Monday, June 4, 2007

Creepshow III (2007)

If you are one of those people who thinks that maybe, just maybe, Creepshow III, the far-flung, money-hungry, distant relative to George A. Romero and Stephen King’s Creepshow I and II, isn’t as bad as everyone says it is and just might deserve a chance in your DVD player, I’m here to stop you. Creepshow III is just as bad as everyone is saying, if not more so. It exists solely to rape horror fans and plunder the good names of Romero and King. Sloppy storylines, unlikable characters and a silly overarching theme that goes nowhere makes Creepshow III painfully boring to sit through.

Creepshow III is a collection of five short segments. The first, “Alice,” tells of a spoiled teenage brat whose father buys a universal remote from the street. Trouble is, whenever he pushes a button, Alice is transported to an alternate reality and her body starts festering with more and more sores. The second story is entitled “The Radio” and tells of a loser security guard who scores big when a radio he buys off the streets starts talking to him and tells him where some loot is hidden. Things go south when the radio tells him to kill to protect their secret. “Rachel the Call Girl” is about the title character, a serial killer prostitute who meets her match in an unusual client. Next is “Professor Dayton’s Wife,” where two of the professor’s students think the professor is playing one of his famous pranks when he introduces them to his fiancĂ©. Thinking he’s created the perfect woman with robotics, the two decide to play their own prank on the professor. Finally, there is “The Haunted Dog,” about an uncaring doctor that is haunted by a homeless man whom he gave a toxic hot dog to.

There is absolutely nothing special about any of these stories and they all meander on (and on and on) as I was stared slack-jawed in disbelief at their stupidity. The only segment I barely enjoyed was “Rachel the Call Girl,” and that is only because the gorgeous Ryan Carty (of The Clique) starred in the episode. The rest of the segments were all pointless, and while the same characters appeared throughout the entire film, there was no clever attempt to tie any of them together.

The characters themselves are all one-dimensional and stereotypical. In the segment “Professor Dayton’s Wife,” I was infuriated to find that the “perfect woman” (according to the obviously out-of-touch writers) was a blonde, giggly housewife that hid any intelligence behind her kitchen apron. All she did was serve the guests food and giggle like a child while dressed like a ‘50s housewife. It’s a horrible travesty that the filmmakers decided to capitalize on the Creepshow pedigree, but it’s also ridiculous that they decided to perpetuate this outdated and offensive “ideal” of the “perfect woman.”

The acting alone should be enough to keep you away, as it was absolutely atrocious. There were a few exceptions, of course (like the previously mentioned Ryan Carty), but for the most part the acting was cringe-worthy to watch. Almost all the actors felt completely unnatural, forced their lines and/or overreacted. Ugh…I’m shuddering as we speak as I think about the acting.

The direction is plain, boring and nothing like the fantastical comic book look of the first and second Creepshow. The opening animated segment looks cheaper than the cartoons played on public access channels and the fortune teller featured on the front of the DVD has no bearing whatsoever on the story. The special effects, what few there are, are CGI and extremely cheesy.

Unless you are an extreme masochist and enjoy pain and misery, I advise you steer clear from the no-good Creepshow III. Avoid this one like you’d avoid a distant relative seeking money…AT ALL COSTS!!

Available from Amazon!

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