official release DVD release of Night of the Creeps scheduled for October 20^th, 2009, it was high time to revisit this horror comedy from 1986!

After a brief intro featuring midget aliens chasing a rogue alien as it releases a tube containing some kind of “experiment” into space, the film opens in the black and white ‘50s, looking all Pleasantville-esque. Sweethearts Johnny and Pam, students at Corman University, drive up to The Point for a little necking, but when they see a meteor streak across the sky and crash not too far from where they are parked Johnny decides to investigate. While he’s tramping through the woods, Pam hears a news report on the radio about a psychotic mental patient who has escaped and is going around killing people with an ax. Pretty soon, Pam gets forty whacks (and then some) and Johnny discovers that the “meteor” is the tube those aliens didn’t want released, which holds a gross slug that quickly jumps into Johnny’s gaping mouth.

Cut to the 80’s, where Chris Romero (Jason Lively) and J.C. Hooper (Steve Marshall) are now students at Corman U. They aren’t the most popular guys around, but Chris falls for seemingly unattainable sorority babe Cynthia Cronenberg (Jill Whitlow). Deciding that the only way to get her attention is by joining a frat, the two friends decide to take part in a hazing prank to gain entry into a fraternity. They must steal a cadaver from one of the college’s labs, but the only body they can find is the cryogenically frozen body of 1950’s Johnny. They release him from his chamber, but soon realize that Johnny isn’t quite as dead as they hoped and they run away, “screaming like banshees.” The undead Johnny, incubating a host of slugs in his brain that infected him in the ‘50s, kills a scientist (David Paymer) and shambles into town until his head explodes…from which a horde of creepy crawlies is unleashed. Meanwhile, Detective Ray Cameron (Tom Atkins) is called to investigate the murder of the scientist and several strange murders around town.

Soon enough, Chris discovers that the alien slugs infect victims through their mouths and burrow into their brains to lay eggs. While the eggs incubate, their host is turned into a zombie, searching for more victims to infect with the slugs until said victim’s head explodes, releasing even more parasitic slugs. Can Chris, with the help of Detective Ray, stop the undead menace before it overwhelms the entire town? And will Chris ever get the girl of his dreams? Well, “I’ve got good news and bad news…”

Night of the Creeps is a delightful romp that mixes Revenge of the Nerds-type jock vs. nerd scenes with a ‘50s sci-fi feel and some excellent zombie action to satiate your inner Romero. It’s a perfect silly, goofy movie that also offers up a few good scares and gore scenes. The film was written and directed by Fred Dekker, who brought us the amazing The Monster Club, and of course he pays homage to all his favorite horror flicks here. From the characters’ names (Romero, Hooper, J.C. = John Carpenter, Cronenberg, Cameron, Raimi, Landis, etc., etc.!) to the name of the university to the gratuitous boob shots and ample blood spillage, Night of the Creeps definitely wears its influences on its sleeve!

The two main characters of Chris and J.C., played by Jason Lively and Steve Marshall also give us someone to root for the entire time. The nerdiness and shyness of Chris and the got-nothing-to-lose bombast of crippled J.C. perfectly compliment each other and the two have the perfect best-buddy chemistry, making their performances seem natural and effortless. We really do want to see Chris get the girl and towards the end we want them to succeed against the slugs! Another fantastic character is the unforgettable Detective Ray Cameron, played with unabashed bravado by Tom Atkins! From the memorable delivery of his quote-tastic lines (“Thrill me!”) to his bad ass attitude (“Get the 12 gauge out of my car!”) Detective Ray is one of the most memorable characters ever witnessed in a horror movie.

Besides the awesomeness of its script, characters and corny, yet funny, moments, Night of the Creeps also boasts some great special FX work. I loved the decomposing look of the zombies, especially the near-skeletal corpse of the long-dead ax killer! The super-fast, super-slimy slugs are pretty impressive as well, especially when they jump out unexpectedly. When the heroes figure out that fire kills the slugs there are lots of fun scenes of slugs fried to extra crispiness with a flamethrower! And you just can’t beat a zombie vs. lawnmower scene. While some effects still have a certain campy charm to them, most of them work in creating a fun, inventive horror flick.

Many people haven’t yet had the pleasure to see Night of the Creeps, especially since it has never been released on DVD. Well, hopefully that will change when the film is released by Sony this coming October. Fans will also have the opportunity to see never-before-seen extras and special features on the disc, including deleted scenes, commentary, a special featurette on Tom Atkins called Tom Atkins: Man of Action, a few making-of featurettes and much more, not to mention the original director’s cut, which features a different ending than most versions.

Night of the Creeps is a movie that will take you back to the ’80s style geek-wants-to-get-the-popular-girl comedies while also adding in some super-duper alien slug/zombie action! It’s got corny jokes, likable protagonists, a bad ass Lieutenant, slithering slugs and stumbling zombies galore. Add a flamethrower, a lawnmower and some fire-power and what more could you ask for?!

Check out Night of the Creeps when it arrives on DVD…in the meantime, “Thrill Me!”

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Rock N Roll Nightmare (1987)

In the cheesy headbangin’ horror movie Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (aka The Edge of Hell) we get to see Jon Mikl Thor in all his Aqua Net glory as lead singer Triton in an 80s hair band (see their #1 hit “We Live to Rock!”) They’ve rented a creepy Canadian (apparently Canada is “where it’s happening, man”!) farmhouse to get away from it all and focus on their music. Their record label even converted the old barn out back into a recording studio! Except, instead of headbanging the band members just want to bang their girlfriends/wives/groupies/each other. Well, we all know that when people go their separate ways in horror flicks it’s an invitation to trouble…sure enough, out pop some demons to take over the band members’ bodies…Why? Cuz that’s how they roll, that’s why. Soon, the only one left standing is Triton himself, who must face the big baddie of all demons…Satan himself. Triton’s got a hidden secret, though…plus, he distracts Satan by rockin’ nothing more than a studded speedo!

Fiends, I will admit to you (if you haven’t figured it out from the synopsis alone) that this is one pretty awful movie, but you just aren’t living until you’ve seen the pure ridiculousness of the epic final battle between Triton and puppets! The barely-there plot, meandering scenes and semi-annoying characters are all forgotten when Triton throws down in front of Satan. Of course, it looks like he is just fighting himself because he has to react to puppets, but that’s all part of this film’s charm!

There is just too much cheesiness to discuss in so short a time. While it’s nowhere near as zany as Hard Rock Zombies, it still has plenty of so-bad-they’re-good moments. Where do I even start? Well, first there’s the 10 minute long intro that consists of watching the band’s van drive up and down country roads. And if to reemphasize that they are hard rockin’ bad boys, they’ve got handcuffs attached to the rear view mirror…that way you know they’re hardcore! Next, I could go on and on about Triton’s ridiculous wardrobe – from a sparkly, metallic tuxedo coat to a polka dot blouse that’s about 10 sizes too small…but fashion doesn’t really make the movie, but it does give you something extra to laugh at!

As for what happens the whole hour or so before the epic final battle? People wander off and have boring sex, the band plays a few songs, more annoying songs are played throughout the film on the radios throughout the farmhouse, a gaggle of groupies shows up for five seconds (not sure what happened to them, but pretty sure they got eaten…hopefully) and, oh yeah, there are a few demon attacks here and there. There is definitely not much of a plot here, and most of the film just seems to aimlessly meander from one scene to the next.

As for the demons, though there are a few cool skeletal ones, the rest are mostly little puppets that look like one-eyed monsters (ya, THAT kind of one-eyed monster…this movie really takes the phrase “rock out with your cock out” a little TOO literally!). They don’t really look all that menacing, but more like adult Sesame Street rejects. As for Satan’s creature effects – he basically looks like he’s pieced together from discarded remnants of the ants in THEM! It also appears that he likes to fight dirty by hurling one-eyed puppet starfish at our hero (whose reaction to them is priceless!). The ensuing “epic” battle makes the performances in pro-wrestling look Oscar-worthy!

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare is a fun movie if you don’t expect too much. It doesn’t deliver much except a few good laughs, but sometimes that’s all you need for a good time! It is so ridiculous that it begs to be seen at least once by every horror fan.

RAWK!

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Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

Where can you find horrible 80’s ballads, a rock star that is a pedophile, Nazis, deformed midgets, zombies, a grandma that transforms into a werewolf, bad 80’s metal hair, music video montages, Adolf Hitler and limber but evil groupies? Hard Rock Zombies, that’s where, one of the worst films ever made!

In the opening scene, a dirty-looking blond hitchhiker (Lisa Toothman), who looks like she’s wearing nothing but a scrap of shower curtain, gets picked up by two skeevy lamebrains. Two seconds later they’ve pulled off for a bit of skinny dipping in a scum-encrusted pond where Dirty Blond drowns both dudes. Who knew drowning produced so much blood? A weird guy who was taking pictures the whole time and his pet midgets (one with a patch over one eye and the other looking more like a creature from Ghoulies) join Dirty Blond in disposing of the bodies…but not before Dirty Blond cuts one of the victim’s hands off and croons, “I wanna hold your hand!”

After this preposterous opening scene we join “the band” onstage as they perform for their 12 groupies. After the long and drawn-out song, they head backstage, strip to their skivvies and pose for pics with more groupies! Lead singer and perv Jessie (E.J. Curcio) becomes enamored of the very young-looking Cassie (Jennifer Coe), who not only looks like she’s 12, but also looks like she’s got caterpillars glued over her already bushy Groucho Marx-like eyebrows. Cassie tries to warn Jessie that his band shouldn’t play their next gig in her podunk town, but Jessie is too smitten to pay attention.

On the way to Cassie’s town Jessie practices his newest song, which he’s borrowed from a medieval incantation that was used to raise the dead. Great idea, bonehead!

The band picks up Dirty Blond, who is out hitchhiking again (what a strange pastime…) and she tells them to stay at her family’s spacious Southern-style mansion. Once they arrive they meet with the creepy midgets and the rest of Dirty Blond’s strange family, including her grandparents who let the creepy midgets watch while they have geriatric sex, a hulking, bald man who is either her brother or the gardener (he’s quite handy with the weed whacker) and the paparazzo-in-training from the pond.

After they’ve stashed all their equipment, the band heads into town and we are forced to suffer another horrible musical number – and, hey, this one’s a montage complete with band members skateboarding, scaring kids by spraying them with shaken cans of beer, dancing like idiots, posing in a gigantic wood cut-out of themselves and hamming it up while disapproving townsfolk look on. The band gets thrown in jail for being so lame, but Dirty Blond bails them out.

After almost getting electrocuted while playing another horrible song in front of their hosts, the band eats it for real at the hands of Dirty Blond’s psycho family. Dirty Blond herself takes out a guy in the shower, while grandma turns into a werewolf(!) and mauls two other band members and Jessie is taken out by baldy with the weed whacker, but not before he gives Cassie his tape for his new dead-raising single!

After the funeral, it is revealed that the members of Dirty Blond’s family are all Nazis in hiding and that her grandpa is actually the Grand Fuhrer himself, Adolf Hitler! Hitler has a hidden bunker well-stocked with poisonous gas and plans to take out the entire U.S.!

Meanwhile, Cassie is visiting the band’s grave. She plays the tape Jessie left her and – sho ‘nuff – the band comes back to life as zombies – stiff, Robot-dancin’ zombies that look like a bad KISS cover band that is.

They kill Dirty Blond and her Nazi family (who return as zombies), then drive (yup, zombies can drive) across town so they can play a showcase and impress a record executive. While we are forced to listen to another god-awful song (the third time we hear it in the film), zombies are slowly overtaking the town. The remaining townsfolk think they can repel zombies by holding out huge posters of famous people…buuuut that idea doesn’t work too well and more people become the zombies’ lunch.

One old guy suggests offering the ghouls the town’s virgin, who just happens to be Cassie. Something about the zombies not attacking the town for another 100 years if they can screw and eat a virgin. Anywho, the townspeople haul Cassie up the mountain like a sacrificial lamb and offer her to the zombies.

It’s up to Jessie and the rest of the zombified band to save his jailbait lady love and to put a stop to the zombie nonsense once and for all…but not until we suffer through yet another musical number.

Whew! Apologies for such a long synopsis, but really I wanted you to get a complete gist of the insanity of this movie! And believe me, you haven’t heard anything yet! I have yet to mention the self-cannibalizing midget or the freaky dance montages that feature Dirty Blond. In case you haven’t noticed, this movie is all over the place and you’ll be asking yourself WTF did I just watch when you are through (if you can bear and get all the way to the end, that is).

First off, the puke-inducing music is not what anyone would call “hard rock.” It just sounds like the most generic, Monster Ballad-esque sap you’ve ever heard. And they just keep playing the same damn songs over and over. Plus, they’ve got the whole pedophile angle covered even in the lyrics, which actually say “I’m so in love, but you’re so young.” Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Totally groddy! Someone call Chris Hansen with To Catch a Predator!

Considering this was at one point just supposed to be a 20 minute short movie I understand all the padding used, but did they really have to keep showing such cheesy montages? First with the band “running wild” (errrr, if “wild” means consorting with a bunch of pudgy schoolkids, riding skateboards and doing a Beatle-esque type dance down the middle of a street) through the redneck town and later on with Jessie and Cassie running at each other in slow-mo both dressed in white! And who can forget Dirty Blond doing some kind of weird 80’s dancing, first randomly in the desert then as a slinky zombie minx (who knew zombies were so flexible?). You could fill 20 bottles of Cheez-Whiz with the cheesiness coming out of just these montage scenes alone!

Then there was the whole “what were they smoking?” plot addition of Nazis and werewolves! Seriously, did they think that a strictly zombie movie would be that boring and they needed a little extra Third Reich pizazz? I really don’t know what writer/director Krishna Shah and co-writer David Allen Ball (and no, they haven’t done all that much since this, ahem, “film”) were thinking when they unleashed this horribly bad movie on an unsuspecting audience, but if they were doing drugs while dreaming this film up then it would make for a perfect “this is your brain on drugs” PSA. Just say no, kids!

You’d think with such vivid imaginations some great gore would come out of all this, but sadly the only “gore” we get is blood that looks like it was squirted right out of a Heinz ketchup bottle. The kill scenes are pretty hysterical, though, especially when geysers of blood erupt during a drowning scene and that the zombiefied band kills Hitler by what looks like a ring-around-the-rosies game gone wrong.

The craziness of the Hard Rock Zombies makes some parts entertaining, but for the most part it’s a real snoozefest. The film looses what little momentum it had at about the one hour mark and all those musical numbers certainly make it seem much longer than it actually is. I might have even fallen asleep had the music not been so gratingly bad. Yet, this film is so bad that like Troll 2 it certainly deserves to be seen at least once…but once will definitely be enough. After that you’ll want to bury Hard Rock Zombies for good.

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