Hack-O-Lantern (1988)

In my quest to watch every Halloween-themed horror flick I can get my hands on, I decided to give the obscure Hack-O-Lantern a whirl. This film combines one of my favorite subgenres of horror, satanic cults, with my favorite holiday, Halloween. What could go wrong, right?

The film opens with a young boy named Tommy as he is visited by his friendly grandfather on Halloween. Grandpa gives him his pick of pumpkins as well as an ominous looking pendant. Tommy’s family doesn’t like grandpa visiting his grandson and Tommy’s father goes after good ol’ grandpa to give him a piece of his mind. However, grandpa isn’t as nice as he seems…he’s actually the leader of a satanic cult and they dispatch Tommy’s dear old dad right quick.

The film then jumps ahead several years to the eve of Tommy’s 18^th birthday that happens to coincide with Halloween. Grandpa has grand plans for Tommy’s initiation into his satanic cult, but Tommy’s beleaguered mother pleads with him to reconsider. Also concerned for Tommy’s well-being are his younger sister and brother, who is a rookie cop.

With Halloween celebrations in full swing, a robed, Devil-masked killer starts murdering townsfolk. Can Tommy’s family stop him from joining his Grandpa in the Dark Arts or are they already too late?

At least the title got it right…HACK-O-Lantern is an apt title for this painfully silly “horror” movie. Good god, this movie felt like it dragged on and on though it clocked in at under an hour and a half. It had its entertaining parts (more on these later), but overall this is a serious piece of cinematic doody. The first glaring evidence of this was the ridiculous acting from Hy Pyke, who played Grandpa. Are all Satanist leaders this effeminate and non-threatening? And then we have the actor who played Tommy, Gregory Scott Thomas (whom you might recognize as Mac’s father on the hilarious TV show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Tommy is supposed to be nearing 18 in the film, but Scott Thomas is seriously mis-cast as he looks like a ‘roided out, 30-year-old jock rather than a young teenage follower of Satan.

Then, there are all the wacky and weird scenes throughout the movie. These are the “entertaining” bits I mentioned above. First is a seriously strange dream sequence/metal video that features an exotic voodoo-like dancer (check her out on the flick’s cover above) who, 1.) has multiple arms like a Hindu goddess, and, 2.) shoots horrible-looking lasers out of her eyes that zap the band members. This is a seriously WTF scene, but wait! It gets better…There’s the whole branding scene where nubile young Satan worshippers get their butts branded with a pentagram, another horrendous dime store metal band that screeches during a Halloween party that features random strippers and a five minute sequence of a “comedian” doing stupid impressions…of turkeys. Not to mention the amount of devil’s horns the characters throw around…except instead of the traditional holding up of just pointer and pinky fingers to hail the devil, the characters hold up pinky, pointer AND thumb…which actually means “I love you” in sign language and NOT “hail Satan”. Those silly satanists! Seriously, though, Grandpa, Tommy and other cult members throw the horns around non-stop…so much that you could in fact make a drinking game out of their appearances, taking a shot every time someone flashes the devil’s horns. However, you would probably be sloshed in 20 minutes…but perhaps that would be a better state of mind in which to watch the movie. Maybe if you’re drunk it would at least be kinda enjoyable.

Plus, there is the whole sleazy aspect of the film. We are talking random nudity (and not good nudity, it’s all low-budget ‘80s nudity here!) like the previous stripperella at the party mentioned above, plus a few non-sexy sex scenes. There is also the whole subtext of incest that pops up throughout the film. It is hinted that Tommy is actually the son of his mom and his grandpa. Yup, how ‘bout a big old EWWWWW from the audience, eh? I was half expecting that Tommy put the moves on his mom, but thankfully the film didn’t go down that road!

As for the kills? They were almost an afterthought and the only decent one worth mentioning is when a dude gets a shovel through his noggin. Yes, it is a low-budget film but the kills took a long time coming…too little too late in my opinion. It’s like the film couldn’t decide if it wanted to focus on the masked killer or the satanic cult and it ended up not giving enough attention to either. I also think too much time was spent on Tommy’s family, including his sister, brother and mother, instead of focusing on the supposed main character of the film, Tommy. The only time we saw him was when he was brooding in his room, listening to his crappy metal music and having weird dreams, or slamming the door in his poor mom’s face.

The ending had a nice little twist as to who the killer was, but by then I was really too bored to care. I watched Hack-O-Lantern for some fun Halloween thrills, but found it more of a chore to sit through. A film with a cool name like Hack-O-Lantern deserves to be somewhat entertaining, but this was more like Crap-O-Lantern.

If you are a brave soul, the VHS is available on Amazon!

Interview with Rusty Eye Drummer Miss Randall

Miss Randall (born Julieta Randall on November 25, 1983 in Mexico City, Mexico) is an American drummer, vocalist and audio engineer.

A percussive and rhythmic person – always interested in Prog Rock and Metal at an early age – she bought her first drum kit at the age of 18, determined to teach herself how to play drums. Hard work demonstrated an innate talent and after 6 months of picking up the drum sticks, she joined the Mexican/American band Rusty Eye.

Playing live and recording Rusty Eye demos triggered in her an interest in Music Production, attending Music College in 2003. During this same year, she learned how to incorporate singing while drumming.

In 2004 she opted to continue Recording Engineering studies in Hollywood, CA as well as relocating the band to this city.

Self-produced releases include: Cryogenic EP, Stendhal Syndrome, Live at the Joint MMVI, and most recently, Possessor which features music collaborations with: acclaimed Italian film composer Claudio Simonetti (Goblin), guitarist/producer Waldemar Sorychta (Grip Inc.) and Alex Mitchell (Circus of Power).
Miss Randall was among the World’s Fastest Drummer finalists in 2007 (feet category) scoring 720 hits in 60 seconds.

Fatally Yours: How long have you been drumming and singing? Do you play any other instruments? 

Miss Randall: I’ve always been into singing. I played in a few professional plays as a kid, mostly musicals, and that got me acquainted with the thrill of being onstage. Years later after quitting theater, the motivation for performing came back but I thought that I needed an instrument to tag along with me. So I bought my first drum kit 7 years ago, joined Rusty Eye 6 months later (I was not fooling around!). I play a bit of piano just to put my ideas down and to make the guides of songs that we record.

Fatally Yours: When did you become interested in pursuing music as a career? 

Miss Randall: I always wanted to do music, but in the beginning it was a hobby. I started to take it seriously when I graduated high school and firmly decided that I had to move to L.A. in order to study Audio Engineering and rock that city with my band too. Before I moved out of Mexico City, I attended a music school for about a year, and that was of great help.

Fatally Yours: What has it been like as a female in the male-dominated metal genre? 

Miss Randall: I get that question a lot! As of now, I’ve learned to just do my thing, carrying myself as a professional musician and not thinking about me being in a male-dominated environment (it can get to your head and besides, I’m not a feminist).

I honestly work better with guys, maybe because they appear to me to be a bit more dedicated and serious. I’m not saying that there are not dedicated women out there, but I just know what works for me.

Fatally Yours: Have you had any experiences where people took you less seriously as a musician because of your gender?

Miss Randall: Happens all the time in recording sessions, loading up gear, doing sound check at clubs, going to shows, and introducing myself to people… I always have to prove myself more than a guy would have to. That is the reality of it. I bugs, yes, but I won’t let that put me down or sad.

Fatally Yours: Why do you think it’s hard for some people to accept that women can love metal music and horror movies?

Miss Randall: Well, I think that deep in their minds they that we go to the extreme of showing our interest for Horror and Metal as an escape to our problems or just to get attention. At least that’s what people tell me who are not aware of what goes on in the Horror/Metal world. I think that the nature of both genres demands a bit more intellect, openness, and understanding. Not everything is to be taken literally either, could be an outside tale told from another hypothetical person. Or sometimes it could be something personal: an internal feeling sublimed in a song. Either way, both sides are positive. Creating is a positive thing and not everything is supposed to be pretty, but then again: who said that the ugly cannot be considered beautiful too?

Fatally Yours: Have you noticed more women getting into metal, whether they are musicians or fans? 

Miss Randall: Yeah that’s really cool, I’m glad this is happening.

Fatally Yours: Do you think perceptions of women in mainly male-dominated industries are changing? If so, how and why are women’s roles changing?

Miss Randall: I guess that in the end, when we stop questioning the role men and women have in society, we can finally reach the equal rights we are looking for.

Fatally Yours: What has been your best concert and/or tour experience? Your worst?

Miss Randall: A great show experience was when we played with Katatonia and Moonspell; we caught the attention of a film director in the audience who later filmed “Mr. Cannibal” for us, sponsored/directed by him and it came out pretty professional. As for bad experiences, I think all shows have had a positive outcome, which immediately neutralizes any difficulties inside my head.

Fatally Yours: Who are your favorite female metal vocalists and musicians? 

Miss Randall: Anneke from The Gathering (the early stuff), Liv Kristine when in Theater of Tragedy, Doro, Lita Ford, and I guess that’s pretty much it.

Fatally Yours: What are your top five albums?

Miss Randall: Morningrise by Opeth, Dark Side of the Moon by Floyd, Red by King Crimson, Melissa by Mercyful Fate, Seventeen Seconds by The Cure.

Fatally Yours: What musicians have inspired/influenced you the most?

Miss Randall: Stewart Copeland [The Police], Neil Peart [Rush], Lars Ulrich [Metallica], Mikael Åkerfeldt [Opeth], Beth Gibbons [Portishead], Mikkey Dee [Motörhead], Danny Carey [Tool], Jim Morrison [The Doors], David Gilmour [Pink Floyd], Robert Fripp [King Crimson] and Claudio Simonetti [Goblin].

Fatally Yours: A lot of your songs are named after and about horror films. What inspired your band to do this? 

Miss Randall: The cinematic properties our music is undeniable, thank you for noticing that! It must be the amount of movies we’ve seen, their scores, and also listening to King Diamond and Mercyful Fate quite a lot!

Fatally Yours: When and how did you fall in love with the horror genre?

Miss Randall: Definitely the first time I saw Nightmare on Elm Street and Poltergeist. I’ve always enjoyed the thrill of getting scared.

Fatally Yours: What are your favorite horror films?

Miss Randall: Inferno, Suspiria, Tenebrae, Deep Red, The Exorcist, The Entity, Zombi 2, The Beyond, From Beyond, Poltergeist. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, To the Devil a Daughter, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Hellraiser, Deathdream, Reanimator, Anthropophagus… and so many more. 
 
Fatally Yours: What goals do you hope to accomplish in your life?

Miss Randall: Just keep immersing in different fields of artistic expression, perhaps film at a later point. I’d love to score a film one day too and to start producing/engineering other bands that have something interesting to say.

For more info on Miss Randall and Rusty Eye, visit:

http://wordpress.rustyeye.com/
http://www.youtube.com/mrrust
http://www.myspace.com/rustyeye
http://www.myspace.com/missrandall

Rock N Roll Nightmare (1987)

In the cheesy headbangin’ horror movie Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (aka The Edge of Hell) we get to see Jon Mikl Thor in all his Aqua Net glory as lead singer Triton in an 80s hair band (see their #1 hit “We Live to Rock!”) They’ve rented a creepy Canadian (apparently Canada is “where it’s happening, man”!) farmhouse to get away from it all and focus on their music. Their record label even converted the old barn out back into a recording studio! Except, instead of headbanging the band members just want to bang their girlfriends/wives/groupies/each other. Well, we all know that when people go their separate ways in horror flicks it’s an invitation to trouble…sure enough, out pop some demons to take over the band members’ bodies…Why? Cuz that’s how they roll, that’s why. Soon, the only one left standing is Triton himself, who must face the big baddie of all demons…Satan himself. Triton’s got a hidden secret, though…plus, he distracts Satan by rockin’ nothing more than a studded speedo!

Fiends, I will admit to you (if you haven’t figured it out from the synopsis alone) that this is one pretty awful movie, but you just aren’t living until you’ve seen the pure ridiculousness of the epic final battle between Triton and puppets! The barely-there plot, meandering scenes and semi-annoying characters are all forgotten when Triton throws down in front of Satan. Of course, it looks like he is just fighting himself because he has to react to puppets, but that’s all part of this film’s charm!

There is just too much cheesiness to discuss in so short a time. While it’s nowhere near as zany as Hard Rock Zombies, it still has plenty of so-bad-they’re-good moments. Where do I even start? Well, first there’s the 10 minute long intro that consists of watching the band’s van drive up and down country roads. And if to reemphasize that they are hard rockin’ bad boys, they’ve got handcuffs attached to the rear view mirror…that way you know they’re hardcore! Next, I could go on and on about Triton’s ridiculous wardrobe – from a sparkly, metallic tuxedo coat to a polka dot blouse that’s about 10 sizes too small…but fashion doesn’t really make the movie, but it does give you something extra to laugh at!

As for what happens the whole hour or so before the epic final battle? People wander off and have boring sex, the band plays a few songs, more annoying songs are played throughout the film on the radios throughout the farmhouse, a gaggle of groupies shows up for five seconds (not sure what happened to them, but pretty sure they got eaten…hopefully) and, oh yeah, there are a few demon attacks here and there. There is definitely not much of a plot here, and most of the film just seems to aimlessly meander from one scene to the next.

As for the demons, though there are a few cool skeletal ones, the rest are mostly little puppets that look like one-eyed monsters (ya, THAT kind of one-eyed monster…this movie really takes the phrase “rock out with your cock out” a little TOO literally!). They don’t really look all that menacing, but more like adult Sesame Street rejects. As for Satan’s creature effects – he basically looks like he’s pieced together from discarded remnants of the ants in THEM! It also appears that he likes to fight dirty by hurling one-eyed puppet starfish at our hero (whose reaction to them is priceless!). The ensuing “epic” battle makes the performances in pro-wrestling look Oscar-worthy!

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare is a fun movie if you don’t expect too much. It doesn’t deliver much except a few good laughs, but sometimes that’s all you need for a good time! It is so ridiculous that it begs to be seen at least once by every horror fan.

RAWK!

Available from Amazon!

Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

Where can you find horrible 80’s ballads, a rock star that is a pedophile, Nazis, deformed midgets, zombies, a grandma that transforms into a werewolf, bad 80’s metal hair, music video montages, Adolf Hitler and limber but evil groupies? Hard Rock Zombies, that’s where, one of the worst films ever made!

In the opening scene, a dirty-looking blond hitchhiker (Lisa Toothman), who looks like she’s wearing nothing but a scrap of shower curtain, gets picked up by two skeevy lamebrains. Two seconds later they’ve pulled off for a bit of skinny dipping in a scum-encrusted pond where Dirty Blond drowns both dudes. Who knew drowning produced so much blood? A weird guy who was taking pictures the whole time and his pet midgets (one with a patch over one eye and the other looking more like a creature from Ghoulies) join Dirty Blond in disposing of the bodies…but not before Dirty Blond cuts one of the victim’s hands off and croons, “I wanna hold your hand!”

After this preposterous opening scene we join “the band” onstage as they perform for their 12 groupies. After the long and drawn-out song, they head backstage, strip to their skivvies and pose for pics with more groupies! Lead singer and perv Jessie (E.J. Curcio) becomes enamored of the very young-looking Cassie (Jennifer Coe), who not only looks like she’s 12, but also looks like she’s got caterpillars glued over her already bushy Groucho Marx-like eyebrows. Cassie tries to warn Jessie that his band shouldn’t play their next gig in her podunk town, but Jessie is too smitten to pay attention.

On the way to Cassie’s town Jessie practices his newest song, which he’s borrowed from a medieval incantation that was used to raise the dead. Great idea, bonehead!

The band picks up Dirty Blond, who is out hitchhiking again (what a strange pastime…) and she tells them to stay at her family’s spacious Southern-style mansion. Once they arrive they meet with the creepy midgets and the rest of Dirty Blond’s strange family, including her grandparents who let the creepy midgets watch while they have geriatric sex, a hulking, bald man who is either her brother or the gardener (he’s quite handy with the weed whacker) and the paparazzo-in-training from the pond.

After they’ve stashed all their equipment, the band heads into town and we are forced to suffer another horrible musical number – and, hey, this one’s a montage complete with band members skateboarding, scaring kids by spraying them with shaken cans of beer, dancing like idiots, posing in a gigantic wood cut-out of themselves and hamming it up while disapproving townsfolk look on. The band gets thrown in jail for being so lame, but Dirty Blond bails them out.

After almost getting electrocuted while playing another horrible song in front of their hosts, the band eats it for real at the hands of Dirty Blond’s psycho family. Dirty Blond herself takes out a guy in the shower, while grandma turns into a werewolf(!) and mauls two other band members and Jessie is taken out by baldy with the weed whacker, but not before he gives Cassie his tape for his new dead-raising single!

After the funeral, it is revealed that the members of Dirty Blond’s family are all Nazis in hiding and that her grandpa is actually the Grand Fuhrer himself, Adolf Hitler! Hitler has a hidden bunker well-stocked with poisonous gas and plans to take out the entire U.S.!

Meanwhile, Cassie is visiting the band’s grave. She plays the tape Jessie left her and – sho ‘nuff – the band comes back to life as zombies – stiff, Robot-dancin’ zombies that look like a bad KISS cover band that is.

They kill Dirty Blond and her Nazi family (who return as zombies), then drive (yup, zombies can drive) across town so they can play a showcase and impress a record executive. While we are forced to listen to another god-awful song (the third time we hear it in the film), zombies are slowly overtaking the town. The remaining townsfolk think they can repel zombies by holding out huge posters of famous people…buuuut that idea doesn’t work too well and more people become the zombies’ lunch.

One old guy suggests offering the ghouls the town’s virgin, who just happens to be Cassie. Something about the zombies not attacking the town for another 100 years if they can screw and eat a virgin. Anywho, the townspeople haul Cassie up the mountain like a sacrificial lamb and offer her to the zombies.

It’s up to Jessie and the rest of the zombified band to save his jailbait lady love and to put a stop to the zombie nonsense once and for all…but not until we suffer through yet another musical number.

Whew! Apologies for such a long synopsis, but really I wanted you to get a complete gist of the insanity of this movie! And believe me, you haven’t heard anything yet! I have yet to mention the self-cannibalizing midget or the freaky dance montages that feature Dirty Blond. In case you haven’t noticed, this movie is all over the place and you’ll be asking yourself WTF did I just watch when you are through (if you can bear and get all the way to the end, that is).

First off, the puke-inducing music is not what anyone would call “hard rock.” It just sounds like the most generic, Monster Ballad-esque sap you’ve ever heard. And they just keep playing the same damn songs over and over. Plus, they’ve got the whole pedophile angle covered even in the lyrics, which actually say “I’m so in love, but you’re so young.” Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Totally groddy! Someone call Chris Hansen with To Catch a Predator!

Considering this was at one point just supposed to be a 20 minute short movie I understand all the padding used, but did they really have to keep showing such cheesy montages? First with the band “running wild” (errrr, if “wild” means consorting with a bunch of pudgy schoolkids, riding skateboards and doing a Beatle-esque type dance down the middle of a street) through the redneck town and later on with Jessie and Cassie running at each other in slow-mo both dressed in white! And who can forget Dirty Blond doing some kind of weird 80’s dancing, first randomly in the desert then as a slinky zombie minx (who knew zombies were so flexible?). You could fill 20 bottles of Cheez-Whiz with the cheesiness coming out of just these montage scenes alone!

Then there was the whole “what were they smoking?” plot addition of Nazis and werewolves! Seriously, did they think that a strictly zombie movie would be that boring and they needed a little extra Third Reich pizazz? I really don’t know what writer/director Krishna Shah and co-writer David Allen Ball (and no, they haven’t done all that much since this, ahem, “film”) were thinking when they unleashed this horribly bad movie on an unsuspecting audience, but if they were doing drugs while dreaming this film up then it would make for a perfect “this is your brain on drugs” PSA. Just say no, kids!

You’d think with such vivid imaginations some great gore would come out of all this, but sadly the only “gore” we get is blood that looks like it was squirted right out of a Heinz ketchup bottle. The kill scenes are pretty hysterical, though, especially when geysers of blood erupt during a drowning scene and that the zombiefied band kills Hitler by what looks like a ring-around-the-rosies game gone wrong.

The craziness of the Hard Rock Zombies makes some parts entertaining, but for the most part it’s a real snoozefest. The film looses what little momentum it had at about the one hour mark and all those musical numbers certainly make it seem much longer than it actually is. I might have even fallen asleep had the music not been so gratingly bad. Yet, this film is so bad that like Troll 2 it certainly deserves to be seen at least once…but once will definitely be enough. After that you’ll want to bury Hard Rock Zombies for good.

Available from Amazon!

Trick or Treat (1986)

To get in the Halloween spirit, I decided to watch the festively named Trick or Treat, the one that features Ozzy Osbourne and Gene Simmons in cameo roles. Trick or Treat isn’t a great movie by any means, but it has a certain spellbinding charm that keeps it entertaining, and not just for metalheads.

Eddie (Marc Price, or “Skippy” from Family Ties as most people remember him) is a metalhead outcast at his high school. The jocks always pick on him and pull cruel pranks on him, like pushing him naked out into the school gym when the girl’s volleyball team is practicing. His outlet for all his anger and pent-up frustration is metal music, and his idol is rock star Sammi Curr (Tony Fields). When Sammi dies in a hotel fire, Eddie is devastated. A radio DJ (Gene Simmons) gives Eddie the studio master of Sammi’s unreleased record to cheer him up. After playing the record backwards, Eddie unwittingly unleashes the spirit of Sammi. At first, Eddie finds Sammi to be useful at getting revenge on the jocks, but soon realizes Sammi is evil. Sammi becomes more and more powerful until he materializes in the flesh on Halloween night to raise hell…

Trick or Treat was quite a surprise and I really found myself enjoying it. Though there aren’t any scares, its entertainment value alone makes it worth watching. The story is pretty original and I love how the filmmakers took a look at metal music and the big controversy that surrounded it in the ‘80s.

My one big gripe with the film was the poor pacing at the beginning. The first 30 – 45 minutes just crawl by and consist of scenes of Eddie being tormented at school, then getting home and blaring his metal music, then going back to school and being hassled again and returning home to listen to more metal in his gloomy room, rinse, repeat…you get the idea. I think just one scene of this would have elicited enough sympathy for Eddie at which point we could have gotten to the real action of the film.

The real action doesn’t start until somewhere around the one-hour mark, when Sammi is finally unleashed and starts strutting around, zapping people. My favorite part is when Sammi crashes the high school’s Halloween dance and puts on a killer performance – literally! He shoots electrical charges out of his guitar that basically pulverize his victims. He can also move through electrical currents and can get you pretty much anywhere there’s electricity.

The logistics, as well as the how’s and why’s of Sammi’s satanic, electrifying ways are never quite explained, but that niggling little problem is easily quieted by the overall fun you’ll have watching this flick. Besides a few unexplained, illogical plot points and a slow start, the film’s story (by Rhet Topham, with the screenplay written by Joel Soisson, Michael S. Murphey and Rhet Topham) is actually quite inventive. I mean, where else could you find an outcast metalhead conjuring up his dead rock star idol with a satanic ritual, causing irreparable harm to the neighborhood on Halloween? Not to mention all the killer ‘80s hair metal fashion – leather, chains, piercings, tattoos, and who can for get the big, frizzy, poofy hair!

The music, performed mainly by Fastway, is actually pretty good. It’ll put you in that metal state of mind! And, of course, the cameos by Ozzy Osbourne (as a conservative, religious/political pundit speaking out against metal music on TV) and Gene Simmons (as a radio DJ) are pretty enjoyable as well!

Surprisingly, the acting (even by Osbourne and Simmons) is well done. Marc Price plays a convincing teenager that’s fed up with the status quo and the mainstream. He is very relatable and I know many people (myself included) can relate to him and what he is going through in high school. I also loved Tony Fields’ portrayal of Sammi Curr…he completely nails it and had me checking on IMDB to see if he really was a rock star! He is just that good!

For a nostalgic kick, Trick or Treat is a fun movie that’ll take you back to hair metal’s heyday. Don’t expect any scares, but you’ll definitively be entertained by Trick or Treat’s music and unique story.

Metalhead or not, Trick or Treat is a definite horror movie treat!

Available from Amazon!