Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl is another wacky, over-the-top and ultra-gory film from filmmakers Yoshihiro Nishimura (Tokyo Gore Police, Meatball Machine) and Naoyuki Tomomatsu (Zombie Self-Defense Force, Stacy). If you are a fan of zany, weird and off-kilter horror films drenched in cartoonish gore, Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl might be right up your alley!

Monami (Yukie Kawamura) is just your basic love-struck high-schooler mooning over the dreamy Mizushima (Takumi Saitô). She professes her love with a chocolate candy she presents him on Valentine’s Day, but when Mizushima bites into it he discovers it is filled with blood…Monami’s blood. Turns out she is really a vampire and wants to turn him so they can spend the rest of their long lives together. However, Mizushima’s current girlfriend Keiko (Eri Otoguro) doesn’t take the news too kindly…but after she confronts Monami she meets a bloody end (but perhaps not in the way you would expect). However, she is soon resurrected by her mad scientist father, who patches her together with body parts from her schoolmates and resurrects her as Frankenstein Girl. Frankenstein Girl then faces off against Vampire Girl in the final battle for Mizushima’s heart.

Ok, how can you go wrong with gore so over-the-top it’s comical, butt-kicking chicks, weird Japanese fashion, melodramatic high school angst, a Dr. Frankenstein mad scientist, vampires, geisha Frankenstein monsters, and some of the most seriously disturbing high school clubs this side of Sweet Valley High? You can’t, that’s how! Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl is a seriously strange film, but that’s why I liked it so much!

The majority of the film deals with the love triangle between Monami, Mizushima and Keiko in the setting of their high school. During this part of the film we meet the main characters’ classmates, including a group of Japanese girls pretending to be black (complete with extreme caricatures/stereotypes like big lips, Afros, gold chains, etc.) who run a black power club and another group of girls who belong to the wrist-cutting club. Both of these clubs and their members were so over-the-top that you just can’t help but laugh! It also pokes fun at stereotypical Japanese schoolgirl and gothic Lolita fashions.  Then there is Keiko’s dad, who at first appears to be a mild-mannered science teacher and assistant principal…however, it is revealed later that he is a cackling mad scientist who is killing off students to try to bring them back to life, Frankenstein-style. He even has a wacky costume complete with traditional Japanese robes, long white wig and Kabuki makeup. Again, another outrageous character you can’t help but laugh at.

The film carries this comical tone throughout, even during the gory fight scenes. The opening scene alone, where Monami battles three Frankenstein monster-like girls, sets the tone for the rest of the film because it is just so gosh darn goofy! Monami strips the skin off the girls’ faces and in the midst of it raining blood she neatly stacks the clacking skulls one on top of the other. The rest of the gore is equally graphic, but still humorous. And you can’t beat the final battle that occurs on top of a fake Eiffel Tower!

My one gripe is that the film focuses too much on the teenage angst and drama (even if it is in a satirical, humorous way) and we don’t get to see the Vampire Girl and Frankenstein Girl battle until the very end. Keiko doesn’t even turn into Frankenstein Girl until nearly the end, which is kind of a let down since this means Frankenstein Girl doesn’t get much screen time. And for being a vampire, Monami doesn’t spill that much blood with her fangs (no attacks on fellow classmates, for example), not to mention that she can walk in the sun (though too much exposure makes her woozy).

Despite these quibbles, I had a very fun time with Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl. While it is not as shocking as other extreme Asian films, its silliness definitely won me over. And despite its ridiculous nature, the film spills quite a bit of grue. If you are a fan of bizarre and outlandish cinema, I highly encourage you to check out Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl!

Available from Amazon

Zombeak (2010)

Zombie chickens are one thing, but how about zombie-chickens possessed by Satan?! That’s the general gist of Zombeak, a cheap but fun low-budget film. It is about a group of Satanists who kidnap a trash-talking waitress. They have plans to conjure Satan and have their master impregnate the waitress with the Antichrist. However, the waitress’ hick boyfriend, a gun-happy cop and her boss bust into the Satanist’s decrepit house before the ritual can be completed…but not before Satan has been summoned. Satan soon takes over the body of a sacrificed chicken and all hell soon breaks loose.

Zombeak is a fun, low-budget film. I liked how it wasn’t just a straight-up zombie poultry flick (we’ve already got the great Poultrygeist and Thankskilling for that!), but actually adds more dimension to the story by incorporating the Satanic subplot. And how can I pass up a film whose tagline is “Murder Most Foul”?!

I guess my biggest gripe with this film was the slim plot, which led to a lot of repetition. The flick is only 70 minutes long, but unfortunately takes 20 or 30 minutes to get going and get to the good stuff involving the Satan-possessed zombie chicken. When it finally gets to that point, I finally got engaged in the movie but the limited scope of the plot made me lose interest again.

However, I did like the schlocky feel of the film and enjoyed the characters, especially the trash-talking waitress as well as the Satanic priestess. Props to both actresses for their wonderfully spot-on performances! Films like this usually don’t have much character development, and Zombeak was no exception, however these two characters were the only ones I was really rooting for!

While the special effects are obviously low-budget, I thought their look actually fit well into the overall tone of the film. The zombie-chicken itself is pretty hilarious, but it works well with the goofy feel of the movie. Victims get pecked to death before becoming possessed themselves, and their makeup looked pretty cool.

The film is so over-the-top and shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Despite its issues with pacing and plot, I still felt that Zombeak was a commendable effort from those involved in this indie production. It’s a fun, nitty-gritty film that would be fun to watch with a group of friends and several frothy beers.

Check out Zombeak’s official site!

Bitch Slap (2009)

Bitch Slap is a straight-forward exploitation flick that emulates the grindhouse flicks of the ‘60s and ‘70s. It pretty much has all the exploitative elements you could ask for…oodles of violence, nudity and sex. But let me get more specific…it’s got girl fights, water fights, tons of boob shots, gratuitous slo-mo, strippers, Kevin Sorbo (in a small role), cat fights, girl-on-girl action, nuns, an Asian schoolgirl with a killer yo-yo, a punk thug with Tourette’s, Mohawks, stolen diamonds, explosions, spies and even Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior. Really, what more could you ask for?!

The premise is simple: three women end up in the middle of the desert to steal a bunch of valuable diamonds from an underworld kingpin. As they struggle to find the exact location of the jewels, they get a few surprise visitors and secrets start being revealed as we get a glimpse into their past to see exactly how they ended up in their current predicament.

Full of non-stop action, Bitch Slap is an enjoyable rollercoaster ride of brutal violence interspersed with sexy slo-mo shots of our three girls, strippers and the like. It is also wickedly funny in parts and really wears its inspirations on its colorful sleeve. It is certainly over the top and outrageous, but if you like that sort of thing you’ll love Bitch Slap!

The acting is equally over the top, but it works in the scope of the film! All of the actresses do a fantastic job and I found myself liking them all. Julia Voth played the seemingly innocent Trixie, Erin Cummings played the leader Hel and America Olivo played the tough Camero. The supporting characters were also equally good.

However, an exploitation film isn’t exactly focused on acting, so let’s talk about the action, shall we? Both kinds of action, the sensual and the explody kind, came fast and furious. If people weren’t getting their asses handed to them or getting blown to bits, then they were gettin’ down. Though some of the special effects were done with obvious green screen work (the whole Vegas scene, among countless others), most of the blood and guts work was excellent! And even when it looks fake it just adds to the over-the-top charm of Bitch Slap! I also liked the use of split screen to show both side of the action at all times. And it looked damn cool, too!

I also appreciated the nice little twist at the end…very well done since I didn’t see it coming!! The narrative structure, as it kept jumping further and further back into the past as the film progressed, kinda annoyed me at first but made sense after a while. Kudos to writers Eric Gruendemann and Rick Jacobson (who also directed) for creating such a fun story and for tying everything up at the end.

If you enjoyed films like Grindhouse and Machete, you will no doubt love Bitch Slap! Check it out today!

Available on Amazon!

Hack-O-Lantern (1988)

In my quest to watch every Halloween-themed horror flick I can get my hands on, I decided to give the obscure Hack-O-Lantern a whirl. This film combines one of my favorite subgenres of horror, satanic cults, with my favorite holiday, Halloween. What could go wrong, right?

The film opens with a young boy named Tommy as he is visited by his friendly grandfather on Halloween. Grandpa gives him his pick of pumpkins as well as an ominous looking pendant. Tommy’s family doesn’t like grandpa visiting his grandson and Tommy’s father goes after good ol’ grandpa to give him a piece of his mind. However, grandpa isn’t as nice as he seems…he’s actually the leader of a satanic cult and they dispatch Tommy’s dear old dad right quick.

The film then jumps ahead several years to the eve of Tommy’s 18^th birthday that happens to coincide with Halloween. Grandpa has grand plans for Tommy’s initiation into his satanic cult, but Tommy’s beleaguered mother pleads with him to reconsider. Also concerned for Tommy’s well-being are his younger sister and brother, who is a rookie cop.

With Halloween celebrations in full swing, a robed, Devil-masked killer starts murdering townsfolk. Can Tommy’s family stop him from joining his Grandpa in the Dark Arts or are they already too late?

At least the title got it right…HACK-O-Lantern is an apt title for this painfully silly “horror” movie. Good god, this movie felt like it dragged on and on though it clocked in at under an hour and a half. It had its entertaining parts (more on these later), but overall this is a serious piece of cinematic doody. The first glaring evidence of this was the ridiculous acting from Hy Pyke, who played Grandpa. Are all Satanist leaders this effeminate and non-threatening? And then we have the actor who played Tommy, Gregory Scott Thomas (whom you might recognize as Mac’s father on the hilarious TV show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Tommy is supposed to be nearing 18 in the film, but Scott Thomas is seriously mis-cast as he looks like a ‘roided out, 30-year-old jock rather than a young teenage follower of Satan.

Then, there are all the wacky and weird scenes throughout the movie. These are the “entertaining” bits I mentioned above. First is a seriously strange dream sequence/metal video that features an exotic voodoo-like dancer (check her out on the flick’s cover above) who, 1.) has multiple arms like a Hindu goddess, and, 2.) shoots horrible-looking lasers out of her eyes that zap the band members. This is a seriously WTF scene, but wait! It gets better…There’s the whole branding scene where nubile young Satan worshippers get their butts branded with a pentagram, another horrendous dime store metal band that screeches during a Halloween party that features random strippers and a five minute sequence of a “comedian” doing stupid impressions…of turkeys. Not to mention the amount of devil’s horns the characters throw around…except instead of the traditional holding up of just pointer and pinky fingers to hail the devil, the characters hold up pinky, pointer AND thumb…which actually means “I love you” in sign language and NOT “hail Satan”. Those silly satanists! Seriously, though, Grandpa, Tommy and other cult members throw the horns around non-stop…so much that you could in fact make a drinking game out of their appearances, taking a shot every time someone flashes the devil’s horns. However, you would probably be sloshed in 20 minutes…but perhaps that would be a better state of mind in which to watch the movie. Maybe if you’re drunk it would at least be kinda enjoyable.

Plus, there is the whole sleazy aspect of the film. We are talking random nudity (and not good nudity, it’s all low-budget ‘80s nudity here!) like the previous stripperella at the party mentioned above, plus a few non-sexy sex scenes. There is also the whole subtext of incest that pops up throughout the film. It is hinted that Tommy is actually the son of his mom and his grandpa. Yup, how ‘bout a big old EWWWWW from the audience, eh? I was half expecting that Tommy put the moves on his mom, but thankfully the film didn’t go down that road!

As for the kills? They were almost an afterthought and the only decent one worth mentioning is when a dude gets a shovel through his noggin. Yes, it is a low-budget film but the kills took a long time coming…too little too late in my opinion. It’s like the film couldn’t decide if it wanted to focus on the masked killer or the satanic cult and it ended up not giving enough attention to either. I also think too much time was spent on Tommy’s family, including his sister, brother and mother, instead of focusing on the supposed main character of the film, Tommy. The only time we saw him was when he was brooding in his room, listening to his crappy metal music and having weird dreams, or slamming the door in his poor mom’s face.

The ending had a nice little twist as to who the killer was, but by then I was really too bored to care. I watched Hack-O-Lantern for some fun Halloween thrills, but found it more of a chore to sit through. A film with a cool name like Hack-O-Lantern deserves to be somewhat entertaining, but this was more like Crap-O-Lantern.

If you are a brave soul, the VHS is available on Amazon!

Offerings (1989)

Good god…what the hell did I just watch? This bottom of the barrel offering (sorry, couldn’t resist) is an atrocious mix of awful characters, bad acting, threadbare story and weak kills. However, it is also (unintentionally?) hilarious, with characters who are trying to play Valley Girls over their twangy Oklahoman accents, a pizza party that turns cannibalistic and a hefty cop who likes to bust kids with boxes of porno mags in abandoned houses.

While all these shenanigans sound like a grand old time, they are assuredly not!

The plot is an oversimplified mix of Halloween and Slumber Party Massacre. It begins with a young mute boy who is not only abused at home (how ‘bout some cigarette ashes in your eggs, honey?) but also by the neighborhood kids. His only friend is a little blonde girl who stands up for him. However, one day the other kids “accidentally” cause the outcast to fall down a well…and after that he spends the next 10 years in a mental asylum because apparently he also killed his mother. When 10 years are up, our young scrappy psycho breaks out by killing a few nurses and returns to his boyhood home. To reminisce about happy childhood memories, you ask? Why no, silly, he’s returned to hunt down all the bullies that taunted him and regale his little blonde girlfriend with “offerings” of their slaughtered body parts like ears, a nose, etc. It’s up to Little Miss Blonde, her BFF and the corpulent sheriff to find out how to stop the psycho before he kills again. At least so that the icky “offerings” will stop. They are like, totally groddy!

Yeesh, this is one sorry excuse for a slasher flick! Of course the filmmakers themselves have admitted to making this just as an excuse to party, but why did they have to subject everyone else to this awful film?

Ok, ok, so it does have its moments of hilarity, unintentional or intentional. Take for example, the funny tasting “sausage” pizza the kids have at Little Miss Blonde’s house. It turns out the mystery meat is the other white meat…human! Yum! How sweet of the psycho to send the kids some snacks before their untimely demises! Then there are the obnoxious Valley Girl accents used by most of the characters…yes way! Or how ‘bout the little kid busted for reading (a box of) naughty magazines and telling the dense cop his name is “Ben Dover” before running away and flipping the policeman the bird? Pretty amusing stuff…

…However, the rest of the movie (like the remaining 98%) just plain sucked! The storyline drags, the pacing is horrible and it is just…weird! Like the scene where one of the kid’s parents are eating cake at 3 AM…it’s just feels so off and out of place! The kills are pretty absurd too, including a cheesy vice kill scene. All of the kills (and most of the movie) leave a lot to be desired.

Offerings is a pretty crappy movie that rips off Halloween, Slumber Party Massacre and numerous other slashers, and while I can’t really recommend it, it does have its entertaining moments. Be warned – these moments are far and in-between, so watch at your own risk!

Available on Amazon!

Blades (1989)

How did this little Troma movie pass under my radar for so many years? I mean, killer lawnmowers tend to attract attention but I don’t recall ever hearing about Blades, which, while it sounds like an ice skating movie is actually about a killer machine mowing down golfers at the Tall Grass Country Club.

When I stumbled upon this movie in my Netflix “watch instantly” queue, I just couldn’t pass it up! How could I resist a movie whose tagline is: “Golf – A Game of Hooks, Slices and … Slaughter”? Well, I couldn’t resist and settled in to watch this wacky and entertaining B-movie.

A series of gruesome murders is taking place at the prestigious Tall Grass Country Club. Golfers are being dismembered left and right, but with a live televised golf tournament coming up the owner refuses to shut the place down. Resident golf pros Roy (Robert North) and Kelly (Victoria Scott) set out to stop the murders, but are shocked to find that the culprit is an evil lawnmower out for blood. Can the pair of golf pros stop the killer machine before it mows down anymore unsuspecting golfers?

Blades is certainly not the perfect B-movie; for a Troma film it feels pretty restrained and lacks the outrageousness of most of their films. It also tends to drag in some places and the finale feels a bit stretched out. For a satire/parody it doesn’t quite go far enough and the laughs are far and in between (though I really liked the special ops caddies). However, I found myself enjoying the zany film, with its crazy ‘80s country club attire (think Lacoste polos, pastel- or neon-colored visors and high-waisted jeans…oh wait, I guess golf fashion really hasn’t changed!), random humor and its flesh-hungry killer machine (that looked more of like a combine rather than a lawnmower).

Even the two leads didn’t bug me (though they were a little bland) and Robert North and Victoria Scott did a good job in their roles as the resident golf pros Roy and Kelly. The rest of the cast was pretty hammy (intentionally, as this is supposed to be a parody of slasher flicks) and served their roles well (I especially liked William Towner as the country club owner Norman Osgood – “It’s on TV!!”).

Blades even has a sort of Caddyshack-like feel to some of their humorous scenes, and I half expected Bill Murray to pop up to defend his golf course against the ravages of a rogue lawnmower. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it “Caddyshack for horror lovers”, as I’m sure some reviewers have, but with the golf course setting and its zany humor it’s hard not to make the comparison. In reality, director Thomas R. Rondinella intended it to be a Jaws spoof, replacing the ocean with a golf course and the shark with a lawnmower. Yes, it’s pretty silly but it is also pretty entertaining as well! I especially liked the POV shots of the lawnmower stalking its victims through the grass and the fact that the leads got trapped on a broken-down van down by the river in the middle of the course by the lawnmower just like the people were trapped on a sinking boat at the end of Jaws.

Still, I felt the comedy in Blades was a little too restrained. With that you’d think they’d amp up the splatter, but besides a few shredded legs and various bloody body parts strewn about the golf course there’s hardly any gore in the film. Even a scene where a young caddy gets “eaten” and large sprays of blood arc out of the woods doesn’t satisfy because the blood looks so fake.

Sometimes you just have to take a chance on a film, and while Blades certainly isn’t a Tromasterpiece it still managed to entertain me. If you like your films a little bit silly and can appreciate the humor in a bunch of golfers running for their lives from a killer lawnmower, do yourself a favor and check out Blades.

Available (only on VHS) from Amazon!

Squirm (1976)

Killer worms…yup, you read that right. That is pretty much the premise of Squirm, a B-movie from writer/director Jeff Lieberman (Just Before Dawn, Satan’s Little Helper, Blue Sunshine). While this is no doubt one of Lieberman’s worst horror films, it still holds a certain campy charm and should be viewed at least once for its over-the-top and silly story.

From the opening scenes of extreme close-ups of worms screaming (yup…screeching their little tails off!!), you know you’ve entered campy territory! We are then introduced to the main characters after a huge storm has hit their backwater Southern town. They don’t know it yet, but lightening from the storm fried all the worms in the vicinity and made them angry little buggers hungry for flesh! Meanwhile, a city slicker named Mick (Don Scardino) arrives in town to visit his girlfriend Geri (Patricia Pearcy). Mick and Geri keep stumbling over dead bodies, stripped down to the bone, and Mick is determined to solve this strange mystery. He suspects his girlfriend’s next door neighbor, Roger (R.A. Dow) who just so happen to run a worm farm, and starts nosing around for evidence or clues. The townspeople don’t take too kindly to this outsider, so when he discovers that killer worms are behind the murders, no one believes him. It’s up to Mick and Geri to find a way to stop the flesh-eating worms, but will they be able to make it out alive?

Make no mistake, Squirm is an awful movie, but it’s also one of those so-bad-it’s-good flicks that make for a fun viewing experience if watched within the proper state of mind.

Let’s get all the bad elements out of the way – first of all, the acting is atrocious! The actors play the Southern characters completely over the top and, good God, their accents are awful! None of the actors (save for the guy who plays the Sheriff) were Southern and their terribly twangy and grating “accents” can attest to that! Besides the accents, most of the characters were just annoying and I didn’t care whether they lived or became worm food.

Secondly, the plot has lots of unbelievable elements (a dude from New York is really gonna come alllllll the way to a backwoods Southern town to slum it with a small-town girl? Really???) not to mention the silly premise of electricity turning worms deadly.  ‘Nuff said.

Third, the pacing during the first part of the film is off and nothing much happens until 45 minutes or so in…the first part where Mick runs around looking for clues feels more like a Scooby Doo plotline than anything else, and gets pretty boring.

Despite all these problems, a certain charm worms (I couldn’t resist) its way into the film. A surprising scene involving worms burrowing into someone’s face is pretty shocking and the scenes of a massive army of glistening, squirming worms invading a house are impressive and cringe-worthy.

This was one of director Jeff Lieberman’s earlier films and despite its campiness (intentional or unintentional) I am glad that he went on to film more straight-faced horror like the underrated Just Before Dawn as well as other “outrageous” horror films like Satan’s Little Helper. While Squirm isn’t his best work, it is still pretty gosh darn entertaining!

Go ahead and open this can of worms (sorry…had to be done!)!

Available from Amazon!

Hellgate (1989)

Hellgate has got to be one of the worst, all-over-the-place horror films I’ve ever seen! From the weird gags to groan-worthy jokes to the silly ghost/zombie/ghost town/magical crystals/revenge storylines that crisscross the mess of the movie, I was shaking my head is disbelief most of its running time. However, though there is no doubt this is a horribly bad movie, it still has a certain charm to it.

The film opens with a bunch of college kids on vacation who have rented a cabin in the woods. While they wait for their last friend to arrive, they tell scary stories, including the local tale of the Hellgate Hitchhiker. In the 1950s, a motorcycle gang kidnapped poodle skirt cutie Josie (apparently, poodle skirts use that rip-away technology that stripper clothes utilize!) and took her to the town of Hellgate. No one besides her dad tries to help her, which results in him killing her by accident. Years later, the father still grieves for his daughter but when a crystal is found that appears to reanimate the dead (and make turtles moo like cows or make the newly undead explode or liquefy passerby), he decides to bring back his precious daughter and get revenge on everyone. Josie now haunts Hellgate’s back roads and tries to lure unsuspecting strangers back to Hellgate, which has become a ghost town.

Meanwhile, it turns out the buddy of the college kids gets lost on the way to the cabin and is seduced by Josie (who strikes weird poses like she’s a newbie on American’s Next Top Model or something), but gets away right before her father zaps him with the crystal’s laser beam (I’m not making this up). He finally makes it to the cabin but convinces his friends to return to Hellgate in case Josie needs help. There they are greeted by the rest of the undead denizens of Hellgate…

This movie is flippin’ all over the place and from the first couple of scenes there is TONS to make fun of (Josie’s lame attempts at escape from the bikers, her black granny panties, the fact that no one helps when she is kidnapped, not even a guy with a big-ass shotgun (!), the silly scene where she is killed when a motorcycle crashes through a brick wall she just happened to be standing in front of – and this was only 5 minutes into the movie!!). The silliness only continues from there…some of it good (the banter between the college kids), some of it groan-inducing (ahem, the mooing turtle).

Despite its weird charm, the film still seems confused as to what it really is – sometimes it plays it straight, other times it plays it outrageous, and it tries to cram way too many sub-genres (ghosts, haunted towns, zombies, etc.) into its already silly story. For the most part it doesn’t work and I was rolling my eyes more than I was laughing or enjoying myself. However, this film is such a disaster I couldn’t look away! Its over-the-top nature (Zombie can-can dancers! Copious scenes of glass breaking in slow-mo! Tons of shots of Josie lying in bed pouting over the escaped college student while her nipple pokes through a huge wine stain on her dress! The crystal’s laser making things go all explody!) and straight-up weirdness kept me watching ‘til the bitter end.

Besides just laughing at the bizarre nature of the film, I will say that the zombie make-up, especially in the scene with the cars (these zombies can drive…but in this movie I guess anything is possible), is pretty kick ass. The scene itself, with the zombies starting to crowd around the college students, is one of the few well-done scenes in the film and really stands out against the rest of the trashiness of the rest of the movie.

If you are looking for a truly BAD movie to torture your friends and neighbors with that you can still laugh it, a good option may be Hellgate. At least you can have a few laughs in between the eye rolling and the exasperated sighs. However, under no circumstances would this ever be considered a GOOD movie! Thank god this was the last film for BOTH director William A. Levey and writer Michael O’Rourke!

Available from Amazon!

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2010)

It’s never a good sign when a director quits a production half-way through, which is exactly what happened with Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever. Director Ti West (The House of the Devil, The Roost) just didn’t agree with the direction the studios wanted to take the film, so he bailed on the production. He was never replaced and the film was completed without a director. Usually, this spells disaster for a film, but Cabin Fever 2 still managed to be surprisingly entertaining!

This silly and fun sequel bears no resemblance to Eli Roth’s great Cabin Fever (which, for the record, I love!). First off, instead of an isolated cabin the location has been moved to a crowded high school. Secondly, the tone is totally different. Gone is the tension and suspense from Roth’s flick as it’s replaced with funny gross-out gags and outrageous gore. In fact, it helps to think of this sequel as a whole different story, because besides the flesh-eating virus it really doesn’t feel or look like the original!

The film picks up right where Cabin Fever left off – Rider Strong’s character has escaped the cabin in the woods only to realize he still has a very short shelf life. Meanwhile, the contaminated water containing the flesh-eating virus is bottled in a plant and shipped off to the local high school, which is gearing up for their prom. The prom ends up being ground zero for a whole new epidemic as the teens meet all kinds of nasty fates while the military quarantines the whole school. Can anyone make it out alive?

While I expected this sequel to be downright awful, I was pleasantly surprised by its energy, quirkiness and gore factor! If you like gross-out gore shocks, you are going to love Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever! There is copious vomiting along with buckets of blood, sores, pus, infected private parts and lots of ooey gooey ickiness! The action is completely over-the-top and every few minutes I found myself saying “ewwwwww” or “grossssssssssss”!! It’s not easy to gross me out but this film definitely did the trick!

I also enjoyed seeing the familiar faces of Giuseppe Andrews as party-hardy Sheriff Winston and the brief appearance from Rider Strong, both from the original! Other recognizable faces included Marc Senter from The Lost and Noah Segan from Deadgirl. The characters weren’t too terribly annoying, and I was actually rooting for the lead characters!

It’s too bad Ti West walked away from this film, because it’s buckets of mindless fun! It may not resemble the original at all, but it sure is an entertaining way to be grossed out!

Available on Amazon!

President's Day (2010)

You know what I think? That you can never have enough holiday-themed horror movies! So I eagerly looked forward to watching President’s Day! An added bonus is that it’s helmed by filmmaker Chris LaMartina, whose previous films, Book of Lore and Grave Mistakes, we raved about. LaMartina continues his winning streak with President’s Day, a fun indie film that’s a throwback to classic ’80s slashers!

The plot is pretty simple: A killer dressed like Abraham Lincoln is murdering high schoolers who are running for student council. Barry (Bennie Mack McCay IV) joins the race to get closer to new student and fellow candidate Joanna (Lizzy Denning), but finds himself embroiled in a mystery where everyone is a suspect, including snotty popular girl Chelsea (Nicolette Faye), the sleazy janitor (Lee Armstrong) and Officer Kennedy (Ryan Thomas). Can Barry figure out who the killer is before its his turn to get axed?

Chris LaMartina (who directed and co-wrote) again proves that he is a major talent to watch with President’s Day! First off, the film looks fantastic – it has excellent lighting, interesting shots and overall looks extremely professional. It definitely takes skill and talent to make an independent feature, and it’s safe to say LaMartina has both in spades! This is one filmmaker that you actually want to see more from!

Secondly, the story, written by LaMartina and Jimmy George, is simple but throws enough red herrings throughout (that are actually believable) to keep you on your toes. When the final reveal comes as to the killer’s identity, I was actually surprised! And it wasn’t some random character, either, but actually made logical sense! I also enjoyed how each of the characters was developed just enough, and while some of them were stereotypes of high school students, this actually worked with the comedic aspects of the film. I especially liked one particular scene that shows all the stereotypes when Barry is trying to get some information from the students…it definitely made me giggle!

The comedy in the film is never overpowering, though, and there are plenty of horrific kills throughout the film! I was impressed with the films high body count – A LOT of people, kids, and even pets get killed! I especially liked the death of a jock involving a trophy and another one involving a goth girl getting an eye gouged out! The film doesn’t discriminate against the crippled either…the first kill features a wheelchair-bound candidate getting axed! My only complaint is that the kills were a bit anti-climactic and were pretty quick.

Still, that is a tiny complaint in comparison to how I felt about the high quality of the film. Even the acting, usually one of the weakest points for an indie production, blew me away! Every single actor was phenomenal and I couldn’t pick a bad performance out of the bunch! This wasn’t a simple production with just a few lead characters, either, but required the talents of numerous actors, both lead, supporting and extras. I was impressed by the talent of the large cast and the ability of LaMartina to really direct all the actors so that they gave the best possible performances.

President’s Day is a fun throwback film that is well-made, well-acted and just a joy to watch! This again proves that indie filmmaker Chris LaMartina is one talent to watch!

President’s Day will premiere at the Charles Theater in Baltimore on (what else) President’s Day, February 15th, 2010.

For more info, visit President’s Day on Facebook and Twitter!

Book Review: Dead America by Luke Keioskie

Dead America is nitty-gritty look at the stitched-up underbelly of America after there’s no more room in hell and the dead are forced to walk to earth. Except these zombies don’t like to eat brains and aren’t just shambling hordes of rotting flesh. These undead want equal rights and to be treated the same as people who are alive. This is now a world where embalming is a required surgical procedure and rich Dead Americans have plastination procedures to keep themselves looking alive. Yet relations between the living and the undead are shaky at best. The living think the “necros” or “neccers” are stealing their jobs and don’t deserve the same rights as those still breathing. The dead, on the other hand, feel like they are being used and abused, especially since it’s not a crime to kill an undead and necrophilia is legal. And now to top it all off someone has turned up dead (really, truly dead, not “undead”) further straining relations between living and dead Americans.

Take a look at the book’s description:

Life is tough in America. Especially when you’re dead.

Faraday thought finding a runaway girl would be easy money. But when the girl turns up dead – the first American in decades who hasn’t revived as a zombie – Faraday must hit the streets to find her killer.

Standing in his way are undead gangbangers, a police fore rife with bigotry and lifism, and the zombie crime lord of Harlem. But with the help of a necrophilic pathologist, a severed head named Dorothy and a reporter that would literally give her right arm for a story, Faraday must discover why the dead girl didn’t come back to life. And he better be quick before the animosity between the living and the dead sparks a riot that could burn New York City to the ground. 

In a country where afterlife is the same as life before death, can anyone really live at all? 

There are tons of zombie novels out there, but none that I have read have been as unique as Luke Keioskie’s Dead America. Besides its clever take on zombies, it’s got witty, quick-paced dialogue, memorable characters and the grittiest setting of all, New York City! It reads like a hardboiled, gumshoe noir novel but has the added intrigue of a world where Death lives next to the living every day!

I loved the political and social commentary Keioskie infused into the novel. It covers everything from crooked cops to racism, bigotry and intolerance to corrupt corporations and so on. Yet these messages never feel heavy-handed, they are just facts of life in the brave new undead world Keioskie has created.
Besides the nice touches of social relevance in the book, there is also unlimited action! From Faraday’s battles with two hulking twins named Dutch and Butch, to his clever quips with undead reporter Alison Kastle and and run-ins with both the cops and undead gangster Grandpa Hob, there really isn’t a dull moment in the fast-paced book! I also enjoyed all the colorful characters like unsavory forensics expert Conroy who enjoys leering at undead women, vicious undead gangbangers called z-boys, an undead witness who is nothing but a severed head, a gorgeous undead wealthy woman who hires Faraday for another case and so on. The book is just filled to the brim with memorable characters!

Dead America is a wonderfully peculiar read, combining a gritty detective story with plenty of dark comedy and gruesome set pieces. If you love zombie stories but are craving something besides the same stale old brains, you owe it to yourself to check out the revolutionary Dead America!

Visit the Dead America website (worth the visit just for the fake ads alone!!)!

Buy it on Amazon!

Thankskilling (2009)

Horror fans don’t have a lot (if any) options when it comes to horror-themed Thanksgiving holiday movies. When Eli Roth’s faux Thanksgiving trailer was seen during the Grindhouse double-feature in 2007, interest in a feature-length Thanksgiving-themed movie only grew (speaking of which, Roth’s horrifying holiday vision is supposedly in the works).

Well, now horror fans have another option with Thankskilling, and independent production from In Broad Daylight Pictures being released November 17^th, 2009. Thankskilling comes off as a wacky Troma film, filled with bad acting, ridiculous situations, silly one-liners and hell, a talking turkey! You definitely need a sense of humor to get through Thankskilling, just like you need one to get through seeing your relatives during the holidays.

Thankskilling is about a group of friends that drive home for Thanksgiving, but inadvertently find themselves and their community terrorized by a talking, killer turkey. The turkey was resurrected 510 years after a Native American placed a curse on the pilgrims after the very first Thanksgiving.

Dear lord, I’m sure glad I was in a Vicodin haze while watching Thankskilling. This is a campy, over-the-top film that is completely silly and isn’t to be taken seriously. The best parts are when the turkey is on screen…he is completely hilarious! There is even a part where he skins and wears someone’s face a la Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre that’s pretty awesome! And take a look at some of the gut-busting lines he utters: “I’m gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce” after threatening one of the characters or “You just got stuffed!” after raping a character or the infamous “gobble, gobble motherfucker!”

The rest of the characters are all basically brain dead and are intended to poke fun at all the stereotypical horror situations. There’s the slob of a redneck, the nerdy bookworm, the jock, the slutty airhead and the Final Girl. The characters’ parents all play minor parts in the film as well, and I really enjoyed the silly Sheriff’s character!

Of course, some of the acting is pretty bad, but most of the actors are decent. I really enjoyed Chuck Lamb as Sheriff Roud and Aaron Ringhiser-Carlson as the redneck Billy. And whoever voiced the turkey was just brilliant!

Some situations are so unbearably stupid, though, that my disbelief was wayyy too suspended. For example, a dog peeing on the turkey’s grave resurrects him. Really? Writers Kevin Stewart and Jordan Downey couldn’t think of anything more creative than that to bring back the killer turkey? Or how unbelievably dumb the characters are in certain situations (hmmm if a turkey was wearing my dad’s face you’d think I’d notice!). I understand that this was the tone for the film and part of its appeal, but if you don’t enjoy horror-comedy hybrids that are this outrageous, you probably won’t enjoy Thankskilling.

For a low budget film, I really was impressed with the look of the killer turkey. Besides being hilarious, he also looked pretty awesome. I believe they used a puppet, and whenever he spoke it did indeed look realistic. The gory effects were pretty good too…I especially enjoyed when one of the characters ate the turkey and the turkey ate its way out through his stomach! The skinned face of one of the characters looked pretty realistic as well. And the turkey used an electric carver, a meat thermometer and other Thanksgiving utensils as killing tools! Unfortunately, there were some instances of CGI that were noticeable, but luckily these weren’t too numerous or distracting.

If you enjoy campy horror-comedies in the vein of over-the-top Troma releases, you just may count Thankskilling as one of your blessings this Thanksgiving. If those aren’t your thing, though, you way want to steer as clear of Thankskilling as you would dry turkey and nosy relatives!

Order it on Amazon!

The Manitou (1978)

We all bitch and moan about the state of horror and the death of originality in Hollywood, but looking back on older flicks perhaps they had a bit too much creativity! Take, for example, the zany 1978 film The Manitou, which features, among other things, a midget medicine man, ghostly lizards (well, actually, someone dressed in a lizard costume), Tony Curtis dressed as a psychic, a levitating granny, Native American demons that look like a giant eye and lots of colorful, bright lasers!

The film starts with Karen (Susan Strasberg) visiting her doctor after discovering a fast-growing tumor on her neck. The doctors aren’t sure what to make of it, but it definitely looks like a fetus, so they schedule her for surgery. Concerned that the doctors aren’t telling her everything, Karen contacts her old flame Harry (Tony Curtis) for help. Harry is a psychic who scams little old ladies out of their money, one of the reasons why Karen left him. Nonetheless, Harry agrees to stand by her as she goes through the surgery…only it doesn’t go as planned. The doctors are unable to remove the growth because their scalpels are turned against them. Karen is moved to another room and monitored and Harry contacts some his psychic friends to hold a séance and find out if an evil spirit is behind Karen’s affliction. It turns out the evil spirit is none other than Misquamacas, a 400-year-old medicine man who plans on raising hell as soon as he’s reborn.

Harry visits an old professor (Burgess Meredith), who wrote something in a book about reincarnated medicine men, and he suggests that Harry hunt down his own medicine man to “fight fire with fire”. Harry tracks down John Singing Rock (Michael Ansara), who agrees to help him fight the evil medicine man.
When Misquamacas finally “hatches” from Karen, the real showdown begins…can Singing Rock and Harry save Karen and the world before it’s too late?

The Manitou is one crazy, over-the-top flick! The first half of the film starts off pretty solidly (who doesn’t love to watch Tony Curtis prance around pretending to be a psychic or watch a little old granny become possessed, speak in a Native American language and levitate before being tossed down a flight of stairs?) but the last half of the film, where the midget-sized medicine man is born, just devolves into pure schlock. I seriously question how any of the actors could take their roles so seriously when there were rogue lasers and ghostly lizards to deal with. How many takes did it take for them to act with a straight face?

The director behind the film, William Girdler (who also co-wrote the film), is behind such schlocky fare like Grizzly and Day of the Animals, but The Manitou is beyond bizarre. It takes a special kind of horror fan to really appreciate this odd and “out there” horror flick, but purveyors of the peculiar will no doubt enjoy The Manitou for its sheer strangeness.

Buy it on Amazon!

Night of the Creeps (1986)

There are few alien slug/zombie movies that work well, but the cult classic Night of the Creeps is one of the best, if not THE best at mashing together sci-fi thrills with horror movie spills! It even inspired James Gunn’s under-appreciated film Slither!

With the official release DVD release of Night of the Creeps scheduled for October 20^th, 2009, it was high time to revisit this horror comedy from 1986!

After a brief intro featuring midget aliens chasing a rogue alien as it releases a tube containing some kind of “experiment” into space, the film opens in the black and white ‘50s, looking all Pleasantville-esque. Sweethearts Johnny and Pam, students at Corman University, drive up to The Point for a little necking, but when they see a meteor streak across the sky and crash not too far from where they are parked Johnny decides to investigate. While he’s tramping through the woods, Pam hears a news report on the radio about a psychotic mental patient who has escaped and is going around killing people with an ax. Pretty soon, Pam gets forty whacks (and then some) and Johnny discovers that the “meteor” is the tube those aliens didn’t want released, which holds a gross slug that quickly jumps into Johnny’s gaping mouth.

Cut to the 80’s, where Chris Romero (Jason Lively) and J.C. Hooper (Steve Marshall) are now students at Corman U. They aren’t the most popular guys around, but Chris falls for seemingly unattainable sorority babe Cynthia Cronenberg (Jill Whitlow). Deciding that the only way to get her attention is by joining a frat, the two friends decide to take part in a hazing prank to gain entry into a fraternity. They must steal a cadaver from one of the college’s labs, but the only body they can find is the cryogenically frozen body of 1950’s Johnny. They release him from his chamber, but soon realize that Johnny isn’t quite as dead as they hoped and they run away, “screaming like banshees.” The undead Johnny, incubating a host of slugs in his brain that infected him in the ‘50s, kills a scientist (David Paymer) and shambles into town until his head explodes…from which a horde of creepy crawlies is unleashed. Meanwhile, Detective Ray Cameron (Tom Atkins) is called to investigate the murder of the scientist and several strange murders around town.

Soon enough, Chris discovers that the alien slugs infect victims through their mouths and burrow into their brains to lay eggs. While the eggs incubate, their host is turned into a zombie, searching for more victims to infect with the slugs until said victim’s head explodes, releasing even more parasitic slugs. Can Chris, with the help of Detective Ray, stop the undead menace before it overwhelms the entire town? And will Chris ever get the girl of his dreams? Well, “I’ve got good news and bad news…”

Night of the Creeps is a delightful romp that mixes Revenge of the Nerds-type jock vs. nerd scenes with a ‘50s sci-fi feel and some excellent zombie action to satiate your inner Romero. It’s a perfect silly, goofy movie that also offers up a few good scares and gore scenes. The film was written and directed by Fred Dekker, who brought us the amazing The Monster Club, and of course he pays homage to all his favorite horror flicks here. From the characters’ names (Romero, Hooper, J.C. = John Carpenter, Cronenberg, Cameron, Raimi, Landis, etc., etc.!) to the name of the university to the gratuitous boob shots and ample blood spillage, Night of the Creeps definitely wears its influences on its sleeve!

The two main characters of Chris and J.C., played by Jason Lively and Steve Marshall also give us someone to root for the entire time. The nerdiness and shyness of Chris and the got-nothing-to-lose bombast of crippled J.C. perfectly compliment each other and the two have the perfect best-buddy chemistry, making their performances seem natural and effortless. We really do want to see Chris get the girl and towards the end we want them to succeed against the slugs! Another fantastic character is the unforgettable Detective Ray Cameron, played with unabashed bravado by Tom Atkins! From the memorable delivery of his quote-tastic lines (“Thrill me!”) to his bad ass attitude (“Get the 12 gauge out of my car!”) Detective Ray is one of the most memorable characters ever witnessed in a horror movie.

Besides the awesomeness of its script, characters and corny, yet funny, moments, Night of the Creeps also boasts some great special FX work. I loved the decomposing look of the zombies, especially the near-skeletal corpse of the long-dead ax killer! The super-fast, super-slimy slugs are pretty impressive as well, especially when they jump out unexpectedly. When the heroes figure out that fire kills the slugs there are lots of fun scenes of slugs fried to extra crispiness with a flamethrower! And you just can’t beat a zombie vs. lawnmower scene. While some effects still have a certain campy charm to them, most of them work in creating a fun, inventive horror flick.

Many people haven’t yet had the pleasure to see Night of the Creeps, especially since it has never been released on DVD. Well, hopefully that will change when the film is released by Sony this coming October. Fans will also have the opportunity to see never-before-seen extras and special features on the disc, including deleted scenes, commentary, a special featurette on Tom Atkins called Tom Atkins: Man of Action, a few making-of featurettes and much more, not to mention the original director’s cut, which features a different ending than most versions.

Night of the Creeps is a movie that will take you back to the ’80s style geek-wants-to-get-the-popular-girl comedies while also adding in some super-duper alien slug/zombie action! It’s got corny jokes, likable protagonists, a bad ass Lieutenant, slithering slugs and stumbling zombies galore. Add a flamethrower, a lawnmower and some fire-power and what more could you ask for?!

Check out Night of the Creeps when it arrives on DVD…in the meantime, “Thrill Me!”

Available from Amazon!

Rock N Roll Nightmare (1987)

In the cheesy headbangin’ horror movie Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (aka The Edge of Hell) we get to see Jon Mikl Thor in all his Aqua Net glory as lead singer Triton in an 80s hair band (see their #1 hit “We Live to Rock!”) They’ve rented a creepy Canadian (apparently Canada is “where it’s happening, man”!) farmhouse to get away from it all and focus on their music. Their record label even converted the old barn out back into a recording studio! Except, instead of headbanging the band members just want to bang their girlfriends/wives/groupies/each other. Well, we all know that when people go their separate ways in horror flicks it’s an invitation to trouble…sure enough, out pop some demons to take over the band members’ bodies…Why? Cuz that’s how they roll, that’s why. Soon, the only one left standing is Triton himself, who must face the big baddie of all demons…Satan himself. Triton’s got a hidden secret, though…plus, he distracts Satan by rockin’ nothing more than a studded speedo!

Fiends, I will admit to you (if you haven’t figured it out from the synopsis alone) that this is one pretty awful movie, but you just aren’t living until you’ve seen the pure ridiculousness of the epic final battle between Triton and puppets! The barely-there plot, meandering scenes and semi-annoying characters are all forgotten when Triton throws down in front of Satan. Of course, it looks like he is just fighting himself because he has to react to puppets, but that’s all part of this film’s charm!

There is just too much cheesiness to discuss in so short a time. While it’s nowhere near as zany as Hard Rock Zombies, it still has plenty of so-bad-they’re-good moments. Where do I even start? Well, first there’s the 10 minute long intro that consists of watching the band’s van drive up and down country roads. And if to reemphasize that they are hard rockin’ bad boys, they’ve got handcuffs attached to the rear view mirror…that way you know they’re hardcore! Next, I could go on and on about Triton’s ridiculous wardrobe – from a sparkly, metallic tuxedo coat to a polka dot blouse that’s about 10 sizes too small…but fashion doesn’t really make the movie, but it does give you something extra to laugh at!

As for what happens the whole hour or so before the epic final battle? People wander off and have boring sex, the band plays a few songs, more annoying songs are played throughout the film on the radios throughout the farmhouse, a gaggle of groupies shows up for five seconds (not sure what happened to them, but pretty sure they got eaten…hopefully) and, oh yeah, there are a few demon attacks here and there. There is definitely not much of a plot here, and most of the film just seems to aimlessly meander from one scene to the next.

As for the demons, though there are a few cool skeletal ones, the rest are mostly little puppets that look like one-eyed monsters (ya, THAT kind of one-eyed monster…this movie really takes the phrase “rock out with your cock out” a little TOO literally!). They don’t really look all that menacing, but more like adult Sesame Street rejects. As for Satan’s creature effects – he basically looks like he’s pieced together from discarded remnants of the ants in THEM! It also appears that he likes to fight dirty by hurling one-eyed puppet starfish at our hero (whose reaction to them is priceless!). The ensuing “epic” battle makes the performances in pro-wrestling look Oscar-worthy!

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare is a fun movie if you don’t expect too much. It doesn’t deliver much except a few good laughs, but sometimes that’s all you need for a good time! It is so ridiculous that it begs to be seen at least once by every horror fan.

RAWK!

Available from Amazon!

Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

Where can you find horrible 80’s ballads, a rock star that is a pedophile, Nazis, deformed midgets, zombies, a grandma that transforms into a werewolf, bad 80’s metal hair, music video montages, Adolf Hitler and limber but evil groupies? Hard Rock Zombies, that’s where, one of the worst films ever made!

In the opening scene, a dirty-looking blond hitchhiker (Lisa Toothman), who looks like she’s wearing nothing but a scrap of shower curtain, gets picked up by two skeevy lamebrains. Two seconds later they’ve pulled off for a bit of skinny dipping in a scum-encrusted pond where Dirty Blond drowns both dudes. Who knew drowning produced so much blood? A weird guy who was taking pictures the whole time and his pet midgets (one with a patch over one eye and the other looking more like a creature from Ghoulies) join Dirty Blond in disposing of the bodies…but not before Dirty Blond cuts one of the victim’s hands off and croons, “I wanna hold your hand!”

After this preposterous opening scene we join “the band” onstage as they perform for their 12 groupies. After the long and drawn-out song, they head backstage, strip to their skivvies and pose for pics with more groupies! Lead singer and perv Jessie (E.J. Curcio) becomes enamored of the very young-looking Cassie (Jennifer Coe), who not only looks like she’s 12, but also looks like she’s got caterpillars glued over her already bushy Groucho Marx-like eyebrows. Cassie tries to warn Jessie that his band shouldn’t play their next gig in her podunk town, but Jessie is too smitten to pay attention.

On the way to Cassie’s town Jessie practices his newest song, which he’s borrowed from a medieval incantation that was used to raise the dead. Great idea, bonehead!

The band picks up Dirty Blond, who is out hitchhiking again (what a strange pastime…) and she tells them to stay at her family’s spacious Southern-style mansion. Once they arrive they meet with the creepy midgets and the rest of Dirty Blond’s strange family, including her grandparents who let the creepy midgets watch while they have geriatric sex, a hulking, bald man who is either her brother or the gardener (he’s quite handy with the weed whacker) and the paparazzo-in-training from the pond.

After they’ve stashed all their equipment, the band heads into town and we are forced to suffer another horrible musical number – and, hey, this one’s a montage complete with band members skateboarding, scaring kids by spraying them with shaken cans of beer, dancing like idiots, posing in a gigantic wood cut-out of themselves and hamming it up while disapproving townsfolk look on. The band gets thrown in jail for being so lame, but Dirty Blond bails them out.

After almost getting electrocuted while playing another horrible song in front of their hosts, the band eats it for real at the hands of Dirty Blond’s psycho family. Dirty Blond herself takes out a guy in the shower, while grandma turns into a werewolf(!) and mauls two other band members and Jessie is taken out by baldy with the weed whacker, but not before he gives Cassie his tape for his new dead-raising single!

After the funeral, it is revealed that the members of Dirty Blond’s family are all Nazis in hiding and that her grandpa is actually the Grand Fuhrer himself, Adolf Hitler! Hitler has a hidden bunker well-stocked with poisonous gas and plans to take out the entire U.S.!

Meanwhile, Cassie is visiting the band’s grave. She plays the tape Jessie left her and – sho ‘nuff – the band comes back to life as zombies – stiff, Robot-dancin’ zombies that look like a bad KISS cover band that is.

They kill Dirty Blond and her Nazi family (who return as zombies), then drive (yup, zombies can drive) across town so they can play a showcase and impress a record executive. While we are forced to listen to another god-awful song (the third time we hear it in the film), zombies are slowly overtaking the town. The remaining townsfolk think they can repel zombies by holding out huge posters of famous people…buuuut that idea doesn’t work too well and more people become the zombies’ lunch.

One old guy suggests offering the ghouls the town’s virgin, who just happens to be Cassie. Something about the zombies not attacking the town for another 100 years if they can screw and eat a virgin. Anywho, the townspeople haul Cassie up the mountain like a sacrificial lamb and offer her to the zombies.

It’s up to Jessie and the rest of the zombified band to save his jailbait lady love and to put a stop to the zombie nonsense once and for all…but not until we suffer through yet another musical number.

Whew! Apologies for such a long synopsis, but really I wanted you to get a complete gist of the insanity of this movie! And believe me, you haven’t heard anything yet! I have yet to mention the self-cannibalizing midget or the freaky dance montages that feature Dirty Blond. In case you haven’t noticed, this movie is all over the place and you’ll be asking yourself WTF did I just watch when you are through (if you can bear and get all the way to the end, that is).

First off, the puke-inducing music is not what anyone would call “hard rock.” It just sounds like the most generic, Monster Ballad-esque sap you’ve ever heard. And they just keep playing the same damn songs over and over. Plus, they’ve got the whole pedophile angle covered even in the lyrics, which actually say “I’m so in love, but you’re so young.” Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Totally groddy! Someone call Chris Hansen with To Catch a Predator!

Considering this was at one point just supposed to be a 20 minute short movie I understand all the padding used, but did they really have to keep showing such cheesy montages? First with the band “running wild” (errrr, if “wild” means consorting with a bunch of pudgy schoolkids, riding skateboards and doing a Beatle-esque type dance down the middle of a street) through the redneck town and later on with Jessie and Cassie running at each other in slow-mo both dressed in white! And who can forget Dirty Blond doing some kind of weird 80’s dancing, first randomly in the desert then as a slinky zombie minx (who knew zombies were so flexible?). You could fill 20 bottles of Cheez-Whiz with the cheesiness coming out of just these montage scenes alone!

Then there was the whole “what were they smoking?” plot addition of Nazis and werewolves! Seriously, did they think that a strictly zombie movie would be that boring and they needed a little extra Third Reich pizazz? I really don’t know what writer/director Krishna Shah and co-writer David Allen Ball (and no, they haven’t done all that much since this, ahem, “film”) were thinking when they unleashed this horribly bad movie on an unsuspecting audience, but if they were doing drugs while dreaming this film up then it would make for a perfect “this is your brain on drugs” PSA. Just say no, kids!

You’d think with such vivid imaginations some great gore would come out of all this, but sadly the only “gore” we get is blood that looks like it was squirted right out of a Heinz ketchup bottle. The kill scenes are pretty hysterical, though, especially when geysers of blood erupt during a drowning scene and that the zombiefied band kills Hitler by what looks like a ring-around-the-rosies game gone wrong.

The craziness of the Hard Rock Zombies makes some parts entertaining, but for the most part it’s a real snoozefest. The film looses what little momentum it had at about the one hour mark and all those musical numbers certainly make it seem much longer than it actually is. I might have even fallen asleep had the music not been so gratingly bad. Yet, this film is so bad that like Troll 2 it certainly deserves to be seen at least once…but once will definitely be enough. After that you’ll want to bury Hard Rock Zombies for good.

Available from Amazon!

Kids Go To the Woods...Kids Get Dead (2009)

Have you ever heard such a genius title as Kids Go To the Woods…Kids Get Dead in all your horror-lovin’ days? In this fun throwback slasher, the title could also be used as the pitch when trying to sell the movie as well as the synopsis! And think of how many slasher films it so perfectly describes! It basically hit the nail on the head with the title, pretty much perfectly describing any slasher film that took place in the woods.

While the title itself is clever (how did no one ever think of it before?) it alone doesn’t guarantee a good movie. Can Kids Go To the Woods…Kids Get Dead give us horror fans something more besides a funny title? Keep reading to find out…

Now, I’m going to let the official synopsis do all the explaining since I couldn’t have written it better myself:

Do you remember staying up late to watch your favorite horror host on local television? With VHS tape in hand to record all the action (and hopefully not tape over anything important – like your home movies) this nearly forgotten ritual was a mainstay of our youth.

Kids Go To the Woods… Kids Get Dead brings back the classic slasher flick – complete with horny teenagers, worthless cops, a crazy war vet and a masked killer.

It’s Casey’s (Leah Rudick) birthday and to celebrate her and her friends are headed to a cabin in the woods for a wild weekend of sex, drugs and partying. A crazed Killer (Joseph Campellone) has other plans for them and it’s up to Casey’s younger brother Scott (Andrew Waffenschmidt), aided by a mysterious novel that seems to spell out their fate, to find their only hope of survival.

Yes, in keeping with the tradition of our childhoods and adventures in VHS recording, the film features faux commercials, taped over home movies and VHS fuzz in between vignettes of the movie and its sexy horror hostess, Candy Adams. I absolutely love this! It brought me back to my childhood, where I would tape over anything (goodbye, memories!) just to get the midnight horror special that was on TV. It’ll definitely give you that warm, fuzzy, nostalgic feeling!

The whole film is a love letter to 80’s slasher flicks, complete with the lovable clichés of drunken/high/horny teens, dumb cops, the crazy old guy that warns them not to go into the woods and hulking, masked killer. Yet it never feels old or tired, but is only interested in showing you a good time!

The story, written by Michael Hall (who also produced and directed) is pretty self-explanatory (kids go into the woods…kids get dead) but I thought the inclusion of the “mysterious novel” that Scott reads was pretty interesting. Though the idea is never quite developed enough, it was an original touch. I also thought Hall did a decent job of giving the kids personalities and actually making them likable. They aren’t just nameless, faceless kids getting butchered, but each of them has enough of a backstory and plenty of spunk to keep them interesting, from the macho jocks to the virginal girlfriend to the two lesbians!

The acting is also surprisingly good, especially by Andrew Waffenschmidt as Scott who is constantly being bullied. Though none of the actors will win an Oscar anytime soon, they all did a solid job. They were all very believable as their characters, whether they were partying or getting butchered by the killer. As for the killer, he was certainly an imposing figure! He is this huge, hulking guy with a full gas mask on his face (kinda like in My Bloody Valentine) and he carries a huge machete/knife (reminiscent of Jason Vorhees) and breathes like Darth Vader. Joseph Campellone did an amazing job playing him, and really evokes the menace of the killers from all your favorite slashers.

I can’t talk about the killer without mentioning some of the kills, and, boy, were there some impressive ones in Kids Go To the Woods…Kids Get Dead! The blood fell freely as people get gutted, get shot, get their heads popped open, get their heads slammed into mirrors, get their throats slashed, etc., etc. When the action starts, it definitely doesn’t let up! I also liked that even before the killer shows up to do some serious damage to the main characters, we get to see bloody scenes from the book Scott is reading. So even before the killer arrives there is still a lot of murderous mayhem going on! Also impressive are the special FX, especially considering the low budget of the film. With some makeup, fake blood and excellent editing this film does a lot! You can see the process they go through in the behind-the-scenes featurette included on the DVD’s special features, and the result in the film is pretty impressive!

Kids Go To the Woods…Kids Get Dead is a fun throwback to 80’s slashers that is for those that can remember the days of taping midnight horror movie shows on VHS. It is a very enjoyable film that is perfect to watch with a few beers and a big bucket of popcorn…just like back in the day (errrr…except you probably didn’t drink beer as a kid…)!

If I had to title this review, it would be something like, “Critic Watches ‘Kids Get Dead’ Movie…Critic Has Fun”.

Now go out and watch it, suckas!

Buy it on Amazon!

Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Drag Me To Hell is Sam Raimi’s triumphant return to the horror genre…and what a fun, exciting homecoming it is for horror fans! The film sees Raimi returning to his well-known horror comedy roots and brings us some of those Evil Dead-like funny frights we love. He walks a razor-thin line between slapstick and scares, but in Drag Me To Hell he makes it look effortless. One minute the audience is screaming and the next moment they are laughing. I can say with assurance that Drag Me To Hell is definitely the most fun you’ll have in a theater this summer!

The premise is simple enough – while trying to get a promotion, Christine Brown (Alison Lohman) puts her conscience on hold and denies an old gypsy woman, Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver), an extension on her house payment. Since Christine has “shamed” her, Mrs. Ganush places a curse her. In three days the evil demon Lamia will come for her soul…but during those three days Christine will be endlessly tormented by the dark spirit. Can Christine find a way to break the curse before she is dragged to hell?

The joy in watching the film is not knowing what is coming next, so I won’t overly explain the finer points and surprises within the plot. Wow, oh wowie, though! This film certainly doesn’t give you any moment to catch your breath, but keeps barreling along like a bullet train to hell! There is always something happening, from some nasty scenes involving phlegm, maggots and a leaky corpse to a nosebleed that begins as a trickle but explodes into an arterial spray to a menacing handkerchief to plenty of creepy sounds and sudden shadowy appearances by the demon. Moment to moment the movie kept me on the edge of my seat, literally clinging to the arm rests, while I alternately jumped and laughed.

Besides the breakneck, tension-filled pace, I (and everyone in the full theater I saw it in) enjoyed the slapstick humor that worked remarkably well alongside the horror. There were many moments of laugh-out-loud funniness (most often followed by a jolt that had you jumping out of your seat!) along with the plentiful gross-out, “ewwwwwwwwww!!!” scenes involving the bodily functions and bugs mentioned above and much, much more, including a granny gumming someone’s chin, an eyeball flying into a mouth, flies crawling in and out of body orifices and so on! I don’t know how he does it so well, but Raimi manages to both freak and gross you out at the same time!

While the story (written by Sam Raimi and his brother Ivan Raimi) is simple and doesn’t rely on twists and turns to keep the tension taut, it still keeps your eyes glued to the screen. There are carefully placed details throughout the film that definitely come in handy towards the end when everything starts adding up. Though the finale does feature a bit of a twist that is easy to see coming, it is nonetheless entertaining and satisfying to watch! The ending isn’t one I expected, but is surprisingly uncompromising and downbeat.

As for the direction, it is vintage Raimi circa 1981. There are lots of swooping, fast-moving pans and zooms that make you feel like you are on a rollercoaster ride as opposed to just watching a film. It always feels like  something frightening is going to be waiting in the shot as the camera pans back and forth…and, BOO! there is! No one has been able to replicate Raimi’s direction, and I don’t think anyone every could make it such a fun ride as he does, especially in Drag Me To Hell!

Along with the fantastic directing job Raimi delivers and the stupendously simple yet no less entertaining story he co-wrote with his brother Ivan, the actors also shine in this fun flick. Alison Lohman makes the transition from sweet country girl trying to fit into big city life to animal-sacrificing, determined-to-live heroine in a very natural way. I also enjoyed Justin Long in the role of Christine’s supportive but skeptical boyfriend and Dileep Rao as the psychic Rham Jas. The real stand-out, of course, was Lorna Raver as the old gypsy woman, Mrs. Ganush. Her captivating performance was nothing short of amazing! The new catchphrase for summer? “You shame me!”

For those of you concerned about the PG-13 rating, let me assure you that the film does not suffer for it! There are plenty of ooey-gooey scenes that’ll have you squirming in your seat and this film simply doesn’t need heavy-handed gore for it to be effective. It is no way “dumbed-down” for tween and teen audiences, but instead captures Raimi at his very best, combining outlandish comedy scenes with balls-out horror.

Drag Me To Hell is one hell of a movie that you should be running out to see! So quit dragging your feet and get yourself to a theater to see this fantastically fun and hellaciously horrific film NOW, before you shame me!!

Available from Amazon!

Gothkill (2009)

It always seems that horror movies featuring Goths almost always get them wrong to make it almost embarrassing to watch. I mean, not all Goths sit around moping and cutting themselves, thank you very much! Even worse is when Goths are used as a punchline than more as an actual character. Luckily, Gothkill, an entertaining horror comedy, doesn’t fall into either trap, but instead pokes fun at the Goth community as a whole…with a humor that both Goths and “normals” can appreciate!

Centuries ago, Nicholas Dread (fire breathing performance artist Flambeaux) was burned at the stake after daring to stick up for accused witches against his church superiors. Then and there Dread made a pact with the Devil…once he had collected 100,000 corrupt souls on Earth, he would be able to rule his own kingdom in Hell.

Century after century Dread roamed the Earth slaughtering sinners, getting ever closer and closer to his goal of 100,000 collected souls. In present day, authorities eventually catch up to him after he slaughters a group of his followers and he is executed. He was supposed to be raised again by his high priestess to collect just a few more souls, but she was killed and the incantation to bring him back fell into the wrong, bumbling hands…

Meanwhile, Kate (Eve Blackwater) and Annie (Erica Giovinazzo) are two naive college kids looking for a good time. They are invited to the exclusive Goth club Scorpion Society, where elite Goths dress in their finest leather and PVC to party and get spanked. The two girls are drugged and a ritual is performed to induct them into the Society, but the Society’s clueless leader conjures up Dread himself, who possesses Annie’s body and decides that the Society is ripe with rotten souls ready to be reaped…

Can a group of Goths and wannabes hold their own against true evil? Or will they all be joining Dread in Hell?

Gothkill is a rollicking good time and offers plenty of blood, boobs and bondage for the Goth in all of us…

First off, the story, written by JJ Connelly (who also directed), is well-constructed and doesn’t leave any gaping plot holes, which is often the case with lower-budget pictures. Obvious time was taken to properly develop the story and the characters it contains. I loved the backstory of Dread and how we actually got to see him in the past. His character development to the story was very important, and Connelly excelled at this. The other main characters, Kate and Annie, where well-rounded out as well.

The acting from the main characters was amazing, with Flambeaux as Dread being the absolute standout. His performance was enjoyably over-the-top and he commands your attention with every frame he occupies. Any other actor might have played the part too over-the-top, but Flambeaux reigns it in just enough so his performance doesn’t deteriorate into parody. I also loved his dialogue and how it was delivered (“You people want to see something evil? I’ll show you fucking evil!”). The other actors did quite well, too. Erica Giovinazzo was fantastic as both innocent Annie and possessed Annie. Even Mistress Juliya from FUSE makes a memorable appearance as one of Dread’s demon minions.

The dark humor in the film pokes fun at “individualistic” Goths, who all pretty much dress/act the same. While the Goth community is one I most closely relate to, I think it’s silly how individuality is admired…but only if you conform to the “Goth” way of dressing/acting/etc (I’ll admit that I have a tendency to fall into this trap as well). Gothkill does a good job of poking fun at this and other Goth conventions that both Goths and “normies” can both relate to and chuckle at.

I also loved the overall look of the Scorpion Society. It’s a dank and dark club where even I would feel at home. The art direction, by Kirk Larsen, merits mention because of the importance of ambiance and atmosphere in the Goth club setting of the film. Everything from the patrons’ black leather outfits to the dim lighting to the industrial-style DJ booth looked authentic and nothing seemed out of place. Kudos to Larsen for creating such a realistic setting that at the same time set the sinister mood of the film. I also must mention the kick-ass music as well that helped create a gothic/industrial club atmosphere; lots of bumping EBM and industrial tracks here!

The gore here is pretty dang impressive, especially towards the end when Annie/Dread goes on a rampage through the club with a very large, wicked-looking blade. People are slaughtered left and right, with bright arterial sprays of blood splattering everywhere. One death scene in particular, where an unlucky guys gets a knife shoved through his skull and out his mouth, was particularly well-done and memorable!

Gothkill is a short 75 minute film, but it is so enjoyable that the only fault I could find is that it wasn’t longer! You won’t want to miss this exploitative piece of genre cinema!

Available from Amazon!

Dead Snow (2008)

We all know the great threat zombies pose…their large hordes of shamblers are no match for just a few survivors in most cases. Yet, these shamblers are slow and don’t really possess cognitive thinking…all they are thinking about is their next serving of brains.

So wouldn’t it be a whole lot scarier if the zombies in question were military trained with the ability to be organized? And not just that, but super-evil Nazi zombies?! Plus, these zombies are wicked fast, sneaking up on their targets and slicing their necks open with rusty blades or even climbing trees to go after their prey.

These Nazi zombies aren’t just after brains or flesh either…they are searching for their long-lost Nazi gold and revenge against the villagers that stole it from them.

This is the basic premise of Norway’s Dead Snow, a rolicking zombie tale of a group of medical students who head up to the snow-covered mountains for an Easter ski vacation at their friend’s remote cabin. They don’t realized that this remote region has a dark, bloody history. In World War II, the Nazis had a stronghold nearby and made the neighboring villagers’ lives hell. The Nazis amassed a fortune in gold by stealing from the villagers and killing anyone who stood in their way. One day, the villagers finally decided to fight back. They killed as many Nazis as they could and drove the survivors back into the mountains, where they supposedly froze to death. Now, years later the group of 20-somethings has awoken the Nazi zombies who are very eager to regain their lost riches and seek revenge by killing anyone in sight…

Dead Snow is a film that is full of fun, infectious energy! Its comedy isn’t as obvious as I expected, but the balance between slapstick and splatterfest is near perfect! Though the film treads familiar horror ground (a fact that the characters even poke fun at), it has enough manic energy to propel itself forward and never once does it feel stale or too familiar.

The story, while simple and borrowing from many other horror flicks, is well-constructed and there is enough going on so that the viewer doesn’t lose interest. I liked how writers Tommy Wirkola (who also directed) and Stig Frode Henriksen split up the characters and didn’t leave them all stuck in the cabin while the Nazis besieged them. One went searching for his missing girlfriend and encountered the Nazi zombies’ headquarters in a cave, a few others made a mad dash for the car while others distracted the zombies and still others were sure-fire zombie-fodder. All this action and different locations really kept the film moving at a fast clip.

I felt that the character development was a bit lacking. I couldn’t really tell the characters apart and didn’t quite know who was dating who, who was single, etc. Since most of the characters end up as zombie snacks this wasn’t THAT big of a deal, but it did cause some frustration in the beginning of the movie. As for the actors, I thought they all did a fantastic job, whether they were playing it straight or campy.

Another thing that bothered me a bit was that it is never quite explained how the Nazi soldiers came back to life (and why they were so full of fresh, flowing, red blood if they had frozen to death 60 or so years ago!). Still, I let this slide because the rest of the film is just so darn enjoyable!!

As for the gore, you just can’t go wrong with heads getting crushed like ripe watermelons, self-amputation and self-cauterization, limbs getting ripped off, arterial blood sprays against white snow, a snow mobile bisecting a zombie, a zombie bisecting a human, intestines being used as rope and so on. Dead Snow is an extremely satisfying bloodbath! And the special effects makeup the zombies wear looks great! They look like proper evil undead Nazis, complete with rotting faces and dried-up, crusty skin.

Dead Snow is a crowd-pleasing zombie flick that is a perfect mix of slapstick and splatterfest! While it has a few flaws, these are easily overlooked in light of its exhilarating energy. It is definitely a must-see for zombie fans and will leave you with a big grin on your face after experiencing it.

All Heil Dead Snow!

Buy it on Amazon!