Diagnosis: Death (2009)

The big selling point of Diagnosis: Death is that it features the trio from cult comedy show Flight of the Conchords (Bret McKenzie, Rhys Darby and Jemaine Clement) but fans of the show shouldn’t get too excited…each are only in the film for less than a few scenes and none of them play pivotal characters.

Perhaps a better selling point for horror fans is that the official synopsis compares it to Peter Jackson’s early films like Dead Alive and Bad Taste…too bad Diagnosis: Death doesn’t remotely live up to this comparison. Perhaps a more precise title of the film would have been Diagnosis: Zzzzzzzzz, because it nearly put me to sleep.

Teacher Andre (Raybon Kan) and student Juliet (Jessica Grace Smith), both with terminal disease, are both undergoing experimental treatments at a drug-testing facility, lead by the Nurse Ratchet-type Nurse Margaret Bates (Suze Tye). A side effect of the drug is hallucinations, but when both Andre and Juliet start experiencing the same sinister visions of a horrific double murder that may have occurred at the facility, they decide to get to the bottom of the mystery…even if it threatens their lives.

Diagnosis: Death does have its moments of laugh-out-loud quirky humor, but that is the only part of the film that actually rings true. The horrific elements of the film fall severely short, complete with stereotypical Ju-On/Grudge-type scares (a creepy kid, suicide/murder, watery footprints, etc.) and horrendously rendered “ghosts” (including a ridiculously out-of-place scene where ghostly skeletons are boning…ok, that scene alone might be worth a rental). I will say there are some disturbing scenes, including a hanged woman and said creepy kid hiding under a desk, but they were too far apart and the rest of the film dragged.

The film felt unbalanced and at times it felt like I was watching two different movies – a comedy on one hand and a B-horror film on the other – and it just didn’t feel like the elements of horror and comedy ever melded together to create a cohesive film. It’s a pity that the pacing and storyline were so off, because the actors all did a good job. The film is based in New Zealand, and I believe most of the actors are from there. Raybon kan and Jessica Grace Smith were great in their roles, though their age differences made things a bit awkward at times. I especially enjoyed Suze Tye’s performance as the no-nonsense Nurse Bates. And, of course, The Flight of the Conchords guys all did a great job in their brief performances…but seriously, we are talking mere minutes of screen time, so don’t get too excited.

Despite a few positives, Diagnosis: Death arrives DOA and unfortunately can’t be resuscitated with even the quirkiest of humor. Unless you wanna see a couple of wispy, CGI skeletons doing it doggy style, steer clear!

Buy it on Amazon!

Jack Be Nimble (1993)

Jack Be Nimble is a pretty obscure 1993 New Zealand horror film starring Alexis Arquette (back when “she” was a “he”) that deals with evil foster families, deaths by hypnosis and a psychic sister who has a rather icky relationship with an older, equally psychically-gifted man. It is a very dark and solemn film that really doesn’t have much of a strong plot, instead focusing on the odd characters scattered throughout and its somber atmosphere.

The film begins with two young siblings witnessing their mother have a nervous breakdown. When their father comes home, the mother has split, and the children are placed in an orphan’s home. Soon the siblings are separated as the little girl, named Dora, is adopted by doting parents, while little Jack is adopted by a cruel farming family. As Dora grows up with kisses, presents and lots of love, Jack grows up being mercilessly abused by his foster father, mother and four sisters, both mentally and physically. The two never stop thinking about each other, and eventually Jack builds a kind of hypnosis machine and dispatches of his cruel family, setting out on the road to find his sister. His sister has also developed psychic abilities and is able to pinpoint where Jack is. With the help of an older psychic, whom I suppose becomes her boyfriend (such awkward sex scenes…), she finds Jack and the two set out to find their biological parents. Yet, Jack harbors a lot of hatred for them, and Dora fears what he might do with his hypnosis machine. Also, Jack is being trailed by his four sisters, who are out for revenge for what he did to their parents.

Where to even begin with this odd little flick? I suppose the first thing I noticed was the somber mood throughout. This is a dark film that unflinchingly deals with child abuse and the ensuing psychological damage that occurs. It could also be seen as a study of nurture vs. nature, with two siblings being reared in extremely different circumstances. It is definitely not a “fun” horror flick and carries its grim tone throughout. The tone is almost otherworldly, like it was lifted straight out of a Grimm Brothers’ fairy tale.

Adding to the fairy tale-like atmosphere are the almost-caricatured characters of Jack’s evil family – from brutish father to uptight and cruel mother to the silent yet menacing four sisters. I also liked the use of chiaroscuro throughout the film. Deep, dark shadows dominated the first part of the film, only to be juxtaposed with lighter, brighter colors later in the film. Most of the film carried with it a bleak atmosphere, though, and utilized the contrast of light and dark to show just how black the darkness really was.

Story-wise, the plot wasn’t that developed, and it felt like writer Garth Maxwell (who also directed) was a bit all over the place with the psychic/telekinetic/hypnotic powers of the lead characters. Nonetheless, the result was intense interactions between the two siblings. Actors Alexis Arquette and Sarah Smuts-Kennedy, who played Jack and Dora respectively, had a great chemistry and really gave the roles their all. I was surprised at how intense and serious Arquette could act, considering I only remember him from The Wedding Singer and Bride of Chucky. And Smuts-Kennedy (poor girl, doesn’t she have a separate stage name?) was equally good as Dora, even in the intensely awkward sex scenes she had to do with the creepy older guy.

The film isn’t that gory or bloody, but the deaths were very satisfying to watch, especially since most of the victims deserved it. Jack’s hypnosis machine was especially intriguing, but it wasn’t explained much. I think he, like his sister, had certain telepathic abilities but needed the machine he built to channel them. Anyways, I really enjoyed seeing him getting payback against his family in rather satisfying ways. The ending when they must face the four sisters was pretty tense, with someone’s grisly death being somewhat unexpected and a bit of a letdown. And the strange last scene just seemed really unnecessary, like out-of-nowhere unnecessary!

Jack Be Nimble is a very odd, off-kilter horror film that feels more of like a twisted fairy tale rather than a straight-forward horror film. Despite its flimsy story, I was nonetheless intrigued by the characters and their abilities. Add in some evil people you can enjoy watching die via hypnosis and telekinesis and you’ve got yourself an overall satisfying, if not weird, horror flick! If you are looking for something completely different with a grim, somber feel to it, you should give Jack Be Nimble a look!

Buy on Amazon!

The Tattooist (2008)

I’ve always been enamored of tattoo culture and have a few of my own tattoos I’m pretty proud of (always planning on getting more, though), so when I heard about a horror film called The Tattooist I was overly eager to check it out. Everyone looks hotter with tattoos (the film’s poster proved that itself) so I went into The Tattooist thinking that if little else, at least there’d be some wicked-cool tattoos to check out. Surprisingly, The Tattooist was an entertaining flick and not just because of the tattoos on display, though it is a stretch to call it a horror film.

Tattoo artist Jake Sawyer (Jason Behr, looking smokin’ hot) is renowned for using his tattoos to heal people and utilizes symbols from many various cultures and religions to do so. At a tattoo convention in Singapore, he is intrigued by a group of Samoans performing their traditional tatau on a man. Well, truthfully he is intrigued by a woman, Sina (Mia Blake), that is part of the Samoans group. He ends up swiping an old, ritualistic tattoo tool from the Samoans, but when he cuts himself on the tool, he unwittingly releases a vengeful spirit that kills anyone he tattoos by basically flooding their bodies with tattoo ink.

Before Jake realizes he’s got a demon on his back, he heads down to New Zealand to catch up with the Samoans to learn more about their tattooing practices and also to return the tool, which has brought him some wicked visions. He’s also keen on reuniting with Sina. He gets a job and a place to live through an old tattooing buddy at a tattoo shop called Bedlam, but when he starts tattooing clients, they end up dying grisly deaths soon after.

Can Jake figure out how to stop this curse and figure out just who the spirit is before more people die, including the newly inked Sina?

This New Zealand film must be given credit for having a pretty original premise. It’s not too often that you see a horror film whose basis is cursed tattoos or Samoan tribal customs, but The Tattooist manages to do both. Writers Jonathan King (whose name might be familiar because he wrote and directed the hilarious Black Sheep) and Matthew Granger (who was also a contributor to the Black Sheep script) do a great job of acquainting the audience with both the tattoo and Samoan cultures. The fascinating world of Samoan tatau (the originators of the word “tattoo” and perhaps of the art form itself) was especially interesting, delving into their culture and beliefs on the sacred art of tatau and how it is passed from one generation to the next. Any misuse of it can bring great shame on a family, a theme that runs throughout the film and weighs importantly on the climax.

Though I found the film to be engaging, it was pretty tame for my tastes. The R-rating it received mainly comes from the language used throughout the film and not from too much gore or nudity. It really feels like a PG-13 film at heart, with not too many scares or gross-outs for hardcore horror fans. The story played out slowly, more like a thriller or mystery rather than a straight-up horror movie, which will no doubt annoy some. Initially, this lack of scares annoyed me too, but I have to admit I did get wrapped up in the story and did enjoy it for what it was.

One thing that added to the enjoyment of the story was the well-rounded set of characters. Jack Sawyer, played by Jason Behr, comes complete with a troubled childhood (he was raised by a religious zealot that condemned his tattoos and actually cut one off his skin) while Sina, played by Mia Blake, is the strong yet silent type that plays against her cultural role by inviting a white boy into her Samoan home (much to the chagrin of her uncle and cousins). I also enjoyed the little boy who acted as a medium for the spirit to talk through and his two older homies. They had one sweet ride…

The actors all held their own and I can’t say I have any complaints with anyone’s acting. Maybe Jason Behr’s rock-hard abs were distracting me too much, but I think everyone did a great job.

The deaths, though not overly scary or gory, were still pretty cool. The victims’ tattoos would start spreading and branching out across their bodies, then they would start to cough up black ink and eventually die painfully in an inky, bloody pool. The special FX when this happened was flawless and extremely well done. Glimpses of the spirit inflicting the pain can also be seen in several instances (reminiscent of Asian horror spookfests), and these scenes are pretty creepy, but still not scary. The spirit itself looked very cool, though, and not at all hokey. It’s too bad director Peter Burger played it safe and didn’t really give us more of these visually arresting and horrifying images in The Tattooist, which is a pity because the solid story was there. It was also strange how the film was shot in bright, cheery colors as opposed the the dark and drab atmosphere most horror movies are filmed in. This bright and cheery exterior really dampened the overall “scare factor” of the film.

Thought not a very scary horror movie, The Tattooist does have its moments where the story sucks you in and some pretty revealing tidbits on the Samoan culture and tatau. It’s not a bad way to spend an hour and a half, just don’t expect to be scared.

Available from Amazon!

Black Sheep (2007)

In the New Zealand horror comedy Black Sheep, Henry Oldfield (Nathan Meister) returns to his childhood farm 15 years after his father’s death and another traumatic incident that left him with a severe phobia of sheep. His older brother Angus (Peter Feeney) now runs the sheep farm, and has been doing illegal experiments and genetically engineering sheep. Meanwhile, two hippie animal liberation nuts, Grant (Oliver Driver) and Experience (Danielle Mason), are intent on breaking into the laboratory where Angus and his scientific team conduct their experiments. Grant steals a large container that holds what appears to be a fetus of a sheep in a toxic waste sludge, but clumsily drops it while running away from the scientists. Suffice to say, Grant gets bitten by the evil little fetus-lamb, and it goes on to spread its vile disease to other usually placid sheep, turning them all into bloodthirsty killing machines. Henry, Experience and farm hand Tucker (Tammy Davis) all team up against the gore-hungry sheep, but they have far bigger problems. It seems that anyone who gets bitten by an infected sheep transforms into a giant sheep-human mutant. Also, Angus is not giving up his experiments or his precious sheep without a fight. Can Henry and the gang save the rest of New Zealand from the spread of the baaaaaaaad sheep?

I caught this fun summer flick at a fairly small and packed theater, and let me tell you, the audience’s reactions were one of the best parts! I got there early, so I got to see people’s reactions as they trickled out of the first showing…smiles, giggles, high fives…this was looking good! And as I left the theater that evening, I was doing the exact same thing…smiling, giggling and high fiving!

Now, this flick definitely isn’t perfect and does have its flaws, but for an entertaining popcorn movie in the heat of summer it works just fine.

The films first 30 minutes are its strongest, introducing some uproarious comedic elements, one decidedly creepy and gruesome scene and a gaggle of goofy characters. I especially enjoyed the evil head scientist (played by Tandi Wright) and all her delightful wickedness. Perhaps it’s just me, but I though Peter Feeney, who played Angus, had a very Bruce Campbell feel to him. Either way, he played a dastardly villain and was a lot of fun! Nathan Meister as Henry and Danielle Mason as Experience also did spectacular jobs with their characters, as both their characters changed the most.

Director and writer Jonathan King shows us some truly beautiful vistas of New Zealand, and even manages to pull off the shaky cam technique quite well. His direction is sure and steady, and while he doesn’t show us any fancy footwork, he really doesn’t need to. With a premise like “killer sheep run rampant” one doesn’t really need artsy camera work, now do they? With the script, King nails some comedic scenarios early on, but the jokes run out pretty quickly after the first half. The second half of his story follows the trail of dismembered corpses strewn about by the infected sheep. After the jokes run out, King unwisely falls back on gore, leaving a sagging storyline in its wake.

Speaking of the gore, it is unmistakably present, with throats ripped out, legs and arms chewed off, large bites taken out of people, skinned sheep, heads being blown off, nasty human-to-sheep mutations/transformations and a pit full of decomposing and bloody animal remains that our intrepid heroes fall ::splat!:: right into. Gorehounds will be happy, though the film never goes as far as Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive (aka Braindead) or Bad Taste, both of which Black Sheep has been compared to. All you skeevy sleazemongers will be sad to see no nudity on display, though there are two displays of “inter-species erotica” that might tantalize a few out there (it’s a movie about sheep…you didn’t expect that?).

The gore and special FX in the film look amazing. Luckily, no obvious CGI was used and everything looks all the better for it. One transformation from man to sheep was pretty cool (though some of it took place in the shadows) and it reminded me of the transformation scene in The Howling (still one of the best, in my opinion). Even the hulking sheep-man hybrid wasn’t done with CGI and it looked damn cool.

Black Sheep is a fun, breezy and creative film that is a breath of fresh air in a stale summer bloated with sequels, harebrained movies stuffed with empty calorie stars and PG-13 crap. Sure, it’s not perfect, but sitting in a darkened theater and sharing a horror comedy with an eager audience that loves the silliness transpiring on screen as much as you do is as close to perfection as I want to get.

Available on Amazon!

The Ugly (1997)

The Ugly is a psychological thriller about a serial killer named Simon who has been locked up in a mental institution for the past six years. A psychologist, Dr. Karen Shoemaker, is brought in to interview him and to try to get inside his head. Simon's life from young boy up to serial killer fruition is told through a series of flashbacks. As Karen delves deeper into Simon's past, he starts to get into her head.

Simon is a seemingly nice, meek and cute fellow, who tells Karen that "the visitors" make him kill. He doesn't consider himself a serial killer, as it is his alter ego, "the Ugly," who enjoys the killing. For Simon, killing is just a respite from the visitors, who torment him endlessly to kill again. Simon's first "visitor" was his own mother, whom he killed as a young boy. He spent some time in a juvenile facility, but just as soon as he was out he started killing again. He followed no pattern, just killed whoever the visitors told him to. He was finally caught by the police when he killed someone he knew, his childhood friend Julie.

Simon draws Karen (and the audience) in with his little-boy-lost look. Karen continues to push him to reveal why he killed so many people, but Simon simply blames the visitors. In the end, Simon embraces his true nature and accepts that he enjoys killing, saying "I am cured."

This was an ok low budget movie from New Zealand. I enjoyed how Simon's flashbacks were conveyed in more of a dream-like (or nightmarish) atmosphere. In his flashbacks, the blood of his victims was black, not red, to signify the flashbacks existed outside of reality. In the final scene, when Simon kills again, the blood is red for the first time in the film, signifying that the murder did happen here and now. I thought Paolo Rotondo, who played Simon, was terrific. I felt both sympathetic and repulsed by his character, which can be pretty tricky. It was also hard to tell if Simon was just manipulating Karen or if he was really telling her the truth. Very well played by Mr. Rotondo.

On the other hand, this movie was a little slow, especially towards the middle. It kind of stagnates for a bit, not really going anywhere. This hurts it a lot, as it really failed to entertain me. I just felt like I was wasting time with this movie. Also, it was not scary. Sure, it had its gory parts - Simon kills his victims with a straight razor, at least most of the time - but nothing in this film makes you jump out of your skin. Also, it seemed like it spent too much time making Simon the victim (he was bullied and had an overbearing mother as a child) and playing upon the audience's sympathy for him.

This movie is not as shocking as Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer or as clever as Silence of the Lambs, but if you enjoy movies that try to get into a killer's head, you may enjoy this one. Not bad for a low budget movie, just a tad too slow for me.

Check it out on Amazon!