Thursday, September 30, 2010

Book Review: Halloweenland by Al Sarrantonio


Sinister carnivals. The Lord of the Dead. A strange little girl. A town known as the Halloween capital of the world. And a Halloween that just might be the world’s last. With these intriguing plot points, I couldn’t wait to dig into Halloweenland by Al Sarrantonio. I especially looked forward to reading the book as a kick-off to the Halloween season.

From the back cover:

In Orangefield, Halloween is never normal – and this year will be no exception. For Orangefield is now the home of Halloweenland, a bizarre carnival run by the mysterious Mr. Dickens. No one who sees the carnival doubts that it’s a very strange place, but its real secrets can hardly be imagined.

Orangefield is also the home of Detective Bill Grant, who thinks he’s seen it all. He’s on the trail of an odd little girl, a girl who could hold the end of the universe in her hand. The trail will lead Grant to Ireland, the ancient home of the Lord of the Dead, then back to Orangefield, where, on what may be the last Halloween, the ultimate battle between Life and Death will take place.

Halloweenland is a very fast, very entertaining read. I feel the settings of both Orangefield and Ireland really got me in the spirit of Halloween. I especially liked Orangefield, which seemed to be the kind of town that goes all out for Halloween. We’re talking about jack o’lanterns on every porch, a Pumpkin Festival, creepy abandoned pumpkin patches and so on. Hey, I wouldn’t mind living there!

Al Sarrantonio has given us vivid autumnal imagery with Halloweenland. His words beautifully evoke the spirit of Halloween, which is partly what I was looking for when I picked up the book. You can almost smell the pumpkin spice and burning leaves in the air!

My only complaint was that the book is too short at only 230 pages. The last 70 pages include the short story that eventually became the first part of Halloweenland. Though it boasts a different outcome, the short story is pretty much a repeat of the first chapters of the book. I would have rather Sarrantonio expanded a bit more on certain characters, like the little girl and the carnival owner, instead of including his original short story.

I also thought the setting of Ireland wasn’t explored enough. The characters spent most of the time sight-seeing rather than exploring the roots of Halloween and Samhain. Reflecting back, this was really a wasted opportunity and didn’t even feel necessary in the grander scheme of the story.

However, despite these flaws Halloweenland was a fun and fast read with some great Halloween imagery. I look forward to reading Sarrantonio’s other books in the Orangefield series.

Available on Amazon!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Mr. Halloween (2007)


Ugh, where do I even begin with this movie? Since I am absolutely famished for new Halloween horror films every time around this time of year, I’ve decided to scrape the bottom of the barrel with films like Mr. Halloween. However, after sitting through this nearly 2 hour long amateur horror flick, I wish I would have just stuck to the Halloween classics!

Mr. Halloween (played by Edgar Allan Poe lookalike Bill Loomis) is the titular character who every year builds a haunted house for Halloween. Problem is, some people think his props are a little too real…and they are right. Mr. Halloween is butchering kids all over town to use as props in his twisted haunted house. Despite the high number of missing children in the small town, the local cop is ineffectual and doesn’t do anything about the problem. It’s up to a couple of the town’s kids to stop Mr. Halloween…but what if they are next?

Again…ugh. I certainly picked a winner with this one! You know, it didn’t start off so bad. It had the low-budget hallmarks of bad acting, horrible script, amateur FX, etc., but there was some nice fall foliage on display and the geeky characters were kinda likable. However, these “likable” characters quickly showed just how lame-brained they were by sneaking around Mr. Halloween’s house and getting themselves sliced and diced into bloody props. The rest of the characters, including a high school kid with one of the most ridiculous mustaches I’ve ever seen, survive until the next Halloween, but they also make the mistake of poking around where they shouldn’t. The characters had such horrible dialogue and made such stupid mistakes that I didn’t care if they survived. And the “final girl” was one of the most annoying characters I’ve had the displeasure of seeing in a horror flick. The only reason she makes it so far is dumb luck and that she was always around another character that Mr. Halloween conveniently picked off first. All she did the entire film was ask stupid questions, scream and whine.

Oh, and by the way, pay no attention to the artwork on the DVD cover. There is no little girl or stupid clown in this asinine movie. Neither of those images appear anywhere in the film and I’m baffled by their use on the cover! As mentioned above, the killer is an Edgar Allan Poe lookalike and dresses in a blue jumpsuit Michael Myers would be proud of. However, the character is more weird than scary. He never really talks, spends all day strapped to an old electric chair and spends nights tromping around his Halloween props. How stupid do the people in this town have to be to not realize he’s the guy kidnapping their kids?? The lack of logic in this film just boggles the mind…

I had to endure nearly two hours of this agony, but with this review I hope to spare you from watching this irredeemable piece of crap. Yes, it is low-budget and I’m sure the first time filmmakers put a lot of time and effort into this thing…but good intentions and hard work don’t necessarily pay off if you have a script written by what seems like 5-year-olds.

Available from Amazon!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Sutures (2009)


A battered woman stumbles out of the wilderness and is admitted into the hospital…once she has been treated Detective Zane (Jason London) visits her to ask about her ordeal. The young woman, named Sienna (Allison Lange), recounts how she and her pre-med friends headed up to an isolated castle for some rest and relaxation. However, a mysterious man in black followed them, and one by one they were kidnapped and taken to a dank underground “hospital” where crazed Doctor Hopkins (Andrew Prine) utilized his new “patients” for experiments as well as harvesting their organs for the black market. However he and his staff treated them, one by one they ended up dead…except for Sienna, who happened to escape.

As Sienna recounts her tale to the Detective, she tells him more about the man in black, whose name was Alexander Tatum (Carlos Lauchu). Alexander should have been a renowned surgeon, but a tragic past and a daughter diagnosed with a rare disease lead him to help Doctor Hopkins in exchange for a possible cure for his sick daughter.

Will Detective Zane get to the bottom of the killings? Will Alexander come after Sienna now that she’s escaped?

Yes, this is another kids-getting-kidnapped-for-their-organs movie like a ton of other “torture porn” flicks out there. And, in my opinion, it’s one of the most boring. I was expecting some nicely done gore and a familiar but entertaining story…however I didn’t really get anything I was hoping for. The movie never really “grabbed” me and I was bored from the first couple of scenes all the way to the end. You don’t know how many times my finger was itching for the fast-forward button!

However, even though I didn’t like the film, let me rattle off some technical strengths it had…First off, it was competently shot thanks to director Tammi Sutton. I thought the lighting was great and the scenes in the underground black market “hospital” were very atmospheric. The acting was also pretty decent; I especially liked the performances from Allison Lange as survivor girl Sienna and Carlos Lauchu as the dark and mysterious Alexander.

These few strengths, however, were not enough to make Sutures a good or enjoyable film. I’ve read positive reviews of the film, all of which left me scratching my head. Did we watch the same film? The film started somewhat strongly enough once it got past the boring bits of showing Sienna and Detective Zane in the hospital. The group of pre-med students was typical, but at least the characters had distinct personalities. Things started getting rocky when attention was averted to Alexander. At first he was an intriguing and mysterious presence, but that mysteriousness was all stripped bare as soon as he killed a gas station attendant. By that time, too much had been shown of the killer and my interest in him waned.

Then, somehow Alexander became like a ninja and was able to infiltrate the castle and soundlessly kidnap the kids one by one. This just seemed implausible to me and was pretty groan-worthy. The action then moved to the underground hospital and started to feel awfully like Hostel. Except that instead of people paying to torture youths, Doctor Hopkins had set up a kind of underground medical school. He had the victims pumped full of exotic diseases and gave them fatal wounds, then challenged his med students to keep them stable. Or he just ripped their organs and breast implants out to sell on the black market. An interesting concept, but it was never developed to its potential. Plus, this storyline diverted attention from the much more interesting Alexander (maybe by “interesting” I just mean hot, ok!), who was demoted from lead killer to the Doctor’s lackey.

With all these intersecting storylines things got convoluted pretty fast. There’s the story of Detective Zane trying to get answers from Sienna, then Alexander’s tragic past flashbacks, then the Doctor’s black market hospital and Sienna’s survival of the hospital. It just tries for too much and while the twist ending tries to tie up loose ends, it just fails. The ending might come as a surprise, but that’s only because it is so ludicrous.

Making things even more confusing was the editing, which jumps from past to present randomly and with little explanation. Look, I don’t need my hand held when watching a film, but the jumpy editing made things hard to follow and the film really should have been more streamlined.

Plus, who the F cast the kids who are supposed to be some of the characters as children in flashbacks?? Did no one notice they were completely different races than the adult characters? It’s called common sense and continuity, people, and the filmmakers failed on both accounts!

All of these problems may have been forgiven had there been any memorable bloodshed in the film, but the gore is all pretty typical. Well-done, but uninteresting. People who have been infected with a disease spew up black bile, limbs are hacked off, organs and implants are cut out, people are shot and so on, but nothing that really stood out to me. Perhaps I’m just a jaded horror viewer, but none of the gore in Sutures grabbed me.

Sutures is a forgettable film that lacks a cohesive narrative and an engaging story. It’s poorly put together and not even the gore scenes are memorable. To me, it was a very bland horror flick with few redeeming qualities. If watching horror flicks about organ harvesting rings is your thing, then by all means have at it. However, if you like your horror original, scary and gruesome, Sutures is not a good match. My body definitely rejected it (nyuck, nyuck!).

Available from Amazon!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Book Review: Vampires Don't Sleep Alone by Elizabeth Barrial and D.H. Altair


How would you like to snag your very own Eric, your very own Bill, or maybe your very own Edward (though BARF on that last choice!)? The cleverly cute Vampires Don’t Sleep Alone: Your Guide to Meeting, Dating and Seducing a Vampire can be your guide to unlocking the secrets to being lucky in love with your very own immortal.

From the back cover:

Passionate and dangerous, the vampire is the ultimate lover. Stalking his prey in the dark of night, he is not easily tamed. But armed with the right skills for seducing a sexy immortal, you can meet, date and ultimately sleep with the vampire of your dreams. Vampires Don’t Sleep Alone provides the vital information you need to take a walk on the dark side and delve into the pulse-pounding world of vampire love and lust!

Let me tell you, if I could have an opportunity to seduce Eric from True Blood…::swoon::…I’d do it in a second! And with the helpful hints from Vampires Don’t Sleep Alone at least now I’d be prepared!

Written like a self-help dating book that assumes vampires are real, it is a very enjoyable, funny and sexy book that covers many different aspects. You can definitely tell the authors have done their homework! First, it gives you an introduction to vampires and basic info on different types (“Nosferatu, Lord Ruthven, or Carmilla: What Sort of Vamp are You Looking For”), their complicated relationships with their makers and addresses the large age difference between most vamps and their human companions (“VILFs: He’s 700 Years Old, and So Are His Hang-ups”). It then moves onto a section on the etiquette of dating a vampire, including chapters on what to wear for your vamp, “The Lucy Westernra Predicament: What to Do if He’s Turning Your Friends”, “The Van Helsing Issue: What to Do When Your Friends Dissaprove” and how to address the issue of his past. The third and final section of the book delves into the romancing and bedding a vampire. It covers subjects like “Shapeshifting: A Form of Roleplay” and “Is Feeding Cheating?”, among other things.

Authors Elizabeth Barrial (co-owner of Black Alchemy Lab) and D.H. Altair (the nom de plume of author and Dark Delicacies proprietor Del Howison) have crafted an amusing and enjoyable read. I especially appreciated the fact that it avoided lovey-dovey Twatlight-like romance. Instead of glittery, emo vampires, Vampires Don’t Sleep Alone emphasized the danger and unpredictability of vampire lovers. Which, hello, is what makes vampires so attractive in the first place!

Darkly witty and seriously sensual, Vampires Don’t Sleep Alone is the perfect book for all vampire fans!

Buy it on Amazon!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bitch Slap (2009)


Bitch Slap is a straight-forward exploitation flick that emulates the grindhouse flicks of the ‘60s and ‘70s. It pretty much has all the exploitative elements you could ask for…oodles of violence, nudity and sex. But let me get more specific…it’s got girl fights, water fights, tons of boob shots, gratuitous slo-mo, strippers, Kevin Sorbo (in a small role), cat fights, girl-on-girl action, nuns, an Asian schoolgirl with a killer yo-yo, a punk thug with Tourette’s, Mohawks, stolen diamonds, explosions, spies and even Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior. Really, what more could you ask for?!

The premise is simple: three women end up in the middle of the desert to steal a bunch of valuable diamonds from an underworld kingpin. As they struggle to find the exact location of the jewels, they get a few surprise visitors and secrets start being revealed as we get a glimpse into their past to see exactly how they ended up in their current predicament.

Full of non-stop action, Bitch Slap is an enjoyable rollercoaster ride of brutal violence interspersed with sexy slo-mo shots of our three girls, strippers and the like. It is also wickedly funny in parts and really wears its inspirations on its colorful sleeve. It is certainly over the top and outrageous, but if you like that sort of thing you’ll love Bitch Slap!

The acting is equally over the top, but it works in the scope of the film! All of the actresses do a fantastic job and I found myself liking them all. Julia Voth played the seemingly innocent Trixie, Erin Cummings played the leader Hel and America Olivo played the tough Camero. The supporting characters were also equally good.

However, an exploitation film isn’t exactly focused on acting, so let’s talk about the action, shall we? Both kinds of action, the sensual and the explody kind, came fast and furious. If people weren’t getting their asses handed to them or getting blown to bits, then they were gettin’ down. Though some of the special effects were done with obvious green screen work (the whole Vegas scene, among countless others), most of the blood and guts work was excellent! And even when it looks fake it just adds to the over-the-top charm of Bitch Slap! I also liked the use of split screen to show both side of the action at all times. And it looked damn cool, too!

I also appreciated the nice little twist at the end…very well done since I didn’t see it coming!! The narrative structure, as it kept jumping further and further back into the past as the film progressed, kinda annoyed me at first but made sense after a while. Kudos to writers Eric Gruendemann and Rick Jacobson (who also directed) for creating such a fun story and for tying everything up at the end.

If you enjoyed films like Grindhouse and Machete, you will no doubt love Bitch Slap! Check it out today!

Available on Amazon!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Book Review: Horror Movie Freak by Don Sumner


Horror Movie Freak is a “gore”-geous guide to essential horror movies that will certainly be a treat for any horror fan, especially with Halloween right around the corner! This beastly book and its glossy, full-colored photos will definitely fit right in on any horror fiend’s bookshelf!

Plus, you know you’re in good hands when the book in question is written by the knowledgeable Don Sumner of Best-Horror-Movies.com! Don has compiled quite an enjoyable book here, full of essential horror films, plus a few fun surprises! The book is broken down by categories, including “Aberrations of Nature”, “Classics” that has sub-sections like Universal Horror, Hammer Horror and Other Classics, “Foreign Horror”, “Psychotics” and so on. Not only does it have essential horror film picks for numerous sub-genres, but it has great sections like “Beginner’s Shelf”, with horror movie recommendations for newbies, “Remake Nation” that discusses horror movie reimagings, a section dedicated to scream queens and even a section that has recommendations for horror flicks to watch on Halloween.

I really dug how the book is organized. Each film is given about a page of space, and in this page Sumner gives a brief synopsis and why the film was chosen to be included in the book. There are also quotes and full color posters and photos from each film. The page layouts are beautiful and eye-catching, making the book a complete package of both brains and beauty!

Though the book covers well-known horror films that most fans have seen, it is still enjoyable to read! I may not agree with all the selections in the book (Dead Silence?! Really?!), but Sumner backs up his choices with eloquent descriptions and explanations. For the most part all of the selections are indeed essential horror viewing and I agree with about 98% of the picks.

Horror Movie Freak is a polished and fun book that is chock full of horror movie info for everyone from seasoned horror fans to genre newbies. Its high quality, both in content and design, makes it a book that is deserving of any horror fan’s bookshelf! Let your Freak flag fly and pick up this stunning book today!

Available on Amazon!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Hack-O-Lantern (1988)


In my quest to watch every Halloween-themed horror flick I can get my hands on, I decided to give the obscure Hack-O-Lantern a whirl. This film combines one of my favorite subgenres of horror, satanic cults, with my favorite holiday, Halloween. What could go wrong, right?

The film opens with a young boy named Tommy as he is visited by his friendly grandfather on Halloween. Grandpa gives him his pick of pumpkins as well as an ominous looking pendant. Tommy’s family doesn’t like grandpa visiting his grandson and Tommy’s father goes after good ol’ grandpa to give him a piece of his mind. However, grandpa isn’t as nice as he seems…he’s actually the leader of a satanic cult and they dispatch Tommy’s dear old dad right quick.

The film then jumps ahead several years to the eve of Tommy’s 18th birthday that happens to coincide with Halloween. Grandpa has grand plans for Tommy’s initiation into his satanic cult, but Tommy’s beleaguered mother pleads with him to reconsider. Also concerned for Tommy’s well-being are his younger sister and brother, who is a rookie cop.

With Halloween celebrations in full swing, a robed, Devil-masked killer starts murdering townsfolk. Can Tommy’s family stop him from joining his Grandpa in the Dark Arts or are they already too late?

At least the title got it right…HACK-O-Lantern is an apt title for this painfully silly “horror” movie. Good god, this movie felt like it dragged on and on though it clocked in at under an hour and a half. It had its entertaining parts (more on these later), but overall this is a serious piece of cinematic doody. The first glaring evidence of this was the ridiculous acting from Hy Pyke, who played Grandpa. Are all Satanist leaders this effeminate and non-threatening? And then we have the actor who played Tommy, Gregory Scott Thomas (whom you might recognize as Mac’s father on the hilarious TV show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Tommy is supposed to be nearing 18 in the film, but Scott Thomas is seriously mis-cast as he looks like a ‘roided out, 30-year-old jock rather than a young teenage follower of Satan.

Then, there are all the wacky and weird scenes throughout the movie. These are the “entertaining” bits I mentioned above. First is a seriously strange dream sequence/metal video that features an exotic voodoo-like dancer (check her out on the flick’s cover above) who, 1.) has multiple arms like a Hindu goddess, and, 2.) shoots horrible-looking lasers out of her eyes that zap the band members. This is a seriously WTF scene, but wait! It gets better…There’s the whole branding scene where nubile young Satan worshippers get their butts branded with a pentagram, another horrendous dime store metal band that screeches during a Halloween party that features random strippers and a five minute sequence of a “comedian” doing stupid impressions…of turkeys. Not to mention the amount of devil’s horns the characters throw around…except instead of the traditional holding up of just pointer and pinky fingers to hail the devil, the characters hold up pinky, pointer AND thumb…which actually means “I love you” in sign language and NOT “hail Satan”. Those silly satanists! Seriously, though, Grandpa, Tommy and other cult members throw the horns around non-stop…so much that you could in fact make a drinking game out of their appearances, taking a shot every time someone flashes the devil’s horns. However, you would probably be sloshed in 20 minutes…but perhaps that would be a better state of mind in which to watch the movie. Maybe if you’re drunk it would at least be kinda enjoyable.

Plus, there is the whole sleazy aspect of the film. We are talking random nudity (and not good nudity, it’s all low-budget ‘80s nudity here!) like the previous stripperella at the party mentioned above, plus a few non-sexy sex scenes. There is also the whole subtext of incest that pops up throughout the film. It is hinted that Tommy is actually the son of his mom and his grandpa. Yup, how ‘bout a big old EWWWWW from the audience, eh? I was half expecting that Tommy put the moves on his mom, but thankfully the film didn’t go down that road!

As for the kills? They were almost an afterthought and the only decent one worth mentioning is when a dude gets a shovel through his noggin. Yes, it is a low-budget film but the kills took a long time coming…too little too late in my opinion. It’s like the film couldn’t decide if it wanted to focus on the masked killer or the satanic cult and it ended up not giving enough attention to either. I also think too much time was spent on Tommy’s family, including his sister, brother and mother, instead of focusing on the supposed main character of the film, Tommy. The only time we saw him was when he was brooding in his room, listening to his crappy metal music and having weird dreams, or slamming the door in his poor mom’s face.

The ending had a nice little twist as to who the killer was, but by then I was really too bored to care. I watched Hack-O-Lantern for some fun Halloween thrills, but found it more of a chore to sit through. A film with a cool name like Hack-O-Lantern deserves to be somewhat entertaining, but this was more like Crap-O-Lantern.

If you are a brave soul, the VHS is available on Amazon!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...