Zombeak (2010)

Zombie chickens are one thing, but how about zombie-chickens possessed by Satan?! That’s the general gist of Zombeak, a cheap but fun low-budget film. It is about a group of Satanists who kidnap a trash-talking waitress. They have plans to conjure Satan and have their master impregnate the waitress with the Antichrist. However, the waitress’ hick boyfriend, a gun-happy cop and her boss bust into the Satanist’s decrepit house before the ritual can be completed…but not before Satan has been summoned. Satan soon takes over the body of a sacrificed chicken and all hell soon breaks loose.

Zombeak is a fun, low-budget film. I liked how it wasn’t just a straight-up zombie poultry flick (we’ve already got the great Poultrygeist and Thankskilling for that!), but actually adds more dimension to the story by incorporating the Satanic subplot. And how can I pass up a film whose tagline is “Murder Most Foul”?!

I guess my biggest gripe with this film was the slim plot, which led to a lot of repetition. The flick is only 70 minutes long, but unfortunately takes 20 or 30 minutes to get going and get to the good stuff involving the Satan-possessed zombie chicken. When it finally gets to that point, I finally got engaged in the movie but the limited scope of the plot made me lose interest again.

However, I did like the schlocky feel of the film and enjoyed the characters, especially the trash-talking waitress as well as the Satanic priestess. Props to both actresses for their wonderfully spot-on performances! Films like this usually don’t have much character development, and Zombeak was no exception, however these two characters were the only ones I was really rooting for!

While the special effects are obviously low-budget, I thought their look actually fit well into the overall tone of the film. The zombie-chicken itself is pretty hilarious, but it works well with the goofy feel of the movie. Victims get pecked to death before becoming possessed themselves, and their makeup looked pretty cool.

The film is so over-the-top and shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Despite its issues with pacing and plot, I still felt that Zombeak was a commendable effort from those involved in this indie production. It’s a fun, nitty-gritty film that would be fun to watch with a group of friends and several frothy beers.

Check out Zombeak’s official site!

Burning Bright (2010)

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

-from William Blake’s “The Tyger”

The above is an excerpt from one of my favorite poems of all time, so when I heard they were making a film called Burning Bright a few years ago, I was pretty stoked. As time passed and I learned more about the project, things got…interesting. For one, the synopsis had me a little worried; it was basically about a young girl and her younger brother trapped inside a house with a killer tiger during the middle of a hurricane. Pretty silly-sounding, no? Secondly, it never got a proper theatrical release and was unceremoniously dumped on DVD a few weeks back. Another bad sign. However, I decided to give it the old college try anyway. I love tigers, I love Blake’s poem, I love nature-run-amuck films…how bad could it be? Well, while it certainly wasn’t terrible, it also wasn’t grrrrrrreat!

Teenager Kelly (Briana Evigan) is looking forward to attending college and healing from her mother’s recent suicide, but before she goes she must check her autistic younger brother Tom (Charlie Tahan) into a special home where he will be taken care of while she is away at school. One problem…her irresponsible stepfather (Garret Dillahunt) has squandered her savings meant for Tom’s medical care on purchasing a tiger for his planned “Safari Farm”. Kelly is forced to return home with Tom as a hurricane bears down upon their home. The despicable stepfather has other plans on top of spending all her dough, though.  During the night, with the house safely boarded up against the hurricane, he releases the tiger into the house with Kelly and Tom fast asleep upstairs. When Kelly awakens, she finds herself and Tom trapped in the house with a hungry, hungry tiger that hasn’t eaten in two weeks.

Ok, so besides the ludicrous sounding synopsis I was nonetheless intrigued. I mean, at least it wasn’t another remake and was actually trying something new. So starting off I was pretty interested in the film and willing to give it a fair shot. Now, the film had plenty of positives going for it, but I found myself quibbling over  illogical plot points more often than I found myself actually enjoying the action on screen. First, though, let’s get into the positives…

For one, I thought the characters were very well-done. They are developed just enough so that you hate the skeezy stepfather and feel empathy for Kelly and understand her frustration with having to care for tantrum-throwing Tom (“no touch!!”), who is both a burden and a responsibility. The tiger even takes on a personality all its own…though I mostly sympathized with the tiger and thought it was only doing what came naturally since its a-hole of an “owner” didn’t feed it for two weeks.

Speaking of the tiger, yes, a real one (actually, three separate trained tigers) is used…no CGI tigers here. There are a few scenes where the tiger is super-imposed on the background that look fake, but looking fake is definitely better than having a real tiger get hurt crashing through a glass door.

Since this is more of a “cat and mouse” suspense film, there isn’t much blood and no gore, but this film doesn’t need it. Director Carlos Brooks does quite a good job creating tension without needing to use flashy effects or grue.

However, there were so many unbelievable events occurring that I found myself questioning the logic of the script too many times. Perhaps it was a matter of too many cooks in the kitchen, as there were three writers on the film, but the plot holes were annoying no matter what the reason! Now, I’ve seen a ton of positive reviews for Burning Bright, so maybe it’s just me or maybe I was missing something, I just know that I was rolling my eyes way too many times during the film. And it bugs me that I was annoyed so many times because most of the time it was small stuff…but nonetheless these small instances added up fast and affected my overall enjoyment of the film, so I felt they should be noted. For one, Kelly was wandering around the house before she became aware of the tiger. Seriously, if the tiger was hungry it totally could have nabbed her then. Plus, you think the tiger would have heard/smelled Kelly and Tom upstairs while they were sleeping and busted into their rooms then. Later on, Tom is caterwauling as they are trying to hide – why didn’t the tiger go after them then? He could obviously hear them! All the while this was occurring in the early morning hours back at the house, the stepfather was sitting at a bar drinking beer. I don’t know what state the film is set in, but do bars usually open that early? Gah, I’m annoyed that this film makes me seem like a major nitpicker, but seriously all these (and more) nagging questions kept irking me!

If you can ignore the small stuff, Burning Bright is a pretty competently done film. It never really scared me, but it had its tense moments (especially when Kelly is hiding in the laundry chute). While it definitely doesn’t burn as bright as I would have liked it to,  I still think it at least deserves a rental.

Available on Amazon!

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1959)

This 1959 film is Hammer Studios’ treatment of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes story. With a wonderful cast, including Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee, and an atmospheric setting of a castle on the foggy English moors, this is a classic that pairs well with a dimmed room and plenty of popcorn.

The story begins with a cruel aristocrat, Sir Hugo Baskerville, tormenting and exploiting his servants. After offering up a maid to his slovenly guests during a party, Sir Hugo discovers she has escaped and he gives chase. He catches up to the girl near some crumbling ruins on the moor and stabs her to death. However, immediately after he is killed by a “hound of hell”. Many years later the curse of the “hound of the Baskervilles” persists. Sherlock Holmes (Peter Cushing) and Watson (Andre Morell) are hired to investigate the most recent death of a Baskerville and to make sure the last remaining heir, Sir Henry (Christopher Lee) doesn’t succumb to the “curse”. Can Holmes solve the case before it’s too late?

I love old mystery movies like this! However, The Hound of the Baskervilles is really the cream of the crop! Its well-constructed plot, creepy setting and enjoyable characters all kept my attention for its entire running time. I was even trying to figure out “whodunit” half-way through, but I must admit Sherlock Holmes had me beat on this mystery!

First off, the setting is just gothically gorgeous…crumbling ruins in the moonlight, misty moors, old creaky castles, howling hounds, flickering candlelight…I could gush on and on, but you probably get the idea! I absolutely love the gothic aesthetic, especially when it’s pulled off in film correctly. I really wasn’t expecting a Sherlock Holmes tale to have such a creepy and romantic atmosphere, but Hound certainly did and pulled it off as well! Director Terence Fisher, no stranger to gothic horror, certainly shows off his skill in this film!

Secondly, the story was just fantastic. It is based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s tale, so I really shouldn’t be surprised! The film sticks pretty close to the original story as well, though a few liberties and changes were made. I’ve heard people b*tch and moan that they changed too much, but I don’t think that’s the case. The film’s ending feels a bit more realistic instead of the romantic ending Doyle imagined in his book and the other liberties are small enough to not really affect the whole of the story. Kudos to screenwriter Peter Bryan for sticking close to the original story while making it his own as well!

Lastly, the characters and the acting were excellent! I especially liked the cocksure and arrogant Sherlock Holmes that Peter Cushing played! Andre Morell was equally good as the competent Watson, whom we spend most of the first part of the film with. And who can forget Christopher Lee? Ladies and gentlemen, he is absolutely scrumptious here!! I mean, can I please just swoon in his arms? Anywho, Lee is great as the befuddled Sir Henry, who is not sure whether to believe his family’s curse or not. All of the other players in the film did a fine job, too.

The film didn’t need that many special effects, so there’s not much to talk about in that respect. A bloody knife and a mine that caves in on Holmes offer the most shocks in the film, besides the exciting ending, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the film is boring! Far from it, it’s amazing what director Fisher does with atmosphere and great actors! The cave-in and a nighttime chase through the moors were the most exciting scenes for me to watch, but the ending is also quite good and comes as a bit of a shock!

If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching Hammer’s Hound of the Baskervilles, do yourself a favor and get it now! It’s simply elementary, my dear readers!

Available on Amazon!

Alligator (1980)

Remember the urban legend about alligators running loose in the sewers? The legend goes that gators were taken home by overeager kids wanted them as pets, only to be flushed down the toilet when they became problematic. The gators ended up in the sewers, eating stray pets, bums and the occasional kid and causing general hysteria.

The 1980 film Alligator follows this same premise, but also throws in some nefarious corporation illegally doing cruel experiments on animals and dumping their growth-hormone packed corpses into the sewers. Well, this is all well and good for Mr. Gator (whose real name is Ramon) since he has a steady diet of pumped up puppies that cause him to reach 30 – 40 feet in length! Still, the hormones cause him to have an insatiable appetite, so soon he is roaming the streets of Chicago, looking for his next bite! Who is gonna stop him? How ‘bout a misogynistic cop with a receding hair line (Robert Forster) and a gator scientist (Robin Riker) who happens to be the same kid whose daddy ended up flushing the alligator all those years ago!

This entry into the “animals attack” subgenre is pretty entertaining, but it has some awful characters…they are so bad, in fact, that I was rooting for the alligator the whole time! First, it appears that EVERYONE in the film is misogynistic…NO ONE believes a woman can be…GASP!…SMART or a SCIENTIST! Every male character talks down to the lone female character (the alligator scientist) and she pretty much just takes it. The receding-hairline cop even tells her he isn’t gonna take her to dinner unless it’s guaranteed that she is gonna bone him…and when they finally gets to dinner he is a major ass (as if he wasn’t enough of one to begin with). The misogyny in this film is so annoying it pretty much becomes amusing after a while…and it’s just begging to have a drinking game created for every offensive remark made!

On the plus side, the film has an interesting anti-animal cruelty/anti-animal testing perspective. The corporation, CEO and flunky “scientist” that are abusing and killing animals in lab tests are looked upon as the villains (as they should be). I found it interesting that the film had such a strong animal rights message considering that the alligator is blown to smithereens at the end. However, I’ll take animal welfare messages where I can get them, and it appears that Alligator at least has some good points about the cruelty of animal testing as well as showing how unnecessary it is in most cases (in most cases, I’m not saying all, as this is a very sticky subject).

Also, I found it interesting that I was cheering for the alligator the whole way through. “Ramon” kinda became like a superhero during the film as he took down the bad guys (most satisfying scene: seeing the CEO of the corporation get smooshed!). I didn’t care about our supposed “hero”, the cop, or even the woman gator scientist. No, I just wanted to see Ramon slither away and live another day to take a bite out of crime! Sadly, he doesn’t survive…

For an “animals attack” film, I sure don’t recall that much blood…there’s one memorable scene at the beginning where an alligator wrangler (you know, those guys in the swamp who put on shows for crowds, opening gators’ mouths, wrestling them, etc.) gets his leg bitten off, but from there the gator manglings all kinda blur together. Even the satisfying scene where the CEO gets his due isn’t all that bloody. However, I will say that the alligator looks great! Or maybe I was too distracted by the misogynistic cracks to notice…Anywho, director Lewis Teague used both an animatronic, mechanical alligator (which often malfunctioned) as well as a regular sized alligator in miniature sets. Though sometimes it was obvious, I think it still looked great nonetheless!

Alligator is a pretty decent “animals attack” horror film. If you can get past the annoying characters, misogyny and lack of gore, definitely check it out. If you don’t think you’ll like it, check it out anyway and just make a drinking game out of all the misogyny that occurs!

Salud!

Available from Amazon!

Frozen (2010)

I’ve never been a fan of the snow. In all my life I’ve probably been in it just a handful of times. I’ve never been skiing (unless you count that time when I was really young and my parents took me to the Swiss Alps), never been snowboarding and have no desire to do either. Though I live just a few hours from the mountains I’ve never been and have no plans to go. Snow is cold and wet, whereas I would much rather be warm and dry! I can appreciate the majestic snow-capped mountains, but always at a distance, thank you very much! This rant is brought to you by Adam Green’s Frozen, a film that furthers my belief that I should stay as far away from snow as possible!

Frozen is about friends Lynch (Shawn Ashmore) and Walker (Kevin Zegers) and Walker’s girlfriend Parker (Emma Bell) who head up to a ski resort one Sunday. Seeing as they don’t have enough money to pay full price for lift tickets, they bribe a ski lift operator to let them go up the mountain. They spend most of the day on the bunny slopes because it is Parker’s first time snowboarding, which irritates Lynch since the trip is traditionally bros only. As nightfall nears, the trio decides to go on one last decent run, even though the lifts are closing due to a blizzard coming in. The same lift operator grudgingly lets them go up one last time, but because of a miscommunication another lift operator shuts everything down while the trio is stuck halfway up the mountain. When they realize they have been left behind and no one is coming to rescue them, the three friends must go to tremendous lengths to survive the elements…because the resort won’t open back up for another five days.

This film must be given props solely for the fact that it was shot practically – meaning that this wasn’t shot on a studio set but was actually shot in freezing cold temperatures on an actual ski lift that was 50 feet in the air. If you have heard any of director/writer Adam Green’s terrifying tales of the production, you know that this in of itself was a horrifying ordeal! They shot through real blizzards, used real wolves and were really suspended five stories above the ground! For this, both cast and crew are to be applauded, especially since the film looks so great. Green used a cherry-picker type crane to get many amazing shots and luckily the film isn’t just one static shot of the actors in the lift. Instead, it moves around them and keeps things visually interesting.

Also, I know people are bitching about what they would do if stuck in a ski lift (“Dude, why don’t they just jump? It can’t be that high.” or “Why don’t they MacGuyver themselves out of the situation by sliding down the lift cable?”), but in actuality all of these possibilities are explored by the stranded friends and the results are pretty grim. Every little detail is explained so the story becomes very realistic…and therefore very scary. The film is incredibly tense, uncomfortable to watch and features several cringe-worthy scenes (which I won’t spoil here). The three kids are fighters, and do what they can to survive, but with limited options, plummeting temperatures and hungry wolves circling them, they can only do so much to stay alive.

Speaking of the characters, you really get to feel like you know them (perhaps a little too well) and can easily empathize with them. However, I will say that the female character of Parker came off a little too whiny for my liking. I would have liked to see her fight a little more and cry/scream a little less. Despite that, I felt the actors gave amazing performances (and it probably helped that they were actually freezing their asses off and experiencing a lot of what their characters were during the shoot). The bromance between Walker and Lynch was believable, and Walker and Parker were a cute couple. These weren’t the stupid stock characters you’d encounter in some horror films that you want to see die – they were ordinary, run-of-the-mill good kids who found themselves in a horrifying ordeal that you hoped they found a way out of. Unfortunately, they don’t all make it out alive…but the film definitely kept you on your toes guessing who will live and who doesn’t.

Besides Green’s simple-yet-effective story and well-rounded characters, I also enjoyed the humor he infused into the film. At the beginning of the film it is welcome, but he even employs it during some of the more tense scenes. Most of the time the humor worked, but other times it killed the tension and took you out of the moment. There were also some fun cameos throughout the movie – for example, one quick scene features Green himself and buddy Joe Lynch (director of Wrong Turn 2). Kane Hodder (who was stunt coordinator on the film) even makes an appearance as a snow truck driver and Green’s own fiancé, Rileah Vanderbilt, plays a potential love interest of Lynch. Horror fans will notice that even the characters are named after Green’s friends in the horror community. These are cute little perks that I and other horror fans definitely enjoyed!

However, after all that gushing about Frozen, I must admit it has its flaws and I didn’t enjoy it 100%. After the first half of the film, it started to drag a little bit and I wished the characters would start to actually DO something about their predicament rather than trade stories like they were Grandpa from The Simpsons. The film starts to drag a little bit and loses steam, not to mention a few implausible events that just didn’t ring true. After all the realism of the first half of the film, I was disappointed that I had to keep suspending my disbelief more and more as the film neared its end. This isn’t to say that it’s a bad film by any means, but just that towards the end it didn’t grab me as much as it should have.

I still left the theater chilled, though, and extremely grateful for the heater in my car! Frozen might not be perfect, but it was definitely realistic (for the most part) and to all the naysayers wagging their tongues about how such-and-such isn’t possible or so-and-so should have done this – well, I dare them to actually go see the film (or hey, better yet, climb into an actual ski lift during winter and get stuck up there themselves for a few days) before making such remarks. I, for one, know I’ll never again look at a ski lift without trepidation!

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The Canyon (2009)

What comes to mind when you think of the Grand Canyon? Wide, expansive spaces? Majestic views? Awe-inspiring vistas? Certainly fear and/or tragedy isn’t one of the first things you think of (well, I hope not anyway!), but the Grand Canyon has had its share of shocking deaths within its deep walls.

According to Wikipedia, “About 600 deaths have occurred in the Grand Canyon since the 1870s. Some of these deaths occurred as the result of overly zealous photographic endeavors, some were the result of airplane collisions within the canyon, and some visitors drowned in the Colorado River. Many hikers overestimate their fitness level, become dehydrated and confused, and must be rescued.”

The Canyon preys upon people’s fear of being lost in the wilderness and of nature in general. It tells the tale of city slickers and eloped newlyweds Nick (Eion Bailey) and Lori (Yvonne Strahovski) who decide to spend their honeymoon taking a mule ride down to the Grand Canyon’s floor. Problem is, they need a permit and permits have to be booked months in advance. They think all hope is lost, but then they meet weathered tour guide Henry (Will Patton), who promises he can procure the necessary permits and guide them down the Grand Canyon. Things start off well, but when they reach the canyon floor disaster strikes when Henry suffers a nasty fall off his mule and is bitten by rattlesnakes. Without their mules and no way to reach the outside world for help, Nick and Lori must find their way out of the canyon…before it is too late.

I’ll be honest, I was intrigued by the trailers for The Canyon. I thought there was a chance for the film, a take on the nature-run-amuck subgenre, to actually be good. Unfortunately, the film is as bland as vanilla and never pushes boundaries.

The best part of the film, the beautiful setting, is the most fleeting and ill-used. Sure, the characters are constantly surrounded by the towering canyon walls, but the Grand Canyon’s vastness isn’t quite captured. I wish director Richard Harrah and cinematographer Nelson Cragg had tried to make the titular character a bit more menacing and scary. It would have been nice to see the Grand Canyon become a character onto itself, but it became secondary to the other natural horrors experienced by the married couple.

Also, the script by Steve Allrich was painfully generic. The only thing that really stood out was the wily character of Henry (which also yielded the only stand out performance, by Will Patton). The characters of Nick and Lori were boring and I couldn’t really root for them because I knew so little about them. Plus, they make some truly bone-headed decisions (hey, let’s climb this cliff that goes hundreds of feet straight up! Hey, let’s not backtrack our steps but try to find another way out!). And, again, the biggest underdeveloped character was the Grand Canyon itself. It was supposed to be this formidable opponent of the married couple, but it really felt like the film could have been set anywhere and it wouldn’t have made that much of a difference. It really is a pity, because the Grand Canyon definitely has the potential to be formidable, but this film just didn’t capitalize enough on its location.

I kept waiting and waiting for The Canyon to become thrilling, but the moment never came. There were some shocking scenes (including a pretty tense amputation scene), but they never amounted to much. The Canyon is just far too safe and generic for me…and wasted a perfectly frightening setting!

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Thankskilling (2009)

Horror fans don’t have a lot (if any) options when it comes to horror-themed Thanksgiving holiday movies. When Eli Roth’s faux Thanksgiving trailer was seen during the Grindhouse double-feature in 2007, interest in a feature-length Thanksgiving-themed movie only grew (speaking of which, Roth’s horrifying holiday vision is supposedly in the works).

Well, now horror fans have another option with Thankskilling, and independent production from In Broad Daylight Pictures being released November 17^th, 2009. Thankskilling comes off as a wacky Troma film, filled with bad acting, ridiculous situations, silly one-liners and hell, a talking turkey! You definitely need a sense of humor to get through Thankskilling, just like you need one to get through seeing your relatives during the holidays.

Thankskilling is about a group of friends that drive home for Thanksgiving, but inadvertently find themselves and their community terrorized by a talking, killer turkey. The turkey was resurrected 510 years after a Native American placed a curse on the pilgrims after the very first Thanksgiving.

Dear lord, I’m sure glad I was in a Vicodin haze while watching Thankskilling. This is a campy, over-the-top film that is completely silly and isn’t to be taken seriously. The best parts are when the turkey is on screen…he is completely hilarious! There is even a part where he skins and wears someone’s face a la Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre that’s pretty awesome! And take a look at some of the gut-busting lines he utters: “I’m gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce” after threatening one of the characters or “You just got stuffed!” after raping a character or the infamous “gobble, gobble motherfucker!”

The rest of the characters are all basically brain dead and are intended to poke fun at all the stereotypical horror situations. There’s the slob of a redneck, the nerdy bookworm, the jock, the slutty airhead and the Final Girl. The characters’ parents all play minor parts in the film as well, and I really enjoyed the silly Sheriff’s character!

Of course, some of the acting is pretty bad, but most of the actors are decent. I really enjoyed Chuck Lamb as Sheriff Roud and Aaron Ringhiser-Carlson as the redneck Billy. And whoever voiced the turkey was just brilliant!

Some situations are so unbearably stupid, though, that my disbelief was wayyy too suspended. For example, a dog peeing on the turkey’s grave resurrects him. Really? Writers Kevin Stewart and Jordan Downey couldn’t think of anything more creative than that to bring back the killer turkey? Or how unbelievably dumb the characters are in certain situations (hmmm if a turkey was wearing my dad’s face you’d think I’d notice!). I understand that this was the tone for the film and part of its appeal, but if you don’t enjoy horror-comedy hybrids that are this outrageous, you probably won’t enjoy Thankskilling.

For a low budget film, I really was impressed with the look of the killer turkey. Besides being hilarious, he also looked pretty awesome. I believe they used a puppet, and whenever he spoke it did indeed look realistic. The gory effects were pretty good too…I especially enjoyed when one of the characters ate the turkey and the turkey ate its way out through his stomach! The skinned face of one of the characters looked pretty realistic as well. And the turkey used an electric carver, a meat thermometer and other Thanksgiving utensils as killing tools! Unfortunately, there were some instances of CGI that were noticeable, but luckily these weren’t too numerous or distracting.

If you enjoy campy horror-comedies in the vein of over-the-top Troma releases, you just may count Thankskilling as one of your blessings this Thanksgiving. If those aren’t your thing, though, you way want to steer as clear of Thankskilling as you would dry turkey and nosy relatives!

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The Thaw (2009)

The threat of global warming is an issue few are ignorant on, but which many still seem to ignore. The melting ice caps, changes in climate and extinction of species definitely point to a troubling future, but it seems that few have done anything to cut back on their environmental impact on the Earth (don’t worry, I’m not going to start preaching at you).

Now, whether you believe in global warming or not, it still falls to logic that all our pollution from various industries must be affecting the environment in some way, or, at the very least, that natural resources are becoming more and more limited as more and more people inhabit our world. You can’t really argue that this doesn’t pose a strain on our environment, but still many of us (including me) have a tendency to turn a blind eye to the destruction of our planet.

Throughout history there have been instances where disease, natural disasters and other catastrophes happen that result in a large percentage of the human population being thinned. Do you ever wonder what the next chaotic event will be? Do you ever wonder if Mother Nature will finally do something to protect herself and lash out at the human population? Well, The Thaw poses that frightening question and answers it with a pretty scary conclusion.

A renowned eco-scientist, Dr. David Kruipen (Val Kilmer) is in remote northern Canada researching the effects of global warming. He and his team uncover the preserved remains of a woolly mammoth, but soon discover that the mammoth is also harboring a deadly 20,000 year-old parasite that quickly infects them.

Meanwhile, a group of three students and Kruipen’s daughter Evelyn (Martha MacIsaac, from The Last House on the Left remake) are on their way up to the research facility. When they arrive via helicopter, they discover the research facility deserted…except for a decaying corpse of a polar bear.

They soon discover that the nasty little parasites are inside the polar bear and lay eggs inside of their victims. Sure enough, they start getting bitten by the parasites, but that’s not all. After the bugs lay eggs inside their hosts, they eat their way from the inside out. The group must find a way to stop the bug’s spread, before they are unleashed upon the world.

The Thaw is a realistic horror film that seems especially relevant in these turbulent times. I like my horror films to be pertinent and socially conscious, and The Thaw fit the bill perfectly. Of course, even those that prefer blood and guts over social commentary will also be pleasantly surprised by the tension-filled The Thaw.

In addition to the relevant story, the pacing of the film is very fast. From the opening scenes of a nasty bug extraction to Dr. Kruipen’s videotaped confessions to a grisly scene of amputation and the nasty bug infestations, my eyes were glued to the screen for the entire running time. The action was tense, and except for a few poor decisions by the characters, everything felt very realistic. The characters were also refreshing and didn’t feature the usual dumb teens. Evelyn was a wonderful final girl who took charge almost immediately and seemed to have more common sense and scientific knowledge than the students. The students were a bit grating at times, but overall their characters’ reactions felt realistic…even if some of their decisions were poor.

As for the actors, most of them did a commendable job, especially Martha MacIsaac as Evelyn. She came off as a spoiled brat in the beginning, but really showed some intense leadership skills as the film progressed. I also have to point out Viv Leacock, who played Bart the helicopter pilot, for his even and brave portrayal…even during and after a nasty amputation. Val Kilmer must also be mentioned here, even if he was only in a third of the film. He played the Doctor very convincingly, with an eerie, unsettling calmness that really forewarned of the calamity that would follow in his wake.

The special effects were the real standouts of the film, though. From the parasites burrowing and squirming into flesh to the mushy egg sacs to the freshly-hatched young devouring their hosts and so on, I was left with the heebie jeebies! Nothing is completely over-the-top, but the gruesome scenes carry with them a sense of reality, like something is possible and could happen…if we aren’t careful. The film reminded me of a mix of Cabin Fever, The Ruins and The Last Winter.

The Thaw is a film that creeps under your skin and squirms there, tickling your mind with its social conscious stance as well as its gruesome set pieces. It reminds us that Mother Nature can only take so much before she reveals her most shocking secrets to us…secrets that could spell humanity’s demise.

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Long Weekend (1978)

Earlier this year I watched the disappointing Nature’s Grave, which I found out was actually a remake of the 1978 Australian film Long Weekend. As I dug a little deeper I discovered that many people held Long Weekend in high regard and it had been called one of the greatest nature-run-amuck films ever made. So after watching the unremarkable remake, which was supposedly shot-for-shot of the original, I felt it was only fair to go back to the source and watch Long Weekend.

Long Weekend isn’t your standard nature’s revenge flick – it is far more subtle, and is more of a psychological struggle between a bickering city couple and the unfamiliar outdoors they’ve chosen as a vacation spot. Some could argue that there is a supernatural element to the proceedings, but everything that happens also has a perfectly logical, natural explanation as well…it just seems supernatural because the city slickers aren’t familiar with nature and definitely don’t respect it.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me give a brief synopsis of Long Weekend:

Peter (John Hargreaves) and Marcia (Briony Behets) are a married couple who are obviously having some issues. To hopefully patch up their marriage they head out to a deserted beach for a long weekend. Peter brings his dog, Cricket, and his trusty rifle to shoot at random stuff as he drinks beer, leaving a trail of litter in his wake. Marcia does nothing but complain that they are far away from her friends and how she would much rather spend a nice weekend at a luxury hotel, all the while burning a hole in the ozone layer as she constantly hoses down the campsite with bug spray. The couple continues to have a flippant disregard for the environment – Marcia flicks cigarette butts everywhere, Peter throws beer bottles into the brush and kills innocent animals (he runs over a kangaroo, kills a mama duck with an errant bullet and shoots a sea cow repeatedly). Soon, the laws of nature come into play and Peter and Marcia face the harsh justice of the jungle.

Long Weekend is a gorgeous film, with wide panning shots of the crystal-clear surf and white sand beach. The pristine environment makes the destruction Peter and Marcia cause that much more ugly and harsh. It’s a very sharp contrast between the food wrappers, cigarette butts, bottles of beer and the once pure coastline. Yet, in the finale when Peter stumbles upon another abandoned campsite we see how humans may come and go but Mother Nature seems to bounce back from any blight humans mar her with. Director Colin Eggleston definitely crafted a socially conscious and stunning film that was way ahead of its time.

As for the story, writer Everett De Roche really involves the audience in his cautionary tale. As mentioned earlier, it has a bit of a supernatural feel to it, but you could also look at it from a very rational point of view as well. It’s all in how you perceive the film, and I like how De Roche left it ambiguous for the audience. I also like how the characters were so unlikable, yet you were still interested to see what would happen to them and even a bit concerned for their safety (even though they brought their misfortune on themselves). All their trouble basically stemmed from poor decisions they made and their unfamiliarity with the outdoors. I mean, who really steals an eagle egg, smashes it and doesn’t expect the bird to come after them or approaches a possum and doesn’t expect to get bitten? Though the two leads make poor decisions, there is a part of you wishing they get out alive and perhaps learn a lesson not to mess with nature. Kudos to De Roche for making us care about such unlikable characters.

Both Briony Behets and John Hargreaves must also be commended for their strong performances in Long Weekend. They are basically the only two characters in the film, plus they are rotten individuals (she is always nagging while he is just an asshole, plus they have their own nasty secrets that come out as the film progresses), and yet we cannot take our eyes away from them. I think the biggest problem with the remake, Nature’s Grave, was the acting. In the remake the two leads didn’t have the fiery chemistry that Behets and Hargreaves possess, nor did they play it as realistically. Hargreaves and Behets really sell the characters and really involve us in the story, making us want to see and learn more about their vile characters.

There is also a lot to discover within the story itself, as the secrets of the secluded beach reveal themselves. The film is slow-paced, but that doesn’t make it bad by any means! Instead, it spends time building the tension and is punctuated by several shocking scenes (Peter’s crossbow accidentally going off and almost hitting Marcia, an aerial attack by an eagle, a menacing shape in the water while Peter is out swimming, Peter’s exploration of an overgrown campsite, and so on). The atmosphere of slowly-building dread is nicely accompanied by a beautiful score that helps accentuate the eeriness and tension of the film.

If you happen to come across Nature’s Grave, I recommend skipping it and renting the far superior original, Long Weekend. Though this is not your typical “animals-run-amuck” revenge film, it is still a breathtaking and tension-filled film that deserves to be seen by those that like their slowly-creeping horror!

Order it on Amazon!

Book Review: Under by Bradd Quinn

Growing up in the country, I’m no stranger to the nighttime sounds of wildlife crunching and skittering through the undergrowth. There is something deeply unsettling about something moving around in the dark that you can’t see…but you feel like it is watching you. Though I now live in the city, there are still those strange nocturnal noises, whether they come from the bushes or the dumpsters, that make my heart skip a beat. Who knows what could be lurking in the inky black shadows, watching you? I certainly don’t want to stick around to find out! Author Bradd Quinn’s debut novel, Under, explores the these very fears of what lurks in the darkness just out of your eyesight…something that very well may be watching YOU!

When the rural town of Gaston is the location of a gruesome massacre, the authorities are quick to blame the viciousness of the attacks on a pack of wild dogs or coyotes. The numerous victims were attacked in their homes and appeared to have been partially devoured, causing skeptics to point out that wild animals generally don’t enter homes to attack, especially multiple homes. Their concerns are ignored by the authorities, who insist the massacre was the work of wild animals.

Weeks later, in the nearby town of Jennisville, Jacob Drake has begun finding an abnormally large amount of dead birds, rodents and other small animals in his yard. He then discovers a large hole that leads underneath his deck, which the family’s black lab Samantha can’t leave well enough alone. Pretty soon, pets in the neighborhood are missing and neighbors find one of their dogs ripped apart, like it had been eaten.

Jacob begins to see similarities between the events leading up to the tragedy in Gaston and the warning signs popping up in his neighborhood. He begins to think that whatever killed the animals and pets is living under his deck and is too close to his family for comfort. In an effort to protect his wife Christine and five-year-old daughter Genna, Jacob decides to peer into the darkness and finds something so terrifying, so unknown, that no one else will believe that it’s real. It’s up to Jacob and his friend and next-door neighbor Rod to try and convince the town that something evil is lurking…before it’s too late for everyone.

Under is a fast-paced novel that had me so engrossed I couldn’t put it down! I usually do my reading at night, but with Under I kept stealing away to read a few more chapters whenever I could! Author Bradd Quinn really did an excellent job at getting me invested in all the characters. I really enjoyed the character of Jacob Drake, especially the smartass humor he used throughout the book. It really made Jacob likable and made me give a damn about him and his family.

I am just astounded that this is Quinn’s debut novel. The fast pace, great characterizations, perfectly-timed “reveal” moments and a suspenseful finale all make Quinn appear like a seasoned writer. While there are typos throughout the novel, you have to remember it is self-published and Quinn even included a cute disclaimer telling the reader to “Think of them as easter eggs”, so they are forgivable. Plus, it’s easy to skim over typos when you are so engrossed in the story!

The creatures (yes, there are more than one) that Quinn has dreamed up are nightmarish creations that screech and howl in an unearthly manner and whose appearance is shocking. I’ve never seen or read about these creatures in any horror film or book, so kudos again to Quinn for picking something refreshing rather than the standard vampire/werewolf/zombie-like creatures we are so used to seeing in the horror genre. From the way they move to the way they communicate to just how they look unsettled me and yet left me craving more. Quinn gives us just enough towards the beginning of the novel to keep us reading and keeps giving us more and more tidbits on the nature of the crafty creatures until the slam-bam finale. And what a finale it is! I thought the first half of the book was tense, but the last half really puts you through the wringer! You’ll find it nearly impossible to put Under down once you’re reading the nail-bitingly suspenseful conclusion!

For those that have wondered just what is hiding under the dark, dank spaces beneath their homes or what the strange nocturnal scratching noises coming from their basements are, Under, the debut novel from Bradd Quinn, is definitely for you!

Buy it on Amazon!

Nature's Grave (2009)

Australia has always captivated me. “The land down under” just seems so wild, untamed and dangerous, featuring some of the world’s most venomous/poisonous animals, insects, reptiles and plants known to man. I’ve always wanted to visit there, but the thought of adding to the destruction of its unique ecosystem just turns my stomach. I don’t want to be just another one of those disrespectful tourists that go tramping through nature, spoiling the region’s natural beauty and tranquility! Not to mention that I might come face to face with some of its more deadly inhabitants!

So, when I received the film Nature’s Grave (releasing August 4th, 2009 from Screen Media Films), which just so happens to be set in breathtaking Australia and shows how Mother Nature can strike back against careless humans, I was eager to check it out! The film opens right away on some jaw-droppingly beautiful shots of Australia’s north coast before cutting to bickering couple Peter (James Caviezel) and Carla (Claudia Karvan), who are taking a long weekend and leaving on a camping trip to try to patch up their disintegrating marriage. Of course, some stormy weather keeps them on the road longer than they expected, so they don’t arrive to the isolated, hidden beach they are planning to camp on until very late at night. Right away Carla gets a strange feeling about the place, but stubborn Peter seems more interested in getting drunk, going surfing and spending time with his dog, Cricket, than working through any of their problems (one of which is that he is a selfish prick).

The couple is supposed to meet some friends there, but they never show. As Peter kills and terrorizes the local wildlife, throws beer bottles into the ocean, hacks away at trees and Carla sprays bug spray over everything and tries to spend most of the time as far away from nature as possible, the surrounding wilderness takes on an ominous feeling. It seems that Mother Nature isn’t taking too kindly to their intrusion. They hear strange crying noises at night, Peter is attacked by an eagle, animals break into their food and something very large lurks in the water just off shore. Carla insists they leave, but Peter can’t be bothered by her warnings and just wants to stick it out.

When they realize just how much danger they are in, it’s already too late and it’s time for Mother Nature to get even…

I wasn’t aware of this before watching Nature’s Grave, but it is actually a remake of a 1978 Australian film titled Long Weekend. From what I hear it has a bit of a cult following and is definitely worth a look. As for Nature’s Grave…eh, not so much, I’m afraid. It is supposedly a shot-for-shot remake of Long Weekend, but I’m guessing it is missing A LOT of the previous film’s subtleties and nuances.

Nature’s Grave is directed by Jamie Blank, who directed the awful Storm Warning and the mediocre Valentine and Urban Legend. Often times the film feels flat, and feels like it’s missing any kind of emotional connection with the audience. There are some beautiful shots of the Australian wilderness and wildlife, but at times it just didn’t feel like there was enough. I also thought the film’s creepy moments lacked punch and could have used with a few more scares.

The story, written by Everett De Roche (he also wrote the original Long Weekend), moves at a slow-but-sure pace, and I actually enjoyed the slowly-building dread. However, the characters are highly unlikable, with an over-the-top performance by Caviezel that feels like he’s never taking his character seriously to Karvan’s strangely reserved character that doesn’t even fight back when her husband tells her to “go fuck yourself”. Neither character is interesting and you don’t want to root for either, which kills any kind of tension that De Roche tried to build in his story. Without anyone to root for to survive, I found myself waiting for Mother Nature to extract her revenge on these two characters.

Though there are a few creepy scenes – one where something is lurking in the ocean’s crystal blue waters, another where a dead animal is seemingly moving of its own accord and, towards the end, another where Peter finds some other “campers”, most of the “revenge” that happens occurs because of the two characters’ doing. In the end, it’s really their own stupidity that catches up with them as opposed to Mother Nature. This really is a pity, because I was really hoping to see the characters ripped apart by animals or plants after how disrespectfully they treated nature.

Nature’s Grave isn’t that memorable of an affair. Though it has a few spooky scenes, the performances of the two actors and the way their characters are written are just grating and make the film hard to sit through. And when their final curtain finally comes, it just doesn’t feel vicious enough for what you’ve had to put up with the last hour and a half. My advice? Seek the original Long Weekend out…it has to be infinitely better than its remake, Nature’s Grave.

Buy it on Amazon!

Poultrygeist (2008)

Make sure you’ve got your seat belts fastened tightly, because Poultrygeist is one wild ride. Filled with puke, poop, killer poultry, putrescent gore and plenty of bad nudity, Poultrygeist shows Troma at its trashy (and socially-conscious) best!

Arbie (Jason Yachanin) and Wendy (Kate Graham) vowed they’d always be together…but a year after consummating their love in the Tromahawk Indian Burial Ground Wendy has come back to town a changed woman. She is in town protesting the bulldozing of the burial ground and the erection of fast food joint American Chicken Bunker in its place with her militant girlfriend Mickie (Allyson Sereboff). Yep, Wendy has turned into a lipstick lesbian much to the chagrin of lovesick Arbie. He vows to get her back and promptly takes a job at American Chicken Bunker. He joins the colorful group of employees, including high-strung manager Denny (Joshua Olatunde), backwoods dead chicken f*cker Carl Jr. (Caleb Emerson), gay Mexican Paco Bell (Khalid Rivera), and burka-clad Humus (Rose Ghavami) who has her own prayer mat in the kitchen to pray to Mecca every day.

Besides the angry protesters outside, Arbie and his co-workers must also deal with the angry spirits of displaced Native Americans as well as the souls of all the chickens American Chicken Bunker has slaughtered. Soon, people start ending up dead and/or start turning into horrific (and hungry) chicken-like zombies.

Can Arbie and his friends save the world? More importantly, can Arbie win Wendy back in the process?

Troma’s take-no-prisoners humor is readily apparent in this gloriously low-brow film and everyone from liberals to minorities to huge corporations get skewered. I especially liked how no group was left unscathed…as soon as fun was poked at big corporations, they’d switch it around and start making fun of the protestors standing against big business. Of course, this being a Troma film it’s also heavy on toilet humor…dick and fart jokes abound and this definitely isn’t a film for those easily offended!!

You expect the toilet humor (like a guy having massive diarrhea…from the point of view of the toilet bowl, someone adding his own “special sauce” to the fast food, chicken carcasses getting raped, etc.) from a Troma film, but what surprised me was the high quality of the special FX! The budget for Poultrygeist was pretty low, but they still managed to pull off some amazing effects. Highlights included a zombie hand going through someone’s ass and out their mouth, a meat grinder accident with a spectacular spray of blood, someone’s face getting cut into perfect deli slices in a meat slicer, dozens of people throwing up green puke and tons of other gross-out moments. The effects in the film were impressive and by far some of the best shown in any Troma film in the indie studio’s 35 year career!

Also a personal best for a Troma film was the acting in Poultrygeist. The actors gave it their all here, with very enthusiastic performances. Even though the characters were way over the top, you couldn’t help cheer for them anyway. In the wrong actors’ hands, the quirky characters could have quickly fallen flat…Luckily, we get a near-perfect cast that delivers and hams it up just enough without going too overboard in this over-the-top film! They even manage some fun musical numbers!

Yep, I said musical numbers! These will even be enjoyable to those that normally don’t like musicals (trust me, I watched this film with my musical-hating boyfriend and even he loved it). The lyrics, including songs about sex, bodily fluids, love, and more sex (usually of the anal variety), are just so damn offensive that they are plain hilarious. Plus, the audio is great and the actors can really sing! The songs even manage to propel the narrative along and aren’t just there for schlock value (though they do help!). We even get to see Uncle Lloyd (wearing a skirt, no less) join in on one of the musical numbers as he sings and dances!

Poultrygeist also tackles some socially conscious issues and though they are covered in poop and puke (and chicken feathers), the message still shines clear. The take jabs at big business, fickle and hypocritical protestors, consumerism, American’s fast-food addictions and so on. And through it all you’ll be laughing your ass off…unless you’re blowing chunks, that is!

Poultrygeist is the most fun you’ll have with chicken-zombies, Native American spirits (the ghostly kind, not the alcoholic kind), lesbians, skirt-wearing men and fast food this year! This is a fowl, gross-out movie that super-sizes the fun and comes with an extra side of AWESOME!

Available from Amazon!

Rogue (2008)

Despite my utter hatred for Greg Mclean’s first feature film, Wolf Creek, I was highly anticipating his next film, Rogue. I may have had disdain for the terrible Wolf Creek, but I can’t deny that Mclean certainly has an eye for stunning shots. When Rogue was denied a theatrical release by its studio, Dimension (thereby leaving legions of horror fans scratching their heads), I assumed it just wasn’t worthy enough for theaters. Then, Lionsgate dumped Midnight Meat Train into a few second rate theaters (with rumors that this will also happen with Repo! The Genetic Opera). So apparently it’s now become a fad for major studios to discard their actually good horror films and not give them a theatrical run! Way to go Dimension for starting the trend! Anyways, after watching Rogue I can honestly say that this film did indeed deserve a theatrical run and it’s a pity that fans weren’t able to experience it on the big screen.

In the stunningly rugged Northern Territory of Australia, a group of tourists board a river boat to see the spectacular sights and hopefully catch a glimpse of some killer crocodiles that the Territory is known for. The group consists of a wide range of people, including a family consisting of father, daughter and dying-of-cancer mother, a man who wants to scatter a loved one’s ashes, a photographer, a middle-aged couple and even an American travel writer (Michael Vartan). Leading the river tour is experienced and spunky guide Kate (Radha Mitchell). After lazily drifting down the river and spotting more than a few crocs in action, the tour is nearly over…but after seeing some distress flares Kate decides to follow them. When they finally arrive to where the flare signal came from, there is no one around except for a half-sunken, overturned boat. Uh-oh…

Suddenly, the tour boat is rammed hard from something in the water and pretty soon everyone finds themselves stuck on a small island in the middle of the river. The group quickly figures out that they’ve trespassed on a giant crocodile’s territory and it’ll stop at nothing until all of its prey is dead. With the tide quickly coming in and night approaching fast, the group must figure out how to survive and out-wit the killer crocodile to make it off the rapidly-disappearing island.

Finally horror fans get a chance to catch this killer croc movie, although on DVD instead of in theaters. All I can say is that it is extremely disappointing that this fantastically thrilling film was not given a theatrical release. It is so tense and suspenseful on the small screen that I imagine on the big screen it must be downright terrifying!

The high caliber of Rogue is just remarkable, from the spectacular cinematography to the fantastic acting to the imposing and frightening crocodile. The first 30 minutes of the film play like a loving homage to the Northern Territory and should be used for their tourism board! The vast vistas of the Outback will leave you speechless and yearning to visit Down Under. There are also many great wildlife shots of crocodiles, birds, insects and other animals. The emerald river the river boat drifts down sparkles in the sunlight and contrasts against the high, red cliffs that border it.

And, then, after you’ve been dazzled by all that beauty…POW! Nature strikes! Things take a very hair-raising turn with the brazen killer crocodile stalking the marooned tourists. Not only that, but their safe haven (not much more than a mound of dirt) is quickly disappearing under the rising tide. The great acting by all involved really makes us care for each and every character (very well-developed by writer/director Greg Mclean). Each and every action they take is believable and expected in such a high-stress, life-or-death situation.

As for the crocodile, it looks unbelievably realistic! Director Mclean wisely only gives us quick glimpses of the croc in the beginning, but by the end we’ve seen its entire massive body (as well as more than a few frightening close-ups of its toothy maw) and it still looks amazing! I loved how when we first see the croc it is just a shadow underneath the water and we’re not sure what we’ve just seen until it suddenly strikes. There are also several moments that’ll make you jump out of your skin they are so unexpected, like the first tourist it decides to snack on!

Though this film ratchets up the tension and suspense in a thrilling manner, it doesn’t really have that much gore. We seen a few people get chomped on, but it mostly happens so quickly with the croc and its prey disappearing under water, so we don’t get a whole gory show. We get to see some nasty bite marks, but the film is a little lacking in the gore department. Despite this, it still manages to work extremely well even without copious amounts of blood.

The direction by Greg Mclean is utter perfection. Rogue opens showcasing Australia’s wide open spaces, but once the croc attacks ensue, the scope becomes entirely claustrophobic. This only adds to the fear factor of the film and Mclean pulls it off effortlessly.

One thing I felt could have been done better was the ending. Despite the realism that the first part of the film had, the ending felt kind of fake and hokey. A certain character’s actions just didn’t ring true with me and the finale was a bit unbelievable. Still, if you can overlook that Rogue is a damn fine film and along with killer croc movie Black Water, it is one of the best killer croc features ever made.

Available from Amazon!

Black Water (2008)

I’ve never really been a big fan of the “when animals attack” sub-genre. The characters in these films are usually stupid (and deserve to die) and they usually end up getting killed by an animal much smarter than them. I always hated how this far superior animal was simply killed in the end, even though the characters were so much less intelligent than it. It’s hard to enjoy or even be scared by a horror film if you hate the characters and can’t relate to their actions and are rooting for the “villain.” Yet, every once in a while a horror film in this sub-genre comes around that I particularly like…

How does the Australian film Black Water rate? You’ll have to keep reading to find out…

On holiday, sisters Grace (Diana Glenn) and Lee (Maeve Dermody) and Grace’s boyfriend Adam (Andy Rodoreda) take a road trip into the Australian countryside. They visit a crocodile farm before deciding to take a fishing tour on the flood-swollen river. Their guide (Ben Oxenbould) takes them out in a small metal motorboat, taking them all the way to an isolated mangrove lagoon. Before you can say “Gone Fishin’,” a big croc capsizes their little boat. Adam and Grace scramble for a nearby tree, but Lee gets stuck on the top of the overturned boat. The massive crocodile pokes its behemoth head out of the water to say hello, then dives back under to try and knock Lee off. Soon, the three friends realize that the croc has dragged off their guide and that they are miles away from anything and anyone. Can the three friends escape the croc’s clutches and make it out in one piece as opposed to in pieces?

For a killer croc movie, Black Water is a surprisingly tense and taut picture! It’s got high production values, great direction, likable characters and a scary crocodile! It’s based on a true story (read about it http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,,2241705,00.html) and actually stays pretty close to it. It’s also interesting to note that the filmmakers used real crocodiles for the majority of the film instead of CGI or other special FX. This lent a level of realism that was downright frightening! When I was watching the film, I marveled at the realistic-looking crocodiles, but it was only after the film did I find out that they were actually REAL!!

Speaking of the crocodile in the film, it takes on a persona all its own in the film. It is extremely menacing and seems to be psychologically playing with its prey and relishing their fear. In one scene it emerges from the water to show the survivors a chewed up corpse and the croc does it tauntingly, rubbing it in. In another scene, the croc pops out of the water to block the way of the survivors, kinda like he’s saying, “I don’t think so!” As for the rest of the characters, we really don’t get to know them all that much, besides the fact that one is pregnant. Despite the shallow characterizations, we still end up caring deeply for the trio. They are likable and their situation unimaginable, so it is quite easy to feel sympathy for them (yes, even when they do make stupid mistakes).

I thought all the actors did a good job with acting frightened, especially because for the first half of the film you don’t see the crocodile that often. Their confusion, panic and desperation feel very real, though I will say that some of the initial whining and crying gets old fast. Still, the actors did convey fear, anger, determination and more while still maintaining their believability.

Of course, some of the characters’ actions were a bit unbelievable. Why didn’t the group ever try and distract the crocodile by using one person as bait to lead it away from the boat while someone else went for it when the croc was preoccupied? And why did they always use the thinnest, most spindly branches to try and grab the boat’s rope? These and many other questions plagued the film, but the character’s sometimes silly actions didn’t ruin the entire film.

Overall, the film was nail-bitingly intense. Three people stuck up in a tree sure doesn’t sound like a very engaging movie, but the writing-directing team of David Nerlich and Andrew Traucki managed to create an ominous atmosphere full of tension. The two directors utilized several spectacular shots that put the viewer directly into the action. One scene in particular involved showing the point of view from a victim during the crocodile’s “death roll” – a roll that involves them biting their prey and dragging them underwater while the croc spins around several times, trying to drown its prey. I really thought this was an inventive and exciting shot that captured the ferocity of the predator. It felt like National Geographic on steroids! There are also lots of scenes of the murky swamp water that’ll have your toes curling imaging what lies in those depths.

I will warn you, though, Black Water is seriously lacking in the blood and guts department. All we get is a severed arm, a chomped-on body, a not-very-bloody croc bite, various scratches, etc., etc. There are no big bubbling pools of blood a la Jaws here, kiddies. In the context of the movie, though, the lack of gore works just fine. The tension and suspense are what really keep the film moving along.

Black Water is a pleasant surprise amidst the standard stupid “when animals attack” films. It delivers tension and suspense without having to resort to gore for entertainment and will put you on the edge of your seat!

Available from Amazon!

Isolation (2005)

Not many people know this, but this gothic beauty was raised as a rootin’, tootin’ cowgirl on an isolated ranch up on the Northern California coast. I’ve herded, branded, vaccinated and assisted in the birthing of numerous calves and lambs. And yes, I unfortunately wore Wranglers and, at times, a cowboy hat. Don’t hate!

Even with my previous exposure to ranching and farm animals, I was still awestruck and grossed-out by some scenes in Isolation, a taut horror movie from Ireland. There were some scenes dealing with birthing cows, vet checks and cow fetuses that made me recoil in horror…

A hard-on-his-luck farmer has allowed a genetic scientist to experiment with fertility treatments on his cows in exchange for cold hard cash. The scientist hopes to genetically enhance the cows, making them more fertile at a younger age, therefore making farmers more profit. Unfortunately, things go incredibly awry and horribly disfigured calf fetuses, which are also developing at an accelerated cellular level, begin looking for new hosts. Can the farmer, along with his vet, the evil scientist and two wayward twentysomethings on the run, stop the genetic mutants before they spread their genetic abnormalities to a larger population?

Isolation is a film that slipped under my radar back when it was released in 2005. This is surprising since it is an amazingly tense and well-done movie that blew me away. Though the premise, which is pretty much killer cow fetuses on the loose, sounds weak and silly, the film comes off as anything but slapdash. The film has a very serious tone throughout and writer/director Billy O’Brien ensures it doesn’t veer into funny farm territory.

From the beginning of the film we are thrust into the action, as one of the farmer’s cow is about to give birth…but when the vet sticks her hand up into the cow to check on the calf, it bites her. When it’s finally born, there’s something just not right about the dewy-eyed calf. From there, things get awfully messy fast – some of the gore is hard to watch, especially if you are an animal lover. A special gun is featured, one that doesn’t contain bullets but instead shoots out a steel rod at a very high speed, usually into the brain.

Numerous cows and humans are dispatched with this weapon, leaving violent sprays of blood in their wake. Besides that piece of nasty, there are numerous guts spilled, whether through the vet’s autopsies of the cows or through the lil’ monsters’ search for news hosts. The mutant monsters are also quite a sight, all crunchy exoskeleton and sharp teeth.

Besides the impressive and cringe-worthy gore, Isolation boasts a very tense atmosphere, which it manages to maintain throughout its entire running time. The location of the isolated farm ensures that help isn’t coming anytime fast and ratchets up the tension until it’s almost unbearable. It also helps that the action feels very real, like it is something that could very well happen.

Though we are thrust immediately into the action, the film still takes time to develop its characters enough that we know who they are and what their relationships are to each other. Writer/director Billy O’Brien does a fantastic job at showing us who the characters are instead of just blatantly telling us. As for the actors, all involved did a stunning job. Performances by Essie Davies, John Lynch, Ruth Negga, and Sean Harris are the ones that really sell the film, not the special FX (though they are superb!).

My only complaint about the film was that I wish the full-grown mutant monster was shown a little more. We get glimpses here and there until the finale, but I just wished we could have seen MORE of it.

Isolation hasn’t been called “Alien with cows” for nothing! From its gutwrenching gore to suspenseful storyline to great performances across the board, Isolation is not to be missed.

Buy it on Amazon!

Black Sheep (2007)

In the New Zealand horror comedy Black Sheep, Henry Oldfield (Nathan Meister) returns to his childhood farm 15 years after his father’s death and another traumatic incident that left him with a severe phobia of sheep. His older brother Angus (Peter Feeney) now runs the sheep farm, and has been doing illegal experiments and genetically engineering sheep. Meanwhile, two hippie animal liberation nuts, Grant (Oliver Driver) and Experience (Danielle Mason), are intent on breaking into the laboratory where Angus and his scientific team conduct their experiments. Grant steals a large container that holds what appears to be a fetus of a sheep in a toxic waste sludge, but clumsily drops it while running away from the scientists. Suffice to say, Grant gets bitten by the evil little fetus-lamb, and it goes on to spread its vile disease to other usually placid sheep, turning them all into bloodthirsty killing machines. Henry, Experience and farm hand Tucker (Tammy Davis) all team up against the gore-hungry sheep, but they have far bigger problems. It seems that anyone who gets bitten by an infected sheep transforms into a giant sheep-human mutant. Also, Angus is not giving up his experiments or his precious sheep without a fight. Can Henry and the gang save the rest of New Zealand from the spread of the baaaaaaaad sheep?

I caught this fun summer flick at a fairly small and packed theater, and let me tell you, the audience’s reactions were one of the best parts! I got there early, so I got to see people’s reactions as they trickled out of the first showing…smiles, giggles, high fives…this was looking good! And as I left the theater that evening, I was doing the exact same thing…smiling, giggling and high fiving!

Now, this flick definitely isn’t perfect and does have its flaws, but for an entertaining popcorn movie in the heat of summer it works just fine.

The films first 30 minutes are its strongest, introducing some uproarious comedic elements, one decidedly creepy and gruesome scene and a gaggle of goofy characters. I especially enjoyed the evil head scientist (played by Tandi Wright) and all her delightful wickedness. Perhaps it’s just me, but I though Peter Feeney, who played Angus, had a very Bruce Campbell feel to him. Either way, he played a dastardly villain and was a lot of fun! Nathan Meister as Henry and Danielle Mason as Experience also did spectacular jobs with their characters, as both their characters changed the most.

Director and writer Jonathan King shows us some truly beautiful vistas of New Zealand, and even manages to pull off the shaky cam technique quite well. His direction is sure and steady, and while he doesn’t show us any fancy footwork, he really doesn’t need to. With a premise like “killer sheep run rampant” one doesn’t really need artsy camera work, now do they? With the script, King nails some comedic scenarios early on, but the jokes run out pretty quickly after the first half. The second half of his story follows the trail of dismembered corpses strewn about by the infected sheep. After the jokes run out, King unwisely falls back on gore, leaving a sagging storyline in its wake.

Speaking of the gore, it is unmistakably present, with throats ripped out, legs and arms chewed off, large bites taken out of people, skinned sheep, heads being blown off, nasty human-to-sheep mutations/transformations and a pit full of decomposing and bloody animal remains that our intrepid heroes fall ::splat!:: right into. Gorehounds will be happy, though the film never goes as far as Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive (aka Braindead) or Bad Taste, both of which Black Sheep has been compared to. All you skeevy sleazemongers will be sad to see no nudity on display, though there are two displays of “inter-species erotica” that might tantalize a few out there (it’s a movie about sheep…you didn’t expect that?).

The gore and special FX in the film look amazing. Luckily, no obvious CGI was used and everything looks all the better for it. One transformation from man to sheep was pretty cool (though some of it took place in the shadows) and it reminded me of the transformation scene in The Howling (still one of the best, in my opinion). Even the hulking sheep-man hybrid wasn’t done with CGI and it looked damn cool.

Black Sheep is a fun, breezy and creative film that is a breath of fresh air in a stale summer bloated with sequels, harebrained movies stuffed with empty calorie stars and PG-13 crap. Sure, it’s not perfect, but sitting in a darkened theater and sharing a horror comedy with an eager audience that loves the silliness transpiring on screen as much as you do is as close to perfection as I want to get.

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The Black Cat (1981)

I was excited to learn that Lucio Fulci had directed The Black Cat, based on the Edgar Allen Poe story of the same name. I figured it would be another Fulci film that just might stand proudly among the greats Don’t Torture A Duckling, Zombi and The Beyond. Unfortunately, I was sadly disappointed by the boring Black Cat.

The Black Cat tells the tale of Professor Miles (Patrick Magee), a man obsessed with communicating and talking with the dead. He sneaks into the cemetery at night like a common graverobber, seeking to record the voices of the deceased. He also has a black cat, whom he has some kind of psychic link to. Meanwhile, Jill (Mimsy Farmer) is a visiting photographer in the small town who is intrigued by Professor Miles’ experiments. When deaths that appear to be accidents start occurring, Jill believes Professor Miles’ black cat is to blame.

I would tell you more, but I was too busy fast forwarding through the oodles of extreme close-ups fixed upon people’s startled eyeballs.

I think the most disappointing thing about The Black Cat was that it was only loosely based on Poe’s tale and hardly resembles it at all (except for the end). Instead, we get a killer cat that stalks people and appears and reappears at will. Sure, it causes an impalement, a couple to die from gas poisoning, a woman to burn alive and lots of scratches, but the film plods along and is unusually subdued for Fulci. It even seems devoid of his usual panache and relies way too heavily on the close-ups of eyes to signal tension between characters.

This subdued approach let me down big time…it seemed to lack the shocking images of The Beyond and Zombi as well as lacking a tense storyline like Don’t Torture a Duckling (probably my favorite Fulci film). The story meandered, went nowhere and doubled back, losing me along its uneventful journey.

The acting and the characterization were also off as well. The acting is nothing special with the exception of some performances that were so outlandish it felt like they were falling into parody. Example: when a woman’s house went up in flames, she ran directly to a room engulfed in fire and tried to beat at it with a pillow. Her stupidity is rewarded as she goes up bigger and brighter than a Roman candle. This unbelievable action is only one of several instances where the characters’ kooky actions just don’t make sense. Many a time I was left rolling my eyes and reaching for the fast forward button.

I think had I been in a lazier mood, The Black Cat could have been a little better, but as it stands I still think it is a film that falls very short of the standard Fulci set with some of his other films. The Black Cat may be worth checking out if you are a Fulci completest, but anyone else is recommended to check out other, better Fulci films.

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Eaten Alive (1977)

Tobe Hooper made Eaten Alive soon after The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, but it certainly doesn't possess any of the horror that TCM does.

It is about hotel owner Judd, who likes to kill people that aren't as morally up to par as he is. His first kill is a prostitute, who seeks refuge from her line of work in his hotel. As soon as he finds out what she does, he feeds her to his pet crocodile. Others who get too close to his secret (or his crocodile) soon follow suit, including a traveling family, a few young locals, the family who comes looking for the prostitute and others.

Robert Englund plays a horny local boy and Marilyn Burns returns as my favorite scream queen. Englund and Burns are about the only good things in this movie...the rest is just stupid and boring. The pacing is horrible, the character of Judd isn't menacing and it just drags on and on...

Skip it unless you want to see a very young Robert Englund.

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The Roost (2005)

This movie was absolutely awful...dull, formulaic and derivative. Some people are gushing over it, which leads me to ask, did we even see the same movie?

It begins with four friends driving to a wedding on Halloween night. They have taken a shortcut through the countryside, but soon have some car trouble. The trouble comes in the form of a bat that swoops down, startling the driver, who then swerves off the road into a ditch. With the car out of commission, the friends walk down the road to the only house for miles around. Of course, no one is home. Two of the guys (Trevor and Elliot) decide to walk further down the road, while the remaining guy and gal (Allison and Brian) stay at the house out of pure laziness. On the road, the guys find a cop who drives them back to the house. Meanwhile, Allison and Brian are still at the house when Brian decides to explore a huge barn out back. When Trevor and Elliot arrive back at the house with the cop, Brian is missing. The kids go into the barn, but soon realize there is something roosting in there...killer vampire bats!! They soon discover that if bit by a bat, you will come back as a zombie. Can the kids escape the bats?

The filmmaker (Ti West) was trying to acheive a bare-bones look and feel in this film and succeeds, but in all the wrong places. The dialogue is weak, the story is threadbare and boring and the shots are monotonous. There are no surprises or shocks, which I believe is a necessity for a horror film. No real action happens until about an hour into the movie (the running time is only 1 hour and 20 minutes), and even then it is minimal and boring. If West was trying to slowly build suspense, he failed miserably. There is no suspense whatsoever in the movie. Also, I hated the characters from the beginning and had no emotional connection to them. They were annoying and the dialogue did nothing to build characterization. The actors themselves were incredibly awkward and didn't sell their characters. Netflix called this film "gory," but there is very little blood in the movie. It shows vampire bats attacking a few victims and a few zombie attacks, but no real gore. I was actually shocked at how little the movie showed.

The movie has a Crypt Keeper-type intro, which is bizarre. West was trying to make a film that was a throw back to those cheesy late night horror flicks, so he added this silly intro. I don't think he understood that this intro adds nothing to the film. Also, if this was an homage of sorts to those cheesy, overly dramatic productions, why isn't there more humor in the film?

As mentioned earlier, the camera angles and various shots are pretty repetitive. The length of time spent on the exterior shots is far too long. The camera creates no interest for the viewer. Also, the film is very grainy because the filmmaker wanted that independent, no-frills look. While this technique is ok, it still does nothing to enhance the movie. The only thing the cinematography of the movie enhances is the dullness factor.

If anything, this movie should have been a short. Had it been edited better, nixing all the extraneous scenes, it could have been cut down to 40 minutes or so. This was a weak, weak movie and no self-respecting horror fan could like this. The movie falls flat on its face and adds nothing to the horror genre. Possibly the most boring horror movie I've seen...

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