Book Review: The Canal by Daniel Morris

In The Canal by Daniel Morris, a deadly monster lurks beneath the waste and stink of a city’s sewage canal, leaving behind the skinned remains of its victims. Detective Joe Lombardi has a certain affinity for solving canal crimes, so he’s put on the case. His tragic past has afforded him a familiar relationship with the canal, much to the chagrin of his square partner, Alan. Alan loathes Joe and the sloppy way he dresses and conducts himself. Alan hopes to solve this case for himself so he can get rid of Joe once and for all.

Yet, as they investigate the case they realize the true sinister nature of the murderer and that it just might not be human. The case begins to eat away at both Joe and Alan as more details surface about the murders and they must act quickly before the canal takes any more victims.

The Canal is a definite page-turner, dripping with atmosphere and oozing suspense. Author Daniel Morris gruesomely describes the polluted world of the canal and the gritty city it runs through. You can almost taste the brackish water of the canal and smell its pungent sewage stench through the pages. Several scenes (including several where different characters take the plunge into the diseased waters) had me dry-heaving because like the character of Alan I’m a bit of a neat freak and germaphobe. So reading about people taking a dive into the crusty, sludgy and heavily polluted water that’s not just swimming with nasty diseases but a flesh-eating monster had my toes curling and me squirming in my seat!

I also love how we are just given quick glimpses of the mutated monstrosity of the creature that don’t give away too much. Bit by bit we see more and more, until at the end when you see just how terrifying the monster really is. I think that by holding back the author made the final reveal all the more terrifying!

The author also did a fine job developing each of the characters. I was both intrigued and disgusted by Joe and while I though Alan was initially a prick, I warmed up to him. All of the other characters, from the homeless Rose to the uptight and immaculate “downtown” detective brought in to run the case to the mysterious Paul who treats the monster like a pet and so on, were just as interesting and really helped propel the story along, adding plenty of layers and nooks and crannies to explore.

I also thought the subtle environmental message of being careful what we throw away and being aware of where our waste goes was appropriate and timely. You can either embrace the message or disregard it, but it is definitely there for those that wish to acknowledge it.

The Canal is a great read, offering many twists, turns, sights and smells that you won’t soon forget! It’s a gumshoe murder mystery with a truly terrifying monster and will make you think twice about what might be lurking in the sewage canals of your city!

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Plague Town (2009)

You don’t have to convince me that kids are creepy. I’ve loathed the little buggers ever since I took a job as a babysitter over the course of a summer while I was a teen. The little Spawns of Satan (as I liked to call them) ran me ragged, throwing tantrums, locking me out of the house, torturing me with Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys and generally being little monsters. So, I am always eager to watch evil kid movies, just to see how unpleasant children can be.

Enter Plague Town…14 years ago in a small Irish village something unmentionable was born. So evil was it that the priest was called to kill it, but its parents had different plans. In the present day, a dysfunctional American family is visiting the Irish countryside to try to bond with each other. The father, Jerry (David Lombard), has brought along his fiancee Annette (Lindsay Goranson) to try and bond with his two girls, the gothy Molly (Josslyn DeCrusta) and blond bitch Jessica (Erica Rhodes). Jessica took a fancy to an Englishman named Robin (James Warke), so he too has come along for this family adventure, much to the chagrin of the rest of the family. In between bickering with each other, the family manages to miss the last bus back into town and find themselves stranded in the middle of nowhere with nightfall quickly approaching.

Walking down the road they find an abandoned car, complete with unperturbed luggage, on the side of the road. While Robin and Jessica walk to find help, the remaining three decide to wait in the car. When Robin and Jessica fail to return, the father sets out to find some help. Soon, they all discover that malformed, sadistic kids roam the woods and they aren’t too happy with the outsiders invading their turf.

Supposedly Plague Town was based upon one scene writers David Gregory (who also directed) and John Cregan came up with. This just happens to be THE creepiest and strongest scene in the entire film and involves the character of Rosemary (Kate Aspinwall), the matriarch of the deformed children who has glassy doll eyes in place of her peepers (just take a look at the poster). It’s unfortunate that this is the only scene in the entire film that is effective, because it shows just what tremendous potential this film had. Any potential this film showed is quickly lost in the hackneyed script, undeveloped story and bad acting.

The biggest problem was with the script. The story just felt undeveloped and a bit generic. Not enough was done by Gregory and Cregan to make it a memorable story and I lost interest very quickly. There just wasn’t enough to hold the weak story together and it definitely could have used more development. Plague Town just didn’t have enough material to justify making it a feature-length film and because of that it felt like most scenes were used as padding instead of being used to move the story along. I really would have liked to see more time spent on the deformed kids and the little village they came from.

The killer kids were the most interesting characters in the film, but instead of spending time on their backstory we have to watch the American family bickering between each other. Right off the bat the characters of the family are annoying, especially Jessica. There’s also a certain amount of awkwardness about the characters that doesn’t lend credibility that they are a family. The dialogue feels forced and a bit off…not like a family but rather like a group of strangers who are forced to communicate (but perhaps that was the point).

The characters may have been written badly, but the actors don’t do much to commend their performances either. Some disappear into the background of the film altogether, like Lombard (Jerry, the father) and Goranson (Annette, the father’s fiancee), while others just grate on your nerves, like Rhodes (Jessica). The only two actors who did a decent job were DeCrosta as Molly and Warke as Robin. Warke’s encounters with the evil children are especially memorable, especially when he survives a face-disfiguring shotgun blast and has a creepy meeting with Rosemary.

As for the scares, except for the creepy first encounter with Rosemary, Plague Town continued to disappoint. There are some pretty laughable scenes with the kids hitting people with tree branches, someone getting beat to death with a hubcap and little kids running through the mist. However, I really did like the creepy looks of the children, from the masks they wore (think Michael Myers’ white mask) to their pale, demon-like faces. I also enjoyed the only memorable kill scene of the film where someone is “scalped” by a taut piano wire. With only these two instances to commend the film, though, I find it hard-pressed to recommend Plague Town.

Plague Town tends to drag on and on, like the filmmakers needed to add more to the story to make it feel more complete. What needed to be done was focus more on the horrific mutant children and show more scenes with the nightmare-inducing Rosemary. By the third act, I was barely keeping my eyes open and the inclusion of the villagers really felt tacked on.

I went into Plague Town (despite the misleading title) to be spooked by creepy kids raising hell, but instead I was disappointed by lack of cohesive story, bad acting, poor pacing and only a few scares. Plus, I think the kids I babysat for in high school could whip these mutant kids’ asses.

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Attack of the Vegan Zombies! (2009)

Most zombie movies feature flesh-eating zombies. I mean, it’s almost a given that zombies crave human flesh and their sole purpose is to hunt down and feast on humans. What if, though, zombies went vegan and instead of craving fresh meat they wanted to devour plants? Well, Attack of the Vegan Zombies tackles this whole different approach to zombies…and does a pretty entertaining job of it!

Struggling wine-makers Dionne (Christine Egan) and her husband Joe (writer/director/producer Jim Townsend) haven’t had a very successful year with their winery. Their grape crop is horrible, and if something isn’t done soon they will lose their winery. Dionne asks her mother (H. Lynn Smith), who is a powerful witch, to cast a spell so they have a burgeoning crop next year. Unknown to Joe, who is passed out from drinking wine, they use a bit of his blood in the ritual.

A year later, the vineyard is flourishing and they have a bumper crop. They hire some college students, who are accompanied by their professor, to help harvest the grapes. Unfortunately, because the blood used in the ritual was tainted with alcohol, the vines have become super-aggressive and start killing people and draining them of their blood. The victims, in turn, stagger back to life as zombies…who want nothing more than the grapes and wine that the vineyard has produced. Only problem is that everyone at the winery drank the wine…so the vegan zombies are coming after them, attracted by the wine pumping through their veins!

I really loved the unconventional idea of “vegan” zombies, an idea in horror films that hasn’t really been explored. Though I imagined Attack of the Vegan Zombies to be a comedy about hordes of zombies attacking fields of crops and leaving destruction in their wake, like locusts, it was much different than that. It didn’t just stick to slapstick veggie jokes, but had a well-developed story that didn’t just rely on one-liners. I was expecting an over-the-top horror-comedy, but instead Attack of the Vegan Zombies delivered a well put together and unique zombie film.

What first grabbed me when I popped the disc in was the superior quality of the film. Though the film was made on a small budget, the production values are impressive! Indie filmmakers take note – THIS is what your films should aspire to look like! Every shot was carefully composed, the lighting (even in night-time scenes) was amazing and overall the film just had a professional sheen to it. Major props to director Jim Townsend for making such a visually engaging and enjoyable film.

The story, written by Jim Townsend, was also well done. The dialogue was believable and the back story of the mutant vines and zombies was very well established. The first half of the film is a little slow, but it does a good job of leading up to the last half. In retrospect, I really enjoyed the slow build-up, especially since it gave me a chance to get to know the characters better. Oh, and what characters they were! Most of them were pretty normal – Dionne, Joe, Dionne’s mother, the professor, etc. – but a few were delightfully over the top!

I was also impressed by most of the acting. Jim Townsend (this guy does it all in this movie!) and Christine Egan were fantastic as married couple Joe and Dionne. They were very natural and believable in their delivery. My two favorites, though, were John Kelly and Walter Smith as the two nerdy college students. When I spoke earlier of over-the-top characters, these two are who I was speaking of! Their over-the-top portrayals were just hysterical and a laugh-a-second. I looked forward to every time they popped up on screen. I wish the same could be said about the two actresses that played the lesbian college co-eds, but their acting was at best sub-par and at worst grating.

The special effects makeup was pretty decent, and even the fact that the zombies were little more than actors slathered in green paint didn’t hamper my enjoyment of the film (and in the context, the zombies being green actually makes sense!). There wasn’t much gore to speak of, but nonetheless the film worked even without any major blood splatter.

Attack of the Vegan Zombies really impressed me. Super multi-tasker Jim Townsend, who wrote, directed, produced and acted in the film, has created a very enjoyable, very unique zombie film that will no doubt become a cult favorite. I had a blast watching this film and think you will too!

For more info, check out: www.attackoftheveganzombies.com

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Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

If you have the balls to put “gore” in your film’s title, you better be prepared to live up to your audacity! With that thought, I popped Tokyo Gore Police into my DVD player, not expecting to be overwhelmed with a maelstrom of morbidity that my eyes hadn’t seen since…well, it had been a while. Yet, there I was – feeling queasy and getting ready to pray to the porcelain god for forgiveness that I had questioned the grue quotient of Tokyo Gore Police. I quickly discovered that “gore” was too tame a word to have in its title…and that I would be hard-pressed to find something a word to describe its cartoonish yet no-less-hurl-worthy avalanche of blood and guts.

In the future, Tokyo’s privatized police force is facing their biggest threat yet, something they call “engineers,” which are humans who are able mutate parts of their bodies into fleshy weapons. Ruka (Eihi Shiina, best known for her role in Takashi Miike’s Audition) is head of the police force’s elite engineer hunting squad and specializes in chopping up offenders with her samurai sword. She is also haunted by her father’s assassination and is out for revenge against whoever killed him. As Ruka cuts a bloody swath through Tokyo, simultaneously searching for her father’s killer as well as the one who created the engineers, the elusive Key Man, she doesn’t realize that the killer is closer than she thinks…and that she might have more in common with the engineers than her beloved police force.

Tokyo Gore Police plays like an over-the-top comic book. It’s flooded with bright colors, unbelievable villains and a kick ass heroine. It definitely lives up to the “gore” in its title. The film is a tsunami of blood, flooding each scene with wave after wave of the red stuff. There is also plentiful gore (not surprising since the director of this flick is none other than special effects genius Yoshihiro Nishimura, who was behind the special FX in The Machine Girl and Meatball Machine, with heads being popped open, human flesh being hacked into indiscernible pieces, people split in two, people morphing into mutants with chainsaws, guns, knives and even crocodile jaws as deadly appendages, boobs shooting out killer acid, penises as well as eyes turning into guns and so on and so on. The effects were all cartoonishly realistic and darn it if I didn’t begin to feel queasy after a little while! This is definitely one of the most gruesome and stomach-churning horror films I’ve seen in quite some time!

The storyline was pretty transparent, but it served its purpose well enough. The real focus of the film is of course the gore and carnage, but the story itself keeps you pretty interested. Plus, Ruka is one hot badass, so you have her to root for the entire time. I really thought the commercials and recruitment videos sprinkled throughout the film were pretty clever! I especially liked the ad that made suicide trendy and offered razor blades for cutting yourself in several different stylish colors! I thought these were clever stabs at consumerism and the privatization of government agencies.

My only problems with the film were several strange shots that slowed the pace of the film to a crawl and seemed to serve only as filler (filler was not needed…the movie is overly long at almost two hours). There were a few too many slow motion shots that just went on for too long and didn’t really serve a purpose. Case in point, in the scene where Ruka cuts the hands off an overly handsy train commuter, she pops her parasol to protect her from the rain of blood and the film tracks her as she walks towards the camera…and tracks…and tracks….and tracks some more. Thirty pointless seconds at least could have been edited from this scene, and there are several others like this that bog down the action.

When the action remains unmarred, though, it is a whirlwind of vicious destructiveness! I’ve already spoken highly of the gore, and the fight scenes are wicked as well. The scenes that feature Ruka and other police officers fighting the various engineers are thrilling, bloody affairs. The engineers are twisted, perverted creations – take the one scene set in an S&M club where engineers are the entertainment – one girl has stapled boobs, the other has been turned into a snail-like creature, another has a long, phallic nose and another has been turned into a flat, chair-like creation that pisses over everyone in the audience. Another engineer’s lower body turns into crocodile jaws, giving a whole new meaning to the term “vagina dentata,” while a male engineer sprouts a penis-gun. There are more and more insane creations in the film, many that you have to see for yourself to believe!

If you’re interested in a title like Tokyo Gore Police, you better be expecting tons of grue because that’s exactly what you get with this film! The blood splatter alone, with many, many shots of high-pressure arterial sprays that drench everything in their path – including the camera – would be enough to make this film a bloody cult classic, but it’s the inventive, gut-churning gore that really sets it apart. Except for a few flaws in pacing and editing, Tokyo Gore Police is a must-see for gorehounds everywhere!

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Neon Maniacs (1986)

Neon Maniacs is a delightful, though flawed, film that’s a mix of Nightbreed, Monster Squad and Street Trash topped off with a helping of green Ghostbuster-like slime. It’s no where near as good (or even half as good) as any of the previously mentioned film I’m so loosely comparing it to, but I did find myself enjoying this very guilty pleasure.

While fooling around in the park one night, a group of high school students is systemically slaughtered by a group of deformed monsters, the titular Neon Maniacs. A lone girl named Natalie (Leilani Sarelle) survives the attack after it starts to rain and the monsters mysteriously have to flee. Though she witnessed all her friends being butchered, the cops find no trace of violence or any bodies…except for random patches of green goo. No one believes Natalie and thinks the kids’ disappearances are just a silly prank. No one, that is, except for a spunky young freshman named Paula (Donna Locke) who hears about the attack and approaches Natalie at school to offer her help and support. Natalie brushes the young girl off, so Paula decides to investigate on her own. She’s an aspiring horror filmmaker, and damn if she wouldn’t like some REAL monster footage for her latest film. Following the green goop from the park, she tracks the monsters to a lair under the Golden Gate Bridge. She returns that night with a video camera and lies in wait for them to make an appearance…and sure enough they do. The monsters spot Paula, but not before it starts to rain and she gets away. Apparently water destroys the suckers, and now she knows their one weakness.

Meanwhile, Natalie is getting cozy with Steve (Alan Hayes), the resident geek and boy-next-door type. They go on a date, but it is interrupted by the maniacs, who are after Natalie because I guess they just can’t leave survivors well enough alone…One of the maniacs also goes after Paula, but she’s ready and quickly dispatches him with a wet dip in the bathtub.

Natalie, Steve and Paula join forces and devise a plan to lure the maniacs to a cheesy costume party/battle of the bands dance (be warned: there is horrible, horrible music!) they are having at the high school. They arm everyone with squirt guns, but when the maniacs show up everyone forgets their purpose and runs helter-skelter. Steve-o turns a fire hose on the maniacs and melts quite a few of them, but not before the maniacs kill a handful of kids and police officers.

The police begrudgingly believe Natalie’s story and go to the lair of the maniacs armed with squirt guns and fire hoses…but find nothing there…until the main detective decides to go back alone and take another peek…

In all honesty, Neon Maniacs is a horribly bad movie. Bad acting, bad directing, poor special FX and a nonsensical story line…but I loved (almost) every second of it!! It’s a definite B-movie (perhaps even C or D quality), but it’s still entertaining and fun.

The film is washed out and pretty rough around the edges. There’s not much flair to the direction or cinematography, but that doesn’t mean that it’s unwatchable. As for the story, it’s is pretty flimsy and not well developed at all. The neon maniacs (emphasis on the “maniacs,” as I saw no “neon” in this film), who melt if exposed to water, live in one of the dampest, foggiest places in California – San Francisco! Not to mention they chose a lair that overlooks the San Francisco Bay…which, last time I checked, was full of water! Where they came from was never explained at all either. Are they deformed humans? Are they monsters that like dressing in different outfits? Do they like to sing “YMCA” when they aren’t out tearing people to shreds? It’s not a coincidence that the maniacs have been called the Village People of horror villains!

The maniacs were all pretty cheesy, and not in the least scary. Besides their rubber masks, they’ve each got a strange motif going (like I just said, Village People!): one is a Native American, complete with some weird feathered headdress going on, another one is a cheesy-looking soldier, one’s like a hairy Neanderthal/ape-man, yet another is a surgeon and so on…and there are about twelve different maniacs! There’s one in particular that seems completely out of place (yes, more than the other ones) and looks like one-eyed dinosaur. Was that guy even in the right movie?? He looks like he should be in that Dinosaurs TV show, not as a part of the Neon Maniacs’ gang. Though the maniacs’ origins aren’t explained in the film, if I had to take a guess I’d say that a gay nightclub (hey, it is set in San Francisco) was exposed to radioactive chemicals and that’s how these freaks were created.

As for the other characters, they are all pretty annoying. Natalie just seemed like a whiny, stupid prima donna who couldn’t take care of herself. After all her friends are butchered by crazed, deformed monsters and she barely escapes death, she decides to take a dip in her pool…at night! She also goes to school the next day like nothing happened and finds time to fall for geeky Steve. When the Maniacs are butchering more people at the attack on the school, she and Steve also find time to devirginize her. Natalie sure does have her priorities screwed up! Basic rule of horror movies is that you wait until after the big baddies are for sure dead before gettin’ it on! The only endearing character out of the bunch was Paula. Her nosy demeanor and ambitious indie filmmaking (though she was filming a vampire film in broad daylight) really won me over. Her room was filled with horror memorabilia and filmmaking equipment to make any fan drool (though one has to wonder how much that editing equipment and camera cost back then!!). I also like the fact that she was a strong, independent girl who was into the macabre – not everything you see everyday in films!

The special FX in the film weren’t too bad. This being the 80′s, they were all practical. in the first 10 minutes or so we see a whole group of high schoolers get offed by the maniacs, and this really kick starts the film. Though the actual monster outfits were cheesy, it was pretty neat to see them melt when they came in contact with water. There’s not a great deal of the red stuff being flung around, but there was enough to keep me happy. Be warned, though, this movie is pure cheesy fun so don’t go looking for anything too realistic!

Neon Maniacs is for sure a guilty pleasure! If you want to have some campy, cheesy fun without having to think about silly things like a cohesive plot, Neon Maniacs comes highly recommended!

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Castle Freak (1995)

Despite its silly cover and title, Castle Freak is a surprisingly solid straight-to-DVD film from director Stuart Gordon. Though Gordon is most famously known for his blackly comedic and fun Re-Animator film, he takes a more serious approach with 1995’s Castle Freak, which stars Re-Animator alumni Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton.

An American family inherits a massive castle from an unknown relative in Italy. If the stress of moving wasn’t enough, the family also lost their 5-year-old son just nine months prior. The father, John (Jeffrey Combs) was driving drunk when he crashed the car carrying his son and daughter. His son was killed and his teenage daughter Rebecca (Jessica Dollarhide) was left blind. Since then, things have between John and his wife, Susan (Barbara Crampton), have been awfully strained. John sees the inheritance as a way to rekindle things with Susan, but Susan just can’t seem to forgive him, even though he has sobered up.

Meanwhile, their old Italian housekeeper tells them the scandalous story of the Duchess who lived in the castle and how she took an American husband. The Duchess soon had a child, Giorgio, but her husband abandoned them both and went back to America. Supposedly, Giorgio died when he was just 5 years old and for the 42 years since then the Duchess has let no one inside the castle. Some of the villagers, though, believe that the Duchess kept Giorgio alive and tortured him to punish her philandering husband. The old lady says that sometimes strange noises can be heard coming from the castle...

Soon, strange things start befalling the family. Rebecca swears there is someone else in the castle. After a stressful few days of strange noises and emotional turmoil, John takes to drinking again and even brings home a prostitute. Before long, mutilated bodies start piling up and suspicions fall on him.
Can the family band together to prove that the castle freak exists before John is hauled off to jail or, worse yet, before they all die painful deaths at the hands of the freak?

The most impressive thing about Castle Freak is the depth it goes into in regards to character development. There are no wispy-thin characters and everyone has a detailed background. The interactions between all the players drew me further and further into the story, fully engaging me until I couldn’t pry my eyes from the screen. Of course, Jeffrey Combs was a joy to watch as always. Though he quickly becomes unhinged as the movies progresses, I couldn’t help but feel for the poor guy as well. Barbara Crampton does a fantastic job as the fed-up and overwhelmed Susan, but it’s Jessica Dollarhide as Rebecca that really shines. Even though she was handicapped, she wasn’t whiny or spoiled, but looked at her disability as a challenge she had to face. It was very easy to root for her the entire time! Another standout performance was the castle freak himself, played by Jonathan Fuller. His creepy movement and Neanderthal grunts, plus the raw emotion he exhibited, really left me with conflicted feelings. One minute I was cheering him on as he escaped, the next I was hoping he would be caught…

For a straight-to-DVD film, Castle Freak sure looks sharp, even if it does have a low-budget feel. The special FX makeup and gore are the most impressive. The makeup and prosthetics done on the “freak” look incredibly real and very freaky. The gore is pretty gruesome, especially a scene involving Mr. Freak and the prostitute. There’s a fair bit of whipping, biting, dismemberment and plenty of blood flowing!

I also enjoyed that the film was shot on location in Italy, at an actual Italian castle (owned by the head of distribution company Full Moon Pictures). The beautiful countryside and gothic castle complemented the story (loosely based on the H.P. Lovecraft tale “The Outsider”) perfectly.

The film is not without its flaws, though. It takes about a good solid hour for anything to really happen, which might be a deal-breaker for some. The beginning felt a little too repetitive and slow for me, but the ending made up for the fact. Also, no matter how well it tries to hide the fact, Castle Freak is still a low-budget film and at times looks as such.

Still, for what it is, Castle Freak is a great film if enjoyed by the right people. It has complex characters, a fantastic location, great performances and solid special FX. The next time you have an itch for a serious B-movie, look no further than one of Full Moon’s best efforts, Castle Freak!

Available from Amazon!

Isolation (2005)

Not many people know this, but this gothic beauty was raised as a rootin’, tootin’ cowgirl on an isolated ranch up on the Northern California coast. I’ve herded, branded, vaccinated and assisted in the birthing of numerous calves and lambs. And yes, I unfortunately wore Wranglers and, at times, a cowboy hat. Don’t hate!

Even with my previous exposure to ranching and farm animals, I was still awestruck and grossed-out by some scenes in Isolation, a taut horror movie from Ireland. There were some scenes dealing with birthing cows, vet checks and cow fetuses that made me recoil in horror…

A hard-on-his-luck farmer has allowed a genetic scientist to experiment with fertility treatments on his cows in exchange for cold hard cash. The scientist hopes to genetically enhance the cows, making them more fertile at a younger age, therefore making farmers more profit. Unfortunately, things go incredibly awry and horribly disfigured calf fetuses, which are also developing at an accelerated cellular level, begin looking for new hosts. Can the farmer, along with his vet, the evil scientist and two wayward twentysomethings on the run, stop the genetic mutants before they spread their genetic abnormalities to a larger population?

Isolation is a film that slipped under my radar back when it was released in 2005. This is surprising since it is an amazingly tense and well-done movie that blew me away. Though the premise, which is pretty much killer cow fetuses on the loose, sounds weak and silly, the film comes off as anything but slapdash. The film has a very serious tone throughout and writer/director Billy O’Brien ensures it doesn’t veer into funny farm territory.

From the beginning of the film we are thrust into the action, as one of the farmer’s cow is about to give birth…but when the vet sticks her hand up into the cow to check on the calf, it bites her. When it’s finally born, there’s something just not right about the dewy-eyed calf. From there, things get awfully messy fast – some of the gore is hard to watch, especially if you are an animal lover. A special gun is featured, one that doesn’t contain bullets but instead shoots out a steel rod at a very high speed, usually into the brain.

Numerous cows and humans are dispatched with this weapon, leaving violent sprays of blood in their wake. Besides that piece of nasty, there are numerous guts spilled, whether through the vet’s autopsies of the cows or through the lil’ monsters’ search for news hosts. The mutant monsters are also quite a sight, all crunchy exoskeleton and sharp teeth.

Besides the impressive and cringe-worthy gore, Isolation boasts a very tense atmosphere, which it manages to maintain throughout its entire running time. The location of the isolated farm ensures that help isn’t coming anytime fast and ratchets up the tension until it’s almost unbearable. It also helps that the action feels very real, like it is something that could very well happen.

Though we are thrust immediately into the action, the film still takes time to develop its characters enough that we know who they are and what their relationships are to each other. Writer/director Billy O’Brien does a fantastic job at showing us who the characters are instead of just blatantly telling us. As for the actors, all involved did a stunning job. Performances by Essie Davies, John Lynch, Ruth Negga, and Sean Harris are the ones that really sell the film, not the special FX (though they are superb!).

My only complaint about the film was that I wish the full-grown mutant monster was shown a little more. We get glimpses here and there until the finale, but I just wished we could have seen MORE of it.

Isolation hasn’t been called “Alien with cows” for nothing! From its gutwrenching gore to suspenseful storyline to great performances across the board, Isolation is not to be missed.

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Class of Nuke 'Em High (1986)

Class of Nuke ‘Em High is an utterly outrageous, gross-out spoof of the typical 80’s high school comedy from your favorite independent studio, Troma!

The students at Tromaville High School are noticing some strange things happening ever since the nuclear power plant next door had a suspicious leak. For one, the once geeky honor society now terrorized the halls as vicious, leather-clad, motorcycle-riding Cretins (really, their name is The Cretins). Chrissy and Warren, the archtypical “golden couple” at school get thrown into the confusion when they smoke a joint that contains radiation from the marijuana grown inside the nuclear plant. Chrissy gets pregnant, miscarries a squirmy, black worm-looking thing, while Warren gets some ‘roid rage (complete with pulsating pustules) and falls on the Cretins bad side after beating them up. It all leads to a final showdown at the high school between the Cretins, Chrissy and Warren, and the slimy, hungry mutant that’s been growing in the basement.

Probably one of the better done and more well-known Troma flicks, Class of Nuke ‘Em High delivers surefire zany fun. This is actually one of the first Troma films I’ve ever seen, but I was pleasantly surprised by how much I actually enjoyed the movie. It is completely over-the-top, farcical and features gratuitous nudity and gross-out gags, but I still loved it. My favorite aspect was all the crazy characters, especially the Cretins. I was pretty much rooting for them the entire time, especially the hot leader of the pack!

The gore was surprisingly very well-done for an early Troma film. One scene features Warren punching his fist all the way down a Cretin’s throat! A nerd oozing green slime out of his mouth was also a pretty neat scene. The best effect, though, was probably the mutant spawn at the end of the film. The creature was pretty impressive and looked great! And of course, what’s a Troma film without nudity? Class of Nuke ‘Em High has its fair share of boobie shots.

The film also features some very black humor regarding the U.S. government and nuclear testing. Some might say it crosses the line of poor taste, but to me it was absolutely riotous!

The film’s only downfall is its meandering storyline that takes its sweet time getting anywhere. Many of the scenes, including plentiful shots of students just milling about the high school, were repetitive and unnecessary, almost like they were trying to pad the film for time. There isn’t even a stable lead character to latch onto and root for. The whole film is over-the-top, including the acting, which some people might be turned off by.

Still, despite its flaws, Class of Nuke ‘Em High is a very entertaining film for those that like silly, irrelevant horror-comedies. To me, it felt like a mix of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Rock ‘N’ Roll High School and, Troma’s earlier effort, The Toxic Avenger.

Whether you are a fan of Troma films or not, I recommend checking out Class of Nuke ‘Em High for some brainless, B-movie fun!

Available on Amazon!

Hellboy: Blood and Iron (2007)

I have a confession to make. I am not a rabid fangirl of the comic book realm. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being such a devoted fan of comics, I’m just saying I never got into that particular genre. Therefore, I really don’t know anything about comics or comic book characters. You can imagine I was a bit surprised and perplexed when I received a screener for the new Hellboy animated movie, Blood and Iron. I have heard of the comic, but I’ve never seen the live-action movie, never read the comic and never seen any previous animated movies featuring Hellboy. Despite not being familiar with the material, I found myself wholeheartedly enjoying Hellboy: Blood and Iron.


When Hellboy (Ron Perlman), Liz Sherman (Selma Blair) and Abe Sapien (Doug Jones) are assigned to investigate the ghost-infested mansion of a publicity-hound billionaire, they uncover a plot to resurrect the beautiful yet deadly vampire Erzsebet Ondrushko, who is connected to Professor Broom’s (John Hurt) past. Before becoming a vampire, Erzsebet enjoyed bathing in the blood of young girls to maintain her beauty and continued the tradition when she turned into a vampire and became the goddess Hecate’s right-hand woman. She’s killed over 1,000 people, mostly young women, and their ghosts have come forth to warn Hellboy and the others of the plot for her resurrection. Hellboy will have to face the hounds of hell, witches, harpies, a giant werewolf, Erzsebet and the Queen of Witches, Hecate, before this case can be closed.

Watching Hellboy: Blood and Iron, I was reminded of watching Saturday morning cartoons as a kid. The only thing that I was missing was a big bowl of Lucky Charms! The movie was fun, moved at a brisk pace, and kept me glued to the screen. Despite not having much previous knowledge of the Hellboy franchise, I found it extremely easy to follow along and become familiar with each of the characters. The writers wisely don’t go too far in-depth with the characters as to not bore the established fans, but introduce them just enough for any newbies (like me!) to easily follow.

The voice acting by all of the actors is superb; the skill in which they become their respective characters is astounding and really adds to the story. I loved the performance by Ron Perlman as Hellboy! He’s gruff, cheeky and just doesn’t give a crap about a lot of stuff. Perlman definitely gets into and really becomes his character! I was hoping to see more of Selma Blair’s character, Liz Sherman, but she doesn’t get too much memorable screen time.

The story of the resurrected vampire Erzsebet (which closely resembles the story of 17^th century real life serial killer Elizabeth Bathory) is a little tired, but it still manages to work rather well with the added subplots of Hecate and the other demons Hellboy and Co. must face. The inclusion of the Professor’s flashbacks to his first confrontation with Erzsebet and the priest’s own story also added depth to the story and made the film much more interesting.

The only thing that disappointed me was the fight scenes. In animation, so much more is possible than in live action and I was expecting some pretty brutal scenes. I was a little bit let down when the fights weren’t all that spectacular. The film opens right away on a battle between Hellboy and a few demons in the sewers, which is probably one of the better fights in the film. The rest of the battles are just so-so…

The extras on the disc are impressive, including Reversal of Fortune: Professor Bloom’s Story, Tales from the Tomb: A Look Inside Blood and Iron, Iron Shoes: The Animated Debut with Introduction by Mike Mignola, The Penanggalan: An E-Comic Exclusive with introduction by Mike Mignola and Audio Commentary featuring Mike Mignola, Tad Stones and Vic Cook. Also included with the DVD is an exclusive 32 page Hellboy comic.

Hellboy: Blood and Iron was a highly entertaining and fun animated movie! I highly recommend checking it out, whether you are already a fan to the series or are a newbie! After seeing Blood and Iron, I am tempted to pick up the Hellboy movie and the other Hellboy animated feature.

Available from Amazon!