Bitch Slap (2009)

Bitch Slap is a straight-forward exploitation flick that emulates the grindhouse flicks of the ‘60s and ‘70s. It pretty much has all the exploitative elements you could ask for…oodles of violence, nudity and sex. But let me get more specific…it’s got girl fights, water fights, tons of boob shots, gratuitous slo-mo, strippers, Kevin Sorbo (in a small role), cat fights, girl-on-girl action, nuns, an Asian schoolgirl with a killer yo-yo, a punk thug with Tourette’s, Mohawks, stolen diamonds, explosions, spies and even Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior. Really, what more could you ask for?!

The premise is simple: three women end up in the middle of the desert to steal a bunch of valuable diamonds from an underworld kingpin. As they struggle to find the exact location of the jewels, they get a few surprise visitors and secrets start being revealed as we get a glimpse into their past to see exactly how they ended up in their current predicament.

Full of non-stop action, Bitch Slap is an enjoyable rollercoaster ride of brutal violence interspersed with sexy slo-mo shots of our three girls, strippers and the like. It is also wickedly funny in parts and really wears its inspirations on its colorful sleeve. It is certainly over the top and outrageous, but if you like that sort of thing you’ll love Bitch Slap!

The acting is equally over the top, but it works in the scope of the film! All of the actresses do a fantastic job and I found myself liking them all. Julia Voth played the seemingly innocent Trixie, Erin Cummings played the leader Hel and America Olivo played the tough Camero. The supporting characters were also equally good.

However, an exploitation film isn’t exactly focused on acting, so let’s talk about the action, shall we? Both kinds of action, the sensual and the explody kind, came fast and furious. If people weren’t getting their asses handed to them or getting blown to bits, then they were gettin’ down. Though some of the special effects were done with obvious green screen work (the whole Vegas scene, among countless others), most of the blood and guts work was excellent! And even when it looks fake it just adds to the over-the-top charm of Bitch Slap! I also liked the use of split screen to show both side of the action at all times. And it looked damn cool, too!

I also appreciated the nice little twist at the end…very well done since I didn’t see it coming!! The narrative structure, as it kept jumping further and further back into the past as the film progressed, kinda annoyed me at first but made sense after a while. Kudos to writers Eric Gruendemann and Rick Jacobson (who also directed) for creating such a fun story and for tying everything up at the end.

If you enjoyed films like Grindhouse and Machete, you will no doubt love Bitch Slap! Check it out today!

Available on Amazon!

Bad Habits (2009)

Bad Habits is a stylishly filmed Australian flick that harbors a much more complex, surreal storyline than its nunsploitation roots would lead you to believe. It is a film that is elevated far above the usually trashy, exploitative films that it pays homage to.

The synopsis of the film, from the official site, is as follows:

Sister Marie Fenche (Sandra Casa) is a woman on the verge of collapse. Barely able to distinguish reality from fantasy, Marie’s life is thrown into turmoil when she awakens one morning, alone in a room with a corpse in the bathtub. Is she being set up or did she kill the man herself? The truth is not even Marie knows for sure.

Bad Habits is a journey straight into the subconscious of its protagonist; a place where reality and fantasy intermingle so completely as to be entirely indistinguishable. Marie’s only grounding in this confused world is Jamie (London Gabrielle), an innocent young nun who is both equally enamored and repulsed by her.

Jamie can only help so much, however, and Marie’s world comes crashing down when she encounters a mysterious stranger who triggers dark and dangerous memories.

Unable to sleep and addled by pills Marie releases her final grip on reality as her dementia leads her deeper and deeper into a world of violence, sex and drugs.

Bad Habits’ story, written by Dominic Deacon (who also directed), is a mysterious, surreal and nightmarish trip through the fractured mind of the lead character, Sister Marie Fenche. The film isn’t just a crude, perverse exploitation flick, but goes deeper to examine the confused mind of Marie. Sure, there are lesbian nuns, nudity, drug use, sex scenes and bloody murders, but the flick is far less exploitative than it touts itself to be.

The character of Sister Marie Fenche is so interesting because she has no moral compass. As a nun, she is supposed to be holy, but she is anything but! She drinks, fights and fucks her way through each night without a single care for the consequences. She is addicted to heroine, pills and Lord knows what else. She can’t tell the difference between right and wrong or reality and fantasy. She kills indiscriminately, but does it all while looking damn good!

Speaking of looking good, Bad Habits has a very stylish noir/pulp thriller look to it despite its low budget. The film has an amazingly polished and professional look to it as well. The film’s grim tone is set by the gritty atmosphere of the film. Each scene is bathed in shadows and shades of gray and blue. The only breaks in the bleak atmosphere are the jarring splashes of red as blood flows from the multiple murders that occur in the film. It’s not that the film’s focus is on gore, but we do see our fair share of slit wrists and throats, stabbings, shootings and so on.

For a low budget film, I was mostly impressed with Bad Habits. Even the acting by everyone involved was top-notch, something usually unheard of in no-budget film. Despite this high praise, the film did have its problems. The biggest problem was the pacing. The film is broken up into three segments, the first called “Lizard in a Woman’s Skin” (a nod to the Fulci film), the second “So Sweet…So Perverse”, and the last and final part “Crazy Hot”. I felt that breaking the film up into segments was pretty unnecessary, especially since most of the film is surreal anyway and the audience never knows if what they are seeing is real or just a figment of Marie’s fractured mind. They also break the film up and slow down its already languid pace.

Overall, Bad Habits is a much more sophisticated film than it gives itself credit for. Despite some pacing problems, the film is beautifully filmed, expertly acted and contains a mysterious, interesting story. The surreal quality of the story reminded me a lot of David Lynch’s experimental films, quite an accomplishment for an independent film!

Visit Bad Habits’ Official Site!

Book Review: Sacrifice by John Everson

Sacrifice is author John Everson’s astounding sequel to his debut novel, Covenant, but it works extremely well as a stand-alone book as well (I have never read Covenant, though after Sacrifice I am eagerly going back to read it!).

With Sacrifice, Everson delivers a nonstop assault on the senses, mixing sex, violence, taboos (a nun becomes a sexually charged, sadistic killer, the hero falls in love with our 15-year-old heroine), solidly developed characters, a frenzied pace and scads of grisly ritualistic killings. There are so many perverted, debased acts in the novel that it definitely isn’t for everyone, but even I, who usually thinks that mixing sex and violence tends to be more exploitative than scary, enjoyed Sacrifice and its shocking tableaux.

From the book’s back cover:

They’re coming. They are a race of sadistic spirits known as the Curburide, and they are about to arrive in our world, bringing with them horrors beyond imagination. The secret to summoning – and controlling – them has fallen into the hands of a beautiful, sexy and dangerously insane woman.

Ariana has dedicated her life to unleashing in our realm through a series of human sacrifices, erotic rituals of seduction and slaughter. As she crosses the country, getting ever closer to completing her blood-drenched mission, only three figures stand in her way: an unwilling hero who has seen the horrors of the Curburide before, a burgeoning witch…and a spiteful demon with plans of his own.

The book is a nonstop thrill ride, and I had a hard time putting the book down once I started it. It immediately throws you into the intrigue of Ariana and her sexually-charged but viciously executed conquests as well as the story of our reluctant hero Joe, who is trying to escape a past encounter with the Curburide and has been burdened with the demon Malachai. When Joe picks up young Alex, who has been able to see and communicate with dead people her whole life and has her own dark past, it’s not long before Malachai reveals they must work together to stop the Curburide. Ariana is no longer working alone, though, and has picked up Jeremy, a man who is finally ready to release all his pent-up tension and aggression. There is a lot going on within the novel, and never once does author Everson allow you to catch your breath. He keeps it all steadily forging forward until you reach the unbearably tense climax, where I felt like I just couldn’t read fast enough to get to the conclusion!!

Everson does an excellent job developing all the characters, including the villains. Even though Ariana is a horrible person for wanting to unleash the Curburide on the world, I still felt inexplicably drawn to her and wanted to see what she would do next. I also very much enjoyed her back story about being a nun and finding out about the Curburide. Her sidekick, Jeremy, was also fleshed out enough where I could understand his actions and why he ultimately chose to join Ariana. Unlike most other novels, time is taken to tell the story from Ariana and Jeremy’s (the villains) side as opposed as just telling it from Joe and Alex’s (the heroes) perspective. As for Joe and Alex, both of their pasts are complex and time is taken to tell about both, without ever slowing down the fast pace of the novel. Both of their pasts contain tragedy that they are both trying to escape. There is also the awkward budding romance between Joe and Alex, which is unnerving and creepy since Alex is only around 15 and Joe is in his late 20’s. I could have done without this inappropriate romance, but in a way it made the characters of Joe and Alex more real as they each faced their temptations.

The aspect that Sacrifice never falters in is its shocking descriptions of gore. The ritualistic killings are disturbing by themselves, but what happens after the victims’ throats have been slit is even more disgusting! Let’s just say that the Curburide thrive and gain power from sexual perversion and Ariana definitely wants to please them. Besides spending a little quality time with the bodies, there is also a very specific arrangement of their organs she must adhere to in order for the ritual to work. By the time she’s done with them, the floors, walls and even ceiling are coated with bits of grue and different bodily fluids.

Sacrifice is a thrilling and shocking piece of genre fiction that deserves to be on every horror fan’s shelf. It’s got enough gore and perversion to shock even the most deviant of minds, but it also has well-developed, realistic characters and an extremely engaging and fast-paced storyline. John Everson is an excellent horror author and I don’t hesitate to call him the future of horror fiction!

Buy it on Amazon!

Two Front Teeth (2008)

Dear Santa, 

This year all I want for Christmas is a new holiday horror movie that actually delivers. I can only watch Black Christmas, Christmas Evil and Silent Night, Deadly Night so many times over the holidays! I want something new, something fresh and something that doesn’t involve horrible acting from 20-year-olds trying to pass themselves off as teens. 

Santa, if you bring me this one thing, I promise to be good all next year…no matter how many bad horror movies I have to put up with.

Yours truly,
Fatally Yours

And with that, it seems that Christmas has come early this year, as Santa delivered a shiny new Christmas horror movie to me called Two Front Teeth.

Two Front Teeth may not be all I asked for – it drags at times, has bad pacing and the storyline isn’t as developed as I’d like – but this horror-comedy delivers plenty of laughs.

Gabe Snow (Johnny Francis Wolf) is a timid journalist who works for the X-Mas Files, an Enquirer or sorts that covers holiday-related phenomenon, such as sightings of Rudolph, mutant snowmen, Santa giving the gift of…crabs, a sex scandal involving Mrs. Claus, and so on. While he’s busy working late one Christmas Eve, his wife Noel (Megan Pearson) is busy boinking a mall Santa…when out on the roof arises such a clatter, she and mall Santa spring from the bed to see what is the matter. They don’t find Santa coming down the chimney, but instead some vicious, bloodthirsty elves. It seems that one of Gabe’s stories is actually true, and these evil elves will stop at nothing to find Gabe’s source for the story. Gabe’s source has something of value to the elves and that it is all tied to a story Gabe wrote on the crash of Flight 1225.

Gabe and Noel flee the elves, but end up wrapped up in a Christmas conspiracy involving tooth fairies, evil elves, a vampiric Santa Claus, nun assassins, Rudolph’s red nose and killer fruitcake. Can Christmas be saved before it’s too late?

Two Front Teeth is certainly a fun film, peppered with Christmas references, but it is not without its flaws. Its comedy is superb, with quite a few very funny lines (“They didn’t have any ho-ho’s” or “You’ll shoot your eye out, you son of a bitch! ), but the plot feels lacking, almost like the jokes were written first and the story was cobbled around them. The lack of a well-developed story is the film’s biggest problem and really drags the film down. The reason why the elves are attacking and the story surrounding Flight 1225 are explained briefly (in an animation scene), but I would have preferred more of a focus on this part of the plot. Without more emphasis on the how’s and why’s, the film soon starts to feel like we are just watching Noel and Gabe run from point A to point B to point C, which definitely gets old after a while.

The pacing also feels uneven. When the film begins we are immediately thrown into the action, but as Gabe and Noel try to outrun the evil elves things get repetitive. Things pick up towards the end in a final showdown, but between then things feel a little slow. Also, some scenes drag on a bit too long and the film could have benefited from some tighter editing.

Despite these problems, the film features some truly memorable Christmas gags. My personal favorites include the “Silent Knights,” a trio of nun assassins sent from the Vatican to save Christmas, the 3 Kings Motel, using fruit cake as a weapon and Clausferatu, a vampiric Santa. This kind of humor is definitely the film’s strong point.

Another strong point is the acting. For an independent film, all the actors do a good job with their characters. Even the actors who play the evil elves are creepy! And what great makeup is done on them! The special effects, with the exception of a cheesy severed head, are also decent, though this isn’t a gory film.

Two Front Teeth is by no means a perfect film, but despite its flaws it still manages to be pretty damn entertaining. If you are looking to add a bit of Christmas cheer to your holiday season, all you need is Two Front Teeth!

Ask Santa to stuff it in your stocking!

Available from Amazon!

Night of the Demons 2 (1994)

Everyone knows that for a good time you should call Angela, because she puts on a killer party! This time around, a bunch of horny Catholic school students decide to crash her long-abandoned pad on Halloween night.

After one too many bumps in the night, the group (or what’s left of them) hightails it out of the house and back the tame Catholic school Halloween dance…but things don’t stay tame for long! It seems that they’ve brought Angela (Amelia Kinkade) back with them and soon all hell (literally) breaks loose! Can the kids, with the help of Sister Gloria (Jennifer Rhodes) and Father Bob (Rod McCary), banish Angela back to hell?

A perfect follow-up to the original, Night of the Demons 2 is chock full of TG and A – tits, gore and ass!!

The story is surprisingly well done, with lots of humor, gore and nudity to round out the party vibe of this movie. The characters are all nicely developed as well, even the ones that exist only as demon-fodder. The characters are anything but your cookie-cutter horror movie stereotypes (with the few exceptions of the slut, the jock, etc.) and are usually quirky and well-developed. I loved the character of Sister Gloria, especially the scene where she gets ready to fight Angela – rosary nun chucks – check, holy water balloons – check, yard stick – check!

The acting is wayyyy above average, with great performances across the board by the entire cast! A few familiar faces pop up here and there (Christine Taylor!), but all the actors are equally awesome when it comes to their performances.

Now let’s talk about what we’re really here for…the gore! The gore here is nice and juicy, just like in its predecessor, Night of the Demons. There are numerous bloody decapitations, stabbings and demons melting into chunky puddles of grue. There’s even one scene where a possessed girl’s boobs attack a guy, which you’d think would be every guy’s fantasy…but after you see this scene you’ll think otherwise!! She’s a real man-eater!

All in all, Night of the Demons 2 is an excellent sequel that’s the perfect mix of fun and gore to watch with friends on a balmy summer night.

Available on Amazon!

The Convent (2000)

The Convent is a raucous, ridiculous and fun film directed by Mike Mendez before he did The Gravedancers. Fans of gory horror films that feature a prominent vein of goofy comedy are sure to love The Convent.

It’s 1959, and a Catholic school girl, named Christine, approaches a convent with a leather jacket slouched over her shoulders, a cigarette dangling from her mouth, big sunglasses on, a barrel of gasoline and a bag of weapons, all to the sounds of “You Don’t Own Me.” She enters the convent and proceeds to beat the nuns and priest inside with a baseball bat before lighting them on fire and gunning them down. The whole place soon goes up in flames and the story becomes local legend…

Forty years later, the convent is abandoned and is said to still be haunted by the nuns and priest. Rumor has it that Christine went bonkers after the nuns forced her to have an abortion. Christine was locked up in a mental institution for a number of years, but now she resides in town, living as a recluse.

A group of college kids go looking for a little excitement at the convent, but soon get kicked out by two cops (Bill Mosely and Coolio in two memorable cameos!), all except for Goth chick Mo, that is. She is snatched up by the local satanic cult as a virginal sacrifice. Things go kablooey and the demons are mistakenly set loose by the bumbling Satanists.

When the rest of the college kids begrudgingly return to look for Mo, they are attacked by the demons and they themselves are turned into demons. The demons don the nuns’ and priest’s clothes and are intent on bringing forth the Antichrist. One of the few survivors, Clorissa, escapes to find Christine (the adult Christine is played by the kick ass Adrienne Barbeau) to see if she can again stop the nuns. Turns out Christine killed the nuns and priest not because of a clandestine abortion, but because they were demons who wanted her unborn baby to turn into the Antichrist! The demons have returned to try and finish the ritual that they started, this time with Clorissa’s geeky and virginal brother. Can Christine save the day…again?!

Director Mike Mendez really packed this movie chock-full of his love for cheesy, over-the-top ‘80s horror films like Night of the Demons, Evil Dead and Demons. His exuberance and excitement for the genre is apparent and contagious!! If anything, this movie will make you appreciate the giddiness Mendez has for the genre and hopefully you’ll start feeling equally giddy!

This is a movie that never takes itself seriously and has fun emulating horror films from the past. It winks at the audience while paying homage to ‘80s horror and creating a wholeheartedly entertaining flick. From the stereotypical characters (jock, stoner, rich boy, horny couple, geek, Goth, Final Girl, Satanists, etc.) to its over-the-top gore (decapitations, head squishings/explosions, stabbings, shootings etc.), The Convent is a real throwback film.

It also helps that the script, written by Chaton Anderson, is downright hilarious! And not with that subtle, self-effacing, satirical humor so popular nowadays, either! No, the one-liners are packed full of cheesy, corny goodness, like something straight outta the 80s!

The special effects are worth mentioning as well, as the demonic nuns ooze florescent-colored blood (quite a clever way of getting around the MPAA rating board; this movie got away with a PG rating). The gore is never hardcore or realistic, but it’s never meant to be that way. Instead, it functions as mostly comedic and over-the-top, but that’s exactly what Mendez was going for.

Adrienne Barbeau (The Fog, Creepshow) is perfectly cast as the adult, tough-as-nails Christine. Her whisky-drinking, chain-smoking, Harley-riding, gun-toting and otherwise larger-than-life demeanor fits beautifully in the action-packed film. It is also a pleasure to see Bill Mosley (House of 1,000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects) in a small cameo as a dope-smoking cop along with Coolio. The rest of the cast gives pretty cheesy performances, but that’s the whole point, isn’t it?

If you’re in the mood for a fun film that reflects the energy and enthusiasm of 80’s horror movies, look no further than The Convent.

Available on Amazon!