The House that Cried Murder (1973)

This 1970s obscurity somehow weaseled its way to the top of my Netflix queue and let me tell you, this House is one fixer-upper!

Wealthy daddy’s girl Barbara builds an ugly, modern monstrosity just cuz she is bored and wants to truly do something with her life. She plans on moving into the house with her boyfriend, the slimy David, who works at the same firm her father owns. Despite warnings from her father that David “stinks”, Barbara gets her way and ties the knot with David. Daddy’s little girl should have listened to her father, because David really does stink! The adulterous asshole sneaks off during their wedding reception with his ex-girlfriend. Sure enough, Barbara finds him pants down in the bedroom! Barbara takes a pair of scissors to David’s arm before storming off through the wedding guests with a bloodied wedding gown and burning rubber out of there. She disappears, and neither David nor her father hears from her for days or weeks. Despite the tumultuous events of the wedding day, Barbara’s father is overly chummy with David and tells him from now on will be treating David like a son. Meanwhile, David and his ex have re-connected after their lousy rendezvous and are apparently living together. Their bliss is short-lived when they are terrorized in their own home by ominous phone messages, severed chicken heads and expensive bridal gowns.

The House that Cried Murder is one stinker of a movie. First off, the transfer is so bad that the film is littered with scratch marks, weird jump cuts and switches between being too dark or too washed out. Now, I’ve seen plenty of old films in all different states, but this is one of the worst-looking ones I’ve ever seen. Furthermore, the actually lighting in the film is nonexistent, leaving actor’s faces perpetually drenched in shadows while the rest of the surroundings are washed out. I could have overlooked all this had the film actually been decent, but it just drags on and on with no real tension or scares to speak of. Barbara may be crazy, but at least she isn’t the annoying little twat that David’s ex is…good God, I just wanted her to meet a terrible demise but I was denied even that as she is scared off by the chicken head, phone calls and other shenanigans that start to plague her and David.

The film is packed full of more filler than your average hot dog, with pointless scenes of David and his ex strolling a street fair, Barbara and David walking through a field, and so on. This film really needed to get to the action already. Only, I guess there really wasn’t too much action to really get to, now was there? The climax and ending of the film feature a neat little twist, but getting there was absolute torture and the ending doesn’t make up for the boredom I suffered sitting through this dilapidated House. I just wanted this wretchedly boring movie to end…maybe they should call this The House that Cried Uncle instead.

If you are an absolute fiend for bad ‘70s movies (with bad music to match, natch) and this is one you haven’t seen before…well, I would say to skip it anyways. However, if you are a masochist, by all means check this film out; but in my opinion this House should be condemned!

Order it on Amazon!

And Soon the Darkness (2010)

Two American girls are on a bicycle tour through remote Argentina, but decide to set out on their own for the last few days of their vacation. Stephanie (Amber Heard) is trying to get over a recent break-up while Ellie (Odette Yustman) is the more free-spirited, wild one. After the two have an argument, Stephanie leaves Ellie sunbathing alone by an isolated river. When Stephanie returns to reconcile with her friend, she finds Ellie missing. While searching for her friend and getting no help from the local police, Stephanie turns to a fellow American named Michael (Karl Urban) for help. However, it seems that even Michael has his own secrets that make Stephanie distrust him. With no one to trust, will Stephanie be able to find Ellie before this movie turns into another Turistas or Hostel? Hmmmm…I’m betting not…

I was ready and willing to give And Soon the Darkness a chance…I figured it might do something new and put a twist on the whole tourists-in-peril sub-genre. I was even willing to put up with the poor man’s versions of Megan Fox (Yustman) and Scarlett Johansson (Heard). The film started off okay…especially since it was actually filmed in Argentina and the vistas were pretty spectacular. However, the film didn’t offer anything unique in regards to its storyline, which really is a pity considering the beautiful location they had to work with. Instead it limps along the well-tread “torture porn” road with a bit of black market sex slavery thrown in for good measure. If I had wanted to see that I would have just re-watched the excellent Shuttle (watch it NOW if you haven’t seen it yet) instead of sitting through this bland “horror” film.

In fact “bland” is an apt word to describe And Soon the Darkness, as it applies to nearly everything in the film. Bland acting, bland writing, a bland storyline, bland torture…The only thing that wasn’t bland was the direction by Marcos Efron and the cinematography by Gabriel Beristain. Of course, the natural beauty of Argentina may have made capturing its loveliness easy! I would even go so far as to say that if the film was re-cut it could be used as a way to promote tourism for the country (providing they cut out all the kidnapping, unfriendly locals, crooked police and torture…which should be easy since the film doesn’t really boast many of these scenes).

If you’re looking for horror, though, you’ll be sadly disappointed with And Soon the Darkness. While it has some great touristy shots that look like they belong in National Geographic, the film’s storyline fails to evoke any real scares since its premise is something we’ve all seen before (and in better films). It tries for a slow burn but falters in that it never actually goes anywhere. By the time Stephanie figured out what was going on I was beyond caring anyway and I just had to throw my hands up in the air when the story went the clichéd way of so many other films. I was at the very least hoping for a bit of a twist at the end that would differentiate this film from its ilk, but no such luck.

What I do find interesting is that this film is actually a remake of a 1970’s film of the same name, something I did not find out until after viewing the 2010 version. Despite the remake’s failure, I’m just a little bit curious as to how the original compares and may seek it out. If it turns out to be a fantastic film, I may have to actually thank And Soon the Darkness for actually doing something for me besides showing me pretty pictures of Argentina. For now though, the only thing that And Soon the Darkness did was bore me to death…and make me want to visit rural Argentina, even though the film should have had the opposite effect in both instances.

Available on Amazon!

Mr. Halloween (2007)

Ugh, where do I even begin with this movie? Since I am absolutely famished for new Halloween horror films every time around this time of year, I’ve decided to scrape the bottom of the barrel with films like Mr. Halloween. However, after sitting through this nearly 2 hour long amateur horror flick, I wish I would have just stuck to the Halloween classics!

Mr. Halloween (played by Edgar Allan Poe lookalike Bill Loomis) is the titular character who every year builds a haunted house for Halloween. Problem is, some people think his props are a little too real…and they are right. Mr. Halloween is butchering kids all over town to use as props in his twisted haunted house. Despite the high number of missing children in the small town, the local cop is ineffectual and doesn’t do anything about the problem. It’s up to a couple of the town’s kids to stop Mr. Halloween…but what if they are next?

Again…ugh. I certainly picked a winner with this one! You know, it didn’t start off so bad. It had the low-budget hallmarks of bad acting, horrible script, amateur FX, etc., but there was some nice fall foliage on display and the geeky characters were kinda likable. However, these “likable” characters quickly showed just how lame-brained they were by sneaking around Mr. Halloween’s house and getting themselves sliced and diced into bloody props. The rest of the characters, including a high school kid with one of the most ridiculous mustaches I’ve ever seen, survive until the next Halloween, but they also make the mistake of poking around where they shouldn’t. The characters had such horrible dialogue and made such stupid mistakes that I didn’t care if they survived. And the “final girl” was one of the most annoying characters I’ve had the displeasure of seeing in a horror flick. The only reason she makes it so far is dumb luck and that she was always around another character that Mr. Halloween conveniently picked off first. All she did the entire film was ask stupid questions, scream and whine.

Oh, and by the way, pay no attention to the artwork on the DVD cover. There is no little girl or stupid clown in this asinine movie. Neither of those images appear anywhere in the film and I’m baffled by their use on the cover! As mentioned above, the killer is an Edgar Allan Poe lookalike and dresses in a blue jumpsuit Michael Myers would be proud of. However, the character is more weird than scary. He never really talks, spends all day strapped to an old electric chair and spends nights tromping around his Halloween props. How stupid do the people in this town have to be to not realize he’s the guy kidnapping their kids?? The lack of logic in this film just boggles the mind…

I had to endure nearly two hours of this agony, but with this review I hope to spare you from watching this irredeemable piece of crap. Yes, it is low-budget and I’m sure the first time filmmakers put a lot of time and effort into this thing…but good intentions and hard work don’t necessarily pay off if you have a script written by what seems like 5-year-olds.

Available from Amazon!

Sutures (2009)

A battered woman stumbles out of the wilderness and is admitted into the hospital…once she has been treated Detective Zane (Jason London) visits her to ask about her ordeal. The young woman, named Sienna (Allison Lange), recounts how she and her pre-med friends headed up to an isolated castle for some rest and relaxation. However, a mysterious man in black followed them, and one by one they were kidnapped and taken to a dank underground “hospital” where crazed Doctor Hopkins (Andrew Prine) utilized his new “patients” for experiments as well as harvesting their organs for the black market. However he and his staff treated them, one by one they ended up dead…except for Sienna, who happened to escape.

As Sienna recounts her tale to the Detective, she tells him more about the man in black, whose name was Alexander Tatum (Carlos Lauchu). Alexander should have been a renowned surgeon, but a tragic past and a daughter diagnosed with a rare disease lead him to help Doctor Hopkins in exchange for a possible cure for his sick daughter.

Will Detective Zane get to the bottom of the killings? Will Alexander come after Sienna now that she’s escaped?

Yes, this is another kids-getting-kidnapped-for-their-organs movie like a ton of other “torture porn” flicks out there. And, in my opinion, it’s one of the most boring. I was expecting some nicely done gore and a familiar but entertaining story…however I didn’t really get anything I was hoping for. The movie never really “grabbed” me and I was bored from the first couple of scenes all the way to the end. You don’t know how many times my finger was itching for the fast-forward button!

However, even though I didn’t like the film, let me rattle off some technical strengths it had…First off, it was competently shot thanks to director Tammi Sutton. I thought the lighting was great and the scenes in the underground black market “hospital” were very atmospheric. The acting was also pretty decent; I especially liked the performances from Allison Lange as survivor girl Sienna and Carlos Lauchu as the dark and mysterious Alexander.

These few strengths, however, were not enough to make Sutures a good or enjoyable film. I’ve read positive reviews of the film, all of which left me scratching my head. Did we watch the same film? The film started somewhat strongly enough once it got past the boring bits of showing Sienna and Detective Zane in the hospital. The group of pre-med students was typical, but at least the characters had distinct personalities. Things started getting rocky when attention was averted to Alexander. At first he was an intriguing and mysterious presence, but that mysteriousness was all stripped bare as soon as he killed a gas station attendant. By that time, too much had been shown of the killer and my interest in him waned.

Then, somehow Alexander became like a ninja and was able to infiltrate the castle and soundlessly kidnap the kids one by one. This just seemed implausible to me and was pretty groan-worthy. The action then moved to the underground hospital and started to feel awfully like Hostel. Except that instead of people paying to torture youths, Doctor Hopkins had set up a kind of underground medical school. He had the victims pumped full of exotic diseases and gave them fatal wounds, then challenged his med students to keep them stable. Or he just ripped their organs and breast implants out to sell on the black market. An interesting concept, but it was never developed to its potential. Plus, this storyline diverted attention from the much more interesting Alexander (maybe by “interesting” I just mean hot, ok!), who was demoted from lead killer to the Doctor’s lackey.

With all these intersecting storylines things got convoluted pretty fast. There’s the story of Detective Zane trying to get answers from Sienna, then Alexander’s tragic past flashbacks, then the Doctor’s black market hospital and Sienna’s survival of the hospital. It just tries for too much and while the twist ending tries to tie up loose ends, it just fails. The ending might come as a surprise, but that’s only because it is so ludicrous.

Making things even more confusing was the editing, which jumps from past to present randomly and with little explanation. Look, I don’t need my hand held when watching a film, but the jumpy editing made things hard to follow and the film really should have been more streamlined.

Plus, who the F cast the kids who are supposed to be some of the characters as children in flashbacks?? Did no one notice they were completely different races than the adult characters? It’s called common sense and continuity, people, and the filmmakers failed on both accounts!

All of these problems may have been forgiven had there been any memorable bloodshed in the film, but the gore is all pretty typical. Well-done, but uninteresting. People who have been infected with a disease spew up black bile, limbs are hacked off, organs and implants are cut out, people are shot and so on, but nothing that really stood out to me. Perhaps I’m just a jaded horror viewer, but none of the gore in Sutures grabbed me.

Sutures is a forgettable film that lacks a cohesive narrative and an engaging story. It’s poorly put together and not even the gore scenes are memorable. To me, it was a very bland horror flick with few redeeming qualities. If watching horror flicks about organ harvesting rings is your thing, then by all means have at it. However, if you like your horror original, scary and gruesome, Sutures is not a good match. My body definitely rejected it (nyuck, nyuck!).

Available from Amazon!

Hack-O-Lantern (1988)

In my quest to watch every Halloween-themed horror flick I can get my hands on, I decided to give the obscure Hack-O-Lantern a whirl. This film combines one of my favorite subgenres of horror, satanic cults, with my favorite holiday, Halloween. What could go wrong, right?

The film opens with a young boy named Tommy as he is visited by his friendly grandfather on Halloween. Grandpa gives him his pick of pumpkins as well as an ominous looking pendant. Tommy’s family doesn’t like grandpa visiting his grandson and Tommy’s father goes after good ol’ grandpa to give him a piece of his mind. However, grandpa isn’t as nice as he seems…he’s actually the leader of a satanic cult and they dispatch Tommy’s dear old dad right quick.

The film then jumps ahead several years to the eve of Tommy’s 18^th birthday that happens to coincide with Halloween. Grandpa has grand plans for Tommy’s initiation into his satanic cult, but Tommy’s beleaguered mother pleads with him to reconsider. Also concerned for Tommy’s well-being are his younger sister and brother, who is a rookie cop.

With Halloween celebrations in full swing, a robed, Devil-masked killer starts murdering townsfolk. Can Tommy’s family stop him from joining his Grandpa in the Dark Arts or are they already too late?

At least the title got it right…HACK-O-Lantern is an apt title for this painfully silly “horror” movie. Good god, this movie felt like it dragged on and on though it clocked in at under an hour and a half. It had its entertaining parts (more on these later), but overall this is a serious piece of cinematic doody. The first glaring evidence of this was the ridiculous acting from Hy Pyke, who played Grandpa. Are all Satanist leaders this effeminate and non-threatening? And then we have the actor who played Tommy, Gregory Scott Thomas (whom you might recognize as Mac’s father on the hilarious TV show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Tommy is supposed to be nearing 18 in the film, but Scott Thomas is seriously mis-cast as he looks like a ‘roided out, 30-year-old jock rather than a young teenage follower of Satan.

Then, there are all the wacky and weird scenes throughout the movie. These are the “entertaining” bits I mentioned above. First is a seriously strange dream sequence/metal video that features an exotic voodoo-like dancer (check her out on the flick’s cover above) who, 1.) has multiple arms like a Hindu goddess, and, 2.) shoots horrible-looking lasers out of her eyes that zap the band members. This is a seriously WTF scene, but wait! It gets better…There’s the whole branding scene where nubile young Satan worshippers get their butts branded with a pentagram, another horrendous dime store metal band that screeches during a Halloween party that features random strippers and a five minute sequence of a “comedian” doing stupid impressions…of turkeys. Not to mention the amount of devil’s horns the characters throw around…except instead of the traditional holding up of just pointer and pinky fingers to hail the devil, the characters hold up pinky, pointer AND thumb…which actually means “I love you” in sign language and NOT “hail Satan”. Those silly satanists! Seriously, though, Grandpa, Tommy and other cult members throw the horns around non-stop…so much that you could in fact make a drinking game out of their appearances, taking a shot every time someone flashes the devil’s horns. However, you would probably be sloshed in 20 minutes…but perhaps that would be a better state of mind in which to watch the movie. Maybe if you’re drunk it would at least be kinda enjoyable.

Plus, there is the whole sleazy aspect of the film. We are talking random nudity (and not good nudity, it’s all low-budget ‘80s nudity here!) like the previous stripperella at the party mentioned above, plus a few non-sexy sex scenes. There is also the whole subtext of incest that pops up throughout the film. It is hinted that Tommy is actually the son of his mom and his grandpa. Yup, how ‘bout a big old EWWWWW from the audience, eh? I was half expecting that Tommy put the moves on his mom, but thankfully the film didn’t go down that road!

As for the kills? They were almost an afterthought and the only decent one worth mentioning is when a dude gets a shovel through his noggin. Yes, it is a low-budget film but the kills took a long time coming…too little too late in my opinion. It’s like the film couldn’t decide if it wanted to focus on the masked killer or the satanic cult and it ended up not giving enough attention to either. I also think too much time was spent on Tommy’s family, including his sister, brother and mother, instead of focusing on the supposed main character of the film, Tommy. The only time we saw him was when he was brooding in his room, listening to his crappy metal music and having weird dreams, or slamming the door in his poor mom’s face.

The ending had a nice little twist as to who the killer was, but by then I was really too bored to care. I watched Hack-O-Lantern for some fun Halloween thrills, but found it more of a chore to sit through. A film with a cool name like Hack-O-Lantern deserves to be somewhat entertaining, but this was more like Crap-O-Lantern.

If you are a brave soul, the VHS is available on Amazon!

Berdella (2009)

This low-budget film is based on the relatively unknown 1980’s Kansas City serial killer Bob Berdella who raped, tortured and killed at least six men before he was apprehended. Not much attention has been given to Berdella, perhaps because he looks like David Cross playing Tobias Funke in Arrested Development (just LOOK at that mustache in the poster!) or maybe homosexual killers from the ‘80s just aren’t in style anymore. Whatever the case, I wish filmmakers Bill Taft and Paul South had left Bob Berdella in the closet, because their film on him is one big bore.

The film follows the odd Berdella, who acts more of like a socially maladjusted Dungeons and Dragons geek rather than a serial killer. We see him hocking his wares at his flea market stall “Bob’s Bazaar Bizarre”, hanging out in gay clubs, scoring drugs for the local junkies, stringing up victims in his basement, beating them and then beating off, extolling the virtues of sandwiches and on and on…

Yup, this film drags on and on, showing more of Berdella’s “normal life” rather than showing his disturbing perversions of raping and killing. In fact, most of the torture and death occurs off-screen and on the whole the film isn’t all that gory. Where gore is shown (we see the aftermath of a dude’s eyes that have been gouged out) it is so amateur that it doesn’t have a strong effect on the viewer. The film’s promise of “shocking and bizarre” certainly doesn’t apply to the actual film.

And then there’s the acting…goodness, how the actors are either over-the-top ridiculous or otherwise stiffer than a board! Perhaps it’s the stupid dialogue they are forced to speak or just their delivery of it, but the acting here, while certainly not the worst, is still pretty bad.

With so many other better serial killer movies out there, I find it hard to recommend anything about Berdella. The only neat-o thing they have going for them is some cool looking promo materials (stickers that read “Bobey,” a parody of the “Obey” street art campaign), but the actual film is a big, boring let-down. I thought that at least it would be a good examination of the psychology of a gay serial killer, but they didn’t really delve all that much into the psychology of Berdella, instead giving us a rather static view of his everyday life. Zzzzzzzzz…

Sorry kids, but this serial killer is a real snooze.

Available from Amazon!

Brainjacked (2010)

A runaway named Tristan is lured by the charming Laney to a secret underworld run by a neurosurgeon that takes in teenagers with no place left to go. However, he prescribes each and every one of them trepanation, the practice of drilling holes into a person’s skull to alleviate mental anguish and psychological issues. Tristan submits to the operation to stop his head-grinding migraines, but the doctor has a nefarious ulterior motive for the operations…he turns these teenagers into mindless slaves that do his bidding!

Brainjacked promised a pretty cool plot, so I was ready for something that combined sci-fi thrills with some good old fashioned gore and plenty of laughs…but I ended up laughing for all the wrong reasons. I mean, how are you supposed to take seriously a film that features a doctor with a drill in place of a hand?? You’d think the writers would capitalize on this silliness and make the film light-hearted with plenty of laughs, but unfortunately Brainjacked is played straight as an arrow.

And, you know, if it had any comedy (intentional, that is) at all it might have actually been a decent movie! Disappointingly, it’s actually pretty dull and doesn’t capitalize on the fun of a “mad doctor”. Not even the gory “drill” effects could save this picture from the doldrums. Plus, all the drilling gets old pretty fast.

The film could have also benefitted by a more experienced director and editor. Some scenes are way too jumpy (like the confusing and frenetic opening scenes) while others just drag and drag. Also, the narrative structure of the story definitely needs some work. I really didn’t care for the opening scenes and how Tristan is introduced to the audience. I also thought it was odd how Laney just happened upon Tristan that night and decided to bring him back to the doctor. A bit too convenient for my taste…

Though Brainjacked had an interesting premise, in execution it just failed to delivery anything but boredom. It takes itself too seriously when it really should have had fun with its plot. I mean trepanation, crazy doctors, teenage sex slaves and teenagers programmed to kill?? It sounds like it could have made a great B-movie had it lightened up a little. Oh well…when this film comes out at the end of August, I’d avoid it unless you have a trepanation fetish!

Available from Amazon!

Offerings (1989)

Good god…what the hell did I just watch? This bottom of the barrel offering (sorry, couldn’t resist) is an atrocious mix of awful characters, bad acting, threadbare story and weak kills. However, it is also (unintentionally?) hilarious, with characters who are trying to play Valley Girls over their twangy Oklahoman accents, a pizza party that turns cannibalistic and a hefty cop who likes to bust kids with boxes of porno mags in abandoned houses.

While all these shenanigans sound like a grand old time, they are assuredly not!

The plot is an oversimplified mix of Halloween and Slumber Party Massacre. It begins with a young mute boy who is not only abused at home (how ‘bout some cigarette ashes in your eggs, honey?) but also by the neighborhood kids. His only friend is a little blonde girl who stands up for him. However, one day the other kids “accidentally” cause the outcast to fall down a well…and after that he spends the next 10 years in a mental asylum because apparently he also killed his mother. When 10 years are up, our young scrappy psycho breaks out by killing a few nurses and returns to his boyhood home. To reminisce about happy childhood memories, you ask? Why no, silly, he’s returned to hunt down all the bullies that taunted him and regale his little blonde girlfriend with “offerings” of their slaughtered body parts like ears, a nose, etc. It’s up to Little Miss Blonde, her BFF and the corpulent sheriff to find out how to stop the psycho before he kills again. At least so that the icky “offerings” will stop. They are like, totally groddy!

Yeesh, this is one sorry excuse for a slasher flick! Of course the filmmakers themselves have admitted to making this just as an excuse to party, but why did they have to subject everyone else to this awful film?

Ok, ok, so it does have its moments of hilarity, unintentional or intentional. Take for example, the funny tasting “sausage” pizza the kids have at Little Miss Blonde’s house. It turns out the mystery meat is the other white meat…human! Yum! How sweet of the psycho to send the kids some snacks before their untimely demises! Then there are the obnoxious Valley Girl accents used by most of the characters…yes way! Or how ‘bout the little kid busted for reading (a box of) naughty magazines and telling the dense cop his name is “Ben Dover” before running away and flipping the policeman the bird? Pretty amusing stuff…

…However, the rest of the movie (like the remaining 98%) just plain sucked! The storyline drags, the pacing is horrible and it is just…weird! Like the scene where one of the kid’s parents are eating cake at 3 AM…it’s just feels so off and out of place! The kills are pretty absurd too, including a cheesy vice kill scene. All of the kills (and most of the movie) leave a lot to be desired.

Offerings is a pretty crappy movie that rips off Halloween, Slumber Party Massacre and numerous other slashers, and while I can’t really recommend it, it does have its entertaining moments. Be warned – these moments are far and in-between, so watch at your own risk!

Available on Amazon!

Uncle Sam (1997)

When it comes to 4^th of July, horror fiends pretty much only have one genre film to watch – Uncle Sam. I admit I am a little obsessed with horror films set during holidays, but for some reason I had never seen Uncle Sam. Once July rolls around the movie I usually watch is Jaws (which is only incidentally related to Independence Day), but this year I was determined to watch Uncle Sam…even if I got to it AFTER the 4^th had already passed!

Uncle Sam tells the tale of uber-patriot Sam Harper who is killed while serving his country in the Middle East. His body is shipped back to his hometown, where his nephew Jody lives with his mom and aunt. Jody worships his uncle and aspires to be just like him. Somehow Uncle Sam is brought back to life, dons an “Uncle Sam” costume and goes around killing any un-patriotic townsfolk.

While Uncle Sam is certainly a “holiday horror” movie and evokes the spirit of summertime and 4^th of July, it is a pretty awful movie. Now I understand why I avoided it for so long! From its inconsistent, silly and plot-hole filled storyline to its slow pace, the movie just isn’t that enjoyable. First off, when Sam is shipped back to his hometown his coffin just sits nonchalantly in the house for days! Who in the world just leaves a coffin in the middle of their front room anyway? Secondly, it never really explains HOW he comes back to life. One minute some kids are burning an American flag and the next he is at attention offing the juvenile delinquents. Also, characters, like a crippled kid, show up the last half of the movie as major players when they should have been included since the first half of the film! The film also moves slowly, there aren’t that many kills, and Uncle Sam isn’t scary.

I expected much more from director William Lustig (Maniac, Maniac Cop series) and writer Larry Cohen (Maniac Cop, It’s Alive, God Told Me To), but instead got a watered down, sub-par slasher flick. The one thing that Uncle Sam has going for it is its scathing political commentary, which was way ahead of its time. The Patriot Act didn’t go into effect ‘til years after Uncle Sam was released, but the film really feels like an indictment of that law and how it punishes people that are deemed “un-patriotic” for the silliest of reasons. There’s also a nice social commentary on the United States military and government.

Other than that, though, there isn’t much to recommend for Uncle Sam. It’s too much of a jumbled mess to truly enjoy, though there are a few entertaining kills. For example, the ridiculous potato sack race scene where a cheater ends up losing his head to Uncle Sam’s hatchet is pretty entertaining. Another well-done scene is a fireworks display where the mayor (or senator? I don’t remember) has his body covered in fireworks and mouth stuffed with explosives before being blown up by Uncle Sam.

However, two mildly entertaining scenes do not make up for the fact that Uncle Sam is pretty mediocre…not even the late, great Isaac Hayes (I cannot help but imagine Chef from South Park whenever I hear his voice!) can save this messy mish-mash of a film.

Next year I’ll just stick to re-watching the Jaws films instead of ever watching this weak supernatural slasher again!

Available from Amazon!

Red Mist (2008)

After loving Paddy Breathnach’s hallucinogenic and freaky Shrooms, I was excited to check out Red Mist, another film from the Irish director. In Shrooms, Breathnach combined many different horror tropes to create a very inventive and visually stylish film, something I hoped would be replicated in Red Mist. Breathnach does use familiar horror scenarios in Mist, but they are so cliché that the film is just a bore to sit through.

The story is about some stereotypical med students (the good girl, the goth, the bookworm, the asshole, the rich girl, the sensitive guy, etc.) who apparently think they are all still in high school because they pick on socially awkward stutterer Kenneth (Andrew Lee Potts). As in most horror films of this ilk, a prank goes horribly wrong and dear old Kenny ends up on a coma. No one wants to implicate themselves, so they decide to keep the secret within the group and not tell the police or hospital staff. The only one who seems upset over this decision and the overall situation is good girl Catherine (Arielle Kebbel), who feels somewhat responsible since Kenneth had a crush on her. She secretly pumps Kenneth full of experimental drugs that she hopes will pull him out of his coma…unfortunately all that awakens is Ken’s spirit and it’s out for revenge! Kenneth’s spirit begins taking over bodies and killing off the group one by one as payback for leaving him in a coma. Can Catherine stop Kenneth before she’s next?

I really wanted to like this movie since it was directed by Paddy Breathnach, but the more I think about it the more I dislike it. It just felt so generic and predictable, not to mention how silly the premise was. I mean, a coma patient’s spirit possessing others’ bodies and killing people for revenge? Really??? The story just kinda plodded along, and while the direction was competent the film just couldn’t keep my interest, especially with some gaping plot holes (since when can med students pick up any drugs they fancy in the hospital pharmacy?). The film tries to combine elements of a slasher movie, medical drama and possession tale but here the combo just doesn’t work. While the clever combination of sub-genres worked in Breathnach’s Shrooms, here it just feels trite and lazy.

Besides the snooze-worthy story, the characters are pretty unlikable. They try to give Kenneth a tragic backstory, but it never really goes anywhere and the opening scenes (which are quite horrifying and effective) are never really referenced again in the film. Plus, all of the other characters are stereotypes and even the final girl Catherine is bland, so there is really no one to truly root for. The acting varies from grating to annoying to tolerable, so it’s not like the actors make their characters any more likable.

To top it off, none of the deaths are memorable. One girl gets her head slammed multiple times in a car door, another gets her wrists slit open, one slams her head repeatedly against a mirror and stabs herself, a dude gets seduced and then gets Drain-O poured down his gullet, yada, yada, yada. Nothing to write home about.

The only positive thing about the film was the direction, which creates a surprisingly claustrophobic feel in such sprawling hospital. The lighting, believe it or not, is also very well done and while it’s not something I talk about in every film review I believe it bears mention here. However, technical details will not save a doomed film, and the fact still remains that there are better, more entertaining films out there besides Red Mist. Shrooms, for example!

Red Mist was a disappointing effort from director Paddy Breathnach. It’s just plain boring, too cliché and its premise is silly (but not in a good way). Furthermore it has shoddy character development and the acting isn’t what you would call Oscar worthy. It may have nice direction and technical details, but those alone don’t make a memorable film and already Red Mist is dissipating from my memory. Skip it.

Available from Amazon!

Hellgate (1989)

Hellgate has got to be one of the worst, all-over-the-place horror films I’ve ever seen! From the weird gags to groan-worthy jokes to the silly ghost/zombie/ghost town/magical crystals/revenge storylines that crisscross the mess of the movie, I was shaking my head is disbelief most of its running time. However, though there is no doubt this is a horribly bad movie, it still has a certain charm to it.

The film opens with a bunch of college kids on vacation who have rented a cabin in the woods. While they wait for their last friend to arrive, they tell scary stories, including the local tale of the Hellgate Hitchhiker. In the 1950s, a motorcycle gang kidnapped poodle skirt cutie Josie (apparently, poodle skirts use that rip-away technology that stripper clothes utilize!) and took her to the town of Hellgate. No one besides her dad tries to help her, which results in him killing her by accident. Years later, the father still grieves for his daughter but when a crystal is found that appears to reanimate the dead (and make turtles moo like cows or make the newly undead explode or liquefy passerby), he decides to bring back his precious daughter and get revenge on everyone. Josie now haunts Hellgate’s back roads and tries to lure unsuspecting strangers back to Hellgate, which has become a ghost town.

Meanwhile, it turns out the buddy of the college kids gets lost on the way to the cabin and is seduced by Josie (who strikes weird poses like she’s a newbie on American’s Next Top Model or something), but gets away right before her father zaps him with the crystal’s laser beam (I’m not making this up). He finally makes it to the cabin but convinces his friends to return to Hellgate in case Josie needs help. There they are greeted by the rest of the undead denizens of Hellgate…

This movie is flippin’ all over the place and from the first couple of scenes there is TONS to make fun of (Josie’s lame attempts at escape from the bikers, her black granny panties, the fact that no one helps when she is kidnapped, not even a guy with a big-ass shotgun (!), the silly scene where she is killed when a motorcycle crashes through a brick wall she just happened to be standing in front of – and this was only 5 minutes into the movie!!). The silliness only continues from there…some of it good (the banter between the college kids), some of it groan-inducing (ahem, the mooing turtle).

Despite its weird charm, the film still seems confused as to what it really is – sometimes it plays it straight, other times it plays it outrageous, and it tries to cram way too many sub-genres (ghosts, haunted towns, zombies, etc.) into its already silly story. For the most part it doesn’t work and I was rolling my eyes more than I was laughing or enjoying myself. However, this film is such a disaster I couldn’t look away! Its over-the-top nature (Zombie can-can dancers! Copious scenes of glass breaking in slow-mo! Tons of shots of Josie lying in bed pouting over the escaped college student while her nipple pokes through a huge wine stain on her dress! The crystal’s laser making things go all explody!) and straight-up weirdness kept me watching ‘til the bitter end.

Besides just laughing at the bizarre nature of the film, I will say that the zombie make-up, especially in the scene with the cars (these zombies can drive…but in this movie I guess anything is possible), is pretty kick ass. The scene itself, with the zombies starting to crowd around the college students, is one of the few well-done scenes in the film and really stands out against the rest of the trashiness of the rest of the movie.

If you are looking for a truly BAD movie to torture your friends and neighbors with that you can still laugh it, a good option may be Hellgate. At least you can have a few laughs in between the eye rolling and the exasperated sighs. However, under no circumstances would this ever be considered a GOOD movie! Thank god this was the last film for BOTH director William A. Levey and writer Michael O’Rourke!

Available from Amazon!

Open Graves (2010)

You would think that after so many horror movies, characters would know not to accept gifts/directions/help from creepy locals – especially if the local treated you like a stupid tourist one minute but is overly friendly and generous the next. Well, the dense characters in Open Graves have either never seen a horror movie or are just plain dumb, because they have no problem accepting a cursed board game from a local, even when it’s under suspicious circumstances.

You see, the game, entitled Mamba, is an ancient game made by priests out of the skin and body parts of a condemned witch. Anyone who plays it is subject to the game’s fickle cards, so if you die in the game you die in real life. The winner, though, will have the ability to have his or her wish granted. Of course, the characters don’t exactly know this when they decide to play the game one drunken night, but when they start dropping like flies, they realize that the game is causing their untimely deaths. Then it’s a race against time to try and beat the game…and ultimately cheat death.

I have to give it to Lionsgate, the premise of Open Graves sounded pretty solid on paper and the first few minutes, featuring the torture of the condemned witch and the creation of the Mamba game, had me hooked. From there, though, everything went south…fast. One of the biggest affronts was the “development” (or lack thereof) of the characters. They were basically portrayed as vapid, stupid people who only cared about getting laid, getting drunk and getting high. I know the studio is trying to skew to teen audiences, but c’mon! Just once I’d like to see one of these types of films feature smart, savvy characters. Also, the characters were supposed to be “international surfers” (the film is set in Spain) but never once did I see any surfing going on. I don’t know why writers Bruce A. Taylor and Roderick Taylor decided to stick that into the story, but it was another completely pointless shtick among many other plots holes, like the fact that the game was written in English when it had its origins in the Spanish Inquisition or the lame subplot featuring a desperate detective hunting down the game.

My enjoyment of the film just plummeted after the dumbed-down characters were introduced and I begin to notice all the plot holes. My interest deteriorated even more when I witnessed the poor execution by director Álvaro de Armiñán. Nothing in the direction stood out as making this film memorable. The most memorable thing about it was how close the kill scenes were to the Final Destination films. You know the set up – character enters a room/area where there are a bunch of objects made to look threatening, but the thing that kills him or her comes out of nowhere (like snakes dropping out of the sky…who the hell thought that was a clever idea?). Yup, Open Graves was chock full of these annoying scenes, and since they are so familiar, there was no chance of suspense or scares.

Speaking of the kill scenes, the final straw to this awful film was the horrible CGI they used for the truly ridiculous kills. For example, ridiculousness meets bad CGI animals when one guy gets pushed off a cliff by a firefly (I kid you not – and the firefly is kinda like the mascot for the Mamba game and it reappears throughout the film) and then is eaten by blood-thirsty crabs. Another example would be when another character has black mamba snakes drop out of the sky(!) and chase him through a lumberyard before he succumbs to their venom. Then there is the big “twist” of a finale, which again, is just ludicrous and features CGI on-par with a SyFy release (hey, what-do-you-know, Open Graves WAS released on SyFy!) that just makes you role your eyes and shout to the heavens “WHY?” The only outstanding death in the whole film was when a girl met her end in a fiery car crash and tried to crawl out while her whole body was a mass of charred skin still on fire. Nonetheless, this scene doesn’t make up for the atrociousness of the rest of the film.

Not even a phoned-in performance from Eliza Dushku makes this worth a look. Keep Open Graves closed and let this film rest in peace.

Order it on Amazon!

Denizen (2010)

You know, it’s been a while since I’ve seen a truly atrocious indie film, but Denizen has broken my winning streak. Denizen, the third feature from action-oriented filmmaker J.A. Steel (The Third Society, Salvation), was filmed in nine days in Steel’s guerilla style filmmaking on film and 24p video. That’s all fine and dandy, but the film looks dated, the narrative is convoluted and the film has major pacing problems, not to mention the film’s horrendous acting and several technical issues.

Now, I understand all the hard work that goes into making a film on a low budget and how some sacrifices in quality have to be made, but the problems with Denizen don’t necessarily stem from the budget and could have been easily fixed. For example, the story could have been tightened up, unnecessary scenes could have been removed or edited and more attention should have been paid to the pacing of the film. It’s a pity the film isn’t better, because there are glimmers of greatness in Denizen…they just never seem to break the surface.

Peace gets shattered in a small town when a mysterious creature starts to leave a bloody trail. The last hope for the residents to fight the terror and prevent the destruction by military forces rests on the courage and the resourcefulness of a small group of scientists.

Drawing on her experience in her first feature film, The Third Society, Steel brings back a tough motorcycle riding main character in form of Sierra Deacon. It is Deacon’s team, consisting of Dexter Maines (Ben Bayless) and Dallas Murphy (Jody Mullins), that has to save the town from the creature. After several deaths, a special Army Unit, led by General Jernigan (Glen Jensen), is called in to contain the creature, or if necessary, destroy the town. It is a race against time to stop the creature and prevent the town from being destroyed.

What makes the film nigh unwatchable? Denizen is a mish-mash of choppy scenes, unnecessarily dialogue, painful acting, a drawn-out and meandering storyline, poor effects, undeveloped characters and a myriad of technical problems like the many static camera angles that made me think I was watching a poorly-acted community theater production. There is so much wrong with this film that future filmmakers should watch it to see what NOT to do when making a film…this is definitely a Z-grade horror flick.

On the plus side, a major highlight of the film was watching J.A. Steel’s kick ass character of Sierra Deacon. Her gruffness and take-charge attitude made it hard to take my eyes off of her! Plus, her character has a nice twist that is one of the only cool things that happens in the flick (and its idea of the “monster within” really should have been developed more). J.A. might not be cut out for filmmaking, but she was the only decent actress in the entire production! Her performance was pretty much the only pleasurable thing about watching Denizen. 

I wholeheartedly support indie filmmaking, especially when helmed by a woman director, but I can’t sugarcoat the fact that this film is just downright awful. I may support indie filmmaking and women filmmakers, but only when the movie is actually worth championing!

Visit Denizen’s Myspace!

Diagnosis: Death (2009)

The big selling point of Diagnosis: Death is that it features the trio from cult comedy show Flight of the Conchords (Bret McKenzie, Rhys Darby and Jemaine Clement) but fans of the show shouldn’t get too excited…each are only in the film for less than a few scenes and none of them play pivotal characters.

Perhaps a better selling point for horror fans is that the official synopsis compares it to Peter Jackson’s early films like Dead Alive and Bad Taste…too bad Diagnosis: Death doesn’t remotely live up to this comparison. Perhaps a more precise title of the film would have been Diagnosis: Zzzzzzzzz, because it nearly put me to sleep.

Teacher Andre (Raybon Kan) and student Juliet (Jessica Grace Smith), both with terminal disease, are both undergoing experimental treatments at a drug-testing facility, lead by the Nurse Ratchet-type Nurse Margaret Bates (Suze Tye). A side effect of the drug is hallucinations, but when both Andre and Juliet start experiencing the same sinister visions of a horrific double murder that may have occurred at the facility, they decide to get to the bottom of the mystery…even if it threatens their lives.

Diagnosis: Death does have its moments of laugh-out-loud quirky humor, but that is the only part of the film that actually rings true. The horrific elements of the film fall severely short, complete with stereotypical Ju-On/Grudge-type scares (a creepy kid, suicide/murder, watery footprints, etc.) and horrendously rendered “ghosts” (including a ridiculously out-of-place scene where ghostly skeletons are boning…ok, that scene alone might be worth a rental). I will say there are some disturbing scenes, including a hanged woman and said creepy kid hiding under a desk, but they were too far apart and the rest of the film dragged.

The film felt unbalanced and at times it felt like I was watching two different movies – a comedy on one hand and a B-horror film on the other – and it just didn’t feel like the elements of horror and comedy ever melded together to create a cohesive film. It’s a pity that the pacing and storyline were so off, because the actors all did a good job. The film is based in New Zealand, and I believe most of the actors are from there. Raybon kan and Jessica Grace Smith were great in their roles, though their age differences made things a bit awkward at times. I especially enjoyed Suze Tye’s performance as the no-nonsense Nurse Bates. And, of course, The Flight of the Conchords guys all did a great job in their brief performances…but seriously, we are talking mere minutes of screen time, so don’t get too excited.

Despite a few positives, Diagnosis: Death arrives DOA and unfortunately can’t be resuscitated with even the quirkiest of humor. Unless you wanna see a couple of wispy, CGI skeletons doing it doggy style, steer clear!

Buy it on Amazon!

Killer Shorts (2009)

It’s no secret that indie films have it tough. Not only are the odds stacked against them because of lack of budget, but also they usually have an inexperienced crew and cast. For an indie film to really set itself apart, its story must be unique and offer a new perspective on the horror genre.

Still, most low-budget indie films fall into the trap of committing just any old story to film or, even worse, sacrificing story for gory special FX that the filmmakers couldn’t afford in the first place.

Unfortunately, the indie horror anthology Killer Shorts falls into this trap and fails to deliver anything new or interesting with its three short films. Without interesting stories to propel the shorts forward, Killer Shorts poor production values are glaringly evident and make the anthology painful to sit through.

A collection of three films, Killer Shorts begins with a horribly unnecessary horror host awkwardly introducing each of the stories amidst a Halloween prop filled cemetery. The first short is Puncture, which tells the tale of a couple that decide to meet the woman’s sister at a party…only when they get there they discover that all the guests have been killed by a vampire. After poking around a bit, they flee back home, where they gather up crosses, garlic and even have a priest bless a bucket of water before returning to the dead party to slay a vampire. This short doesn’t have much of a plot and the characters just meander about for most of the short. The only commendable thing about the film is a fun performance by Misty Simmons-Poteet (the only decent performance in the entire anthology).

The next short is called The Last Rendezvous, where after many boring, unnecessary scenes we learn that two people are having an affair behind the backs of their significant others. The two cheaters meet up at an abandoned house, but are discovered…and a mysterious killer shows up to dispatch them. This whole short just feels dragged out and anti-climactic. There are lots of random scenes that are poorly constructed and don’t make any sense within the larger context of the story (like the scene of some guy skipping then spinning in a circle down the sidewalk…really?? WTF??). Plus, you can see the “twist” coming from a mile away.

The short with the most potential is the last one, called Navstar. The short is about a GPS system that directs people to an isolated area so a strange alien-like creature can kill them. The idea of technology turning malignant and luring people to their deaths may not be very original, but it is still interesting and feels relevant. Unfortunately, the execution of the story is just horrible, suffering from the same problems as the other shorts: poor acting, slow pacing, shaky direction and silly special FX, including a man in a rubber suit playing the creature.

Killer Shorts was made for less than $1,000, a fact that is glaringly evident by its poor quality. I’ve seen many indie horror flicks, both good and bad, but Killer Shorts is quite possibly one of the worst I’ve seen. Its production values, from the acting to the editing to the directing and beyond, are atrocious. Even the score is grating. If it had focused a bit more on developing its storyline, perhaps it would have been bearable, but as it stands Killer Shorts is downright deadly to watch.

Autumn (2009)

A few years ago I had the pleasure of reading David Moody’s melancholic zombie novel, Autumn. It was both thought-provoking and frightening, relying on its solid character development to make readers really care about the three main characters. Moody’s first few pages about a virulent virus that wipes out 99.9% of the population grabbed me immediately before moving into the novel’s more character-driven focus.

Since I had been such a fan of Moody’s novel, I was very much looking forward to the film adaptation. Autumn is a different kind of zombie story, not your typical story featuring zombies craving brains or flesh. I was drawn to its unique style within the novel, but could that style be replicated on screen?

One beautiful autumn day the whole world goes to hell. In a matter of minutes a vicious virus has killed billions of people and left only a few survivors. In one particular town, survivors meet in a building as the world around them falls apart. Dead people lie rotting about the streets and the survivors know that their meager supplies won’t last forever. One morning the survivors suddenly discover that the dead have risen and are walking aimlessly about. They don’t seem to pose a threat, but none of the survivors wants to get too close.

Finally, three survivors – Michael (Dexter Fletcher), Emma (Lana Kamenov) and Carl (Dickon Tolson) – decide that can’t stick around the city anymore and head into the country to find more isolated digs. They wind up at an old farmhouse that seems to be far away from the undead. Yet, it appears that whenever they make any noise, like driving cars or running a generator, the undead are attracted to the sound. Also, the undead appear to be getting smarter and meaner with each passing day…

I was really hoping that this indie film would preserve the feeling I had when reading the book Autumn, but, alas, it just wasn’t meant to be. This Autumn is sloppily filmed, poorly edited and is pretty much a big mess. Even if you haven’t read the book and are just looking for a good ol’ zombie yarn you will be sadly disappointed in Autumn.

First of all, the opening scenes were some of the most anticlimactic I’ve ever seen in a post-apocalyptic movie. Billions of people are dying every second and this slo-mo intro is the best they could do? The main characters aren’t even properly introduced, instead we sorta-see (the editing makes it jumpy and choppy, so you’re not really sure who or what you’re seeing) where they were at the time of the virus outbreak. To catch a viewer’s attention you really need a strong intro, and Autumn’s was extremely weak…and the movie just went downhill from there.

So, not only was the story poorly set up, but there is no attempt to even get to know the three lead characters! One of the biggest strengths of the novel was that we got to know each of the characters, making us care about what happened to them. This film, on the other hand, takes no time out to even develop the characters, therefore I didn’t give a lick what happened to them. All we see are the characters having conversations with each other, but that just doesn’t shed enough light on who they are, who they lost and what they went through. I usually don’t like voice-over narration in films, but in this instance it definitely would have helped at least introduce the characters and their situations. Without getting a feel for the characters, I didn’t really care what the zombies did with them, which killed any potential tension and made the whole film drag.

The whole story, written by Steven Rumbelow (who also directed) suffered because it wasn’t properly set up and the characters were never developed. After those two things happened I quickly lost interest in the film. I think that Autumn is a very internalized and isolated type of story, so it would be hard to adapt it to the screen. On the other hand, I just don’t think the screenplay was constructed carefully enough and the horrible, haphazard editing definitely detracted from any of its good points. The entire film just lacked cohesiveness and a well-executed plot. With so many things against it, it didn’t help that the film’s pacing was very slow and created lots of boredom.

Another negative thing I must mention about the picture was the atrocious sound quality. I could barely hear what the actors were saying so I would jack up the volume, but the next scene would feature some horrible music (oh, goodness, don’t get me started on the awkward score – none of the music throughout the film made a lick of sense – one scene it felt like I was listening to the score for Star Wars and the next scene felt more like the music from Britney Spears’ Crossroads movie…blegh!) that almost blew out my speakers! Filmmakers – get your audio levels corrected before sending out your films!! It’s annoying as all hell to have to turn up the volume to hear dialogue but have to turn it down again during the next scene when the soundtrack BOOMS!

I wholeheartedly support indie films, but only ones that are actually GOOD and worth your time. There are just too many things wrong with Autumn to even tepidly recommend it. Not even a small role featuring David Carradine (the film is dedicated to his memory) can help this film or make it watchable. Though I felt the makeup of the zombies (or “Meatsuits”) was pretty decent (especially a scene featuring an old woman tied to a bed), overall it still looked amateur. Besides the rotting undead, there’s not many scenes of gore or carnage besides a group of zombies eating a dog. Now, I went into the film not expecting to see much blood, but after being bored for over an hour and a half I was expecting a little something-something to spice things up…but sadly things were never kicked up a notch.

Skip this sad excuse for a film and go read David Moody’s Autumn novel instead! You’ll be much more entertained!

Buy the book on Amazon!

Nature's Grave (2009)

Australia has always captivated me. “The land down under” just seems so wild, untamed and dangerous, featuring some of the world’s most venomous/poisonous animals, insects, reptiles and plants known to man. I’ve always wanted to visit there, but the thought of adding to the destruction of its unique ecosystem just turns my stomach. I don’t want to be just another one of those disrespectful tourists that go tramping through nature, spoiling the region’s natural beauty and tranquility! Not to mention that I might come face to face with some of its more deadly inhabitants!

So, when I received the film Nature’s Grave (releasing August 4th, 2009 from Screen Media Films), which just so happens to be set in breathtaking Australia and shows how Mother Nature can strike back against careless humans, I was eager to check it out! The film opens right away on some jaw-droppingly beautiful shots of Australia’s north coast before cutting to bickering couple Peter (James Caviezel) and Carla (Claudia Karvan), who are taking a long weekend and leaving on a camping trip to try to patch up their disintegrating marriage. Of course, some stormy weather keeps them on the road longer than they expected, so they don’t arrive to the isolated, hidden beach they are planning to camp on until very late at night. Right away Carla gets a strange feeling about the place, but stubborn Peter seems more interested in getting drunk, going surfing and spending time with his dog, Cricket, than working through any of their problems (one of which is that he is a selfish prick).

The couple is supposed to meet some friends there, but they never show. As Peter kills and terrorizes the local wildlife, throws beer bottles into the ocean, hacks away at trees and Carla sprays bug spray over everything and tries to spend most of the time as far away from nature as possible, the surrounding wilderness takes on an ominous feeling. It seems that Mother Nature isn’t taking too kindly to their intrusion. They hear strange crying noises at night, Peter is attacked by an eagle, animals break into their food and something very large lurks in the water just off shore. Carla insists they leave, but Peter can’t be bothered by her warnings and just wants to stick it out.

When they realize just how much danger they are in, it’s already too late and it’s time for Mother Nature to get even…

I wasn’t aware of this before watching Nature’s Grave, but it is actually a remake of a 1978 Australian film titled Long Weekend. From what I hear it has a bit of a cult following and is definitely worth a look. As for Nature’s Grave…eh, not so much, I’m afraid. It is supposedly a shot-for-shot remake of Long Weekend, but I’m guessing it is missing A LOT of the previous film’s subtleties and nuances.

Nature’s Grave is directed by Jamie Blank, who directed the awful Storm Warning and the mediocre Valentine and Urban Legend. Often times the film feels flat, and feels like it’s missing any kind of emotional connection with the audience. There are some beautiful shots of the Australian wilderness and wildlife, but at times it just didn’t feel like there was enough. I also thought the film’s creepy moments lacked punch and could have used with a few more scares.

The story, written by Everett De Roche (he also wrote the original Long Weekend), moves at a slow-but-sure pace, and I actually enjoyed the slowly-building dread. However, the characters are highly unlikable, with an over-the-top performance by Caviezel that feels like he’s never taking his character seriously to Karvan’s strangely reserved character that doesn’t even fight back when her husband tells her to “go fuck yourself”. Neither character is interesting and you don’t want to root for either, which kills any kind of tension that De Roche tried to build in his story. Without anyone to root for to survive, I found myself waiting for Mother Nature to extract her revenge on these two characters.

Though there are a few creepy scenes – one where something is lurking in the ocean’s crystal blue waters, another where a dead animal is seemingly moving of its own accord and, towards the end, another where Peter finds some other “campers”, most of the “revenge” that happens occurs because of the two characters’ doing. In the end, it’s really their own stupidity that catches up with them as opposed to Mother Nature. This really is a pity, because I was really hoping to see the characters ripped apart by animals or plants after how disrespectfully they treated nature.

Nature’s Grave isn’t that memorable of an affair. Though it has a few spooky scenes, the performances of the two actors and the way their characters are written are just grating and make the film hard to sit through. And when their final curtain finally comes, it just doesn’t feel vicious enough for what you’ve had to put up with the last hour and a half. My advice? Seek the original Long Weekend out…it has to be infinitely better than its remake, Nature’s Grave.

Buy it on Amazon!

I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer (2009)

I’ve been looking forward to I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer ever since I heard about this satirical Australian slasher a few years ago! The concept of a killer cricket player combined with the promise of plenty of slapstick screwball comedy really had me eager to check it out! Well, now it is finally hitting DVD stateside on June 30^th, 2009 and I finally got to see it. I gotta say, though, this film was a bit of a let down for me.

While IKHMRYSLS is clearly meant to be a horror comedy along the lines of Shaun of the Dead and Black Sheep, it fails to deliver. It is seriously lacking in the comedy department and its threadbare story is dragged out over its feature-film length while its unlikable characters don’t do much except look like the thickest bunch of blokes I’ve ever seen in a film.

Twenty years ago, a young cricketer was bullied so much by his teammates that he was hospitalized. Now, he’s all grown up and out for bloody revenge with an arsenal of razor-sharp cricket gloves, sharpened stumps, nailed balls and a sturdy cricket bat.

After gruesomely offing his first few victims, the police become involved and move the remaining teammates to an isolated “safe” house in the middle of nowhere…where one by one victims are brutally (and hilariously killed).

Despite the film’s awful “comedy” falling flat and the thin storyline stretched beyond its breaking point, I have to say that the deaths are pretty darn entertaining. Though they are pretty much the only entertaining thing in this film, they are reason enough for a rental. Sharpened cricket stumps are shoved down throats and through bodies, a ball stuck with nails is thrown at someone’s head, a Freddy Krueger-esque razor-fingered cricket glove is used to disembowel victims, a cricket bat is used for several pummelings and (my favorite) a nail-spiked sports cup is forcibly shoved into some guy’s privates. While the deaths are entertaining, they barely make the rest of the film worth watching.

The story, written by Doug Turner (who co-directed with Stacey Edmonds), just didn’t have enough humor and barely squeezed a few weak laughs out of me. When the best jokes are about gay hairdressers you know you have a problem. The dialogue was inane and downright annoying at times. The film also suffered from poor pacing or maybe it was just lack of story to fill the time between kills. Though it starts right off the bat with a kill, from there the film just meanders and the story never fully develops. There was so little story and character development that I found myself not engaged by the story, but just waiting for the next kill.

The characters are just kind thrown into the story without any character development and while I understand that many of them are just fodder for the killer, it would have been nice to have someone to root for. As it was, I didn’t really have anyone to care about except for the killer since he was the only one offering me any kind of fun in the film. I also thought that the police characters weren’t all that necessary (except for the twist at the end) and the film could have easily been made without them hampering the story. The inclusion of the police just felt like padding. I will say that I enjoyed the mainly male cast. Slashers usually feature a mostly female cast, so it was nice to see the victims being males for a change.

Speaking of padding, the scenes between the kills felt exactly like that – just fluff in between the only interesting bits. I didn’t see anything to prove that this film is “satirical” in any way…unless you count the out-of-nowhere gratuitous shower scene featuring Miss Nude Australia that spoofs the random shower scenes that appear in many slashers. The kills were pretty over the top, but they didn’t exactly spoof slasher flicks. I just felt that with few exceptions that IKHMRYSLS missed the boat on the comedic aspect of horror films.

I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer is a missed opportunity at a good horror comedy. It seemed to have so much potential, but this indie flick left me infinitely more disappointed than satisfied. The only thing that this film scores are fouls.

Available from Amazon!

Friday the 13th (2009)

Remakes. Reimagings. Reboots. Whatever you choose to call recycled and reused ideas in Hollywood, everyone has their opinion on them. Most horror fans think they are all rubbish, and I tend to agree. Sometimes, though, I see a few of them so I can judge for myself whether they are decent or completely useless.

In recent memory there have only been a few decent remakes, like Alexandre Aja’s The Hills Have Eyes. With the hope of something good coming out of all the unoriginality Hollywood has to offer, I set out to watch the new Friday the 13^th “reimaging,” which really is a mix of parts 1, 2 and 3 instead of a straight remake. I’ve been wary of it ever since I first heard about it, especially since it was produced by Michael Bay and directed by Texas Chainsaw remake director Marcus Nispel, but even though I thought a reboot of the classic was unnecessary, I figured I’d give it a chance.

A chance I wish I had never taken…

A group of 20-somethings hike into the woods to look for a pot farm, which just happens to be near the abandoned Camp Crystal Lake. One of the kids explains how 20 years ago Mrs. Vorhees went psycho and slaughtered the camp counselors, blaming them for her son’s drowning death at the camp. The kid goes on to explain that Mrs. Vorhees son, Jason, is actually rumored to be alive and killing people to avenge his mother’s death in the very woods they are in. ‘Sho ‘nuff, they’ve stumbled on Jason’s stomping grounds and he makes bloody quick work of the group.

Six months later, Clay is looking for his missing sister, who was one of the unfortunates in the pot-seeking group. Clay has had no luck with the authorities around Crystal Lake taking his sister’s disappearance seriously, so he’s decided to take things into his own hands. He is convinced that she disappeared near Crystal Lake and won’t give up until he finds some clue or leads about her disappearance. Clay meets up with a bunch of douchebag rich kids who are partying at a cabin by the lake and one-by-one they meet their deaths at the hands of Jason.

I couldn’t even think of a synopsis that would make this film sound interesting! Seriously, Hollywood studios, please stop insulting horror fans’ intelligence by releasing these watered-down remakes! I know you are just trying to make a quick buck, but does that buck have to come at the expense of genre fans? We are the core audience of these remakes, so stop pissing us off!!

There are so many things wrong with this movie I don’t even know where to start. The main things that really bugged me about this reboot were the plot holes, inconsistencies and just overall laziness with the story. Freddy vs. Jason writers Damian Shannon and Mark Swift aren’t known for their consistency and other writer Mark Swift’s only claim to horror fame is his The Messengers script, so right then and there you know the story isn’t going to be the film’s strongest point.

First off, let’s talk about some of the ridiculous story points in the plot. The opening scene with the first bunch of kids searching for pot didn’t ring true at all. If it was Jason’s stomping grounds do you really think he’d let a pot farmer plant his crop there? Don’t think so! And weren’t the kids even remotely worried about pot farmers, who usually pack heat as well as plant booby traps so no one gets in their crop? The whole “pot” angle really could have been left out of the movie and nothing would have been lost, which really makes me wonder why it was in there in the first place! That may be a minor quibble, but another WTF moment came when we are introduced to Jason’s underground lair. Yep, apparently Jason has spent the last 20 or so years tunneling under Camp Crystal Lake and building an underground hideout just like Leatherface and family did in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2! Was this necessary? Did this make Jason any scarier? Did this make any kind of sense? No, no and no!!

As for the characters, they were all unlikable buffoons that you didn’t care about. None of the women really stood out and didn’t have much to do except get naked and all the guys were pretty much macho assholes or stoners. At least in the originals there were some spunky kids you could root for, but here it is a barren wasteland of banality. The closest we came to having any empathy was for Jared Padalecki’s character of Clay, but even then he would turn around and do something boneheaded (like fighting douchebag rich kid #1) that made you lose all sympathy for him.

You’d think watching the lackluster characters suffer horrible deaths would be fun, and it might have been had the kills actually been brutal or at least interesting. The lack of gore and uninventive, boring deaths sure were a snooze, just like the rest of the movie. The only memorable death I can remember is one involving someone in a sleeping bag suspended over a camp fire being burned alive…but that was within the first 15 minutes and it was all downhill from there.

The only commendable thing about this “reimaging” is Derek Mears performance as Jason. Physically, he looked the hulking, menacing part and also got down Jason’s creepy mannerisms quite well! The character of Jason, being faster and smarter, is a bit different from the one we are used to and I can’t say I enjoyed his ninja-quick way of disappearing and reappearing (like from the ground to onto a roof in 1.5 seconds), but Mears’ performance was the only thing I enjoyed in the film.

Friday the 13^th is a spotty patchwork of plot holes, unlikable characters, unbelievable circumstances and uninteresting kills. Marcus Nispel’s direction looks sleek and flashy as usual, but you can’t really polish a turd. No matter how pretty and shiny it looks, the weak storyline, stupid characters and lackluster kills just drag this film down.

A very disappointing reboot for horror fans, Friday the 13^th is one Friday you’ll want to forget.

Available from Amazon!

Hallows Eve: Slaughter on Second Street (2008)

Any horror film that has any kind of word in its title relating to Halloween immediately grabs my attention. Good Halloween horror flicks are surprisingly hard to come by, so I was looking forward to checking out low-budget flick Hallow’s Eve: Slaughter on Second Street. Unfortunately, the film doesn’t have anything to really do with Halloween or its history, instead it is just set at a haunted house attraction around October 31st. Something that small doesn’t necessarily ruin the film, but the poor direction, bad acting and under-developed, dull story certainly make this indie flick a chore to sit through.

A reputedly haunted horror attraction in a small town is closed down after some “accidents” make the landowner a little leery. It’s just a few days before Halloween, and the owner of the attraction is determined to make some money whether the attraction is closed to the public or not, so he hires a team of ghost hunters to see if the building really is haunted. Throw in a few more bumbling characters and they all get locked in for the night. Sure enough, people soon start keeling over and its up to the remaining survivors to find out who or what the killer is.

When the main inspiration for a film  is Scooby Doo, you know you have a problem. Everything, from the characters names, way of dressing, demeanor, etc., to the hokey reveal of the killer seemed like they were paying homage to a Scooby Doo episode. I mean, this just went too far and made the film even cornier than it already was. Instead of focusing on a cartoon, why not focus on the season of Halloween and add some atmosphere that way?!

If this film needed anything (besides a decent story, that is), it was some atmosphere. The building where the (lack of) action took place didn’t look anything like a haunted attraction, unless a successful haunted attraction in a small town consists of a bunch of skeletons strewn about a room. The film didn’t evoke any kind of creepy atmosphere when THAT should have been its strong point. Any film that is set around October should have a very strong Halloween vibe, but Hallows Eve had no such atmosphere going for it.

Furthermore, there were some really awkward camera angles used throughout filming. Either they didn’t have much room to shoot or someone didn’t know how to aim a camera properly. Either way, they should have learned to work with what they had, instead of showing closeups of chins! The camera work also did nothing to create any kind of tension. You could tell a “scare” was coming a mile away (hey look, the lights have gone out again…time for someone to die!) and there was nothing shocking or anything to make you jump, even a little, over the course of the entire film.

As for the special FX, you could tell that with a low budget they tried their best…but most of the gore gags just weren’t shocking enough to illicit any kind of response from me except for, “eh” (and that was for the most decent ones). We don’t see anything new here, with the usual stabbings, impalements, disembowelments, etc. I really wish the kills had been more inventive or at least more eye-catching to keep my attention.

Speaking of kills, this film really needed some better actors who could actually react when someone died. When any of the characters discovered one of their friends butchered, they were just like, “eh, so what do we do now?” Their reactions were so preposterously indifferent that I just wanted to reach through the screen and slap them! For heavens sake, show some shock, sadness, panic, anger…anything!! Most of the actors were this monotone throughout the majority of the film as well, whether they were the ones being killed or the ones discovering the kills. I can’t entirely blame the actors, though, because the dialogue was so atrocious! I can allow for the corniness of some of the jokes, but the rest of the dialogue felt archaic and unbelievable.

The BIGGEST problem this film had, though, after its many flaws we just discussed, was the story, written by director P.J. Starks and Rodney Newton. From the opening scenes where people are seemingly getting butchered for no reason to the end where the “evil” continues, we are never quite sure what is going on. The film really could have used some sort of establishing storyline to set the whole film up or offered a more in-depth history of the “haunted” building. Even the wrap-up after the uncloaking of the “killer” felt sloppy and vague. There also needed to be some serious editing, where many pointless scenes or scenes that ran on too long ought have been left on the cutting room floor. These pointless scenes just bogged the film down further and made it a real snoozefest.

Hallows Eve: Slaughter on Second Street is a very poorly constructed film that is almost entirely composed of problems instead of offering any kind of entertainment. Besides its misleading title and having little to do with the actual holiday of Hallow’s Eve, it has a sloppy story, bad acting, lackluster effects and becomes almost a parody of itself as it borrows so heavily from Scooby Doo cartoons. In my opinion, horror films should really aspire to be more than just silly homages to cartoons that feature stoner dogs.